Too many things wrong in my marriage

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here or on any emotional support forum, for that matter so please bear with me. I have been reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and decided it is time to join this community.

I have been married to “Sarah” for 17 years. The first 5-6 years were good, or so I thought, but after that I became very unhappy in the relationship. After 7 years I told Sarah that I was unhappy and wanted out of the relationship. Not long after, I came back; I love her and we have a good connection. But life has been hell since then. Not always, but often.

I am not convinced she has BPD, but a therapist that we saw as a couple and individually told me that he thought Sarah has borderline traits. I certainly feel like I am walking on eggshells. Sarah judges, complains, blames and berates me almost every day. This has crushed my self-worth (not that it was great to start with) and is what made me want to leave her.

In reading “Eggshells” I see some borderline traits in myself as well, although I do not “split” that I know of.

Also, I have come to realize in the past couple of years and accept that I am passive-aggressive. I am currently working on changing this behavior pattern.

It feels like our relationship is full of problems. The past 4 months have been very bad. Horrible fights. She gets suddenly violent. A lot of desperation for both of us. I have been becoming more and more depressed and have less and less energy and willingness to work on myself or the relationship. I think I have given too much of myself up to try to help her.

About a month ago, after weeks of horrible fighting, it felt like we hit bottom. After that, things started to improve, but yesterday it all went out the window. Sarah was trying to talk to me about my lack of motivation to exercise and eat better, and I was feeling sensitive about the subject. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but she accused me of setting her up with my passive-aggression so that she’d get mad and I could point out everything she was doing wrong. What I remember is getting more and more angry at her because she was getting angry at me. Crazy, isn’t it? So there’s often this who-started-it blame game that I find so frustrating.

Between her (maybe, probably) BPD and my passive-aggression and low self-esteem, and whatever else is going on, it feels impossible to unravel any of this nasty web. I can’t tell what is mine and what is hers. I am constantly fighting the urge to get away when things are bad.

We are both pretty isolated at this point. Neither of us have close friends anymore and our families are not supportive at all.

My hope is to find support and solace here. I apologize if any of this is unclear or inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.

[Forest4theTrees]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here or on any emotional support forum, for that matter so please bear with me. I have been reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and decided it is time to join this community.

I have been married to “Sarah” for 17 years. The first 5-6 years were good, or so I thought, but after that I became very unhappy in the relationship. After 7 years I told Sarah that I was unhappy and wanted out of the relationship. Not long after, I came back; I love her and we have a good connection. But life has been hell since then. Not always, but often.

I am not convinced she has BPD, but a therapist that we saw as a couple and individually told me that he thought Sarah has borderline traits. I certainly feel like I am walking on eggshells. Sarah judges, complains, blames and berates me almost every day. This has crushed my self-worth (not that it was great to start with) and is what made me want to leave her.

In reading “Eggshells” I see some borderline traits in myself as well, although I do not “split” that I know of.

Also, I have come to realize in the past couple of years and accept that I am passive-aggressive. I am currently working on changing this behavior pattern.

It feels like our relationship is full of problems. The past 4 months have been very bad. Horrible fights. She gets suddenly violent. A lot of desperation for both of us. I have been becoming more and more depressed and have less and less energy and willingness to work on myself or the relationship. I think I have given too much of myself up to try to help her.

About a month ago, after weeks of horrible fighting, it felt like we hit bottom. After that, things started to improve, but yesterday it all went out the window. Sarah was trying to talk to me about my lack of motivation to exercise and eat better, and I was feeling sensitive about the subject. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but she accused me of setting her up with my passive-aggression so that she’d get mad and I could point out everything she was doing wrong. What I remember is getting more and more angry at her because she was getting angry at me. Crazy, isn’t it? So there’s often this who-started-it blame game that I find so frustrating.

Between her (maybe, probably) BPD and my passive-aggression and low self-esteem, and whatever else is going on, it feels impossible to unravel any of this nasty web. I can’t tell what is mine and what is hers. I am constantly fighting the urge to get away when things are bad.

We are both pretty isolated at this point. Neither of us have close friends anymore and our families are not supportive at all.

My hope is to find support and solace here. I apologize if any of this is unclear or inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for reaching out to us. This is a place of solace, and we as a family will do our best to help your situation. 

First off, you mention low self esteem. A lot of us are victim to this, and being with someone who suffers from BPD can intensify our self esteem from value/devalue. What are some things you can do to boost your self esteem?

