Why now after divorce?

[Mike_confused]

Hello all.   I will be as brief as possible.   It has been a couple years since I posted here.  I have a BPD now ex-wife.   All the classic behaviors by her were present, and I assume still are.  We divorced when she suddenly decided she was getting an apartment.   She did not contest anything and I finally got away without expense.   Soon after the divorce she begins communicating via text.   In one of those messages, she informs me she could not afford her apartment and now lives with someone.   Several months ago she called me from her car saying she made a mistake and asked if she could come live with me (she is essentially unemployed, or at least under employed).  I did not respond.   A couple weeks ago I am told by her friend she is living with her old boyfriend from 10 years ago - the same guy that cut off the power and heat in December in the northeast so she would leave.  Several days ago she calls me to tell me that she "did not realize how well i treated her and provided for her".    She said the old boy friend does none of that.

What the hell?  I have been apart from her for more than a year and I don't need the mind games.    Is this behavior common for folks with BPD?

[BeagleGirl]

Mike_Confused,
Welcome back. I’m sorry about the circumstances of your return.  I can definitely understand your confusion.

I think that if you read through the posts on the detaching board you won’t have to look far to find an example of a “recycle” bid by pwBPD.

Other than confused, how did her recognition of what she lost when she left you make you feel?  Would you mind sharing how you responded to her?

BeagleGirl

[Mike_confused]

Well, her acknowledgment of what she lost when she left me made me think that is was too little too late.    She will keep trying to win me back covertly I suspect, otherwise I cannot imagine why she said those things.  It just tells me that things with her old boyfriend are the same as they always were.   I used to wonder why he would be cruel enough to leave the house and shut off the power - I don't wonder anymore.

[MeandThee29]

My therapist warned me about this.

She said that even if he finds someone else and seems supremely happy, at some point, he's likely to decide that I'm not so bad.

Don't buy it. Unless there is deep, fundamental change, it isn't going to be any different.

[Insom]

Hi, Mike_confused.  Allow me to join BeagleGirl in offering you a mixed (but warm!) welcome . . . Glad to see you!  Sorry you had to seek us out again. 

As MeandThee29 suggested, this is common BPD behavior.

It sounds like you may have gone awhile without significant interactions with your ex.  Would you like to share more about what you've been up to the last couple of years since leaving this site?  How are things going for you in general?

[Mike_confused]

for the year and a half I have been without her, I have done what I always have done.  The difference is I have all my money, no one is hitting me and I have a peaceful life alone -- lonely --- but peaceful.  Truth is, I don't trust myself to enter into a relationship because I don't think I can pick the right one.   I have read the multitude of sayings and catchy encouragements both on here and many places otherwise - and I yet, I can honestly stand before God and say "I QUIT".  I will live out my days alone.   It is safer.    And way cheaper.  Cest La Vie

[Mike_confused]

As I re-read what  I wrote earlier about quitting I realize it may sound a bit harsh.   Sorry for that.   It was an honest statement though.

[MeandThee29]

As I re-read what  I wrote earlier about quitting I realize it may sound a bit harsh.   Sorry for that.   It was an honest statement though.

I get it. Ironically mine sent me a "let's talk" email tonight after months of no contact.

Nope. I'm better single. It's OK to say it.

[BasementDweller]

I get it. Ironically mine sent me a "let's talk" email tonight after months of no contact.

Nope. I'm better single. It's OK to say it.

I wonder if I'll get one of those eventually. Right now my BPDex thinks I'm the anti-Christ. But I suspect he might rethink that when he calms down and tries dating again and realizes he lost a woman with the patience of a saint. There aren't a lot of those left out there - especially not in the culture we live in in this country (very matriarchal) at our age group, and taking into consideration his special breed of insanity which most of the local women have run screaming from in six months or less. 

[MeandThee29]

I wonder if I'll get one of those eventually.

Brief email in July that he wants to talk one-on-one about reconciliation and will be kind.

