Trying to understand why my wife has filed the application for Decree Nisi

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

3/10 when I found out
4/10 walking back from the station
5/10 sewing my kids
7/10 seeing Mrs Enabler all bent out of shape and me being able to have formulated a plan of action on said walk home
8/10 after having a cuddle with D8 watching a film followed by teaching chat with her about why her big sister is mean to her

[Enabler]

3/10 when I found out
4/10 walking back from the station
5/10 sewing my kids
7/10 seeing Mrs Enabler all bent out of shape and me being able to have formulated a plan of action on said walk home
8/10 after having a cuddle with D8 watching a film followed by teaching chat with her about why her big sister is mean to her

[Red5]

Damn... .hang in there Enabler.

Keep posting and tell how you are doing and feeling, we are all here for you and we are listening.

You are NOT alone,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Enabler]

Back to tipity top this fine morning. Okay 10/10 would be pushing it but all things considered on the freakometer I’m as together as I could be. I remember talking to my T 6m+ ago about emotions being like a rubber band flexing in and out or more likely out and in. When I first met him I was floppy and elastic, each ping of my rubber band strengthens me, I pull back to base quicker knowing I’m safer and make better rational choices there. I guess this is also a function of having a long time to have played out the scenarios in my head, I know which ones I want to avoid and as shown by this thread, with the help of FF I think I made the right choice to “jog on” and ignore.

Thanks all for your support through my wobble. Xx

[Enabler]

One thing that is bugging me, anyone have any suggestions why she might not have told me she'd done it? Is it a shame thing or just conflict avoidance on her part.

[formflier]

So... we'll never know.

The vibe I get about your pwBPD is that she likes to live in a fantasy land and not deal with "reality" of life.

So... if she does papers and lets other people deliver and inform you... she avoids an uncomfortable conversation.

Not so much that it would be conflict... as it might "pierce" the idea of "how you are" or "what you think" about what she has done.

Sorry man... hang in there.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

Sorry to hear that, Enabler.  It sounds like a crazy, and overly obscure, path your W has chosen.  I'd be maddened by the process going like you describe. 
I guess protecting yourself is going to become paramount.  I am with you in knowing that this isn't just a divorce, this is the groundwork for custody, and an ongoing "relationship" with the mother of your children for the rest of your life - so it's paramount to think ahead. 
Good luck.  Find joy and peace with your kids while you can.

[Enabler]

The vibe I get about your pwBPD is that she likes to live in a fantasy land and not deal with "reality" of life.

So... if she does papers and lets other people deliver and inform you... she avoids an uncomfortable conversation.

Not so much that it would be conflict... as it might "pierce" the idea of "how you are" or "what you think" about what she has done.

This has been the vibe that my T has been telling me about for some time. She has 2 worlds, fantasy and reality, in the one land she does xyz like filing for divorce and that's there... .and done, and in the other land she lives with me and although we're not intimate, we co-exist with complications but little conflict (because I don't entertain it anymore). When the 2 worlds collide fantasy and reality meet and there is pain. The unfortunate truth is that fantasy and reality have to collide and stay collided forever if this is what she actually wants.

Not to paint rainbows to pots of gold (and not so sure it is gold anyway) but I wonder if there is 49% of her that doesn't want this divorce (hence delays) and therefore she is in no hurry for fantasy and reality to collide. It's a very very confusing picture, on the one hand the 'Caged Bird' screeches to be free and sings to all whom listen, and all whom listen tell her to get a divorce, and the other one who likes the safety of the 'cage', doesn't so much hate me and wants to stay... .of maybe she just likes the cage and doesn't love me, and isn't that confident about the new cage she's jumping to. Probably the latter point.

[Red5]

One thing that is bugging me, anyone have any suggestions why she might not have told me she'd done it? Is it a shame thing or just conflict avoidance on her part.

I think "avoidance" and shame on her part... .I think deep inside, she is absolutely ashamed of what she is doing... .

I was extremely sad and distraught during the process of divorcing my first wife, .but it was unavoidable, every single stone had been turned over, every effort made... .I had the "Lot's wife moment"... .I had no choice, .I had to do it to protect the rest of the family, my three children... .she not only left me, she abandoned our children too... .and my wife of twenty two years turned into a pillar of salt right before my eyes, ."I looked"... .she actually encouraged me to let her go, .long story Enabler.

Who can really say (think) what goes on in ones mind as they seem to purposely go about the business of dismantling a marriage, ie' purposeful destruction... .and for what?

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this now too... .please keep posting, and tell us what you are thinking, and how you are doing, we're right here !

Be a stalwart Father to your children, and be indomitable to yourself... .you will come out of this ok, I mean that Enabler !

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

This has been the vibe that my T has been telling me about for some time. She has 2 worlds, fantasy and reality, in the one land she does xyz like filing for divorce and that's there... .and done, and in the other land she lives with me and although we're not intimate, we co-exist with complications but little conflict (because I don't entertain it anymore).

It's hard to discern motive, particularly from an individual with disorganized thought patterns. And really, what would it tell you anyway, understanding why she filed? When one minute she thinks that you're a good resource to lean on and then the next minute she recounts all your alleged sins over the course of the relationship--it's a topsy turvy world going on in her head and who knows what the next moment brings?

It could be that OM was encouraging her to do something and she finally got around to doing it. As you've mentioned, once she's set things in motion, her life will change and she won't have the benefit of your stability and she will be choosing to wrap her life around him. Who knows what that will yield for either of them?

[Enabler]

SUFFERING

[Cat Familiar]

Are you hoping to protect her from the consequences of her choice?

[Enabler]

I love my wife so yea I would, but I know I can’t. I also know there is limited scope to protect my kids from what I perceive to be the outcome of this. I can offer them tools and be there for them, but there’s certain things little minds don’t need to be exposed to.

