S3’s mother broke LC agreement

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello fellow peers. I was undecided if I should post this on the law board or here. Seeing as how what happened had more of an emotional effect on me, as opposed to being more of a technical factor, I chose detaching.

S3’s mom and I reached an agreement that we would only communicate through written correspondence that would be delivered through S3’s backpack or the postal system if needed. Old school snail mail communication. Our communication behaviors had broken down so bad, that it had simply become emotional and hostile between us. It was too much and it was unhealthy. It went both ways, so I’m not placing blame, just stating what was. Switching to this communication method had quick and positive results. My anxiety decreased in very noticeable ways. I was thinking of her less and not obsessively checking my phone. I was feeling better and processing the situation with a little more clarity. I was pleased with the the outcome. Therapy has been taking the needed shift towards my childhood, and off of my ex. Well, I got an email a couple days ago.

Ex and I have a non-court ordered agreement on child support. I send it on the “middle of the month”. There was never an agreed up date of the month that she should receive it. In the past, I have sent it a few days before the middle, as well as a few days after the middle. There was never any friction. This month it was going to be a few days after the middle.

As I said, our communication has been written. Ex did send a letter asking when she would receive the check. This was before the middle. I didn’t respond to that letter. I felt no need to. Quite honestly, it’s been nice to not receive, nor send communication with her. Anyway, she ended up sending a hostile email a couple days ago regarding the check. She said that she would be withholding S3 from me because I “ignored” her letter. She stated that I ignored her 3 times throughout the rather short email. She didn’t express any hardship, just angst over being ignored. She said that her mother sent me texts over the issue. I received nothing of the sort. She accused me of blocking her mother’s number. Her mom is an emergency contact that was set in place with this current communication method that we are using. Why would I block her?

I didn’t JADE. I sent her a logical response, as well as screenshots showing that her mom wasn’t blocked and the only correspondence that I’ve had with her mom was one message that I sent her informing her that S3 was ill with a fever and vomiting, and to be sure that those interested had remedies on hand when I dropped him off the following morning.

I’m posting about this because it had the same old effect on me. When I read her words saying that she would be withholding S3... .again, it triggered me. My anxiety spiked. I began to shake. One thing I did different, is that I didn’t JADE. I also went to my toolbox. I did my breathing, told myself that this was anxiety and that it would pass shortly. It worked. My instincts tell me that she was simply trying to agitate me. Maybe a minor extinction burst over the change of our communication. I don’t know. Perhaps I need to be prepared for these things from now on. Considering all of the experiences I’ve witnessed on this forum, you’d think this would’ve sunk in by now.

However, I caved last night and broke LC as well. I emailed her with JADE over the situation. I’m keeping myself in this cycle. I’m not disappointed in her. I know how she is. I’m disappointed in myself because of what I’m trying to do for myself. Although I initially held my boundaries and implemented some tools that I’ve learned, I still engaged. I JADE’d and feel like an ass for doing so. I had the situation under control for myself, but let it go through JADE.

[JNChell]

Hello fellow peers. I was undecided if I should post this on the law board or here. Seeing as how what happened had more of an emotional effect on me, as opposed to being more of a technical factor, I chose detaching.

S3’s mom and I reached an agreement that we would only communicate through written correspondence that would be delivered through S3’s backpack or the postal system if needed. Old school snail mail communication. Our communication behaviors had broken down so bad, that it had simply become emotional and hostile between us. It was too much and it was unhealthy. It went both ways, so I’m not placing blame, just stating what was. Switching to this communication method had quick and positive results. My anxiety decreased in very noticeable ways. I was thinking of her less and not obsessively checking my phone. I was feeling better and processing the situation with a little more clarity. I was pleased with the the outcome. Therapy has been taking the needed shift towards my childhood, and off of my ex. Well, I got an email a couple days ago.

Ex and I have a non-court ordered agreement on child support. I send it on the “middle of the month”. There was never an agreed up date of the month that she should receive it. In the past, I have sent it a few days before the middle, as well as a few days after the middle. There was never any friction. This month it was going to be a few days after the middle.

As I said, our communication has been written. Ex did send a letter asking when she would receive the check. This was before the middle. I didn’t respond to that letter. I felt no need to. Quite honestly, it’s been nice to not receive, nor send communication with her. Anyway, she ended up sending a hostile email a couple days ago regarding the check. She said that she would be withholding S3 from me because I “ignored” her letter. She stated that I ignored her 3 times throughout the rather short email. She didn’t express any hardship, just angst over being ignored. She said that her mother sent me texts over the issue. I received nothing of the sort. She accused me of blocking her mother’s number. Her mom is an emergency contact that was set in place with this current communication method that we are using. Why would I block her?

