New Normal, our intro story--new problem, receiving her medical bills--What now?

[AliceSTL]

My husband's daughter, from his first marriage, was struggling to make healthy life choices while living with her mom.  At the age of 16, his daughter asked to come live with us to work on getting healthier (I am her stepmom).  We have been receiving a lot of counseling prior to his daughter coming to live with us as we suspected mom might be dealing with BPD.  Our counselor suggested  starting his daughter on DBT therapy where she also received one-on-one counseling along with family counseling as she was cutting at the time.  She did really well, worked hard, continued meds and counseling, graduated from high school, and was accepted into college.  While there she seemed to unravel.  She quit seeing a counselor, stopped meds and began to drink.  She went on academic probation, lost her financial aid and was unable to return the following year.  She move back here, began working toward a full-time job and half-heartedly looking for a counselor. She was fired from 2 jobs and was working with a temp agency to find a new placement.  6 months later, she found a boy friend (online) and it seemed that there was no talking any sense into her.  She wanted nothing more than to flee all her responsibilities/loans/etc. and move in with this guy.  She began exhibiting even more traits of BPD (stopping meds, impulsive spending, vilifying us, victimizing herself so others would help her, refusing to participate in day-to-day family responsibilities, etc).  Because she is 20, we felt like we could no longer help her and maintain a healthy relationship as we were constantly being taken advantage of then being "thrown under the bus."  It seemed to us that her only focus was getting herself kicked out of our house so she would have nowhere else to go but to her boyfriend's place.  After several more months of this tension, we realized we needed to ask her to find somewhere else to live because the stress/tension was affecting every aspect of our lives.  She's been out for about 3 week now.

Here is my question:  By husband received a medical bill for her and it shows that he is responsible to pay the bill.  What can we do to protect ourselves from drowning in her medical bills as she is 20 yrs old and no longer living with us (and is often demanding a trip to the doctor for one ailment or another)?  We believe this injury occurred while she was living with the boyfriend.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi AliceSTL 

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm so sorry what you are dealing with your step-daughter, after she was doing so well in treatment until college, you've since been placed in the position of asking her to leave your home and it's early days. You've since received a medical bill, have you and your husband any thoughts on what you want to do? Do you think your daughter's expecting you to pay for her medical, now she's left home? You say the injury happened while living at her boyfriends, is he financially supporting her?

WDx 

[Merlot]

Hi AliceSTL

I join wendydarling in welcoming you here.  

After several more months of this tension, we realized we needed to ask her to find somewhere else to live because the stress/tension was affecting every aspect of our lives.  She's been out for about 3 week now.

It seems all too common with BPD that our kids need rescuing. It really sounds like you've recognized entrenched patterns of behaviour; feeling like you are giving/helping while she is taking and self sabotaging.  It must be incredibly exhausting for you and I really do know how this feel; my DD27 and I were in a very unhealthy relationship where I rescued her all the time.  It became a very co-dependent relationship, and like you - very stressful and affecting our lives too. When I started pushing back, she lost control.  I have been cut off since January this year.  My DD27 also victimised herself and this can be extremely frustrating for others as this tactic allows them to avoid taking any responsibility.

Here is my question:  By husband received a medical bill for her and it shows that he is responsible to pay the bill.  What can we do to protect ourselves from drowning in her medical bills as she is 20 yrs old and no longer living with us (and is often demanding a trip to the doctor for one ailment or another)?  We believe this injury occurred while she was living with the boyfriend.

Is your husband able to speak to the medical provider and advise that your stepdaughter is no longer living with you and that all bills should be sent directly to her?

I also came here during crisis when I was cut off and I have received much support from parents here who really understand and will support you.  I stepped out of the drama to learn about BPD, and to consider how to make changes in myself as I cannot change her.  I've learnt not to take things personally but to navigate my way to a place of setting boundaries (even if we are NC) protecting myself from rage and abuse and stopping the urge to rescue.

You have been dealing with a lot and I hope that you and your husband stay strong together and carve out some much needed space to regroup and consider the way forward.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Merlot