Emotional Abuse After A few Good Months

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm in a same sex 'relationship' with a guy with BPD (as in they're emotionally unavailable and we're not officially together, but we're in one of those complex BPD relationships where we're more than friends but not quite anything else)  The last few months have been good.  I feel I've been better at accepting them for who they are and the way things are between us.

So my SO sometimes looks after his 8-year old nephew.  He's a great kid and we have fun taking him out playing Pokemon Go in the car as a gang of three.

There was an incident some months back where I overheard my SO making fun of me to his nephew.  I didn't think much of it, but it escalated to the point where my SO was almost egging his nephew on to try and push all my buttons.  At the time I just let it slide but when later that day I popped out, my SO left their house to go to his mum's with my nephew leaving a load of my stuff (that I needed) locked in his house and refusing to respond to me for days.

As a result, I'm a little sensitive to this.  My SO knows this and knows that one of my personal bugbears is being taken for granted.

So we picked up my SO's nephew last night and drive around town Pokemoning.  The nephew has recently had leg surgery and so has his legs in casts .  We're pretty immature when we're all together but I find my SO sometimes acts like he's 8 years old as well rather than trying to be the responsible adult.

The nephew mentioned he was holding a sweet/candy wrapper, and my SO just told them to throw in anywhere.  Now, I get my car is a mess and yes it's my SO who often cleans it out but I don't think that's being a responsible adult.  It doesn't bother me at the time.

Then we go and meet some friends.  The nephew is using my hotspot so they can play but to park the car safely it's a little further than the hotspot reaches.  My SO jumps out the car to talk to our friends.  I jump out as well.  The nephew was sleeping but wakes up and can't play so starts climbing around my car.  He's not being naughty, he's just being a 8 year old, but instead of just reminding his nephew that he's in someone's car and to treat it with a bit of respect, my SO starts egging my nephew on. 

The nephew jokes that he's going to drive the car away  (as a 8 year old would) and my SO starts bitching about the handbrake.  This just causes the nephew to escalate and he starts joking that he's going to run me over.  Again I don't take anything from it because the kid's 8 and he's in a situation where my SO isn't setting any boundaries.  But my SO just starts laughing and joining in, to the point that the group of friends gathered there all look at me and raise eyebrows as if to say "What the heck?"  (They don't know about his BPD)

I try and calm it down with a comment of "Just remember who drove you here"  but it continues, the nephew is jumping round my car with leg casts on and my SO is just laughing.  He's not causing any damage or doing anything that could cause danger but the level of disrespect, especially in front of friends, really bothers me.

So I go over and calmly say to both of them:  "Look guys, I've driven you 60 miles round town tonight".  The nephew gets it, realises he's overstepped and adjusts his behaviour but my SO goes into a sulk.  He curtly says he wants to be taken home, and if I don't he'll get a taxi.  Personally I felt I said everything that needed to be said.  I have no malice, I'm just trying to nip it in the bud before it escalates even more.

I suggest we play some more Pokemon, SO wants to be taken home.  I realise that he's emotionally dsyregulated and to just be quiet.  I drive the 10 mins back, he orders me to just pull over, and gets out the car.  Nephew asks if we're going out tomorrow.  I tell him that I hope so.  No sign of upset from him and he gets that his uncle is being odd.    SO helps nephew out and takes the car seat that's been in my car for the last few months with him.  I ask calmly if my SO wants to talk (I normally get invited in for tea).  He says no.

Today I'm angry.  I'm angry his BPD has struck after a few good months.  I'm angry that I'm left feeling like the villain here.  I'm angry that his taking of the car seat was an emotional blow.

I feel my SO knows my boundaries and can't be in any doubt he overstepped it.  I feel I handled it correctly, didn't shout or snap, didn't issue ultimatums.  A sorry and it'd be forgotten.  But it's turned into a drama where I'm going to get the silent treatment for days now... .and when that's over he'll rather not travel in my car again or have me hang out with his nephew and him than accept his fault.  Instead it'll be me that's seen as difficult and be expected to justify MY behaviour.

