coping with my bp mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. My dad moved into an apartment, and my mom kept the house and pretty much everything in it. We eventually moved into another house and have lived there ever since. My schedule with each parents has always been equal and they have joint custody. Ever since I was younger, I was called many names from my mother. She has always yelled at me, made me feel inferior, and has verbally abused me. As a young child, I was oblivious to the fact that this behavior was not normal. I also grew up being compared to my older sister. She was always smarter, better at singing, more studious, more talkative and so much more. At least that’s what my mother made sure to tell all of our friends and family. I grew up thinking I was a dumb little girl with nothing to offer the world. My father has always been very supportive. Of course, I was only listening to my mother’s voice shouting at me, and did not focus on my father’s positivity and faith in me. This caused my self esteem to go away. When I was 12, I started to express signs of depression. I would try to go to my mother and tell her about how I was feeling, and she would
always shut me down. She would say that I was being over dramatic and unreasonable, and that she didn’t want to deal with my problems. From then on, I bottled up all of my feelings, and became
incapable of expressing myself to anyone. I was basically in a bubble, and I became an introverted person. Middle school started and I didn’t have many friends. I didn’t even think to find any. I was not allowed to take honors classes because my mom said that I was too lazy and stupid to take them. When she said these things, I would hurt. And I believed her. Because she is my mom, and I was very influenced by her opinion. In 2016, my dad got remarried and we blended with another family. I used to dislike my step mom, but we have gotten along pretty well this year. The summer of 2017 was when I began to discover more about my mentality. I talked to some close friends about how I was feeling loads of anxiety and sadness. Many people came out to me that summer about their depression and anxiety, and had strongly suggested that I should go to a therapist. Towards the end of 2017, I talked to both of my parents about how I have been feeling and they were both very supportive. My dad had agreed to let me see a therapist. Even though my parents had cared and listened to me, they did not really get to making an appointment with a therapist for a while. It was in March of this year (2018), when I talked to my friend who experiences depression and ADHD, and she had suggested that I go to her psychiatrist. After a lot of convincing and consulting with my pediatrician, my parents finally allowed me to see this psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was prescribed medication. I am not blaming my diagnosis on my mom, nor do I think she has anything to do with it. Mental illness is in my family. I just know that if she did not treat me the way she has, it would probably not be as severe as it is. My mother and I began to fight a lot this summer (2018). We went on a trip to California with her boyfriend and his kids, and they announced that they were engaged. My heart sunk to my stomach and I felt like I was living a nightmare. Her boyfriend (now fiancé) is not the type of person I would particularly, well, like. He enjoys being a devils advocate in very inconvenient situations. He tries to control my mom by yelling at her and saying unkind things about my siblings and me to my mother. Knowing what I know now about BPD, her inferior response to his behavior is understandable. She frequently said that her fiancé thinks we eat to much and that we are getting fat. I came back from an internship in Los Angeles, and instead of supporting me, he made fun of me and mocked me, because he had the impression that I thought I was really smart and talented for being able to get accepted into the internship, and I figure he was just trying to get a ride out of me. My mother gets upset from the way her fiancé treats her, and instead of taking it out on him, she goes to my siblings and me and yells at us and calls us names. She then began texting me while I was at school or at my father’s house. Her texts contained many insults and had effected my whole day and distracted me from learning. The fighting was mostly one sided. She would yell at me, and I would apologize. Then the next thing would come up, and the same process would start all over again. It was almost like she enjoyed getting upset with me. Eventually I decided that I needed a break from her. I have been living with my father for the past 2 months and I have never been more at peace and relaxed. It almost feels like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders and I can finally see what it is like to stand up straight. She has not been taking this separation very well. We met up at a Starbucks about 3 weeks ago and we discussed the issues we was having. She was doing the best she could to listen and understand my point of view (which I greatly appreciated since it does not happened very often). We left that two hour conversation and the next day, only 24 hours later, she called me, crying, and begging me to come home. She began to bargain with me and ask why I cannot just come home and work everything out, even though we had a conversation the day before about how I needed to work on myself which requires boundaries and space. She then went back to texting me, going back and forth, first saying that she is letting me go, and she does not think I need my mother in my life. And then, hours later, she changed her mind saying that she wants me to come home and she loves me. Then the next day, she would send me a text saying how she hates me and never wants to see me again. As you can probably image, this was a confusing and stressful situation. My psychiatrist has been very helpful to me though. He gave me the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. It has helped me discover so much about myself and the disorder that I realized my mother has. The book mentioned this website, so now I am here, asking for advice. I have a scheduled time with my mom tomorrow to meet and talk. I said that I wanted to talk about life and not focus on our issues, because even though living with her was difficult, I do want a relationship with her. I am on this website because I am looking for someone to help and talk with, who may understand some of my situation. I have been able to talk to my father and step mom (who’s ex husband has BPD), but I think I just need someone new to talk to.

