Is it common for BPD SO to suddenly break up with you?

[mjssmom]

If anyone saw my first post a couple of days ago, my ex BPD boyfriend suddenly broke up with me and cheated and left me for the girl he's now dating.  I found out they had been seeing each other since the beginning of December.  Yesterday I found a profile of him on an online dating site.  I was heartbroken.  Now I know how he met her.  And she knew about me.  I can't believe she's ok with this either.  Why would she want someone who'd do something like this?  Anyway, the account was last signed into the day before he and I had what I thought was a really nice and sincere talk about our relationship and future together as he wanted me to move in with him.  2 days later he broke up with me for her and violently yelled at me but gave me no explanation.  I'm still experiencing shock going on a month later.  In hindsight, I realize he has almost all the traits but at the time, even when he was hunting online, he never gave any indication this was coming.  He was loving and amazing right up until the sudden end.  It's my counselor and I together that figured out with help from his family that he most likely has BPD.  In fact we are pretty positive.  I'm still struggling with the questions of does he miss me, did he ever love me, how could he do this?  Why has he cut me off with no resolution?  It feels to cold and cruel to just leave me with no closure of any kind.  We had been so close. How does he not comprehend how painful this is to me?  How can he think this ok to do to someone?  How can he have no remorse?  He said he hated me in the only phone call I got.  He was raging.  That was 2 days after telling me he wanted to spend his life with me.  His sister told me I'm not the only woman he's done this to.  That it's been all his relationships.  Thanks for telling me now and not sooner!  I hear he's making me out to be crazy to people and all this is my fault.  But we weren't having any issues I'm aware of so I don't understand that.  So somewhere, 2 months ago, I turned "black" in his eyes?  Is that it?  How?  But from everything I'm reading about, it seems like this is really kind of common in BPD relationships if they are the ones that suddenly bolt.  Is this really true?

[ArleighBurke]

Yes - common. BPDs are very emotionally driven and go from 0% to 100% in the blink of an eye. They also have a very difficult time empathising - so he won't understand that he's done wrong by you.

Sorry!

[FallenOne]

Is it common for there to be trees in a forest?

[Confused108]

Yup! It is. Mine wrote me a beautiful love letter telling me how much she missed and loved me all those these years etc. Then 3 or 4 days later dumped me telling me she never loved me. So yes they love you one min replace you the next day.

[Duped 1]

Yup-

Mine was talking marriage and how she would always be there for me one day and less than a week later we are "done forever" and she already has a replacement. This from a person who preached the importance of honesty and integrity often. What a puke!

[infjEpic]

Why would she want someone who'd do something like this? 

Anyway, the account was last signed into the day before he and I had what I thought was a really nice and sincere talk about our relationship and future together as he wanted me to move in with him.  2 days later he broke up with me for her and violently yelled at me but gave me no explanation.  I'm still experiencing shock going on a month later.  In hindsight, I realize he has almost all the traits but at the time, even when he was hunting online, he never gave any indication this was coming. 

He was loving and amazing right up until the sudden end.  It's my counselor and I together that figured out with help from his family that he most likely has BPD.  In fact we are pretty positive. 

You will more than likely see it mentioned time and time again, that BPD can only be diagnosed by a professional.

Unfortunately, that causes many non-disordered people in abusive relationships to rationalize the abusive behaviour they are enduring. “Well, they mightn’t be disordered, maybe if I try harder…”

or prolong their suffering: " If only I ... .coulda, shoulda, woulda"


The important point is not the diagnosis - it is the abusive behaviour.

Even if it a person has not been diagnosed officially, but shares many of the same traits (especially idealisation/devaluation), the psychological damage is crippling.

The diagnosis does not matter, the abusive behaviour does.

I'm still struggling with the questions of does he miss me, did he ever love me, how could he do this? 

I warning you in advance that this post will not make you feel any better, and may actually make you feel worse... .but it may help you to understand.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305255.msg12840627#msg12840627

You also need to understand that - you haven't done anything wrong, and you couldn't have done anything differently.
It's not your fault

Why has he cut me off with no resolution?  It feels to cold and cruel to just leave me with no closure of any kind.  We had been so close. How does he not comprehend how painful this is to me?  How can he think this ok to do to someone?  How can he have no remorse?  He said he hated me in the only phone call I got.  He was raging.  That was 2 days after telling me he wanted to spend his life with me.  His sister told me I'm not the only woman he's done this to.  That it's been all his relationships.  Thanks for telling me now and not sooner! 

