Flashbacks?

[isilme]

I seem to have hit another period in my life where disassociated memories are coming back with full feelings and it's overwhelming me a bit, as it's overlapping with things going on in my home life NOW.

Both my parents have BPD.  I am NC with both of them.  It's the only way I feel safe.  Sadly, my spouse seems to have BPD - it's to a lesser degree or feels less harming overall, but it still hurts enough I post regularly in the Relationships board. 

He seems to have mirrored something my parent both did to me and it's become very hard for me to let go of the feeling like I usually can.  This will take a bit to explain, sorry.

I know it sounds silly, but H works in leather and will stress year after year making things for other people, who don't usually appreciate it or even pay him.  It's mostly for renaissance festivals, so it's quasi fantasy-wear/pseudo-historical.  He loves/hates it - he wants credit, he wants to show what he can do, it IS a form of art, and I get that.  But he will forsake himself to make things for people who then let their dogs chew up an item that in a ren-store would cost $50-100 because it was free and they aren't mean people, but they don't value his work.  It hurts his feelings.  So I've been telling him for years, stop. making them. free. things.  He finally learned his lesson last year when he made an item, a leather corset, that would have cost $800 had the person bought it, in exchange for a few supplies.  He worked his butt off on this.  I helped make the pattern, along with H's best friend, and the H and the best friend did almost all the actual tooling and finishing and assembly.  The couple it was for, the Ws, took credit as if they'd made it, posting such stuff online, basking in ren-group glory.  H, having BPD and thinking in black and white, could not take my advice on how to politely correct it without being ugly - it was all or nothing and he chose nothing, it hurt him badly, he felt it would be mean to correct them, and so he wallowed in the hurt.  He finally agreed it was a mistake to make them things.   

In 20+ years, he has made me two items and showed me how to make one.  Based on how I grew up, I have a hard time asking for anything, a hard time accepting anything.  I am used to "if I want it, I need to be prepared to do it myself or not have it."  So, I stick making my own stuff year after year or buying items I lack the skill to make.  I do not ask him for full items.  I asked him to put a buckle on a strap once.  This is a far cry from a full multi-panel corset made to fit. 

I do all sewing for our trips to the Faire.  H can't be bothered to learn, and no matter what I am doing for myself, for others, I am to also sew his items.  I have never failed to get things done in time to get his stuff done too.  It's not that I mind sewing, it's the BPD disregard that I am there to just do it that hurts.  It's a toddler-like level of selfishness that just comes with BPD.

This year, early spring, he insisted he wanted to make two corsets, one for my friend (the wife of the guy who actually helped last year), and one for me.  I said, "I'm fine, I have copleted outfits I can wear, you focus on your stuff - you always say you never have time."  He insisted, so I tried to come up with a preliminary idea, not happy with my sketches.  He then got mad one day, and felt stressed from being ill, and started yelling at me for adding to his stress by "demanding' he make me a corset.  I failed and JADE-ed and pointed out I never asked for it, it was his idea, and he can simply not make me one.  I'd not bought anything yet, had made no real solid plans, because I know how he can be and that things for me rarely pan out.  He yelled he had to make items to prove he made the one last year, and so he could get the credit this time.  I said, "don't do it to one-up the Ws."  This apparently hurt him greatly (likely because it is true).  He was mad at me for days, kept coming back to it to start new fights.  This is during a period where he was passing a kidney stone and had other issues and stress, so I know it was a BPD-focus for all the bad feelings, but to him, I hurt his feelings and deserved to be hurt right back.

So, for months, he's insisted we work on these two corsets, our friends come together and get to work, and he says nothing about not doing one for me.  He offers no help to me in drawings or designs or opinions, and is ugly about it, insisting I just get it done.  I try, need help, learn that the way mine would be built can't be drawn on paper, since it needs to be stretched a certain way, and then it can be measured and drawn.  So I figure I'm just going to be last, buy boots and fabric and start planning the stuff I CN make and work to help our friend with her sewing.  I tried to make some wrist guards, but I am not knowledgeable enough so I measured wrong but about an inch.  H refused to help me when I asked if this looked right or if it needed adjusting, and instead just started cutting things out without measuring with me, and it was all the wrong size, so he got mad.  I pointed out I asked for help, he said that's not his job.    We get her skirt 1/3 done, her corset 75% done, and H tells me he's not doing mine, there is no time, I wasted his time with a bad design already, and that I should put my "money where my mouth is, since I insisted I can wear an old costume anyway, and he'd not want to look like he's competing with anyone, right?." 

I was shocked, hurt, could not react since the friends were over, so I said, "ok." and went back to helping the girl sew.  It hit me hard that night, making me need to cry.  Deep, wracking need to cry and sob, way out of proportion.  Yes, it hurt.  It hurts he will bend over backward for everyone but me.  His condition, BPD, means he is unreliable as far as helping me should I ever be sick, ill, or worse, need to get to a hospital - I was lucky this summer when our friends offered to drive me to my MRI for my migraines.  I was scared, worried about a tumor of course, or sedation, and H does not even know how to get to the imaging clinic - he has a terrible sense of direction and never plans ahead should he need to relieve me - he was shocked when I pointed out, yes, you can physically operate a car - but what if I can't navigate for you?  What if I have a panic attack in the MRI tube and they sedate me?  Or it triggers such a bad headache I can't keep my eyes open to tell you where to go?

