New Member: Three months of no contact and I'm hurting

[Applecarter]

hi everyone,
i'm 3 months into no contact with a BPD/NPD ex and am at my new low. i'm probably also at my cognitive dissonance's high, as i try unsuccessfully to process a relationship that strictly obeyed all of the keywords on this board (gaslighting, emo dysregulation, rage, etc.). tonight is especially hard, as i'm still here working through lots of pain and the ex is posting photos of a thrilling, perfect life.

[Getoverit]

Hi applecarter, I'm sorry you are hurting and that despite having done the right hung i.e. no contact, you are finding yourself thinking about your ex still.

I returned to this site because I too have been in no contact, yet I am increasingly becoming angrier about his own "thrilling, perfect life."

Please try to remember that they are just photos. They are deliberately available for others to see so as to communicate a message and that's all they are. There is no truth--only depictions. Maybe this doesn't make sense. I'm emotional myself and not able to articulate very well at the moment, but I wanted to reply so that you understand that you're not alone in having faced someone like this. People have different ways of coping and somemtimes denial and lying to oneself is the only way to get by. My partner actually believed his own lies and it was infuriating to see how he could be so happy while I am now feeling damaged beyond repair.

It will take time and work, but you can survive this. There are many others on this site who have been through hell and back and through hell again and then back.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you manage your emotions? Are you doing things for yourself to help you heal and feel better? Baby steps, and you will get further away from the toxicity and closer to inner peace for yourself. You must believe it.

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Applecarter!  I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time.

It is hard to see your ex post about their wonderful, new life when you are still working your way through the pain.  It is not fair and makes things seem so out of balance.

After a pwBPD has discarded you, they will go through a sort of honeymoon phase.  This is part of the cycle.  Because they do not want to take responsibility for their own lives and choices, they desperately want to believe that you were the cause of all their problems.  They think that if you are the cause of all the problems then they will solve all their problems by getting rid of you.

Those first few months they will be able to keep up the fantasy.  You’ll likely see a lot of pictures posted on social media at this time because they want everyone else to believe that you were the problem.  The last thing they want is for others to guess that there might actually be problems with them.

It is all illusion.  Just like a magician will draw your attention away from what he is actually doing during a magic trick, so will pwBPD do whatever they can to keep others from noticing the void within them.  But like any illusion, it cannot be maintained forever.

How are you feeling now?  It takes time and work but things do get better.  When night falls, it doesn’t last forever.  Morning comes in time.

[Sirnut]

Hello applecart, thanks for posting.

I’d like to suggest that social media posts are a very poor guide to what is really going on in a person’s life. They just show the front that the person wants to present to the world, maybe to convince themselves as well as everyone else that they’re happier than they really are. It’s not real, especially for a person who is emotionally unstable. I know my ex’s life has been in turmoil for years but there’s not a trace of that on her FB page, which if you look at it would make you think her life was an unbroken series of triumphs. That’s just the narrative she wants everyone to believe, even herself. But it’s not real, so don’t be taken in by these things. Better yet, try not to look.

I know it hurts when this special person can apparently cut you out of their life with ridiculous ease, as though the relationship with you meant nothing. It really hurts. But don’t envy them the ability to flick the switch on you like that - it’s not real either. In my experience they don’t really forget the relationship, they just put it in a box where they will have to deal with it later. It’s avoidance, not healing, it’s not healthy for them and it doesn’t bring them any joy.

You don’t have to be like that. The hard but ultimately more healthy road is to work through the grief, find the support you need, focus on where you’re heading in life, and on what this experience will mean as part of your life story. The pwBPD isn’t well placed to follow a path like this, but you can. These are things you can work on. It takes time but you can get there.

Keep posting to let us know how you’re going.

[Mindfried]

There is no easy answer because the emotional pain becomes unreal and sometimes too much to bear. The one thing that seems to help me is looking back and trying to recall anytime she was supportive and I can never come up with one instance. Her words were amazing but her actions were void. So try to remember one time when your partner was supportive and if you cannot remember anytime then the next question is are you better off without him. As much as it hurts if you are better off without him then be thankful there is no contact. There is less drama and less conflict in your life. You finally have peace. You never know what the tide is going to bring in today. someone great is right around the corner you just have to have faith.

[Mutt]

Hi applecart,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily I'm sorry that this happened I can understand how difficult that would be deciding to go no contact is really difficult because this is someone that you were really close to at one time I bet that many here would not have thought that they would evenutally have to go NC to with their pwBPD.

A lot of people here get what you're going through it's hard to relate to someone if they haven't gone through the experience for example it's hard for someone to understand how painful divorce if they didn't go through their own divorce you can sympathize probably partly empathise but fully understand? My point is it helps to talk to others that are in a similar situation as you.

How long were you together? What led to the break-up?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Applecarter,

Joining the others in saying hi and welcome to the board.  I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time right now.   

You're in the right place.  We've all either been there or are right there with you at the same stage.  It helps to talk about it, so share all you like and I'd encourage you to join other discussions as there is much to be gained from doing so. 

One article I often introduce, because it helped me so much to reframe my thoughts, is this one: Surviving a BPD Breakup The reason I'm sharing this is because if you had to pin down what is hurting most right now, you may find that it relates to one of the ten beliefs that can keep you stuck.  That equally may not be the case, however I feel that this article in itself is a really useful read, so perhaps you'll share any of the beliefs you feel apply to you right now.  It helped me enormously to have things to focus on for myself and as I one by one let go of those beliefs I was able to see progress as I moved forwards.  I hope it is helpful for you too. 

Keep talking, we're listening. 

Love and light x