How to protect boundaries from more abuse Good Motherly advice please

[Star0009]

Hi~
So I made a longer post recently but I'm in healing process after learning I was the scapegoat child of 2 npd parents. My siblings shut me out, don't validate my feelings and make excuses for people that are cruel to me, talk over me, put me down at time compete and want to be my friend the next.

My living very NPD BPD mom and her mother and large extended family always snub me at large family parties, walk out of the room ignoring me and even bully me as I have been shy. As suggested on these boards and my own conclusions I have decided to separate from my family for awhile and work on my own life. This is hard because I have always wanted loving closeness with all of them and I have to accept that I won't get it.

Growing up my Mom taught me to always please the other person, that people didn't like me and any friendship I formed she destroyed and got envious of. I had no motherly guidance instead I had a mother who physically abused me as a child then would call the police on me and her large extended family would call me evil. My father also verbally abused me.

For years I was so shy I couldn't talk so grown adults would bully me in the workplace. I worked in an upscale bookstore and the women actually ganged up on me when I got shingles with the flu and were acting like I had herpes but the bullying had already started.

I worked as a teacher and the kids would say I looked like a man so much that I wouldn't leave my house. The teachers started in on it too. One time I was out at night and saw all the teachers across the street at a bar. I was not invited. In assembly the kids would have to pick a teacher's group to work with and they would all run from me until I was sitting in a corner alone trying not to cry. I did get some kids that liked me one on one but as a group they learned they could bully me.

My self esteem is not great but I'm not nearly as shy and keep much stronger boundaries. Most recently I don't know how but I ended up with a roommate who had all the traits of a narcissist. When she moved in with me for two years she didn't have a car so I would go place with her and lend her my car. She even went on road trips with me and acted like my friend even though she could be self absorbed I looked for her fun qualities. Even when I lent her my car she would refill it with the smallest gas possible but i just let it go. We spent much of our free time together until she started asking me for rides places, pumping me up to go somewhere when we would arrive she would end up meeting up with these much younger girls and take off with them somewhere else leaving me uninvited.

Needless to say once I moved out she unfriend me on social media now best friends with these girls and stayed friends with my family she barely knows. My family however of course won't listen to me and how she hurt me and stayed friends with her online. Then she put up signs with these young girls hazing me that I was still looking at her social media page. Very middle school and silly but it hurt.

Bottom line how do I protect myself from bullying? How do I form good friendships as I have hard enough time opening up? What do I do when someone rolls their eyes at me? Ignores me? Doesn't validate my abuse?  Says something mean? I need good motherly advice. What would a healthy mother tell their child to do? react?

[Turkish]

First: shame on all of those people.  Every.  Single.  One of them.  Parents, teachers, family, students.

I first remembered being bullied in 1st grade by my peers. It didn't stop until I was about a sophomore in high school,  and I still got randomly bullied by strangers,  including some kids on taco bell when I was around 19 or 20. They were 12, making fun of me.  My 2nd grade teacher also bullied me so much that my mother switched my school halfway through.  I have a genetic condition where I look a little different, a convenient target for fools. My experiences, of course,  affected me. 

I was very shy and kind of withdrawn.  People tend not to like that.  Another excuse to think I was weird. 

It took many years for me to assert my Voice and let a lot of it roll of my back.  Until my 30s, actually. 

What helped me was forcing myself to connect with others with whom I might find common ground.  I finally did at-risk youth mentoring for two years.  It felt weird at first that teens looked up to me,  but I realized that beyond their shallow defense mechanisms,  that they were far more lost than I was.  Being an introvert, it took me ten years to finally connect with a program after I had thought of doing so,  and I felt a lot of anxiety doing so.  How would I deal with people? It was the best thing is ever done up until that point in my life. 

Do you think that maybe you could look for volunteer opportunities to connect with those who might share your interests? It might be a good opportunity to grow and help you assert yourself.

I've purposely not said that you should do x to extract y behaviors from others.  I found it more helpful to take control of myself,  damn the naysayers and bullies,  and take charge of my own journey. What do you think?

[Star0009]

Thanks yeah I have also always been shy and withdrawn. I also have finally found how to speak up for myself now in my 30's. I am in a class now with much older women mostly but I'm accepted and even loved by some and it has built up my confidence. I think I agree about getting stronger myself and ignoring bad behavior in others so its good to know I'm on the right track with that as it worked for you. Its stranger how with BPD parents we end up with such similar issues. I'm sorry you have had to deal with this too but nice to know it can make us into strong, kind people.

[Harri]

I think Turkish gave an excellent recommendation to put yourself out there and try to make connections.  I am so sorry that you have been bullied so badly all of your life.  It does make it hard to build confidence to put yourself out there.  I struggle with getting out there too. 

Good luck and keep us posted with how things go with the ladies in your class!  They sound like they are a kind group of people.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Star0009,

I know it is hard, but thank you for sharing your hurts with us here.    It is so hard having a disordered parent who has set us up to struggle in life as you and so many of us here have. I hurt for you. We struggle greatly to find a place of belonging which we so desperately need. We are so vulnerable, and others seem to take advantage of that, preying upon us.

I'm very glad you have joined us. Please keep sharing and joining in on other threads.

 
Wools