Anyway - I had another day where I felt the need to cry and cry over this.  I guess overall the inequities.  And these two memories popped up, bringing me to the Parents board.  Two sets of repressed feelings tied to memories came back, both from age 7.

I was in trouble a lot at 7.  I think my parents had a lot of marital problems, they were always fighting and it was violent.  I think I was an easy target, for them to project on.

I was going to be a butterfly princess for Halloween.  This was the 1980s, so my mom was going to sew me a costume.  She had all the fabric, by her machine.  Somehow, I got grounded from Halloween.  I sat in my room, crying all night, watching other kids walk up to our door while my mom handed out candy.

Weeks later I was playing in the basement family room and came across my moms sewing stuff.  She’d never even made my costume, not even cut it out.  It was all in the grocery bag.  I now have to wonder if that was a factor.

A few months later, I remember being yelled for several evening, for hours each night.  I had trouble in school that year but really honestly cannot recall what I’d done all year to be yelled at so much.

Anyway, it was a short time before Christmas and the nights y’all at the kid episode is done, I am sent to bed.  They continue yelling at each other.  I am later dragged out of bed by dad, taken to the living room and shown all my toys that were to be coming from Santa Claus.  I was still little, had no siblings, still thought Santa was real,so this was confusing.  I was told I was a horrible child and waste of money and it was all going back to the store, go back to bed.

Come Christmas, they DID give me the toys, but I found them hard to enjoy as much after that.

So, this episode hurts I think because it feels similar to those exchanges.  There were more, these two were just back to back and so the memory stream must have "downloaded" them together.  I hate how events from like 33 years ago still hurt.

This week he admitted he is punishing me, and I know he is mad my losing weight is not easy, and he does not want to make something for me when he thinks I am too fat (he thinks HE is too fat, and so projects all of this onto me, as I am slowly losing weight with little to no help from him).

I am looking at a board post about dealing with flashbacks to try to process this.  I am usually in better control of myself and know better than to let myself be hurt by these childish games.  I usually have an "H follows thru" plan and the real plan for when he 60% flakes or gives up.  I guess I am also stressed that while I am not talking to her, I lifted the 100% block on my mother on social media, so she is simply "liking" things I post, but I don't post personal things.  It's not real interaction, she is several states away, and is in her 70s now and likely based on family history, in some stage of Alzheimer's, so I am hoping any harm she can do is minimal.  I guess it's just a reminder she is still out there and that is a bit triggering for me, too.  I feel so weak. 

[Learning2Thrive]

  isilme

First, nothing you said sounds silly. I’m in the midst of dealing with a crisis so can’t give a more detailed reply right now, but wanted you to know I am so glad you reached out and posted this on PSI. Much of your story resonates with me, including the flashbacks re violent childhood events being triggered by your H.

Are you familiar with Pete Walker’s website? I found a lot of relief working through this:
www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Keep posting. We are all working on these things and care very much for each other.

 

  L2T

[isilme]

Yes, I was looking at that list, it was shared with me on the Relationships page. 

I feel like such a damaged person, when I take time to remember where I come from.  Most days I find solace in just living in the NOW.  I can't change the past and can't control the future, I can just take care of what I can take care of today.  H is paralyzed by the future.  I don't have that luxury.

I don't want to spend my adulthood grieving my childhood.  There were okay parts.  My messed up parents tried as best as their disordered minds could - but ultimately they put me in situations I should never have seen, and not as a child.  I am sick this week, so I know that is making my emotions more heightened, and H is trying within his own ability to be nice since he sees me being quite sick.  He gets frustrated if I am sick too long, back to the BPD selfishness.  Funny thing is, the other couple we spend time with, they are a mirror of us - the W is a lot like my H and she says I am lot like her H.  Meaning, her H and I are calm, rational, and she and my H are explosive and emotional.  So, I know it aggravates H to see himself mirrored in her.  He will tell me how somethings he does is selfish, and then stops... .suddenly seeing that he does similar things.

I guess I just need to make time for more grief and get it out.  Seeing my friends all be decent parents also marks how bad my parents were.  I really was left alone, neglected, expected to be perfect with no guidance, no help.  And faced with yelling and frustration when I did muster up the courage to ask.  So yeah, that's how I feel with this for H, too.  It's sadly soured my feelings on the whole project now, and made me feel very little like working on anything at all.  meanwhile, he wants to make leather purses for birthdays for friends.  Nothing for me, I offended him, but everyone else, they deserve to get something.  Good ole Isilme, she's just there to do things for others, not to have things done for her.  Damn I sound so selfish.  I told him it was okay.  I just hurt that he waited till my hopes were up and I was excited to dash it.  If he'd agreed back in the spring, "you're right, it's probably too much" I'd not be this hurt.  And the weight loss jabs aren't helping. 