I know a lot of us confide in the gym for that, art, other hobbies. What do you do when you need to destress?

There are some tools, on top of this page if you can check out. they arent 100% gauranteed but a lot of us membes have used them in everyday life and can vouch it has made situations much better. Please check them out and get back with any questions!

[Enabler]

Hey Forest4theTrees,

Nice name, I like it. I'm glad you've been pointed to bpdfamily and it's great you've been doing some reading into the topic. Agree or disagree with the therapists conclusions I am sure that we can help in some way shape or form with your relationship, and you.

From the brief description you gave it's evident that there is a lot of conflict in your relationship. It's apparent to both you and your partner and by the fact that you are seeing a couples counselor you both want to work on way to reduce that conflict. The conflict has taken it's toll on you, and your willingness to participate in a collaborative solution (passive aggressive).

We all have different ways of dealing with anger, conflict, frustrations, feeling wronged and disappointments. Some people externalise stuff and are very confrontational (myself), and others like yourself internalise these emotions. The biggest problem with anger (of all it's variants) is that it always finds a way to leak out. Whatever the reasons for you manifesting your anger internally rather than openly airing it, you are essentially denying that you are angry... .to your partner, and maybe to yourself. Your anger seeps out in body language, your vocabulary, maybe your silence and typically your actions. Your partner knows that you have negative feelings but is frustrated that you will not air your grievances with her to "have it out". Have you always been passive aggressive (before meeting your W)?

Given that conflict is at the heart of the drama in your relationship it would be a great way to start by working on how you can reduce conflict, understand where conflict comes from and deal with processing the ways your partner hurts you maybe in a different way... .such that you don't have so many feelings of anger you have to attempt to internally squash. We often don't realise that we ourselves in our response to our significant others (SO) are fuel to their fire (rage). Reducing or limiting that fuel by it's very nature reduces the depth and length of the events.

Immerse yourself in the articles, learn and come back with as much info and questions as you can muster. I would encourage you to participate on other message board threads, there are many people with shared experiences, you will feel less alone and learn many ways of coping with your situation.

Enabler 

[Forest4theTrees]

Thank you for your replies. I wasn’t sure how much detail to put in a first post, but I will try to fill in the gaps as time permits.

To address your questions/comments:

I do have a few hobbies that I use to de-stress. Riding my dirt bike is the most therapeutic. I also dabble with amateur videography and making music. Working out helps too. The problem is that I have been steadily losing interest in these activities. When things are bad between us, I can barely eat, and when the problem times last for a week or more I feel very weak and I lose a lot of weight. When we make up I have to try to rebuild my body. I know it’s hard on my body and I need to take better care of myself. It feels like the depression is winning. I see that I need to boost my self-esteem.

I have always been passive-aggressive. I can now see how it is a “family legacy”.

We were seeing the therapist after our break up, but we stopped going. I don’t remember why we stopped; it was a long time ago. But anytime I have suggested it in the last year or two, she says she doesn’t want to go. That she’s been to lots of therapy and they don’t do anything we can’t do ourselves. I don’t agree with that.

Conflict is definitely a major problem for us. We don’t deal well with it. I used to not add any “fuel” to the fire, which is why the first years of our relationship were so peaceful, I think. But in the last couple years I have found myself becoming more and more angry and unleashing it on her. I never used to do this with anyone. I can’t seem to control myself now. Just yesterday I was (we both were) yelling horrible things at each other practically non-stop for 10 or 15 minutes.

I see that I need to gain control of myself and find a productive way to deal with my anger. I have been reading a book, 8 Keys to Eliminate P-A, and have started working through some of the exercises, but it seems like things are worse not better right now.

I am just having such a hard time wrapping my head around everything that has been happening. I have started looking around this site a bit and I think it will help. I will start looking at some of the tools and post again with questions I’m sure.

Thanks

[pearlsw]

Hi Forest4theTrees,

I hear ya! I hadn't expressed anger at anyone in years until I was with someone with BPD traits who refused to use any of the Fair Fighting Rules. I would try and try and then slip, then quickly apologize, but still, I didn't like how the relationship made me feel.

Let me drop a few links on you to help with communicating with her:

Validation

SET

3 Minute Lesson On Ending Conflict

It is absolutely key that you control yourself. I highly recommend a regular meditation practice to slow down your reaction times. I know I feel much, much better in life when I am in control of my emotions/reactions. It is not easy when a partner pushes constantly pushes you to the edge, but don't give up!

