How to handle scapegoat abuse

[Star0009]

Hi
I have posted and figured out my BPD mom is also a narcissist as was my father most likely. I was the scapegoat on both sides. I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused on several occasions. My older half brother's mother abandoned him for 7 years when he was 7 and I was born and ruined the marriage his mom had to my dad. My dad blamed me and my siblings for ruining his life. He was the golden child but had it bad at times as my Mom abused him and his mom abandoned him. He still treats me with the same love hate I got from my father. I never know what I'm gonna get. he also copies my father that I'm like my Mom who he blames for all of his problems. One second he is telling me he feels closest to me than any family member as I made a point to be his friend my whole life as I looked up to him to the next he is telling his family to step away from me when his car won't start as if I did something to it or I he invites me out for his birthday and I give him a gift and as he opens it he gets strange and starts saying "I'm scared" as if I'm giving him who knows what. I have called him on all this stuff and he doesn't respond or denies it all. I'm still friends with both my brothers on social media. Both of my brothers have made it clear to me they don't have my back. This was hard but with help from these boards I have been accepting this fact and creating my own life. Every time though I step away from them as my older brother  acts like he wants  and there are times in my life he painfully shut me out all together and acted like he hated me for no reason (this is what my younger brother does to me now.) He responds to something on social media or messages me then I get sucked back in and hurt again. I never know if his comments and messages are pure and nice anymore or mocking me in some way. My younger brother who used to be my best friend acts like I'm dead to him and when I talk to him on the phone he ignores me, acts business like only and as I try to talk about friendly or serious stuff to him he is suddenly laughing with a girl in the background and talking to her so I just say I will just go. My sister continues to call me and is nice but in person she puts down my looks and builds up hers and even on the phone when I say someone in my mom's extended family bullied me she laughs and says "ok I'm not gonna talk to you say the word bully again." in a sarcastic tone. She wants to know everything about my life but tells me nothing about hers or lies about it yet she still calls. My Mom's extended family has bullied and harassed me my whole life and continues to. I have decided to separate from my Mom's family and no longer attend family parties. I will stay low contact with my Mom who is always a mess and I could just say i want no contact with bc she is the one one with BPD and maybe I will talk with my grandmother. I wish I could tell them all what I have been thru and how I'm the scapegoat but I've read that doesn't work. Mainly I'm wondering how do I deal with my siblings? I don't have the heart to cut them out of my life. If anything they all don't believe me when someone is mean to me, in fact they have stood by friends of mine  that hurt me they barely know but not by me and they don't validate my emotions. I'm trying to keep some distance as people here suggested but every time they contact me I end up getting hurt again. Any advice would be great.

[Star0009]

I guess I know how to handle my BPD Mom but how do I handle the abusive people from being a scapegoat?

[Harri]

Hi Star. 

(My reply below is based on you saying you do not want to cut contact with your siblings.)

It is hard to have a decent relationship with siblings who grew up in the same dysfunctional family.  I talked with my T about my relationship with my brother once and she told me there is too much history there between us for us to ever be friends like some siblings are.  I believe that is true at least for some of us.  My relationship with my brother now is not bad and we love each other but we are not close and I don't talk to him about problems or look for validation from him.  Is is not, never has been part of our dynamic.  I will always be his dumb naive sister who is wild and irresponsible... .even though I was never really any of those things.

My only suggestion is to stop trying to get your siblings to validate you.  If they are not ready to see how they were raised or how you were abused, they are not ready.  They are not going to want to listen.  That has to be okay if you want to keep in contact.  What helped me was to remind myself that I too used to be in denial, treated my brother badly based on long sanding patterns and that he has a right to come to terms with his past in his own way and on his own time.

None of that means you have to take abuse though.  So in addition to changing your expectations, allow yourself to say no, end the conversation and be okay with the fact that they will get upset and probably blame you.  You can't control that but you can change the way you respond to it and you can achieve a certain emotional distance so these events do not devastate you so.  Then you will be in a better position to decide if contact is the right thing for you.

[Learning2Thrive]

Harri wrote:

None of that means you have to take abuse though.  So in addition to changing your expectations, allow yourself to say no, end the conversation and be okay with the fact that they will get upset and probably blame you.  You can't control that but you can change the way you respond to it and you can achieve a certain emotional distance so these events do not devastate you so.  Then you will be in a better position to decide if contact is the right thing for you.

Star, this highlighted part, you can do this by developing healthy boundaries for yourself.

  L2T

[Star0009]

Thanks guys. I'm sorry you had to go thru it too but its interesting to hear. I have always been nice to my siblings at least from middle school on but I was always quiet and supportive and like their Mom with some exceptions like yelling at my sister after she picks apart my body but I've learned yeah I will always be crazy, mean who knows what else in their mind. I'm not saying I'm perfect we have had our moments but I have cared for them and put them above all else. I have problems but being mean to my siblings was never really one of them. That being said its true I need to create boundaries and not seek validation from them. This was very helpful. I often seek validation in general but I'm learning it can only come from myself. I found it on this list this morning  of  habits you develop from emotional abuse. I've had pretty much all of them.Needing to feel validated is on here. Some I fixed in therapy like being able to look people in the eyes. I also chain smoked from age 13-23 but managed to quit but many I'm still working on. "https://awarenessact.com/26-habits-you-develop-as-an-adult-when-you-have-experiences-childhood-emotional-abuse-mental/