[Harri]

Hi Isilme.  It has been a while since you came to this board.  I am always glad to see you but sad for the events that brought you here.

I can see how the events and even your relationship can bring up memories of your abusive past.  I always see the surfacing or presence of memories, no matter how painful, as a good sign.  To me it means i am ready to take a closer look, to make connections between the past and our present and give us a change to heal and perhaps connect with the still wounded child within.  It is not living in the past.  It is healing in the present and represents hope for the future.  I am glad you came here to share and get this out.

 

Good ole Isilme, she's just there to do things for others, not to have things done for her.  Damn I sound so selfish.

That is not selfish.  In this case that sounds like someone who has been neglected, and is recognizing that her needs are not being met.  What an you do for yourself to meet those needs Isilme?

[Panda39]

Hi isilme,

The Flashback topic is a little bit out of my wheelhouse but I do remember a past thread on Managing Emotion Flashbacks that Woolspinner initiated awhile back, I thought I'd pull that and share it with you.  Hopefully something there will resonate or be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.msg12925581#msg12925581

This sounds like some rough stuff... .a past and present double whammy... .no wonder you wanted to sob.

Sending both 7 year old isilme and grown up isilme  lots of  

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi isilme, 

Glad to have you pop on in and share with us.   

Sounds like there is a lot of processing going on in your life right now as well as being in survival mode too. Those are tough days that can get you coming and going, and they often don't seem to end, do they? I'm sorry for how hard it has been.

As far as the memory and flashbacks go, definitely check out Pete Walker's site when you have time. There is much value in his words but especially there is validation.

In my own world, I have also been struggling in the past months with flashbacks that get confused with my emotions in the present, and it took some time to figure out which one needed help: my little Wools or my current Wools. The triggering in the present can often bring up memories from our past.

Do you have the strength to approach how you felt back when you were that little child? While the feelings can be scary or painful, approaching them and comforting your little one right where she needs comfort can be so healing. What do you think of this?

Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

I feel like such a damaged person, when I take time to remember where I come from.  Most days I find solace in just living in the NOW.  I can't change the past and can't control the future, I can just take care of what I can take care of today.  H is paralyzed by the future.  I don't have that luxury.

I don't want to spend my adulthood grieving my childhood.

 

I really identify with this.

First, it’s okay to feel damaged because you are. You have suffered abuse and that causes damage. There is no shame in acknowledging the truth. The damage is due to abuse that was inflicted on you.

Second, it’s difficult and painful to be the mentally healthier partner. We have to do so much emotional care taking and management for them it can be horribly triggering, overwhelming and exhausting for us.

Third and last (for now) but perhaps most important. It’s true we can not change the past. But I think we have to face it and eventually accept it to heal. I don’t think it’s necessary for us to spend our entire adulthood grieving our childhood, but I KNOW that if I avoid grieving (processing what happened and acknowledging the damage) I will be stuck forever in the triggering loops that life throws at me.

I really was left alone, neglected, expected to be perfect with no o have things done for her.  Damn I sound so selfish.  

No, you DO NOT sound selfish at all. You sound hurt—deeply wounded—and that is NORMAL given the situation you described.

You are worthy of love. Most of all, you are worthy of your own love. The compassion and tender care you so generously give to others... .you are worthy of pouring that out on yourself.

Sending you love and positive energy and understanding hugs, isilme. You are not alone.

  L2T

[Radcliff]

I felt such deep sadness for 7 year-old isilme.  I am so sorry for your Halloween and Christmas experiences.  It is such a tragedy for grown up problems to land on a little girl like that.  Thank you for posting this thread.  You coming here encourages others from the relationship boards to do the same, and I appreciate that you stimulated L2T to recommend the Pete Walker thread, which I'll have to check out for myself.

Have you heard of EMDR therapy?  It is used to "reprocess" old, traumatic memories so that we no longer feel so traumatized when we remember them.  It's as if the memories become black-and-white and farther away, and no longer overwhelm us with emotion.  As you've seen, when we carry unhealed trauma from the past, it makes us more vulnerable to being traumatized by today's experiences.  EMDR heals trauma from the earliest times and then moves forward in time to cover later traumas, like a wound healing from the bottom up.  If I remember, you live in a small town, and therapists are a difficult drive away, but if there's a way to open yourself up to the possibility, I'd encourage it.  Even if you could only get to the therapist every 2-3 weeks, just the sense that healing is possible, even if slow, could make a big difference.

WW

[isilme]

Hi - doing much better today.  I think I just had emotional cascade failure - a bad head cold, PMS, migraine, work/home/health stress, exhaustion, PLUS a spouse whose current behavior reminded me of how I felt when I was a child, not to the same magnitude, but the same flavor. 