I love my SO to bits but by God I'm having trouble liking him today

[Figures]

I'm in a same sex 'relationship' with a guy with BPD (as in they're emotionally unavailable and we're not officially together, but we're in one of those complex BPD relationships where we're more than friends but not quite anything else)  The last few months have been good.  I feel I've been better at accepting them for who they are and the way things are between us.

So my SO sometimes looks after his 8-year old nephew.  He's a great kid and we have fun taking him out playing Pokemon Go in the car as a gang of three.

There was an incident some months back where I overheard my SO making fun of me to his nephew.  I didn't think much of it, but it escalated to the point where my SO was almost egging his nephew on to try and push all my buttons.  At the time I just let it slide but when later that day I popped out, my SO left their house to go to his mum's with my nephew leaving a load of my stuff (that I needed) locked in his house and refusing to respond to me for days.

As a result, I'm a little sensitive to this.  My SO knows this and knows that one of my personal bugbears is being taken for granted.

So we picked up my SO's nephew last night and drive around town Pokemoning.  The nephew has recently had leg surgery and so has his legs in casts .  We're pretty immature when we're all together but I find my SO sometimes acts like he's 8 years old as well rather than trying to be the responsible adult.

The nephew mentioned he was holding a sweet/candy wrapper, and my SO just told them to throw in anywhere.  Now, I get my car is a mess and yes it's my SO who often cleans it out but I don't think that's being a responsible adult.  It doesn't bother me at the time.

Then we go and meet some friends.  The nephew is using my hotspot so they can play but to park the car safely it's a little further than the hotspot reaches.  My SO jumps out the car to talk to our friends.  I jump out as well.  The nephew was sleeping but wakes up and can't play so starts climbing around my car.  He's not being naughty, he's just being a 8 year old, but instead of just reminding his nephew that he's in someone's car and to treat it with a bit of respect, my SO starts egging my nephew on. 

The nephew jokes that he's going to drive the car away  (as a 8 year old would) and my SO starts bitching about the handbrake.  This just causes the nephew to escalate and he starts joking that he's going to run me over.  Again I don't take anything from it because the kid's 8 and he's in a situation where my SO isn't setting any boundaries.  But my SO just starts laughing and joining in, to the point that the group of friends gathered there all look at me and raise eyebrows as if to say "What the heck?"  (They don't know about his BPD)

I try and calm it down with a comment of "Just remember who drove you here"  but it continues, the nephew is jumping round my car with leg casts on and my SO is just laughing.  He's not causing any damage or doing anything that could cause danger but the level of disrespect, especially in front of friends, really bothers me.

So I go over and calmly say to both of them:  "Look guys, I've driven you 60 miles round town tonight".  The nephew gets it, realises he's overstepped and adjusts his behaviour but my SO goes into a sulk.  He curtly says he wants to be taken home, and if I don't he'll get a taxi.  Personally I felt I said everything that needed to be said.  I have no malice, I'm just trying to nip it in the bud before it escalates even more.

I suggest we play some more Pokemon, SO wants to be taken home.  I realise that he's emotionally dsyregulated and to just be quiet.  I drive the 10 mins back, he orders me to just pull over, and gets out the car.  Nephew asks if we're going out tomorrow.  I tell him that I hope so.  No sign of upset from him and he gets that his uncle is being odd.    SO helps nephew out and takes the car seat that's been in my car for the last few months with him.  I ask calmly if my SO wants to talk (I normally get invited in for tea).  He says no.

Today I'm angry.  I'm angry his BPD has struck after a few good months.  I'm angry that I'm left feeling like the villain here.  I'm angry that his taking of the car seat was an emotional blow.

I feel my SO knows my boundaries and can't be in any doubt he overstepped it.  I feel I handled it correctly, didn't shout or snap, didn't issue ultimatums.  A sorry and it'd be forgotten.  But it's turned into a drama where I'm going to get the silent treatment for days now... .and when that's over he'll rather not travel in my car again or have me hang out with his nephew and him than accept his fault.  Instead it'll be me that's seen as difficult and be expected to justify MY behaviour.

