I have almost zero percent patience with him Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,
Your responses have come at the opportune time. Here's what's going on today 

I purchased a van from someone. The ad said it just needed a tune up and a thermostat. I asked my h his opinion about it because he really is a skilled mechanic. He met the guy and looked at the van for me and told me he thought it would be okay, and that the guy would bring it to the shop he works at and he would get the thermostat put on for me. So I took a cab, met the guy in town and gave him the money and he took the van to my h's shop. They got busy yesterday and he wasn't able to do anything to it. So he drove it home and took it to the other store (he works at the sister store on the weekends) and said something about doing a radiator flush first, then we would see if it really needed the thermostat. He asked if he paid for the work done would I pay him back and I said yes, but I didn't say when.

Okay. First of all, he doesn't have a driver's license, and I would have preferred that he left the van at the other shop rather than driving it home. He didn't ask, he just did it. Also, on top of that, he has made this a big emotional deal out of it because "it means so much to him that I would trust him to look at it and do the work on it because his son is going to be riding in it, blah blah" (insert eye-rolling emoji here).

Now, today, he was supposed to go do some extra work for his boss this afternoon but didn't because of the rain. He was owed some money for work already but had told his boss to hold on to it for him. I worked this morning, and we got busy at the end of work and I stayed an extra hour. He was trying to text me to ask if he could pick me up from work (he is not allowed at my job per the restraining order) and apparently, his refrigerator went out and spoiled all his food. So he is wanting me to give him some money for food and cigarettes because he paid for the work on my van (and still hasn't replaced the thermostat, keeps telling me he wants to see how it's doing, yada yada.) I am trying to do my homework. I don't have a ride to get to him and I don't want a) him driving the van to come get me or b) him knowing where I live. He got mad because I prefer to stay here and try to work on homework and also I told him I don't have much money because I had to pay rent (aside from dropping 1200 bucks on a van).

He got mad because he texted me about the fridge and the food and I didn't get the text. I did not check my phone when I got off work. I rode with my roommate, we picked up s2, paid rent, got gas and went home. His comment about me not reading his text was "I know you're smarter than that." I hung up on him and now he is blowing up my phone because he is trying to use Obligation and Guilt to get me to do what he wants.

I am so sick of all of this. Oh yeah, and the guy I bought the van from has a house for rent. And uBPDh suggested we move into it TOGETHER. I just can't stand this. He is not respecting any boundaries, he still expects me to rescue, he gets mad if I don't, he doesn't care what responsibilities I have regarding school, etc, and he is trying to guilt me into having a relationship with me. He thinks I should just forgive him. That means "you should have a relationship with me" even though he has done nothing in the form of professional help or otherwise to deal with the root of his abusive behavior. He is concerned about his own emotional pain and discomfort and he is mad because I don't want to talk to or spend much time with him. He is exhausting me, and I wish I had never trusted him to even look at this van. He took something simple and complicated it, and now I am scared (Fear) that he will do something to the van or the title like he did the last vehicle.

He's blowing up the phone. And I'm getting NO homework done. And I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football again (don't know if any of you read that post of mine a while back, but this is what I meant by it.)

I feel like I brought some of this on myself, and I feel stupid and foolish. And mad. And frustrated and stressed.

 

 Why do I do this.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi everyone,
Your responses have come at the opportune time. Here's what's going on today 

I purchased a van from someone. The ad said it just needed a tune up and a thermostat. I asked my h his opinion about it because he really is a skilled mechanic. He met the guy and looked at the van for me and told me he thought it would be okay, and that the guy would bring it to the shop he works at and he would get the thermostat put on for me. So I took a cab, met the guy in town and gave him the money and he took the van to my h's shop. They got busy yesterday and he wasn't able to do anything to it. So he drove it home and took it to the other store (he works at the sister store on the weekends) and said something about doing a radiator flush first, then we would see if it really needed the thermostat. He asked if he paid for the work done would I pay him back and I said yes, but I didn't say when.

Okay. First of all, he doesn't have a driver's license, and I would have preferred that he left the van at the other shop rather than driving it home. He didn't ask, he just did it. Also, on top of that, he has made this a big emotional deal out of it because "it means so much to him that I would trust him to look at it and do the work on it because his son is going to be riding in it, blah blah" (insert eye-rolling emoji here).

Now, today, he was supposed to go do some extra work for his boss this afternoon but didn't because of the rain. He was owed some money for work already but had told his boss to hold on to it for him. I worked this morning, and we got busy at the end of work and I stayed an extra hour. He was trying to text me to ask if he could pick me up from work (he is not allowed at my job per the restraining order) and apparently, his refrigerator went out and spoiled all his food. So he is wanting me to give him some money for food and cigarettes because he paid for the work on my van (and still hasn't replaced the thermostat, keeps telling me he wants to see how it's doing, yada yada.) I am trying to do my homework. I don't have a ride to get to him and I don't want a) him driving the van to come get me or b) him knowing where I live. He got mad because I prefer to stay here and try to work on homework and also I told him I don't have much money because I had to pay rent (aside from dropping 1200 bucks on a van).

He got mad because he texted me about the fridge and the food and I didn't get the text. I did not check my phone when I got off work. I rode with my roommate, we picked up s2, paid rent, got gas and went home. His comment about me not reading his text was "I know you're smarter than that." I hung up on him and now he is blowing up my phone because he is trying to use Obligation and Guilt to get me to do what he wants.