Yes, I am in a small town, and my limited resources of money and time right now are tied up in endocrinologists and kidney specialists.  I am having to become an armchair dietician/nutritionist to wade through the kidney dietary requirements for my H to not make more stones, and to manage his glucose levels.  Basically, the quick and dirty safe diet for diabetics, low carb, high protein, is bad for your kidneys and will cause stones.  The safe and dirty diet for fixing kidney stones is high carb, high sugar.  Sigh.   

Also, I fear I do not feel good admitting to H I have health problems and certainly not a mental health concern.  He does not process it well.  He is doing better if I am having a sinus infection or cold, but the migraines he can't fathom.  It's a neurological condition that causes my head to register pain when none should be there.  It's mostly hereditary, and frankly, the stress from H is one of the main triggers, besides rain.  He just wants a pill to make it go away, he does not realize most treatments will put me down for the count, don't work for everyone, and I don't have the time or money to try each one.  I can't be unconscious and work, or drive him to an ER if he needs to see the only on-call urologist 1 hour away.  If we get his diet sorted, and stop his stones, I can worry about me.  The stress lowering alone should help.

I really think seeing the old memories and how they added to the hurt of the present helped.  H did not cause the original hurt.  He just found a scar and poked it.  I really do have a limit these days of what I can handle - I don't know if it's just too much too long, or part of aging.  I really don;t want to have these episodes where memory lane pops into my head, but for now at least I can process it here.

Thank you, all.  It helped so much, I can't say.

[JNChell]

Hi, isilme. I’m glad that you decided to post this. Along with everyone else that has posted here, thank you. I’d also like to echo Wentworth on the other members connecting with the PSI board. It’d be beneficial for all of us.

He seems to have mirrored something my parent both did to me and it's become very hard for me to let go of the feeling like I usually can.

It’s really something when this stuff hits us, isn’t it? One moment can take us back in time to an uncomfortable place. I relate and empathize. I’m sorry these feelings are hurtful and unwelcome for you.

Flashbacks are an anomaly that I’m currently getting a grasp on. I didn’t think that I was having them because they weren’t visual or audio. They have been through feelings. Stored and stuffed trauma. Unprocessed trauma. Before I began to educate myself, I only thought of flashbacks as visual occurrences. I had no idea that my reactions to certain situations were emotional flashbacks. My body was reacting in a learned way to a current trigger that was learned years ago. When I sit and think about this from a physiological point of view, it makes sense. I am an on/off again weight lifter and fitness person. Muscle has memory. After a prolonged period of stopping the workouts, then beginning again, muscles gain strength more quickly than they would if one was just beginning. I need to pick this up again and adopt it as a lifelong part of my routine. Unfortunately, I was raised to have a scattered thought process. 

I was in trouble a lot at 7.  I think my parents had a lot of marital problems, they were always fighting and it was violent.  I think I was an easy target, for them to project on.

I was in a lot of trouble during my childhood as well. isleme, I’m so sorry about this experience. Things were not allowed to unfold for you the way that they should have. It was due to self-centered parents. One of them thought that they were making a point to spite the other. Unfortunately, through their own weakness, that person drug you into a Karpman Drama Triangle to simply try to win an argument. You shouldn’t have had to spend these days that mean so much to children and the imagination of a child the way that you did. I imagine that these special days haven’t felt the same to you since.

I feel like such a damaged person, when I take time to remember where I come from.  Most days I find solace in just living in the NOW.  I can't change the past and can't control the future, I can just take care of what I can take care of today.

I have felt the same way. I still do at times, but I’m transitioning out of this frame of thought. I’m not damaged. I was abused by damaged people. So were you. You are strong and resilient because you are not nearly as damaged as the people that tried to damage you. You are here processing. You are a very smart woman and you are helping everyone here by being courageous in sharing. Living in the NOW is ideal. What we have to see as Radical Acceptance , the children that were raised in a loving environment see as normal. I’m happy for them, but I’m also happy that I have this knowledge. As dark as it can be, it can be processed and passed down as the need might arise. You’re not a damaged person. You were abused, and it was never your fault.

I don't want to spend my adulthood grieving my childhood.  There were okay parts.  My messed up parents tried as best as their disordered minds could - but ultimately they put me in situations I should never have seen, and not as a child.

Reference the above statement.

This post has become long enough. Thank you for sharing. I hope that you’ll be a regular visitor to PSI. There’s a very wise parrot that you need to meet.

[Fie]

Hello Isilme,


Thanks for posting on here. I am usually on the PSI board, but I have been following several of your  posts.

I am really sorry for the things you have lived as a kid. I am reading how you were treated and I wish this stuff had never happened to you. I am so sorry.  

I really do have a limit these days of what I can handle - I don't know if it's just too much too long, or part of aging.

Maybe it's just being human ? Maybe anyone in your circumstances would feel sad, hurt, tired, frustrated ?

From what I have read from your posts you are a caretaker, like so many of us. You sound like a very gentil altruistic person. You are saying you are already doing much better today. Please do not let this stop you to take care of *you*. You are the most important person in your life.

xxx

[Harri]

Thanks for checking in isilme.  You have a lot on your plate and things have certainly come to a head all at once for you. 

