Life just feels so 'dull' without them

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi guys

Not posted for a while but still avidly reading and can see new and old posters having a hard time detaching from their ex's or friends.  Sorry to see we are all still trying to make sense of things.

Last year I was put on a 9 month ST by my friend who decided in December he would get back in touch, literally the day after my H had a stroke.  He was supportive and friendly to start with but he soon ramped up wanting to meet up and I caved in I guess due to my vulnerable state and had missed him so much that we had sex 6 weeks later for the first time in 29 years (yes I know, and I hate myself for it).  Within a week of that happening I could tell the devaluing was starting again and I called him out on his behaviour.  This of course led to us falling out yet again (lost count now) and have been in ST for 6 months again.  I did reach out on his 50th birthday to wish him well, which is responded to with thank you and that was that.  I decided to block his email (as he has changed his phone number for the 3rd time) as that is normally how he reaches out when he feels like it.  So I have no idea if he has tried and have had several withheld numbers on my mobile phone as well as odd voip ones (looks like a mobile but has one extra digit that can't be dialled back).  But those have gone quiet now.

I know he is no good for me; I feel happy but anxious when he is in my life and when he is gone peaceful but sad.  After 3 years of this yo- yoing I know the friendship will never work, not for any great length of time anyway before ST is implemented again.  But life just feel so dull without him in it.  I have my husband and daughter, we have a nice life and do things we enjoy.  We recently moved to a bigger house and although its costing us more money its given us more room so we aren't top of one another and peace of mind from neighbours we hated.  Work is going well, I continue to go to the gym and enjoy the activities there... .but life is DULL.

I am committed to maintaining no contact but I can't but help crave that hit of excitement. I'm sure it will pass the longer no contact continues.

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

Not posted for a while but still avidly reading and can see new and old posters having a hard time detaching from their ex's or friends.  Sorry to see we are all still trying to make sense of things.

Last year I was put on a 9 month ST by my friend who decided in December he would get back in touch, literally the day after my H had a stroke.  He was supportive and friendly to start with but he soon ramped up wanting to meet up and I caved in I guess due to my vulnerable state and had missed him so much that we had sex 6 weeks later for the first time in 29 years (yes I know, and I hate myself for it).  Within a week of that happening I could tell the devaluing was starting again and I called him out on his behaviour.  This of course led to us falling out yet again (lost count now) and have been in ST for 6 months again.  I did reach out on his 50th birthday to wish him well, which is responded to with thank you and that was that.  I decided to block his email (as he has changed his phone number for the 3rd time) as that is normally how he reaches out when he feels like it.  So I have no idea if he has tried and have had several withheld numbers on my mobile phone as well as odd voip ones (looks like a mobile but has one extra digit that can't be dialled back).  But those have gone quiet now.

I know he is no good for me; I feel happy but anxious when he is in my life and when he is gone peaceful but sad.  After 3 years of this yo- yoing I know the friendship will never work, not for any great length of time anyway before ST is implemented again.  But life just feel so dull without him in it.  I have my husband and daughter, we have a nice life and do things we enjoy.  We recently moved to a bigger house and although its costing us more money its given us more room so we aren't top of one another and peace of mind from neighbours we hated.  Work is going well, I continue to go to the gym and enjoy the activities there... .but life is DULL.

I am committed to maintaining no contact but I can't but help crave that hit of excitement. I'm sure it will pass the longer no contact continues.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi insideoutside,

I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s stroke.  How’s he now?  How are you doing aside from your friendship issue?

Happy, but anxious is familiar to me.  I think one of the things that initially attracted me to my estranged uBPDh was the excitement that was always around him.  We have been married for a long time and I rarely felt  completely at ease with him.  He always kept me on my toes.

Now that we are separated, I sometimes miss the excitement we had, but the peacefulness is a good trade off.  There was a bad side to the excitement and it really usually ended in some sort of chaos. 

I have recently been reading about addictive relationships, which I think describes mine.  I read a passage about how codependents look to others to make decisions and take the lead in pursuits.  This adequately describes how we operated.

I think the answer is like your name - start by looking inside yourself to create your own exciting experiences.  On one website it recommends creating islands of excitement.  Things to swim toward.  What do you think?

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Insom]

Hi, insideoutside.