I didn’t JADE. I sent her a logical response, as well as screenshots showing that her mom wasn’t blocked and the only correspondence that I’ve had with her mom was one message that I sent her informing her that S3 was ill with a fever and vomiting, and to be sure that those interested had remedies on hand when I dropped him off the following morning.

I’m posting about this because it had the same old effect on me. When I read her words saying that she would be withholding S3... .again, it triggered me. My anxiety spiked. I began to shake. One thing I did different, is that I didn’t JADE. I also went to my toolbox. I did my breathing, told myself that this was anxiety and that it would pass shortly. It worked. My instincts tell me that she was simply trying to agitate me. Maybe a minor extinction burst over the change of our communication. I don’t know. Perhaps I need to be prepared for these things from now on. Considering all of the experiences I’ve witnessed on this forum, you’d think this would’ve sunk in by now.

However, I caved last night and broke LC as well. I emailed her with JADE over the situation. I’m keeping myself in this cycle. I’m not disappointed in her. I know how she is. I’m disappointed in myself because of what I’m trying to do for myself. Although I initially held my boundaries and implemented some tools that I’ve learned, I still engaged. I JADE’d and feel like an ass for doing so. I had the situation under control for myself, but let it go through JADE.

[once removed]

I didn’t JADE. I sent her a logical response, as well as screenshots

this is JADEing. she threw out an accusation, you justified and explained your actions. not saying it was the wrong move. as co-parents, its a "need to know" sort of thing, the goal is really not to go round and round with each other about it. you didnt escalate the conflict, thats good.

it sounds like shes going to be pretty reactive and perceived "tit for tat" if shes expecting the check and it hasnt come. its unfortunate that what has worked for a while between the two of you has devolved to that, but it is what it is, and its best to be prepared.

i might ask her when a good day to send the check would be for her, and assuming it works for you, commit to it. neutralize that conflict.

what do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi JNChell,

She said that she would be withholding S3 from me because I “ignored” her letter

I find that what helps the anxiety is understanding the behaviour, essentially this is emotional blackmail, F in FOG.

She also said that she felt ignored, she's trying to hurt you because she felt hurt (perceived) I can see how it would be really distressing when she hits you where it hurts - S3. Also I think that she's baiting for a fight JADE'ing from your end will sooth her, you're not her soother.

That being said, this is a process, fine tuning this process takes time, don't be hard on yourself, just keep trying with not JADE'ing and detaching as well. Learning is derived from the mistakes that we make.

[JNChell]

Hi, once removed. Thank you for chiming in.

this is JADEing. she threw out an accusation, you justified and explained your actions. not saying it was the wrong move. as co-parents, its a "need to know" sort of thing, the goal is really not to go round and round with each other about it. you didnt e

I didn’t see it as JADEing in the moment, but I understand now that it was. I guess I still don’t know what I’m doing, or how to handle things with her. It’s still very emotional when it comes to her. I felt that I had to respond in some way to her again threatening to withhold our Son from me.

We don’t go-parent. We parallel parent. I’m fairly certain that this will always be the status quo. I don’t want to go round and round with her anymore. That’s why I implemented our communication method. I’m sick of dealing with her at this point. I’m sick of her constantly threatening to withhold our Son. Doing that to her has never even crossed my mind, not that it’s even possible.

i might ask her when a good day to send the check would be for her, and assuming it works for you, commit to it. neutralize that conflict.

I’ll give it a shot, but she’ll find something else... .

[JNChell]

Thanks, Mutt.

I find that what helps the anxiety is understanding the behaviour, essentially this is emotional blackmail, F in FOG.

She also said that she felt ignored, she's trying to hurt you because she felt hurt (perceived) I can see how it would be really distressing when she hits you where it hurts - S3. Also I think that she's baiting for a fight JADE'ing from your end will sooth her, you're not her soother.

That being said, this is a process, fine tuning this process takes time, don't be hard on yourself, just keep trying with not JADE'ing and detaching as well. Learning is derived from the mistakes that we make.

She is most certainly playing on my fears. She’s always focuses on that the most when it comes to FOG.

I’m learning a lot about these behaviors, but it still makes no sense to me why she feels the need to bait me into fights when we’re close to a year of being apart. Is the core shame really that embedded in these individuals? I am removed as much as I can possibly be from her, morally. I will never leave my child. I love him. But should I expect her to always act this way towards me? Will her other supplies ever be sufficient enough for her to ease up on me?

[Mutt]

but it still makes no sense to me why she feels the need to bait me into fights when we’re close to a year of being apart. Is the core shame really that embedded in these individuals?

I know how disheartening and depressing that would feel wondering when things will stabilize - it will with time. Stick with the program here don't JADE, don't take the bait, don't have personal discussions have them centered around S3. I know that it's currently tough right now.

I would also like to add to what you said about core shame you know that BPD is an attachment disorder and a pwBPD don't ever completely detach.