Being able to connect the present events and feelings to past events and feelings is excellent, though quite painful.  The next thing to do is to talk with a trusted individual who can validate and understand what you are going through.  You did that here isilme and if you can't do therapy, this is a pretty good place to get support.  I know you know that. 

I like what Fie said:

Maybe it's just being human ? Maybe anyone in your circumstances would feel sad, hurt, tired, frustrated ?

Yes.  I told my T that I used to be able to handle *and* function so much better not that long ago.  She pointed out to me that time, fatigue does not help but that also over time, my depression worsened.  It has definitely taken a lot out of me.  It is not like we struggle with just one thing either.  Physical illness can play a huge part in emotional function. 

What would happen if you did not spend so much time trying to make sure your husband got recognition for his efforts?  Would he respond any differently?  I ask only because it sounds exhausting to try to manage all that for him. 

Keep talking with us isilme.  it is easier to process things when we are a bit calmer and more centered.

 

[isilme]

What would happen if you did not spend so much time trying to make sure your husband got recognition for his efforts?  Would he respond any differently?  I ask only because it sounds exhausting to try to manage all that for him.

I see it mostly as trying to give him a few things I can point to as positives - he cannot see them on his own.  It's like how I feel most days about doing pretty much all housework and yard work, maintenance, etc.  There are things I can't let fail (bills, groceries, medications), or that bother me so much I don't want to let them fail (dishes, laundry, etc).  He finds so little joy in life, that I feel I don't want him suing the small reservoirs of energy doing stuff he hates.  I want/need him to shake out of HIS depression, which means engaging in tasks he enjoys, gets something positive from.  I want him tired from enjoying something, not from hating something.  His mood being elevated makes my codependent nature happier, I know, but also, it just makes it easier to have someone less grumpy around.  He's less likely to strike out verbally, or pick today to yell at me about something silly, like "always moving his stuff".  (It was in the middle of the floor, had to move it). 

Maybe it IS just being human.  I just can't deal with emotions I can't experience and move past in 10 minutes or less I guess.  I got through high school pretending (yes, this is crazy) to be an android like Data on Star Trek.  After 9 schools, being the new kid, being teased for whatever made me weird, and BPD parents make you weird, I learned two things - if you mock yourself first, the bullies have less ammo.  And if you never cry in front of them, they get bored.  And, Mom was invalidated when I cried if she was being mean, so she'd slap me.  And dad warned me not to react when he was being mean, or I'd get worse later.  Living with two BPD parents, you learn to be a robot, a Vulcan because keeping your best poker face, only expressing the appropriate, approved emotion of the minute can keep you from hours of being yelled at or worse.

I second guess my emotions, and being allowed to have them.   
   

[Harri]

Thanks for answering my question Isilme.  It makes sense that you would want to keep him feeling good as one, you care about him and two, it makes life easier and more pleasant for you.  My concern is that I do not see a whole lot of room for you in this picture.  Self care is so important.  I know everyone says that but it is true. 


I don't think this is crazy: I got through high school pretending (yes, this is crazy) to be an android like Data on Star Trek.  I know enough about your history that it makes perfect sense to me that you did that.  Between the parental abuse and the bullying, it makes sense that you would develop a coping mechanism that helped you contain the emotions. 

When you show your emotions to your husband I imagine his reaction is similar to your parents.  Not the same but similar in that he can not handle it, feels threatened and it makes things worse for you in the long run.  Is that correct? 

Do you want to work on feeling more of your emotions and getting comfortable with not just having them but knowing it is normal and healthy for you to have and express them?  Maybe not to your husband, but certainly here (where you do share and I recognize the courage it takes to do so) but maybe sitting quietly with yourself and working on getting comfortable with them so they don't build and then bust out of you or result in endless efforts to help your husband be emotionally regulated?

I am just asking what pops in my head Isilme so please know I am okay with being told I am wrong or off the mark (stranger things have happened!   )    lets talk this through. 

[isilme]

I know I suck at self-care.  I try.  But I believe I have mild compulsions I need to feed in order to relax, and have noticed I'd rather be tired in a clean house than try to rest in a messy one.  I just can't really rest with things needing to be done, unless I AM running a 101+ fever and simply can't move, or have a migraine bad enough I need to lie down.  Otherwise, messy clothes, trash overflowing in the kitchen, a smelly sink full of dishes, knee-high grass outside, these things upset my calm and add to the already hard time I have staying asleep.

I believe my brain is wired to be hyper-vigilant, even at night.  Especially at night.  the pwBPD I know/have known, seem to dysregulate often at bedtime or into the night.  H gets afraid of time passing and has some weird notion it only really passes if he is asleep.  So he fights going to sleep like a toddler.