Sorry, I am clueless. What is ST?

[insideoutside]

Hi, insideoutside.

Sorry, I am clueless. What is ST?

Sorry Insom

ST = Silent Treatment.  My ex friend is the master of it.  No wonder at the age of 50 he has never married, lives in a rented room and has nothing to do with his daughter as it would appear he cannot get or stay close to anybody.

Today I'm more grounded.  In fact I'm annoyed as I am sure he is stealthily following a fitness page I attend but not under his own name.  Doesn't want to be in contact but nosey enough to follow that page.  Its just bizarre behaviour.

[Insom]

Ah, thanks for clarifying, insideoutside.

Like Mustbeabetterway, I can relate to the range of feelings you've described.

Today I'm more grounded.

Would you like to say more about what you mean by more grounded?  Yesterday you sounded sad.  Today it sounds like the sadness has passed and you're feeling annoyed.

[Cromwell]

Hi InsideOutside

Sounds like you enjoy fitness, the gym, but words use like "crave" the "hit" - I can relate to, I lost it the longer NC went and im not sure if its a combination of finding new sources of excitement and/or a sort of physical re-adaptation the body does.

Sure it can be dull to do the stationary cycle for 15 minutes, burn off the equivalent of a slice of apple and see other 'normal' people equally doing dull repetitive things - its a gym, not a broadway show.  but theres no denying it feels good, it sounds to me as if youve got your life in a good place - minus the drama, try to be creative do different things than the norm, maybe they wont have that intensity of feeling as id relate to injecting myself with an epi-pen each time i was with my ex, but im sure you probably experienced the same after excitement comedowns. (can be easy to forget and only focus on the hit)

If I truly have to unpack what constituted the actual 'excitement' of returning to my ex each time - it was the 'make-up' sex with her after being plunged into so much mental and emotional confusion. Because i know there is no return, there is no expectation of it, so the thought of her itself has become 'dull'. Much of the exciting times I look back "I" was her drug hit, I supplied the excitement, besides being good company, it was a case of lifting her mood, this is not a straight forward one-sided drug analogy -

what is it do you think your ex craves from you?

[insideoutside]

Hi InsideOutside

Sounds like you enjoy fitness, the gym, but words use like "crave" the "hit" - I can relate to, I lost it the longer NC went and im not sure if its a combination of finding new sources of excitement and/or a sort of physical re-adaptation the body does.

Sure it can be dull to do the stationary cycle for 15 minutes, burn off the equivalent of a slice of apple and see other 'normal' people equally doing dull repetitive things - its a gym, not a broadway show.  but theres no denying it feels good, it sounds to me as if youve got your life in a good place - minus the drama, try to be creative do different things than the norm, maybe they wont have that intensity of feeling as id relate to injecting myself with an epi-pen each time i was with my ex, but im sure you probably experienced the same after excitement comedowns. (can be easy to forget and only focus on the hit)

If I truly have to unpack what constituted the actual 'excitement' of returning to my ex each time - it was the 'make-up' sex with her after being plunged into so much mental and emotional confusion. Because i know there is no return, there is no expectation of it, so the thought of her itself has become 'dull'. Much of the exciting times I look back "I" was her drug hit, I supplied the excitement, besides being good company, it was a case of lifting her mood, this is not a straight forward one-sided drug analogy -

what is it do you think your ex craves from you?

Hi Cromwell

I used to think my ex craved closeness from me.  I genuinely feel that he cared about me; that he wanted to get close and at times think he allowed himself to but I'm not a wallflower.  If somebody annoys me they get to know about it and I wouldn't put up with what I felt was disrespecting me.  When we were first in contact I would always run after him and try to make up with him when we fell out or if he did ST; however I don't anymore.  We are both quite stubborn people and it is like a competition who will give in first.  A colleague of mine did say to me once he thinks my friend is jealous of my life and relationship with my husband, I didn't think so at first but I do wonder if that is the case now.  Or it could be that like myself, he remembers the good days of our youth when we were both young and carefree and how much fun we had and wondering if that could ever be recreated, which of course it can't.  Then I read about things that keep us attached and about the belief that they felt things like we did and I go back to thinking I doubt he cared at all in reality.  But I do think he felt something.  If he didn't why has he come back repeatedly over the past 3 years.