We've all been there I'm afraid.

What you are going through is absolutely brutal.
But you will come out the other side, much more resilient and much wiser.

You will not get closure.

The recovery process is very painful, but you are going to grow and learn more this experience than probably any other experience in your life up until this point.

I hear he's making me out to be crazy to people and all this is my fault. 

Unfortunately,tThis is standard methodology for borderlines. It won't stick. Sooner or later, the truth will emerge.

It's very important for you to understand, that he is highly likely to attempt to 'recycle' you, when (not if) he discards his current victim.

You need to break all possible forms of contact. This is not what you want to hear, but it is essential for your own protection and your own recovery.

But we weren't having any issues I'm aware of so I don't understand that.  So somewhere, 2 months ago, I turned "black" in his eyes?  Is that it?  How?  But from everything I'm reading about, it seems like this is really kind of common in BPD relationships if they are the ones that suddenly bolt.  Is this really true?

Unfortunately, it's not just common - it's almost universal.

[apollotech]

mjssmom,

Yes, the abrupt breakup is pretty common in a BPD relationship. You cannot apply logical reasoning/thinking to it (as you're trying to do, and that's common for the Non to do) because it is emotionally driven.

If your ex is BPD afflicted, that sounds like Engulfment kicked in---fear of loss of self/identity in another person. Notice that it happened when y'all were close emotionally (talk of moving in together). That could have caused his dysregulation, he saw you as the culprit, so he distanced himself from you. Now, understand this part----It had nothing to do with you; it happened because he cannot self-sooth/regulate his emotions. Over time, he has developed this maladapted coping mechanism. Again, read HIM, not you. Duped's story in this same thread is very similar to yours.

Now, be prepared, there is a good chance that he'll be back. You'll get the pull behavior from him (idealization). At that point, you'll have to decide what you're going to do. If it's BPD and y'all re-engage, then you'll be in a recycle and the devaluation will be next (as soon as he becomes engulfed again). You won't have controller over this, and neither will he.

Take care of yourself in all of this!

[ShadowA]

Let me tell you my ex's last words I heard directly from her before she disappeared and told everyone I'm crazy.

"I had a great night, wish you didn't have to leave early!, can't wait to talk to you again"

[Confused108]

Yup-

Mine was talking marriage and how she would always be there for me one day and less than a week later we are "done forever" and she already has a replacement. This from a person who preached the importance of honesty and integrity often. What a puke!

Yes! Mine always spoke about how she wanted us to be honest with each other!meanwhike I found out half the crap she told me was lies after the breakup.

[Confused108]

Let me tell you my ex's last words I heard directly from her before she disappeared and told everyone I'm crazy.

"I had a great night, wish you didn't have to leave early!, can't wait to talk to you again"

! Mine told me that she loved me oh so much and said that she was so happy she was busy at work otherwise she would be climing the walls missing me! Then after she discarded me she basically told me I was too much for her and was always texting her etc. Thatvwas her always texting me . Then she told me how lonely  she was and at the end she told me that she had told me that she liked being alone!

[mjssmom]

Thank you for answering my question everyone.  I'm very worried he'll try to recycle me in the future and right now I feel very vunerable.  I'm doing my homework though and have enlisted a counselor.  I'm bi-polar and have PTSD myself but for the most part, I'm controlled and pretty high functioning.  I work very hard at being healthy.  I'm somewhat bewildered that I was duped by him and all his lies.  This incident the triggered mania and the PTSD.  She too said to me today we need to get you prepared  for his possible attempt to return.  I've been doing everything I can to ensure he won't be able to contact me again short of moving.   I still love him and I really miss him.  But he's not healthy.  I can not go through this again so today I started treatments with EMRD therapy since all my worst fears and triggers were exploited by him.  It seems like he set me up for this and deliberately planned to make this as painful as possible.  I have been trying to rationalize this but I see what your all saying.  It just seems so unreal though that a person can go about doing these things and think no big deal to themselves.  It's unreal in my head.  I'll keep working hard though to make myself strong and healthy again.

[thefinalrose]

Yep, well at least mine behaved in a similar way. The way he went away was very sudden and cruel as well, no real explanation except that everything was my fault. Looking back at our entire relationship though, I see now that there's always been a pattern in is behavior from the very start that was very BPD. I struggle with the same questions. As difficult as it is, it's not good to ruminate over whys and hows too much for too long; you will never be able to figure out those things for sure. In my experience, there's really only two things you can do: learn as much as you can about BPD, and try to improve yourself, if you feel it's necessary (despite what others might say, I do believe that each one of us who's been in a relationship with someone who has BPD have our own issues, especially those around boundaries and communication).