I turned him down, pointing out that this has never been productive before. I pointed out the need for accountability and counselling. The person that has been handling that for me actually sent him a letter with my approval shortly after that urging contact with them versus the one-on-one.

Hurt email that I took him wrong and that he has turned things around. Told me to beware of my counsellors. He hasn't been seeing anyone and has done this on his own.

Yes, I've heard that before. I've actually lost count of the recycles now.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, meandthee! Ah, ok. I'm sorry to hear this. The endless failed recycles must be both heartbreaking and frustrating. This is our first real break-up, and I moved out. I can't imagine a recycle attempt on his part, as he seems to discard people pretty easily for years on end, including his own mother and sister. (BPD and Histrionic, respectively.) But who knows what will happen when he gets lonely, and realizes that he's STILL not compatible with most people.

He also loathes me at this point, and sees me as "the enemy" but I guess that could change. I don't know. I miss him, but trying again now is not in the cards. I'm still reeling from the pain of how he acted in the end. I don't know if I will ever be able to see past that.

When significant time has passed, I would consider talking to him about what he is working on in therapy, and what conclusions he has come to. He IS in therapy to his credit, and has gotten the drinking problem under control. But we're less than two months out, and at this point, extreme LC is the way to go. If in the future he appeared legitimately aware of his actions and illustrated that he understood his part in the relationship failure, and that he grasped how and what to do differently next time, I'd consider some casual dates to see how he acted. He is aware and accepting of his diagnosis and is actively seeking help. I suspect it wil take years though, if he ever is able to really make significant changes.

mike_confused - It sounds like you have a solid head on your shoulders now and have peacefully moved on. Good on you! Whatever path you choose in the future - whether you try again or not (I mean with someone else)... .you survived this. I guess I did too, but I'm still stumbling around traumatized wondering What the heck happened to my life.

[MeandThee29]

Hi, meandthee! Ah, ok. I'm sorry to hear this. The endless failed recycles must be both heartbreaking and frustrating.

When significant time has passed, I would consider talking to him about what he is working on in therapy, and what conclusions he has come to. He IS in therapy to his credit, and has gotten the drinking problem under control. But we're less than two months out, and at this point, extreme LC is the way to go. If in the future he appeared legitimately aware of his actions and illustrated that he understood his part in the relationship failure, and that he grasped how and what to do differently next time, I'd consider some casual dates to see how he acted. He is aware and accepting of his diagnosis and is actively seeking help. I suspect it wil take years though, if he ever is able to really make significant changes.

The recycles have really torn me up. I guess because I feel so conflicted, but he doesn't see his way of thinking to be wrong at all. He views this as a serious marital conflict, not a problem precipitated by his deeper issues and my responses. He's been a part of my life for decades, and it's tough to work through this.

We have a therapist from over a decade ago that treated him for PTSD that I continued to see on the sly. I saw her less this year because she's further away, and I found someone closer with a slightly different approach that found helpful. However, I recently saw her again, and she emphasized that he needs to get himself in order before any talk of reconciliation.

[BasementDweller]

The recycles have really torn me up. I guess because I feel so conflicted, but he doesn't see his way of thinking to be wrong at all. He views this as a serious marital conflict, not a problem precipitated by his deeper issues and my responses. He's been a part of my life for decades, and it's tough to work through this.

This makes it much harder, I think. I haven't known my ex nearly as long as you knew yours, and so we don't have any extended history. We met not even three years ago. Your situation is much more complex, and I can see how the endless recycles would be heartbreaking, especially if you have seen no real positive change. It's not really easy to just cut someone out of your life that you have known and been close to for that long. I suppose it can be done - but it has to be gut-wrenching... .and very confusing also.

[Insom]

As I re-read what  I wrote earlier about quitting I realize it may sound a bit harsh.   Sorry for that.   It was an honest statement though.

