Does Anyone else get raged at by wife only to be bedded an hour later?

[Serenitywithin]

So I am wondering if any one elses BPD Significant other uses SEX as a liptmus test ? My wife raged at me yesterday over nothing because she was having a Bad day. She then apologized a couple of hours later for being grumpy because she could tell I was upset. I have been upset lately at her rages to the point of being ready to divorce several times(she is unaware and I am not threatening her with divorce). She then will make sure to try to have sex with me to make an hour later without having talked about the issue or addressed the problem. I feel like if I dont have sex with her then she will go into a self puty , you dont love me anymore mood and then cold shoulder and no talking for then next few days. If I do have sex with her I think in her mind that she is absolved of the wrong doing and everything is hunky dory...

In the past 5 months since we have been having rocky times since I started setting bounderys, we have a lot of her little flare ups. I still walk on egg shells to try not to set her off, but once she is set off, I tell her about it immediately and disengage. I have told her we cant continue on if she is not in therapy and she went twice and then cancelled the third session because we were going somewhere, but she has not been back and I need to broach it with her to see when she is going back. I jsut dont want to set her off. If it was just for my sake I could live like this but my four children 13 month to 13yr old are being impacted and affected.

But back to my original question. Since we have been having more of her BPD flareups and she is not aware to a certain degree, she is constantly having sex with me(a couple of years ago I would have loved the sex), and dont get me wrong I love sex but it is like she uses it as a way to gauge where I am at in being angry with her. I never withhold it form her as biblical I believe it is a duty, but at teh same tiem last night my feeling were raw, I did not want any but because I was upset and she knew it she put n a skimpy dress and came and woke me up after I had went to bed. I obliged but several times she asked me what was wrong and if she does nto turn me on anymore? After about 1.5 hours of nonstop intercourse I was too tired to go on and faked a finish which she figured out and then got her feeling hurt that she dont turn me on, but with last night and several other recent encounters the sex after a fight is almost more like work than pleasure for me and like last night there was no end so I made one due to physically being out of power.  I am a person who enjoys sex to the point of wanting it everyday and even more than once a day when things are going well... I am not sure if last night is a sign that I am at my wits end and losing interest because of emotional intimacy that is lacking due to me not being able to talk to my wife about normal things without fear of being raged at?

Curious if others have been on this particular roller coaster/

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[Inquisitive1]

I've been there. At some point, you may just have to let her know you're not interested in sex at the moment. You could soften the blow, no pun intended, by letting her know you love her, but just aren't in the mood for it at this time. Sure, there may be drama over this, especially the first time, but it may be worth it to get to a new level of honesty where you don't have to fake it.

Regarding her going to therapy. My experience, and I dare say many other partners experience, is that you can't force someone else to do therapy. I encourage intermittently, to little effect. If you push hard, she's likely to push back. I think you may have to think where your boundary is with that.

Regarding all the flair ups you mention, I encourage you to closely examine your own behavior. Are there steps you could take, or tactics you could use (SET, FOG, etcetera) to decrease those flair ups. When I did that a few years ago i realized that I did a lot of things that triggered my wife and I was able to significantly improve our life by being less reactive to her flair ups. It'll never be perfect, but its a lot better. To be clear, I don't know your situation or your wife. My suggestion to examine yourself and use tactics may be reasonable or it may be completely off base.

Best of luck, I1

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear of the situation you are in.  As you describe things, you tell us how you giving in to her when you're past your limit actually ends up worse for her feelings, rather than better.  How might you be true to yourself, and compassionate to her?

RC

[Seashore]

Oh gosh, can I ever relate to your situation. I am new here, and can’t really offer any advice. I still have so much to learn. I can tell you though that my uBPD H will rage at me for hours and will want to cap it off with sex. Sometimes it’s to calm himself down, but other times it’s a way to get me to “apologize”. He think: she must be sorry if she’ll have sex. Umm, not really. If I say no, it usually results in either days of silent treatment culminating in another tantrum or worse, another rage immediately that is even worse than the first. On a few occasions, he hasn’t really been done with his rage, and mid-intercourse, will begin splitting. If I wasn’t in the mood before and was merely placating him, once he splits and starts calling me a wh**e, then it’s really over for me. Then, he really goes off the deep end.

Anyway, it’s always a gamble. If I give in, I’m “admitting fault” and validating whatever wretched ideas he has in his head, or, if I deny him, I’m validating the other wretched ideas he has about me or that I don’t love him. It’s no win, just like every other situation we are put in by our troubled partners.  Even when it’s true “make up sex” it’s hard for me to truly relax and enjoy, or be really passionate about it like he is, because unlike him, I don’t suffer from amnesia and the euphoric post rage high like he does.

I always feel like it’s a test that has no right answers.

On another thread, I’m working with the folks here and my T to start setting boundaries (not related to sex or physical intimacy) so I can work up the skill and strength to stand up for myself better when it comes to sex and my body.  Like you, I feel as though within a marriage, meeting our partner’s “needs” when it is not mutually desired is a duty we should do out of love-sometimes-but is a gift that should be received with love and gratefulness. I suppose the trick for those of us in this situation is figuring out when the gift of dutiful sex can be properly received. And, as with any act of generosity, one must have something to give in the first place. I for one am waayyy too emotionally drained lately to be giving of anything, especially to someone who can’t be thankful.

As with any other subject, I’m thinking the first step will be to have the conversation with yourself about what you really want and feel about the topic. Then, when you have it all sorted out, and the both of you are calm, a carefully constructed conversation would be next. After that, I don’t know. I’m still working on step one. I have quite a bit of sorting out to do.

Keep posting, and keep reading. We’ll get through this.

~SS