[apollotech]

It just seems so unreal though that a person can go about doing these things and think no big deal to themselves.  It's unreal in my head. 

mjssmom,

You're still trying to apply logic and normal rationalizations to his disordered behaviors and/or statements. That doesn't work in regards to BPD because it is a mental disorder. What seems to be completely abnormal for you is his normal way of dealing with his uncontrolled emotions/thoughts. (Think child having a meltdown (emotional dysregulation), it is the same thing.) As you said, "in your head" it is unreasonable behavior, but this is about his head. Please try to remember that and view the failed relationship that way, from his BPD colored perspective.

I'll keep working hard though to make myself strong and healthy again.

This is a great statement about yourself ^^^^! It is positive, and you exercise the control here. You cannot change him, but you can certainly change yourself and maintain control of yourself. I think your therapist is right on the money, there is a very good chance that he will return. Working on yourself now will better equip you to handle that event if it should happen to occur. It's understandable that you're worried about him trying to begin a recycle and that you're vulnerable right now, but by making yourself healthy and strong again, that worry will dissipate----you will be in control of the recycle attempt, not him. Keep up the good work!

[mraa90]

My ex that I dated for 2 months, known for 7 months before that. She got close to me, and asked me out. I know, it sound silly, but I'm a shy guy who never been with anyone at the age of 24. We got so close so fast! and it felt so right. She told me she was emotionally unstable, and showed me some hell during the relationship. A day or two of silent treatment or being super cold. Last time we went out, I made sure shew as happy and we had an amazing day. BEYOND AMAZING. Told that we are going out for a movie next weekened. Guess what, she cancled the date, and stopped answering my texts. Few times I tried to see her, she was angry at me for no reason. After that, she went silent for 5 weeks and I was scared to go see her, when I finally did, she said she wasn't looking for a relationship with me.

So yea, they do switch hard! Last saw her on May and nothing since then. I miss her and think about her all the time, she broke me so hard. She used my fear of being left against me, I thought she was normal so I told her about my fears not knowing she will use it against me soon.

[Stripey77]

Hi everyone,

Just to echo the words of many here, and I realise that it may be bleak comfort, but the behaviours and traits you're describing are, very sadly, pretty much the universal experience of most of us on here. In fact it was precisely the swift and unbelievably brutal flip in my BF's feelings for me that lead me to ever discover that BPD existed, having simply typed a few words of my experience into Google to try to make some kind of sense of the unbelievable turn of events. I'd never heard of BPD, but once I started reading... .well... .To my astonishment I found out that I was not alone, I found this site and the wise words of all the others on here - and I have often credited it with saving my own sanity, if not my life, in my darkest of dark times. 

Just to illustrate to you that you are not alone -  I was practically walking on air in the midst of the most intense love of my life 3 years ago, totally wrapped up in a man who was equally as besotted with me. I fell so deeply in love it was a life changer. One day he picked me up to go on a trip about the island as we often did - he was drawing love hearts in the air to me, holding my hand and singing to me en route. Four HOURS later he was no longer speaking to me -  after I had asked him if he could possibly refrain from calling other people in his home country on WhatsApp etc. whilst we were in the middle of a heart to heart.  The complete flip in his attitude to me, from someone totally and utterly in love to cold and tired indifference, was instantaneous. I actually watched the change happen before my eyes, and helpless to do anything to 'bring him back' to the loving man I'd been in the car with on the way up, I had to sit as he drove me home in total silence before breaking up with me, via text, three long and lonely days later. And so began an epic journey of push/pull behaviours that have extended to this day - the only difference being that I am now on top of the situation and it no longer controls me but that's another story. I reiterate what others have said on here, please brace yourself for the very real possibility that your ex/BF will, almost certainly, be back at some point.

I am so sorry to say that what you're describing does sound horribly like what a great many of us have gone through, and yes, it is utterly mind bending, sad and incomprehensible. My BF left me but he is still in my life (at a very long arm's length) to this day because we live in a teeny tiny town - and I have unfortunately been through a living hell with him in the intervening time. I still love the man in my photographs in a way I have never loved anybody in my life... .but he in essence died - and I wouldn't wish the experience we on here have all had on my worst enemy.