I love my SO to bits but by God I'm having trouble liking him today

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi Figures,

Thank you for this really thoughtful post! My goodness you are so balanced! I am very impressed! It's a real inspiration to read this. I know with all my heart how hard it is to stay calm in the face of such things that would make any adult want to pull their hair out! So, kudos to you for not only doing this, but also showing us that it is possible.

By just taking the first step of regulating our own emotions we can do so much to make a difference in things not escalating, and retaining some semblance of normalcy - at least on our side of things. Wow.

Okay. So, I guess what I can say in response here is that I, and many of us, can understand how hard it is look at our SO's... .in the most flattering light when they cross boundaries with such disregard for us. So, I want to say, it is okay to be disappointed, or sad, or hurt, or disgusted, whatever you feel. It's okay to feel it.

One way to get that tenderness back in your heart, if that is a comfort for you, would be to imagine them as a small child too. Just to soften your heart again. If you want! No rush! And I only say this because it seems hard for you to feel your feelings. (I know anger is a weird emotion for me personally to deal with.)

I am sorry for the silent treatment. I know how bad that can feel! I've learned to take a small dose of it as a nice break! But too much of it can go way too far and lead to a big relationship breakdown. Does it last long typically?

I learned with my SO that he was not going to think up the right things to say to me on his own. So I wrote out things for him to say to me when things like this come up. I wonder, if at another point, they might be willing to say to you "I care how you feel." My SO had no idea to even say that! But now that he does he says it and it helps a lot! He is glad he learned something he can say for a situation he can't think on his feet in. My stuff may be totally afield here, and I am sorry if it is, but I wonder if that might be something to try another day? Help him in learning how to make things better - if he is up for it! My SO is, yours might not be!

Does he show remorse in any way you could recognize? Does he ever try to make a repair with you or does all get brushed under the rug? What brings you two back together typically?

with compassion, pearl.

[Figures]

I never used to be so balanced and believe me it's a struggle.

We suffered a homophobic incident a few months back where people made jokes about us being together.  I'm a very straight-acting martial artist so the incident itself didn't bother me but my SO's reaction was to tell me how he felt nothing for me and we were just friends and anything else was me just reading into things.  He told me how me buying flowers for him (something he'd previously kissed me for because no-one had ever done that for him) was embarrassing and how he hated it.  That hurt a lot and so I decided to just step away for good saying if he felt nothing for me then he'd find other friends.  He became a wailing banshee at that (as if I was breaking up with him) but it convinced me that I wasn't mad and that he did feel something even if he can't properly express it.  I took some professional relationship advice to which the result was that while walking away was probably the better option, given the abuse he'd suffered I should just accept him and show solidarity at an event he wanted me at the next day.  I came away from that conversation really understanding radical acceptance.

I'd been told to ask him to at least accept that I feel the way I do, but he was stubborn about that and refused to be drawn.  He acted as if this was all my fault.   However, the next day after the event he took me trampolining and whilst I never said anything I realised he'd actually taken me on a date.

I've been a tiny bit more distant since  (mainly for my own sanity / stability).  I don't buy flowers, I do a little less for him  (I was hurt by what he said and there have been consequences as a result) but we still hang out every day, I reinforce him and we flirt outrageously.  I feel I'm being more consistent as a result and less in the fog of his BPD.  I've been less concerned with defining what our 'relationship' is or reading his emotions to second guess him and instead enjoying our time together.  As a result, it seems healthier for both of us.

Lately we've been playing music in the car and I suspect that he's using it to try and tell me things subconsciously.  Some of the tracks are very BPD talking about pushing and pulling but I think there's some transference going on as I've been the most balanced I've ever been.  I've tried hard not to overthink it whilst trying to pay attention to the songs he plays.  I suspect he feels the distance and it troubles him that I don't actively chase him any more.  But I also think he takes his problems and blames them on other people as a bit of a coping mechanism.