I am so sick of all of this. Oh yeah, and the guy I bought the van from has a house for rent. And uBPDh suggested we move into it TOGETHER. I just can't stand this. He is not respecting any boundaries, he still expects me to rescue, he gets mad if I don't, he doesn't care what responsibilities I have regarding school, etc, and he is trying to guilt me into having a relationship with me. He thinks I should just forgive him. That means "you should have a relationship with me" even though he has done nothing in the form of professional help or otherwise to deal with the root of his abusive behavior. He is concerned about his own emotional pain and discomfort and he is mad because I don't want to talk to or spend much time with him. He is exhausting me, and I wish I had never trusted him to even look at this van. He took something simple and complicated it, and now I am scared (Fear) that he will do something to the van or the title like he did the last vehicle.

He's blowing up the phone. And I'm getting NO homework done. And I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football again (don't know if any of you read that post of mine a while back, but this is what I meant by it.)

I feel like I brought some of this on myself, and I feel stupid and foolish. And mad. And frustrated and stressed.

 

 Why do I do this.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

He also did some tire work to the van (he says) that he didn't ask me about beforehand. Now he's claiming he doesn't have any of his rent money, because (as he says) he asked me if he spent money out of his rent to fix the van i would pay him back. He was speaking as if he was short on the rent because of what he had to pay for the van, would I pay him back. Not the entire 200-something dollars. I think if he had to do something that cost that much, he should have told me first. Also, I find it suspicious that if his rent at the motel was due today (as he claims) and he has not paid it, how is he still in the motel room? None of this is adding up and he is pushing, pressuring, arguing and demanding that I pay his entire rent for the week, plus some for food and cigarettes, because I "said I would."

Also he said he got online and read up on some psych websites, and he has decided that I am a narcissist and I am gaslighting him.

I just want to throw up. What happened to the vomiting emoji, can we bring that back please.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Well, you wanted to trust in him and have faith that he would perform the task as needed, and then, well... .you got to see how he operates, once again.

It seems to indicate that there is no "normal" with him and that he doesn't play by the rules (driving without a license). It sounds like you now don't trust him to do what he said he'd do and the money issue about paying his rent sounds sketchy.

And as you've noted, he's trying to get you to buy into the FOG again. Here's more guilt tripping--accusing you of being a narcissist and he's trying to hook you into living with him again.

Yes, it was a mistake to trust him, but it seemed like a good idea at the time because he is a skilled mechanic. But you're seeing an overall pattern repeating here. How would you describe this pattern?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Cat,

This is what I see:

1. Tries to disarm me by assuming a humble attitude and offering his help

2. Plays by his rules, not mine, his mom's, the state's or anyone else's

3. He takes advantage of me

4, He creates problems for himself and expects me to bail him out

5. Disregulates when I don't respond the way he wants and uses FOG, verbal attacks, sarcasm and gaslighting to manipulate me

6. When I try to enforce a boundary or call attention to something he did that crossed a boundary, he:
      - Rewrites history
      - Accuses me of seeing someone else
      - Throws out jabs about something I am doing that is not making him a priority
      - Uses our son (asks if he can talk to him, when can he see him, accuses me of using s2 against him)
7. Pushes his own agenda and blatantly disregards areas of my life that require attention which do not involve him

8. Makes everything about him, creates chaos, complicates matters and then wants to spend xxx hours talking about how he feels and why he doesn't understand why I am so frustrated

9. Tries to monopolize every second of time I have away from work and tries to sabotage anything about my life that is separate from him

I could probably add more, but that's a start. What do you think? Do you see anything differently, or that I may be missing?

Thanks,

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,

I will jump in here.  Let’s look at #6.  The boundaries are about you.  They are not about how he feels, his version of events, etc.

Boundaries help us to get more of what we need/want and less of what we don’t want or need.  Some people find it helpful to limit phone calls to certain amounts or times.  People who want unlimited access are probably not going to be happy about boundaries. 

Redeemed, please be careful.  Safety is the most important thing here. 

Wishing you blessings and peace!

Mustbe

[formflier]

I'm going to also vote you spend a lot of time thinking about #6.  Boundaries.

My relationship is so much better now that when I found this site years ago.  I've learned a lot of tools and concepts, but one stands out as the absolute clear winner... .my #1 tool.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.20


I was also incredibly lucky to have some senior members "get to me" and get it in my head that before I tried boundaries I needed to be CONSISTENT

In fact, they told me that inconsistent boundaries could many times be worse that no boundaries at all.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189433.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63989.0


I AM Redeemed

I know you have other school work to do (and eventually I'm going to pester you about protecting your school work with a ... .wait for it... .take a big guess... .HMMMM... .what will FF say?  A boundary around your homework)

Sometimes when you do reading and homework you are really into the details... and sometimes it's about big concepts.

What I want you to focus on is to read those links.  Read them a time or two, perhaps take notes.

Then... .think about a time or two in your relationship where you "might" have used intermittent reinforcement.  Post about it.

It's critical you understand the concept.

Good job looking at patterns.  Especially uncomfortable patterns.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Good job, Redeemed!
You’re seeing very clearly and describing the situation well! 

As others have mentioned, boundaries are crucial and intermittent reinforcement just leads him to assume that he will get his way if he persists.

Not fun to change this pattern, but you can do it. And it will be so much easier when he realizes that you won’t back down.

Here’s a link to Tom Petty to remind you that you won’t back down:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nvlTJrNJ5lA