Wife wanting to leave me yet again

[Mooch740]

Hello. My wife has BPD. She has left me a few times during our 30 year relationship. It’s hard on me (both of us) when she does. I can’t really take another separation. She is also going to go to our Sons house. We are the two most loved and worst treated by her. She will play havoc on his life and it will be hard on him and his spouse, it will also be hard on both of us. I try to talk to him but he has gotten so many claims of abuse he tends to shut me out. I made a video of a conversation between my wife and I, then I asked him to call her and mention the topic, she will undoubtably claim I yelled at her. This I thought would not only clear me up but also let him know what to expect when she shows up and maybe make the same claims against his spouse. She even to me in our videoed conversation that “my mean one was back” then telling me that I stomped out of the room when I was only walking out to get me something to eat. Is she trying to convince me that I stomp and yell and are mean when I never stomp or yell or are unkind to her or does she really she me doing all that stuff in her mind? It’s getting freaky but I’ve been there through it all. She also claims I have a girlfriend and when I mention divorce or no contact or that I will go on with my life too if she leaves she triggers. If I mention getting a girlfriend she gets sick and almost throws up. Should I back off the “other woman” talk or thinking I would do it would that make her not want to go? I know, a lot of questions and I have read 1,000’s of hours about BPD but I am at a loss. Everyone says for me not to take her abuse (on the sites) but even though I already know what I should do and that I might be an enabler I just don’t want her to leave.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Mooch740,

Sorry to hear you are struggling in your relationship. Separations can indeed be painful.

Have you had a chance to read up on the lessons to the right of the board here? 

It can help you get up to speed on some background information that can help you learn about new ways to approach things so you can have a chance at better outcomes.

Do you typically video your arguments? Is your wife aware of this? How is this affecting things?

It is not a good idea to mention you will look for another person unless you are prepared to end this relationship. If you say such things it really spells the end of things, so unless you want that I'd put that aside and focus on improving the situation at hand. We can all keep talking about that more as you stick around and discuss this with the community! It takes time to see improvement, but improvement may be possible.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Mooch740]

My wife has already damaged me to the extent that don’t care about the abuse anymore. And here is my main concern about her smear campaign on me, also to why I made the video, not of our argument but of a calm discussion on my part. I really need help on this one because she has already ruined my life but I don’t want her ruining our sons life. Please read on: My situation is kind of difficult. I am not around the people that she is smearing me to, she did display some ___ty actions in front of my daughter in law while I just calmly let her while we were on a visit, I think my daughter in law is on to her BS. I tried to talk to our son about this in trying to prove I am not abusing his mother, I made a video of a conversation between me and my wife, I asked my son to call her, she would of course bring up the subject of our recent conversation and say I was yelling, then when he viewed the video he would see different. I did this for two reasons, one was to clear myself, but more importantly to make him be aware of her when she does it to his spouse when his mom goes up there to stay with him during our future separation. Me and him seem to be her two targets in life, she has said that me and my son are her two most loved people in her life which is consistent with BPD. I am not trying to expose her of being bat___ crazy, just to clear me and warn him. He agreed to make that call but never did. He seems to shut down if I talk about her in any way now. We will text but as soon as I ask why he didn’t make that call he shut down and no more texts. It was the perfect plan and it would of worked with little effort on his part. He claims to listen to both sides always but his actions say different. If my daughter in law doesn’t fall into place she will be my wife’s next target and she will wreck havoc on his life, I know this by conversations between my wife and I about my daughter in law being on to her, and on other subjects. If this condition isn’t complicated enough I am really scratching my head over why my son didn’t make that call just to say to his mom “hi, how’s it going”. That was all he needed to say. He agreed but didn’t follow through. I have anxiety up the ass over this. I do not know what to do. She already destroyed my life and soon will destroy his.

[pearlsw]

Hi Mooch740,

I know it feels like your life is destroyed. I'm gonna be very direct with you here: It isn't. It feels that way. It does feel that way. I've felt that too at times. Deeply. But it is not destroyed. You are alive and there are all kinds of things that could happen to make it better than it is now. We're here with you and can help work on these issues.

This concept may help you reconsider the dynamic between you, your son, and your wife: Karpman Drama Triangle

Take a look and let us know what you think!

take care, pearl.

[bginagin]

I’m not sure a video will ever convince your wife that you were not shouting or stomping, etc because her version of events is likely a result of disordered pbd perception at work and after 30 years with my pbd husband, I’ve learned there are plenty of times where his recollection may be wrong, but he is never in doubt. (He also had a habit of separating and then engineering a scenario so co-dependent me could “rescue” him and prove how much I loved him). The documentation may help convince your son that his mother is untruthfully and flagrantly misrepresenting your actions, but it may also force him to choose between you two and cause a further rupture in the family.  I wondered how much he knows about BPD and if your best bet right now is to share information and support resources with him and his wife to help protect them from the emotional drama she may inflict in his home?  I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and urge you to remain supportive and communicative with your son whatever he may decide.