The problem as I see it is that with this latest incident, instead of just saying sorry and respecting my feelings, he'll vow to avoid the problem by never taking a lift with me again.  He'll be stubborn about that.  His problem is that when the emotion becomes too strong he'll basically jettison anything capable of causing an emotion to soothe his overloaded brain.  And it leads to stupid decisions.  He can handle the small day to day stuff but he makes huge mistakes on the big things (probably because of the level of emotion needed)

The example I used to explain this to him was about cabbages.  He might love cabbages but if the farmer's dog died in the cabbage field, eating cabbages will trigger that memory.   So he'll be unable to process that volume of emotion and so will jettison his love of cabbages as a result.  And then you end up with him telling you he hates cabbages whilst continuing to eat them.

He admits he's crap at talking.  I suspect he'll be silent for a day or two.  I'll probably give him and me space and wait for him to contact me.   I hate that it gives him the control but I'll try and busy myself with other things.  There's always a background worry that he'll ghost me for good  (but I combat that by reminding myself that no-one else would put up with his crap for as long as I have).   I might get a text message about something random tonight or tomorrow but it'll be fleeting.  I'll use things such as whether he's been on Pokemon Go as an indicator as to whether he's pissed off at me (transference) or depressed / possibly remorseful.  I used to use read receipts from his texts as a way to know he was OK but he's very privacy focused and turned those off.  I'm never sure if that's part of his emotional abuse though I've never told him I use things like that to gauge if he's OK.

My attitude is that I said what I needed to say last night and will just continue as normal (although I'm toying with the idea of postponing normality by 24 hours so that there is a consequence.  I.e.  Sure, we can hang out but from tomorrow not tonight).  I won't get an apology (although I do want one)  but if I'm lucky I'll get an act of service (the way he expresses his emotions).  I'm never sure if that's him showing remorse or him attempting to soothe my feelings but it's something.

[pearlsw]

Hi Figures,

My heart goes out to you to hear that you suffered this homophobic mistreatment, and that in turn caused your partner to alter his behaviors towards you.

I have experienced racism and prejudice from others (towards my partners and I) in various relationships over the years and while not the same I can relate on the basis of how this brings a particular sadness and extra level of struggle and pain to a relationship when society at large, and individuals, can make life that much harder for a couple via mistreatment.

May I ask what helped you to become so balanced? How do you maintain your cool at such tough times? Also, I get the impression you are already working a lot of the tools. Can you tell us which ones?

Do you have some resentment?

sincerely, pearl.

[Figures]

I'm not sure I keep my cool, just find ways to channel it.

I watched a lot of relationship videos on the "No Contact" rule.  My takeaway is that those moments of silence are actually very good at resetting relationships.  I used it to great effect when he told me he didn't feel for me and as much as it absolutely killed me inside, I reminded myself that it was me taking control.  There's a powerplay in all relationships and when my SO becomes emotionally disregulated it's often them trying to exert control in order to illicit a reaction.  (To use your analogy, it's like a child having a tantrum because they want attention).  The thing I'm still learning is when to let them kick and scream in the corner and when to offer them ice cream to placate them.  And I do worry with the episodes coming every couple of months that there's a danger of creating an unhealthy cycle of us both using silence as a weapon.  I don't ever want to feel I'm manipulating his emotions.

I remind myself that I don't have BPD.  Again, when they are disregulated and you're trying to 'fix' things to the point of co-dependency it sometimes feels that it's you rather than them.  But I can maintain healthy relationships, I have social skills so if we did go our separate ways... .he's going to come off worse than me.  As harsh as it sounds, he needs me more than I need him.  So if I was to be split black permanently and he found a new favourite person, they are going to encounter all the same problems.  For example,  I was thinking today how the reason he bonds with his nephew so closely is because they have a similar level of emotional intelligence.  I'm fully expecting the fallout from this latest episode to be his conclusion that I should just keep away from his nephew  (he knows I like the kid and this would be an emotional gutpunch he could deliver).  But in readying myself for it, I know that the nephew is already seeing his uncle's odd behaviour.  In a couple of years the nephew will have grown emotionally and my SO will run a real risk of splitting his nephew black at an age where it won't get forgotten and that bond will be permanently damaged.  Now I don't want to see that happen, I take no joy from it... .but it works as a reminder that it's not just me when I'm second guessing myself and feeling guilty for having done nothing wrong