If you take a look please come back and let us know what you think please! It helps all of us to review this stuff!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Forest4theTrees]

Hi pearl, thank you for the links. I have started to read through them. I know that I do a lot of invalidating and I am going to work on stopping my invalidation and validating instead.

Last night my wife and I talked after she said that she was ready to talk a bit. I tried to focus on not adding fuel to the fire. I tried to check my statements and responses. I tried to NOT let myself take the easy way out and say the first thing that popped into my head. Things didn’t escalate, which was good. Nothing really got worked out or solved, but at least things didn’t get worse.

I tried to use SET a couple of times. I really only did SE because I wasn’t sure what Truth I needed to communicate. From reading some of the comments on the SET Lesson, it seems that that is often the tricky part for some people. For me, I feel like I need to hone in on the truths about our relationship. This has always been difficult for me.

What is the truth I can share with her that will help end this current fight/episode/situation? (I realize that it’s likely not for anyone but me to answer that question, but if anyone has some tips for identifying the truth for a given situation... .)

I feel like it started a few days ago when she was asking/prodding me about my lack of motivation. I’ve realized that there is a trigger for me when she starts poking around in my deepest parts like it’s no big deal. It really puts me on edge though. I feel as if she doesn’t really care about my feelings, she just wants to find the reason so it can be solved.

I started feeling pretty low and pretty bad about myself and became defensive and cold. Then I got angry.

It is absolutely key that you control yourself.

I absolutely agree. I had a taste of it last night. It’s just hard to keep it up.

She told me that she feels like I push her to get angry in these times (passive aggressive) so that I can point out what she’s doing wrong. She first told me this back in January.  I know there is truth in this; it’s hard to know how much or if it’s happening in a given situation.

When the fight started escalating, I felt the urge to get away from her. I started to move past her to go for a walk and she kicked me. I lost it. Total amygdaloid hijack.

It is absolutely key that you control yourself.

This quote keeps ringing in my mind.

I wasn’t physical with her but I threatened her with physical violence. I had no intention of carrying it out. I have only been physical with her once. I pushed her to the ground after she hit me in the face. I’ve threatened to be physical back a few times (“Oh, you want to get physical?”)(again, without intention of following through), and I’ve restrained her a few times trying to defend myself. Hard not to feel ashamed of these times.

Another question: my wife doesn’t accept taking a moment to cool down or go for a walk when things are escalating. I’m guessing it makes her feel her fear of abandonment. How do I let her know that I’m not abandoning her, I just need to cool off?


Kind of a long post, but one final thing for now. She says I don’t love her enough, and how could I love her like I say I do and then hurt her like this.
Sometimes it’s hard not believe her. I know I love her to my core, but when things are bad or I feel bad inside, I can’t get to my love. I feel like I need to get there to help us.
She says she needs to feel more remorse and care from me. When I feel closed of, I feel like I can’t give her more. And often when I am able to get there and offer care and remorse and love, I am met with... .disdain, I guess. Like she’s saying, “that was pathetic, why should I accept that?” I know she’s hurting under the anger; it’s just so difficult to get to her sometimes.

Thanks for reading.

[Forest4theTrees]

Is there a way to change the title of this thread? Every time I read it, I feel like it’s too negative and it bothers me. 

I should have looked at some of the other threads before writing my first post.

[Enabler]

Hey Forest,

I sometimes wonder if we are truly honest with our actual feelings. One of the things about BPD is that an individual has black and white thinking... .you either love me, or you hate me. There's little in the way of grey. So, if you love me as you say you do then you must do all the things that I define as loving irrespective of whether or not she is being abusive towards you. She doesn't believe that you love her because there are elements to your behavior which contradict this... .e.g. does a loving person offer to get physically violent with his wife, no. However, as a non disordered person we see love on a scale, we also can compartmentalize parts of the relationship that we like and parts that we don't but holistically we love the individual. e.g. a pwBPD may HATE a yellow Ferrari because it's yellow, however a non might say, love the car, hate the colour.

I wonder whether or not telling her about each of the compartments one by one and explaining to her that you Love certain parts of her and hate other parts, such as the kicking and screaming. However holistically you love your wife... .my guess is other wise people on the boards will say this is JADE and likely to just result in a rhetorical discussion as she won't be able to cognitise the dialect contradiction of loving and hating the same thing.

When she kicked you, did you show pain and hurt?