[jsanders]

My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. My dad moved into an apartment, and my mom kept the house and pretty much everything in it. We eventually moved into another house and have lived there ever since. My schedule with each parents has always been equal and they have joint custody. Ever since I was younger, I was called many names from my mother. She has always yelled at me, made me feel inferior, and has verbally abused me. As a young child, I was oblivious to the fact that this behavior was not normal. I also grew up being compared to my older sister. She was always smarter, better at singing, more studious, more talkative and so much more. At least that’s what my mother made sure to tell all of our friends and family. I grew up thinking I was a dumb little girl with nothing to offer the world. My father has always been very supportive. Of course, I was only listening to my mother’s voice shouting at me, and did not focus on my father’s positivity and faith in me. This caused my self esteem to go away. When I was 12, I started to express signs of depression. I would try to go to my mother and tell her about how I was feeling, and she would
always shut me down. She would say that I was being over dramatic and unreasonable, and that she didn’t want to deal with my problems. From then on, I bottled up all of my feelings, and became
incapable of expressing myself to anyone. I was basically in a bubble, and I became an introverted person. Middle school started and I didn’t have many friends. I didn’t even think to find any. I was not allowed to take honors classes because my mom said that I was too lazy and stupid to take them. When she said these things, I would hurt. And I believed her. Because she is my mom, and I was very influenced by her opinion. In 2016, my dad got remarried and we blended with another family. I used to dislike my step mom, but we have gotten along pretty well this year. The summer of 2017 was when I began to discover more about my mentality. I talked to some close friends about how I was feeling loads of anxiety and sadness. Many people came out to me that summer about their depression and anxiety, and had strongly suggested that I should go to a therapist. Towards the end of 2017, I talked to both of my parents about how I have been feeling and they were both very supportive. My dad had agreed to let me see a therapist. Even though my parents had cared and listened to me, they did not really get to making an appointment with a therapist for a while. It was in March of this year (2018), when I talked to my friend who experiences depression and ADHD, and she had suggested that I go to her psychiatrist. After a lot of convincing and consulting with my pediatrician, my parents finally allowed me to see this psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was prescribed medication. I am not blaming my diagnosis on my mom, nor do I think she has anything to do with it. Mental illness is in my family. I just know that if she did not treat me the way she has, it would probably not be as severe as it is. My mother and I began to fight a lot this summer (2018). We went on a trip to California with her boyfriend and his kids, and they announced that they were engaged. My heart sunk to my stomach and I felt like I was living a nightmare. Her boyfriend (now fiancé) is not the type of person I would particularly, well, like. He enjoys being a devils advocate in very inconvenient situations. He tries to control my mom by yelling at her and saying unkind things about my siblings and me to my mother. Knowing what I know now about BPD, her inferior response to his behavior is understandable. She frequently said that her fiancé thinks we eat to much and that we are getting fat. I came back from an internship in Los Angeles, and instead of supporting me, he made fun of me and mocked me, because he had the impression that I thought I was really smart and talented for being able to get accepted into the internship, and I figure he was just trying to get a ride out of me. My mother gets upset from the way her fiancé treats her, and instead of taking it out on him, she goes to my siblings and me and yells at us and calls us names. She then began texting me while I was at school or at my father’s house. Her texts contained many insults and had effected my whole day and distracted me from learning. The fighting was mostly one sided. She would yell at me, and I would apologize. Then the next thing would come up, and the same process would start all over again. It was almost like she enjoyed getting upset with me. Eventually I decided that I needed a break from her. I have been living with my father for the past 2 months and I have never been more at peace and relaxed. It almost feels like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders and I can finally see what it is like to stand up straight. She has not been taking this separation very well. We met up at a Starbucks about 3 weeks ago and we discussed the issues we was having. She was doing the best she could to listen and understand my point of view (which I greatly appreciated since it does not happened very often). We left that two hour conversation and the next day, only 24 hours later, she called me, crying, and begging me to come home. She began to bargain with me and ask why I cannot just come home and work everything out, even though we had a conversation the day before about how I needed to work on myself which requires boundaries and space. She then went back to texting me, going back and forth, first saying that she is letting me go, and she does not think I need my mother in my life. And then, hours later, she changed her mind saying that she wants me to come home and she loves me. Then the next day, she would send me a text saying how she hates me and never wants to see me again. As you can probably image, this was a confusing and stressful situation. My psychiatrist has been very helpful to me though. He gave me the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. It has helped me discover so much about myself and the disorder that I realized my mother has. The book mentioned this website, so now I am here, asking for advice. I have a scheduled time with my mom tomorrow to meet and talk. I said that I wanted to talk about life and not focus on our issues, because even though living with her was difficult, I do want a relationship with her. I am on this website because I am looking for someone to help and talk with, who may understand some of my situation. I have been able to talk to my father and step mom (who’s ex husband has BPD), but I think I just need someone new to talk to.

[Harri]

Hi there. 

I am glad you are reaching out for help.  It is not easy to have a parent with BPD behaviors and is quite challenging even though you have a supportive father and step mother on top of having a therapist.  All of that is wonderful and I understand you want more support.  You sound very aware of yourself and your needs and how important it is for you to have your own life with boundaries in place. 

It is hard to tell for sure, but based on what you wrote I have to ask if you are under the age of 18.   Our site requires the members to be at least 18 years old.  If you are under age, here are some sites online that might help.  One is Your Life, Your Voice.  Another is Teen Line Online.  In the meantime, you can continue to read here, making sure to check out the Communication Tools in the Library section of the site.