When he splits me black, I make sure I surround myself with friends.  Maybe this is me being slightly cruel but I make sure that in splitting me black, he isolates himself rather than having someone else to run to.  I'm not going to deny him access to anyone but I make isolation his route of least resistance.

I remind myself that I am there by choice.  Something that came out of the professional relationship advice was that we can't help who we are attracted to, but loving someone is a conscious effort.  He's emotionally unavailable.  I can take it one day at a time and enjoy the majority of good days but I don't have to be there for the bad ones.  I don't HAVE to love him, it's always a choice.

When I was feeling (and sometimes still do) feel co-dependent, I try and hold off texting him so that he texts me first.  That can be unbearable and there have been times in the past when he's split me so black that I've been the wrong side of the line between having indicators to know he's OK  (i.e. he's angry rather than depressed) and stalking him  (taking a route that allows me to see if his bike is parked by his house). 

So how does this play out?  I'll give you an honest example but I'm by no means perfect.  I had no contact from him yesterday.  I got everything off my chest by posting here and told myself that even if he did contact me I might wait delay hanging out by 24 hours.  I checked a messageboard we both use a few times during the day and he hadn't posted.  From that I deduced he was isolating himself (depression vs just angry with me).   That worried me a little.  I don't know which is worse:  him hating himself or him hating me

I contacted another friend to go out playing Pokemon Go.  A large part of that was about surrounding myself with people and knowing that I'm not at fault here  (I can be social!), but I'll be honest and say a small part was about ensuring that if my SO wanted to avoid me he had to avoid other people as well and isolate himself.  As I went out I saw the nephew and his parents had taken a Pokemon Gym right by me on their way home (I presume), so I told myself that the nephew obviously wanted to play today but my SO 'hadn't let him'  (I'm not sure that's true but it made me feel better thinking it might be true).  I figured that if I was going to get a text it would be now that my SO was alone.

I was having fun but did find myself checking indicators regularly.  So when I saw he was playing I was a mix of emotions.  Good, he was getting out the house... .but the fact that he hadn't contacted me did hurt as it meant he was angry with me.  We have this thing we do every day to build friendship levels in game.  Either of us can instigate it but I intended to hold out to gauge how black I'd been split by seeing if he did it.  I told myself that if he didn't do it I would just before midnight.  That's as much me ensuring that I didn't feel I was caving in  (I said I would do it if he didn't) as sending a message that I care.  He didn't do it.  That upset me the most last night  (stupid I know).  I guess because it's a friendship mechanic in game the fact he'd not instigated last night sends a message of how he values our friendship currently  (possibly deliberately).  But I did it, because I value our friendship and because I was doing what i said I would and not caving in.  I reminded myself that this was exerting control.

I didn't try and avoid him, nor did I try and find him but I suspected we might run into each other.  The friend in the car with me and I thought we heard his scooter at one point but we didn't go looking.  The fact that the friend could see my SO's actions was a bit of comfort.  It reminded me that it's not just me.  But it's not my place to explain his BPD, just that my SO can be like this at times.  I don't want to cast him as a villain nor reveal his condition but I think the friend got the vibe it's mental illness.  In fact, we talked little about my SO and when we did it was always couched in terms that this will probably pass and things will be back to normal at some point.  I made a point of not bitching, but I did probably sigh once or twice in the evening as I was feeling very sad.

At one point we drive round and he's parked on his scooter.  He shoots off and I'm not sure as he disappears into the distance whether he's giving me the finger or the stupid wave all three of us do to each other.  Not sure he sees the friend in the car.  My SO is doing something different in game to what me and the friend are doing.  I have no intention to do the same.  I want to give him the space.  If he wanted to talk he would not have shot off... .but at least I tell myself, the friend can see his actions.  That's a solace to me.  His emotional abuse is there to see, it's not something that might just exist in my own head.

