I am really struggling right now. Many of you know my story involving my BPD ex, I've been out of that situation for three years now, however I believe I stayed in that toxic relationship due to my own toxic relationship with my sister and mother, not sure but it seems pretty probable!
Without getting into long, winding details, when I was in HS my sister had jaw surgery. We were "blessed" with our father's huge teeth but tiny mouths. While I had six teeth extracted and went into braces, my sister had to also have her jaw broken. After the surgery, she didn't like how she looked (there was nothing wrong, she's actually quite stunning) and she refused to go back to school.
From that moment forward my mother coddled her. She was 14 at the time. She battled the school and my father (who sided with the school---they are divorced) to let my sister be homeschooled... .and she was.
Everything was about my sister and I essentially was forgotten. My sister is now 40 and has probably had one job in her life. For most of it, she lived as an agoraphobic and stayed inside the house, my mother supporting both of them on probably 50K a year at most.
Now my mother works 60-65hrs a week so I use homeschooling loosely. Supposedly she went on to get an online Masters but from the moment my sister was homeschooled my mother and sister kept any info from me because I still talk to my father... .who by the way, did nothing wrong. I lived with them for several years as if we were roomates. I was not part of their "clique" and was treated as such. I always have had issues fitting in, so I was used to it, still it hurt, probably more now thinking about it than at the time.
My mother and I have not had a great relationship since she changed the locks on me, at my sister's persistence. I was never welcome back in my family home, and literally live three miles from my mother in my condo.
The other day a neighbor informed me my childhood home is for sale. She was floored as she is my mother's god-daughter and has known my family over 45yrs. I reached out to my mother (in shock) and she was furious! She told my neighbor she was a traitor and that because she informed me she was moving, my own mother, she will not be giving her a forwarding address.
So I am sitting here at 43yo broken. Who does this to their children? I am not perfect but I was a good kid. I followed rules, was never arrested, never did drugs. I wasn't a great student but I went on to live a productive life. I do ok for myself, I try to help others when I can and be a good person.
I am trying to wrap my head around being essentially discarded and abandoned by someone who should have loved me unconditionally. Clearly, this has affected me and many of my life choices. I am hard on myself and often feel unworthy of love, probably because love was missing from my life at an early age.
My father is also very sick and dying so this news coming that my mother would be disappearing without a trace but is in seemingly good health is really weighing on me. I don't know how to process this or make sense of this "punishment" or "banishment". My mother still blames me for things I said or did when I was 8yo and wonders why I don't want a relationship. She also wants a relationship on HER terms only, meet for dinner etc. but I am not to know where she resides.
Please tell me I am not crazy. This makes me feel like I am a criminal or someone to fear and I so am not. Just very very sad right now. I am finding myself happier being alone than forming relationships nowadays. Relationships hurt.