I don't know about my parents.  Mom often slept all day on her pills and took more at night, but I am sure she did not sleep well after being in bed all day, meanwhile, dad worked, and likely wanted/needed her to be quiet and still.  One of two things occurred often - maybe a few times a month at least.  1 - mom would insist she needed to go to the ER for her migraines.  She did not like the closest military hospital, so we'd drive 45 minutes away so she could argue for hours to be given a demerol shot.  2 - For one reason or another, they would escalate into a huge, loud fight, and sometimes Dad would walk away to try to cool down and Mom would follow him egging him on to keep the fight going.  He was the higher functioning of the two.  Anyway, since I grew up thinking they were my responsibility to manage, that fixing their emotions was my job, I'd wake up, and also follow them room to room, to try to shame them into stopping, and as I got older, trying to play mediator, and even older/bigger, interveneing to prevent violence, like stopping him from strangling her. 

Also, I spent many nights as a child just awake.  All night.  I can remember back to being quite young, unable to sleep or to stay asleep.  I just accepted it as normal.    Sometimes it was from being afraid, but knowing I was not allowed to go wake anyone to tell them I was scared.  Other times I just simply could not sleep.

So I just don't sleep well, until maybe the time from 6am-noon.  My body finally relaxes then and lets me sleep.  Or from about 2pm-5pm - I can get to deep sleep then, usually.  So Saturdays, and sometimes Sundays are the only times I usually reach REM sleep and dream because every other day has me waking for work right at the time my personal circadian rhythm wants me to get some rest.  I do all manner of things you're supposed to do to combat insomnia.  I try to not nap, to stay awake until bedtime.  The bedroom is for sleeping.  No TV finally in there (that took a few years of work).  I have a sleep hygiene schedule, I shower, cool off, take supplements to help me sleep, or drink tea, and try my best.  I hide my clock.  I try to not use a backlit device.  I avoid afternoon and evening caffeine.  If possible, I exercise to wear myself out.  I've gone from about 30-40% sleep efficiency to maybe 50% on a  good night.

More self-care attempts - I tried hiring a lawn service - the first guy did great.  The second guy tried to get me on a once a week contract and mowed with the blades so high I had to go redo it with 3 days.  But I can't afford 100+ a month on it.  And when I am feeling okay, it's good exercise for me, an excuse to get out of the house and listen to music as I exercise and get some sun. 

I don't know how moms do it.  I work with working moms, many who have husbands who disdain housework and childcare (parts of deep south Texas culture are pretty macho).  They don't seem as tired or as run down as I feel.  Many DO have their own moms and extended family to step in and help, and to share daycare pickups and soccer practice, meanwhile I am pretty much on my own with my husband's health plus work, etc. 

I am slowly having to accept that my sleep maintenance insomnia, allergies and chronic sinusitis, and migraines, add up to a chronic illness.  I read the Spoon Theory and felt guilty for identifying with the girl with lupus in the story.  I "just" have headaches.  And don't really sleep.  I am sitting here now, at work, after struggling to simply get out of bed and put on clothes this morning.  It was very hard to get here, had to use one precious dose of my headache meds and it still hurts. 

I can show my emotions to my H on many/most topics... .just not ones where he is the main issue, since that is/can be invalidating.  Being mostly reserved is just who I am.  Self-control is just part of me.  That is why it is distressing when I find I am unable to exert the normal level of control, when I feel overwhelmed, and when I usually find it's because I am sick with a fever.   

When I am particularly upset I DO let things out, but only if it's "safe".  Meaning I am alone and know I will be alone in the house for a few hours, or driving alone in the car on a back road, where I can yell if I need to and other drivers won't be scared of me.  It's how I coped as a kid, for really bad days it CAN help.  It did not help this last time.  I have a few very close friends I tell sanitized versions of things to.  I don't mention BPD, I just say he's stressed and being difficult, so I am stressed, too. 

I kinda don't see a point in sitting quietly and 'getting comfortable' with ugly feelings.  Why?  How does that help me move forward?  Keep up with life?  It feels like ruminating, and that just leads to resentment, which is a killer of all affection.  I have them, I can usually work through them quickly and set things aside.  If he hurts my feelings by being ugly, I can look at his day, and see, "he is just mad about XYZ, it's not about me, move along here, it's not worth ."  It's only when I am ill that this is particularly hard.  I find it better to rationalize myself out of having them in the first place, when possible.  BPD brings enough pain.  I dont; need to pile more on top. 

[Harri]

I hear you on the self care part.  I'm trying too but some old patterns are sneaky and I can be defiant.  I think the fact that you are trying is good and it sounds like most of the time you are successful for the most part.  Sleep is hard.  I struggle with staying on a sleep schedule too.  I just learned that most people who don't work (like me) will struggle and have weird hours if they don't try to have a set schedule.  Who knew?  I can and often do stay up until 4 or 5 am with no problem.  Unlike you, I no longer have to then go to work but I remember when I did and it was not easy.

It makes sense that you will have triggers around night time if that is when your parents acted out the most.  it hurts to imagine you so young following them room from room trying to fix things.  I can remember similar stuff and I know it still affects me.  Like you, I figure some of this is just me being me. 