We drive off and whilst I see my SO parked down a sidestreet to avoid us (watching for us passing in his mirrors) I take us to another part of town.  Only much later do I come back to that area and do the thing he'd been doing.  it's very visible in-game and so I know he'll see in-game.  I do worry whether he'll see that as me showing I want to support him, or he'll see it as something more aggressive.

All the time I'm trying to empathise.  Does he think my comment yesterday was that I don't want to take him around any more, or did he just not like being "told off"?  It makes my head run at 90 miles an hour and I can't think of anything else.  That angers me.  I question why I let him take up so much mental headspace, especially when the act of stepping back had allowed me to breathe for a while.  I stay up late mulling over whether it's just the splitting black episodes that are toxic, or if it's him.  I hate that I'm the villain for doing nothing wrong.  I go over past episodes.  I think this one is one of the worst because of the in-game friendship thing.  He would have never of done that previously.  He might not speak, he might hate me, but he'd not risk sending a message that the friendship was over.  I think it might be mirroring my no contact from a few months back.  Are we playing a power struggle of emotional abuse?  I conclude that no contact might not be the right option for this incident but wonder how I can change the script without manipulating him nor making him feel that the way to get what he wants is more emotional abuse.  I vow to myself that in a few weeks there's going to be some new boundaries set.

I wonder if this is deeper than just the incident with the car?  Has been unhappy and just been tolerating me?  I note that he's been funny for a few days now and even the nephew thought we'd had an argument because he'd noticed his uncle being odd before the incident happened.  I rack my brains trying to figure out what.  I went away for a few days, and the song lyrics he played since talked about distance.  Is it jealousy or is it him pushing for fear of that distance growing?  But overthinking is old habits.  It's a whirlpool that sucks me in.  I counter it with asking myself whether these BPD episodes are just going to get worse.  Do I really want to subject myself to them.

I go to bed late and wake this morning from a restless sleep resolved that if I don't hear from him I'm probably going to text him today (if only to break the cycle / be the bigger man).  To stop slipping into co-dependency it'll be at a set time  (I'm thinking 6pmish) and use techniques here to ensure it validates but doesn't enable his behaviour.  No idea what to send yet.  I'm mentally preparing for silence.  If that's the case, I'll probably just maintain contact at a distance by sending something meaningless.  The key for me is to remain the active party in this and remember this is a choice.  That's the way I'll ensure I don't get sucked into co-dependency.   But by God, it's tough

[pearlsw]

Hi Figures,

It is so insightful to get read your thought processes with all of this. Again, a readl model of slowing down, and not getting reactive.

It sounds like you have a basic approach that you use to handle the typical issues that come up for you.

Do you have anyone to confide or get support from, aside from here, about the fact that your partner has BPD? I'm glad you came here and wrote yesterday - it is often a good way to talk out things we can't always talk out with our partners.

In terms of setting boundaries what do you have in mind? I'm on my old computer so I don't have my fancy links handy right now, but have you seen the resource information on the site about boundaries?

take care, pearl.

[Figures]

In terms of setting boundaries what do you have in mind? I'm on my old computer so I don't have my fancy links handy right now, but have you seen the resource information on the site about boundaries?

I find boundaries difficult.  I've read a lot about them and still I find setting them hard as my SO goes inward and quiet when they disregulate.

But I think one of the boundaries is around disrespect and being taken for granted.  I've discussed at length with my SO about how I hate being taken for granted and when I am by people I simply refuse to do anything further for them.  I suspect this is part of the reason for my SO's current disregulation.

As for having someone to confide in... .I think most of my other friends don't understand BPD and see it as a slightly toxic one-soded relationship.  It doesn't help that my SO dislikes social engagements and actively avoids them, so they've not really got to know him well enough to make an informed judgement (they may be right, they may be wrong).