Writing is a great way to suss out how you feel.  It sounds like it felt a little jarring, though, to read back your thoughts.  I keep a journal intermittently and can relate to feeling taken aback by stuff I've written that is honest but raw.

Truth is, I don't trust myself to enter into a relationship because I don't think I can pick the right one.   I have read the multitude of sayings and catchy encouragements both on here and many places otherwise - and I yet, I can honestly stand before God and say "I QUIT".  I will live out my days alone.   It is safer. 

It sounds this breakup was an especially painful one and that you're still licking your wounds.  Other than safety, are you able to articulate what you want in your life going forward?  I hear the prospect of getting into a new relationship feels off-putting at the moment.  How about other connections/relationships?  What do you hope for?

[Turkish]

We can't speak to it as a BPD behavior from a clinically observed perspective, but we can share anecdotes.

My ex is only clinically diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety.

She left me for a guy ten years her junior and 20 years mine, a college football jock. Within only a couple of months of cohabitating after marriage almost 2 years into the r/s, 6 months while living with me and the kids, she realized that she had made a horrible mistake. About a year later the DV started (both of them). A year after that and seperated, but still married to him and seeing him on occasion, she asked me to come back. I don't know about you, but while it was anti-climactic after all that she put me and the kids through, I was kind of insulted. Not that "I was second choice" but rather that she was unable to forsee how things would turn out. I did, including the DV and I told her before she left my house. A year later when she got engaged to him, I told her that it was shameful for a 30 something professional woman to be marrying a college kid who didn't' even have a career (low blow, I know), and that only a small minority of people who left to marry the affair partner stayed married after like 2 years. She got mad (rightly so, I would also) and smirked.

Everything I told her came true. So maybe it is BPD:

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderline Patients (DIB-R) is the best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. The DIB is a semi structured clinical interview that takes about 50-90 minutes to administer. The test, developed to be administered by skilled clinicians, consists of 132 questions and observations using 329 summary statements. The test looks at areas of functioning associated with borderline personality disorder. The four areas of functioning include Affect (chronic/major depression, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt, anger, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, emptiness), Cognition (odd thinking, unusual perceptions, non-delusional paranoia, quasi-psychosis), Impulse action patterns (substance abuse/dependence, sexual deviance, manipulative suicide gestures, other impulsive behaviors), and Interpersonal relationships (intolerance of aloneness, abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears, counter-dependency, stormy relationships, manipulative behaviours, dependency, devaluation, masochism/sadism, demandingness, entitlement). The test is available at no charge by contacting John Gunderson M.D. McLean Hospital in Belmont Massachusetts (617-855-2293).

[once removed]

Is this behavior common for folks with BPD?

it is common behavior in general. on the Learning board, we want to learn the differences between these things, and learn to better read human nature, face it with confidence and certainty when life (or people) throw us a curve ball.

you should have seen me before and after my breakup, the ugly things i said and thought about my ex. for the most part these days, when i do think of her, its with fondness for the good times and things we shared, and/or the lessons i learned. i havent told her any of that, its been years and we closed that door, but i suspect she feels similarly.

is it a mindgame or a recycle attempt?

we dont have anything to go on other than that she remembers and thinks of you fondly. could it be a "grass is greener" sort of thing? it could be, she mentions you did nice things that her current partner doesnt. for now, shes still in her relationship and there are no indicators beyond she better appreciates you now. id take that at face value and to the bank.

with relationships that end on a bad note, after one or both parties detach from that rawness, pain and anger, they tend to feel badly about how things ended and reflect on their actions... .often times theyll reach out to rewrite that chapter, put it to bed on a better note, feel better about things.

Truth is, I don't trust myself to enter into a relationship because I don't think I can pick the right one.
... .
I can honestly stand before God and say "I QUIT".  I will live out my days alone.   It is safer.    And way cheaper.  

id be interested to know more about this. i remember feeling that way too. what have your previous relationships been like?