Can we talk a bit more about this please?: 

I kinda don't see a point in sitting quietly and 'getting comfortable' with ugly feelings.  Why?  How does that help me move forward?  Keep up with life?  It feels like ruminating, and that just leads to resentment, which is a killer of all affection.  I have them, I can usually work through them quickly and set things aside.  If he hurts my feelings by being ugly, I can look at his day, and see, "he is just mad about XYZ, it's not about me, move along here, it's not worth ."  It's only when I am ill that this is particularly hard.  I find it better to rationalize myself out of having them in the first place, when possible.  BPD brings enough pain.  I dont; need to pile more on top.

I think there is a difference between accepting and acknowledging your feelings and getting comfortable with them as you describe it.  Accepting that you are, lets go with angry, and recognizing that it is a valid feeling and acknowledging that is not the same as ruminating or wallowing.  I am not one to sit around and say oh, I am angry and I have this reason and that reason and my life was ___.  I just don't work that way and I don't think you do either.  But that is not what sitting with your feelings means, at least not how we talk about it here.  He we accept the feeling "I feel angry", we sit with it without judging and then release it.  That is what we mean when we talk about getting comfortable with your feelings.  Doing what I described and *letting go* prevents the build up that you recently experienced.

I do understand that this last problem was an off thing for you because so many factors were playing against you.  I just wanted to correct what I see as a common misunderstanding when we talk about sitting with our feelings.

Isilme, it has been good talking with you and I am glad you came here to open up with us. 

[isilme]

Harri,

Ok, I think I get you more now.  Yes, I know I am justified in my feelings.  Sometimes I have to verbalize that to accept it, but I do.  I just don't like feeling like my feelings have hijacked me - I iamgine that is how my H feels all the time, out of control, unable to reel things in. 

I am used to allowing myself some quiet, alone times, to get things out, to vent, to experience my own rage in ways I find acceptable.  And then I need it done.  It's like having the flu - you give you self a week to get better, and if you're still sick, still have no energy, it's very vexing for this thing out of your control to be stopping you from tasks, from functioning. 

[Harri]

   I think I get you more now too so thanks for talking with me!  It is always better to see someone more clearly.

I laughed when you talked about having a time limit for being sick.  Not laugh at you but because I can relate.  Several years ago a friend was working with me on pain management and tried a guided meditation with me.  Pffft... .my biggest problem with more traditional forms of meditation is that I try to speed my way through it.    He told me speed mediation has little value and refused to try any more!  We found that walking meditation worked much better for me as does mindfulness when applied to simple tasks.  Focusing on what is right at that moment in time and not requiring total stillness or assuming the lotus position ;) 

I am used to allowing myself some quiet, alone times, to get things out, to vent, to experience my own rage in ways I find acceptable.  And then I need it done.  It's like having the flu - you give you self a week to get better, and if you're still sick, still have no energy, it's very vexing for this thing out of your control to be stopping you from tasks, from functioning.

  I can relate to this too.  Times up already!  For me it is very much related to a need to feel in control and that I can handle anything.  Emotions are messy and inconvenient.  Working on mindfulness has really helped me with being patient with myself and with accepting that I have emotions.

I am used to allowing myself some quiet, alone times, to get things out, to vent, to experience my own rage in ways I find acceptable.

What ways are acceptable to you?

[isilme]

What ways are acceptable to you?

Ways that don't distress others. 

I don't want H to know I am upset much of the time, because he is not always in a place where he can process that.  He can't separate my emotions from his and so he gets agitated too, wants to know what he should do, and then his emotions are a mess and mine get forgotten.  I will tell him, and then maybe be able to cry for a short period if needed, but then I need to get it together and stop.

Friends, I feel like a whiner trying to talk to them.  I am trying.  Really trying.  But I guess I've been burned before, and don't really trust people outside my own head to keep things confidential.  It's backfired on me many times in the past and I just can't help feeling scared to open up much.  I give people what I think they can process - I tell sanitized issues with H to them (we had a silly fight over something dumb, no details).  I tell them quirky, emotion-devoid stories of why I can't talk to either parent or have any close associations with relatives.  People don't want to offer therapy, they want to help, but not be overwhelmed.  And I can see when I "overshare" about how I was treated as a kid, or weird things I thought were normal growing up, I can see by their reactions they are lost, don't know what to say, so I stop.

Coming here, since I have no safety in journaling, is how I often cope.  Writing helps.  Crying in the shower if I can without H hearing.  Yelling while driving alone in the car on a country road where no other drivers can see me. 

We just lost a friend to a car accident yesterday.  I am partly on here because I can't focus on job tasks.  He was nice to me.  I don't really expect that from people, especially not a big, burly, ex-sailor biker.  But he was always kind to me, and tried to be what he could muster as a gentleman for me.  I guess I feel like I lost a cousin or someone I'd see often for a while, then have a break, then see again pretty often.  We've known him for about 15 years I think.  I feel closer to my friends than people with whom I share DNA.  That triggers a lot of guilt in me.  I just realized this morning, I have never been to a funeral for my own family.  Most happened when I was a child living in the wrong state, or my dad "forgot" to tell me people died in mom's family until a year later.  Or, they died and were part of his family, but I was scared to risk seeing him so I sent flowers and did not go. 

