Distorted and twisted memory of events painting a false picture of events and me

[LJS0617]

Hello, I am new to this site but my new to dealing with my husbands BPD. He is in therapy and has been committed to dbt for about a year or more. We are in couples therapy just recently and found a provider that seems to be a good fit. He talks and interacts at this point. For the first time ever, I was present shen he recalled the past months of conflicts and me and him. He recalled it all as unrealistic or true. It is his memenory and perception but I fear, if he never realizes I do not seek to produce conflict or make him worse... .but if he never sees what he does to me or ever wants to know the root. It is 9/10 projection feom another stressor in his life that results in him “asking a question” he knows the answer to or as I see it... .saying an accusation with a “?” On the end. He baits and hooks. There is no way to avoid as I have tried. Not responding, tried being direct, tried to tel him how uneasy I feel engaging but want to give him benefit of doubt. It feels like I am fighting the biggest battle and most important one of my life but not even attending the same one with him. Do I just hold on and hope and wait for him to want to know the root?  Do I hope he connects the result and his life with his behaviors?  I don’t want him to resent my concern. Advice is greatly appreciated and perspective of others. I love him but i worry I’m losing hope during such a time I want to be trying so hard. I am willing to change but I can’t accept being ok with the effects he is having on me and our kids. It was like he was lying today at session, but he truly believes he is not. He really believes the distortion of such memory that could easily be proven showing him or others a text, email or myself recalling how it went from start to finish. Thanks for listening and I look forward to finding strength and support here with this group.

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[isilme]

It's very common to hear the BPD-filter of an event and see that it doesn't really match what you remmber.  A little vriation in a heated event is normal, but the cause and effect with BPD are often mixed up, or even fabricated.

Let me say a few things about this
1 - disassociation. 

This can be seen in a lot of ways.  I do it when I distance my emotions from my memories.  I have factual, video-recording memories that often have little to no emotion tied to them.  My brain seems to shut down the pain until it thinks I can handle it, then, well... .it's not fun.

My H does it when he distances himself from negative feelings by "forgetting" events where he was in the wrong, or re-writing them so he's not in the wrong.  He really seems to have forgotten lots of things good and bad. 

Things H chooses to "remember" are often distorted, usually in some way to make him out to look better.  Often, this obviously paints me as a hapless idiot buffoon at best, b!tch at worst.  He "remembers" saying things I actually said, and claims I caused fights by snapping at him, being mean, acting on anger I didn't even have at the time, etc.  It's all shame and blame avoidance.

2 - feelings = facts, so their facts change over time and based on audience and situation.

So, if he blames/hates you on Tuesday for something because he's mad or worried how he looks, he could feel perfectly fine on Wednesday because he's in a better mood. 

I am starting to think about relationship feelings like the stock market.  You look closely at it, like a snapshot of a day, it's going to have huge bumps up and down all over.  Look at it over decades, the trend is a steady up with a  few bobbles. 

3 - if he's in dbt, this is all going to take time.

Congrats - you are one of the lucky ones who got your pwBPD into DBT, the best bet for actual therapeutic help.   

Hopefully, any expert on BPD qualified to engage in DBT will know to filter most of what is shared, or even talk to you, the spouse, privately in a session now and then and get your unvarnished viewpoint. 

No, he's not going to be able to see immediately how he is a big cause of the drama.  He has BPD.  This means he needs all blame to be shifted as far away as possible.  it's currently the only skill he has to process it.  Showing him "proof" just falls into JADE and will invalidate him on many levels and won't have the desired effect.  This really is a long haul effort, and he's going to have some growing pains as he learns to see new ways to interpret the world, your actions, and his own blame in the relationship.

See if you can talk to the T on your own, so at least you feel you've gotten your own say in a safe manner.  You can even be honest and say you need some session to "work on you" and make use of it. 

[LJS0617]

Thank u thank u thank u. I needed to hear some of that bc he has made me believe I am crazy so often now when I never would have.
He says his therapist think he isn’t all that sick or hindered and I am actually more so. That they think I have BPD not him. My T couldn’t agree less and laughs at this but it’s amazing over time what one can make u believe.

He finally today agreed to allow my T to talk to his T bc mine said he needs accountability and after a session today for us as couple and me hearing him actually say what I never wanted to believe... .which is him painting this pic so he can live with what he has done and dumb it down enough to not feel bad and to hoot... .has to shift it to me. I get him not wanting to feel a pain but insisting on making someone else I will never understand.

We shall see how it goes w his T and mine. My T thinks if his T really says these things and believes him or this about me, then I have been horribly misrepresented and it is not serving justice to either of us and the tools my T gives me or advice can only go so far as he is so inconsistent and pulled the blinders over a lot of people including me

I appreciate your response and all more than u know. This is my first time on a blog and it is what I have needed bc it’s easy to think you are crazy when u shut out the rest of world and are simply exhausted. Things feel impossible so often.

[isilme]

Share on here anytime.  I find writing helps, and everyone on here has had some version of similar actions.  It's a good community of people.

I think it's good for the 2 T's to talk.  This is all very promising as far as I can see - he's in DBT, your T's are willing to work with each other and compare notes, which will be good for both of you.

Just remember BPD is kinda like diabetes.  He's never going to NOT have it.  He can regulate it, he can have much better days, but just like a fever can cause sugar to spike, extra stress of health issues can cause the BPD to worsen a bit until it's past.  Remember it's a condition to learn to manage and live with, not a disease to be "cured".