But, I do hope that knowing you are not alone, and that the 'sudden exit' is a common thread on here, offers you some small crumb of comfort. You haven't imagined it, and there really is no sense in anything that just happened in the mind of us 'nons'. It seems like the cruellest of jokes, I know. I only wish it were a joke. But please know that you will come out of the other side of this, I promise you, and we are all here for you. Please try if you can at all (I know it's almost impossible) to stop asking yourself what happened? what did I do? how could he not love me anymore? Because non of this is about anything you've done, and everything about an internal battle your ex is going through every day of his life. The sooner you truly accept this, the sooner you will begin to feel better.

[toughday]

Just to throw my hat in the ring. We were living together and trying for a baby. 1st Jan a lovely fb post about how happy she is and she is with someone she loves and is happy and looking forward to the year ahead. Jan 5th i want you to move out immediately because you don't love me. thats it... no going back all over. Done. Such a massive thing to get your head around. Only just getting over it now.

[Mindfried]

It is amazing how all the stories are the same. Mine stressed being open and honest and than used everything against me. I could never figure the constant break-ups and make-ups out. I could never figure out how she loved me to death in one sentence only to break up with me in the next. This went on for four years. Glad I got help. Therapist did not diagnose her but pointed me in the right direction and I found this site and everyone's story is pretty much the same or very similar. It does help knowing I am not the only one going through this emotionally painful situation. Don't take me wrong I would not wish this pain on anyone I am just glad I have some answers that help me cope.

[SWLSR]

Yes they do I can not understand why my if I had to guess it would be that they believe they if we found out who they really are we would leave them in a second, so they do not get too close and whenever they feel there world is about to fall apart they just disappear.  They are warped souls and they believe everyone to be a warped soul, so they have no trouble hurting folks. 

[Chitchat]

Statistic : divorce rates among pwBPD is about the same as for the general population.

[HopelessBroken]

Mjssmom, we were clearly dating the same person. Asked me to marry him four days before the final discard. The confusion, hurt, pain, sadness feels unbearable. You will get through this. Pain can’t physically kill you, although often it feels like it can.

And mine was diagnosed BPD by a professional.

[1stTimer]

Not just common but pretty standard as I found out here. Most of the stories are similar. I had a girl pressure me for weeks/months to commit to her and discuss wanting me to move and buy a home for us,pushed me into an Official Dinner to formally ask her to be my gf, spent the next day planning out our future (er, I just said let's be exclusive) down to whether she would keep or job or not when we moved in together and how her entire extended family was dying to meet me and how we needed to buy a king size bed to sleep in together until we found the place we wanted to buy together and the next day said 'look you're a great guy I don't want to have a relationship with you though' as if it was all MY idea and pretty much never spoke to me again and pretended nothing ever happened. To me she was worse than "mean"; she negated reality which messes with one's mind. I followed up a few weeks later in confusion with a really nice letter and all I got back was 'thank you for the nice note I hope you are well'.

Unlike many people here I was not even close to being in love but the negation and discard and utter unreality of it spun me into the ground for awhile so I can imagine having had real feelings for him it must be far worse for you. At least read some of the replies and some of the threads here and see just how common the threads are in all these stories.  The worst think you can do is go down the rabbit-hole of replaying of what he said what you said what it meant because you are literally living in a different reality.  Stay in yours because if you try to go into his or fit his into yours you are going to just do damage for no reason.  You are looking for remorse, for rationality, for closure. Let go of those. They won't happen. As a good friend said, treat yourself with compassion as if you were another person outside of yourself.  Pick something good about YOURSELF that you learned or found and move forward with that. Forward.

[toughday]

Statistic : divorce rates among pwBPD is about the same as for the general population.

Given that over 50% of marriages end in divorce thats not a shock but i would guess its the manner of the end of the r/s thats different. We both have had our own r/s break ups before we met each other. With my expwBPD all her r/s ended badly and they all were supposedly either physically or psychologically abusive to her and she is looking for a good man as they all her previous boyfriends have been awful. i was her good man... i then became like all the others despite doing my absolute hardest to be civil in the face of some awful provocation.

On the other hand i am still FB friends with most fo my exes and good friends with two. All the r/s ended without too much shouting and even though they were hard, as a split would be there was no bad blood bewteen us. I think this is the difference. Also my relationships petered out over time whereas the BPD one just fell off a cliff.