H's grandfather was my first funeral.  Then some of his HS friends, brother in law's grandmother who was nice to me even though I felt like a family interloper at the time, and H's grandmother who was kinder to me and more accepting than my dad's mother ever even tried to be, and a close friend's kind and wonderful mother.  I was feeling better physically yesterday, but today my heart kind hurts.  I am trying to allow myself to feel bad, but feel stupid for feeling this way.  Dear God, how am I going to be when it's H's mom or dad?  Or H?  And WTH am I supposed to do when it's my parents?  Mom's like 3-4 states away.  Dad can keep his fake requests for forgiveness as if he can trick God into believing he is clean and clear if he apologizes at 0 hour. 

[Harri]

hi isilme.  First, let me say how sorry I am that your friend has passed. It sounds like he was a source of comfort and acceptance for you.  It is tough to lose that especially when it is so scarce in your life.  It is good that you reached out here.  We too accept you and can comfort you.

I can relate to having to hold your feelings in.  It was different for me as it involved my parents but I lived with them until my mid to late 30's... .  It was not worth it for me.  The problem was that I would try to schedule times for me to feel or let it all out.  Sometimes, not often, I would take a long weekend and check into a hotel with the intention of letting go of all the tears and anger.  It never seemed to work.  I had a nice time away, but I never got rid of my tears or my pain, at least not then.  So yeah, in many ways I understand.   

I would say for now, do not worry about your parents dying.  When the times comes you will know what to do, or at least that was my experience.  It is hard and scary to lose the people we love or who have had an influence and presence in our lives.  Grief is, unfortunately, unavoidable.

Trying to control your emotions to protect (maybe control?) others is not healthy.  You matter in this world and in your relationship with your husband so I hope you can find more ways to take care of you.  And keep coming here. 

[isilme]

Trying to control your emotions to protect (maybe control?) others is not healthy.

I know, but it seems better than causing a bigger emotional fall out from him freaking out about me being sad and feeling helpless to do anything about it.  When you have a BPD partner, and are the more emotionally in control person, it's just part of the deal.  He comforts me as he can, with the amount of comfort he can offer.  And while it may look to others like it's not much, I know it's 100% of what he can give.  I just have a bigger pool to draw from most of the time. I try to accept what is there, and not pine too much for more. 

Writing seems to really be my best outlet.  Had my dad not photocopied my journal and mailed out the copies, I might be fine writing longhand in a book.  Since he did that, I've tried and can't do it.  I rip everything up and throw it all away. 

My parents are in their 70s.  72 and 74 years old, so it IS a concern to me.  I just wish things like this weren't so hard.  H's parents are in poor health, very poor health.  While technically younger than my parents, about 68 years old, the both of them, physically they are as mobile and have the organ function of someone in their late 80s.  His dad's heart is failing, he can't move more than 5 feet at a time, can't breathe, is on oxygen.  It won't be terribly long, and it's horrible to have to think of.  I would never question going to their funerals.  Of course we are going.  we're the "kids" who try to visit them as it is. 

My parents, I feel they died long ago in some respects, when I was very small and they still took some sort of care of me, before they saw me, or at least treated me, as some sort of pet, something to take out and play with when it suited their needs, something to halfway remember to feed and keep clothed.  I remember feeling that they loved me when I was cute and small.  I guess they were disappointed to see their own disappointing genetics stamped on my face, in my body shape, reminding them of their hated painful adolescences.  Or maybe at that same time, their BPD and marital issues were just coming to a head, and I was lucky they neglected me at ages where I could forage for myself.  Anyway.  Most of the time I live as if I am an orphan.  But these two albatrosses are still there, technically, even though the people who took care of little Isilme as they could, even if it wasn't very well done, are long gone, and these sad, angry, other people are there. 

[Harri]

I know, but it seems better than causing a bigger emotional fall out from him freaking out about me being sad and feeling helpless to do anything about it.  When you have a BPD partner, and are the more emotionally in control person, it's just part of the deal.  He comforts me as he can, with the amount of comfort he can offer.  And while it may look to others like it's not much, I know it's 100% of what he can give.  I just have a bigger pool to draw from most of the time. I try to accept what is there, and not pine too much for more.

I am not in a romantic relationship with a pwBPD so I forget that part sometimes so thank you for being patient and for the reminder.  It sounds like you have done a lot of work on acceptance around this issue, plus you have a big and giving heart.  Reaching out here is a great way of giving care to yourself.  We can offer you acceptance and a safe place to talk.  We listen too and we care.

Not having friends in the real world that you can share with is okay.  I don't think too many of us do have that.  That is why building support here is so important and you are doing that by sharing your own experiences and by helping others.

You do write well Isilme.  Writing is a great release and I think it is good that you found an a way that is safe for you.

before they saw me, or at least treated me, as some sort of pet,

This makes me so sad.  They missed out on seeing a sweet, big hearted precious little girl because of their own disorder.  You deserved parents who could see you and all the value within you.