I worry given what I have read of the her OMs thoughts what he is capable of contorting reality so much. But again, I can not control this so I have to influence the things I can, leave the door open such they can speak with their feet when they are of an age to do so, and help them make sense of their world best they can.

[Cat Familiar]

On the one hand, you've got the a deux situation with your wife and OM. (It's supposed to be "folly"-- but spelled correctly in French and it turns into an icon. What's up with that?) On the other, you have your relationship with your kids.

You can't intervene in the one, but you can make a big impact in the other. So that's where you need to place your focus. You're already doing that but it seems like you're spending some unnecessary energy trying to figure out your wife. She's going to do what she's going to do and your input is not wanted.

It sucks, but that's the hand you've been dealt.  

Cat

[Notwendy]

I am sorry this is happening for you Enabler,  but I agree with the others that trying to figure out what someone else is thinking or reasoning may not be possible, or a worthwhile use of your time. My best guess is to agree with the fantasy/reality situation. You know reality but she may not have any clue what it is like to not have the security of the situation you have provided for her, so she doesn't know reality. Yet, she is a legal adult and can make her own choices.

[Enabler]

Thanks Cat and Notwendy.

One thing I was pondering today

Reality or perception of reality is like looking through a wonky lens, no one has a clean lens... .It's a case of looking through that lens from multiple different directions to ensure you aren't skewing it by your own emotions (clouding one's judgement). I am negative about her, I have started to expect her to do hurtful things and judge her motivations for her actions based on historical experience... .historical experience that may not be at all relevant... .What if I flipped that to be positive about her, how would the same data look?

If I took a view that she was acting positively... .my starting assumption has ripple effects. Yes, she has been deceitful, yes, they were/are having an affair and yes I believe that has gotten physical. However, I cannot assume just because I know this much, that all future events are based off those assumptions. What if I'm wrong? One has to put a probability on that until I know for sure.

The Vicar at Church said to me 2 Sundays ago... ."Enabler, I feel I need to tell you to keep a soft  heart. You're being strong and honorable, but make sure your heart stays soft."

It's true... .if my assumptions are always be based on her doing wrong... .It may prevent me from seeing when she does right. Keeping a soft heart doesn't mean one has to be hurt, it can also leave the door open to potential joy.

[Cat Familiar]

I like the concept of a soft heart. So many people seem to believe that hardening their heart will save them from being hurt. I believe the exact opposite. When we harden our hearts, we hurt ourselves in the process and it does nothing to save us from pain.

As far as possible, I think it's important to clear out assumptions, whether they be good or bad. It's a herculean task, I know. I strive to see things clearly, without adding my own preconceived notions.

[Red5]

Good Morning Enabler from the eastern seaboard of the colonies!

Yes, we all do struggle to look through our clouded, dirty and scratched up lenses... .we sure do !

Sometimes its like trying to look through a dirty porthole on the waterline, or better yet a crystal, .as the light is refracted into many directions, like the lens of a lighthouse lamp... .it you look too close for to long all that happens is that you blind yourself for a moment, and completely lose focus while you are trying to see.

If I took a view that she was acting positively... .my starting assumption has ripple effects. Yes, she has been deceitful, yes, they were/are having an affair and yes I believe that has gotten physical. However, I cannot assume just because I know this much, that all future events are based off those assumptions. What if I'm wrong? One has to put a probability on that until I know for sure.

Yes, be forgiving, be optimistic, but guard your heart, and be wise at the same time.
There are some basic "rules of engagement here"... .
#1. People should NOT treat each other this way, its hurtful, and just plain not right.
#2. If you don't want to be with someone anymore, ie' married, then give them a written bill of divorcement, DON'T cheat on them, get free and clear, then "see other people"... .don't krap all over the one you are betrothed to at the moment, again not right, and very selfish.
#3. Marriage is a promise, a contract, for life... .there are circumstances to end a marriage, yes there are... .but the "casual" 'lot ta da'... .think I'll run off with the 'married' guy next door BS... .that's just plain wrong, .and this OM... .grrrr, .what a piece of work he is!

Trust your gut Man!

Hang in there Enabler, we are all rooting for YOU !

Red5

[Enabler]

So I just had a chat with W, she mentioned organising a time to sit down and talk about the financial agreement to which I enquiries about the decree nisii form not being sent off. She claims that it was sent off a couple of weeks ago, then claimed it was sent off on the 2nd August. She claimed she’d not had a chance to mention it since due to kids being around... .siiiiigh. Anyway, I enquirer how she confirmed that the abusive behaviour was continueing (a part of the form) given I couldn’t name a single time I’d even engaged in any altercation with her in months if not a year. The conversation turned to me and again it was a very one sided conversation really as I asked her if she had seen any changes in me to which she said that she had but she didn’t know why that was. I didn’t specify why but said that I had a far far better understanding of the dynamic in our relationship, a deeper understanding of the children and among a lot of other things a greater understanding of our history together. I said that I had learnt to manage conflict in the house, improve my parenting skills and take a step back to understand the dynamic of conflict rather than wading in.

She had very little to say for herself and her own personal development. As far as she is concerned she has done all the talking and it’s too painful for her to talk anymore. This maybe true but I also feel that talking for her means I have access to detail, detail that lacks integrity and has significant holes... .detail that if she were to share might result in me questioning and invalidating and dismantaling a very intricately formulated fantasy world. She can’t afford for me to do that so avoids any sort of discussion that might leave the fantasy vulnerable.

I’m open bare for all to see, I have no shame and hold myself accountable and vulnerable. I have atoned for my errors and stand with confidence.

[Harri]

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Part 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328997.0;all