Fifteen years

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. My spouse is an undiagnosed adult child of a borderline Mom. I first became aware of BPD early in my relationship with my mother in law, and over the years, have begun to see traits in my spouse. We are at a terrible place in our life as we just lost one of our two children to an illness earlier this year. We are in therapy together and individually. We are in very different places in our grieving and we are totally at odds all the time now, over everything. He is in denial and staying super busy and criticizing me constantly. I am sick from the stress of it all and just need to rest and be treated gently, which he interprets as laziness.

Our 15 year wedding anniversary is coming up and all I feel is pain.

[Unspun]

Hello. My spouse is an undiagnosed adult child of a borderline Mom. I first became aware of BPD early in my relationship with my mother in law, and over the years, have begun to see traits in my spouse. We are at a terrible place in our life as we just lost one of our two children to an illness earlier this year. We are in therapy together and individually. We are in very different places in our grieving and we are totally at odds all the time now, over everything. He is in denial and staying super busy and criticizing me constantly. I am sick from the stress of it all and just need to rest and be treated gently, which he interprets as laziness.

Our 15 year wedding anniversary is coming up and all I feel is pain.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Unspun, and

first, my heart goes out to you. losing a child is an unimaginable pain, one of the worst that exists.

such a loss will put tremendous pressure on the strongest of relationships, the strongest of bonds. and none of that really helps, im sure.

what are the two of you at odds over, and what is he criticizing you about? how is all of this being processed in your couples therapy?

lastly, how is your other child taking it? it must be so hard.

[Radcliff]

Let me join once removed in welcoming you.  I am so sorry for the loss of your child, and can understand how gentleness and caring is what you need right now.  bpdfamily is a nurturing community where you can find support, and learn coping tools.

Are you able to let go of expectations about his grieving process and accept that it will be different than yours?

Can you tell us more about his behaviors that are painful to you?  Some detail about the situations and what is said?

RC

[Unspun]

Thanks to both for your replies. This seems like such a kind, affirming place.

Our other child is managing to do ok without her sibling, although it is terribly hard and she is in therapy as well. Some of DH's behaviors affect her as well and she is getting old enough to know that it’s abnormal.

We seem to be at odds over... well, any and every little thing. My spouse is very controlling and wants things done his way right away, but often changes the goals midway without telling us until we have failed to meet them. He expects me to know what his needs are and take care of them, again without communicating them. When I don’t meet his needs, whatever they may be, he becomes angry and snippy, and/or lapses into hours of huffing silently and refusing to speak or respond.

He is also very controlling with privacy and personal space... .getting upset and paranoid when I close and lock the bathroom door, for instance. If I am out of the house, I have to check in with him often or he will become suspicious, and interrogate me over small things. In the past he has interfered in my attempts to have friendships or jobs outside the house.

Some of these things get brought up in therapy, but always seem to end in him blaming me for every conflict, twisting things around to make him seem like a victim to my irrationality.

He is also deeply enmeshed with his mother - which has become even worse since our loss.

I am working on my own, in therapy, to better tolerate my own intense emotions, and detach from his. I have been in therapy on my own for many years due to childhood abuse, so I have some practice in observing my own issues and confronting them. I feel disheartened that he is not willing to do the same.

I am willing to accept that his grief will look very different to mine. I have been working on finding compassion for his difficulties. But sometimes, just sometimes I want to hear a real apology from him, or even a positive comment or two! My hope for our future now is that we survive it, not that it will change.

[Radcliff]

I can absolutely relate to your desire for an apology, and am sorry that they are so rare, if at all.

I'm glad you are here.  With his controlling behaviors, things could get worse.  Interfering with your friendships and outside work is a big red flag.  It is not uncommon for BPD and domestic abuse to exist at the same time.  It's not clear where one starts and the other begins, but what matters most is the impact on you.  Boundaries are key.  If you start working to build your boundary skills, and he doubles down on control, you are going to need more support.

Do you feel physically safe?  Are your e-mail communications monitored by him, or are they secure?  Does he have access to your phone and your call logs?

The irony is that as the higher functioning partner, you may find sometimes that you have controlling behaviors as you're trying to keep things from going off the rails.  It can be one big mess.  The trick is to figure out when to be flexible and when to be firm.  Since you're recovering and growing yourself, and have both the support of a therapist and your involvement here, your coping skills should continue to grow, which is good!

Can you give us an example of when he wanted things done his way right away?

RC

[once removed]

hi Unspun,

you know, my dad could be much the same way when it came to someone elses grief. i think that for a lot of people, someone elses grief can be scary, they have a hard time understanding it, and may not want to. in response, they can be unfair, or downright mean. looking back, my dad did try to show sympathy/love in some ways, usually cooking was his method. does your husband do anything like that?

im sorry to hear that youre not really getting anywhere with him in therapy, but i think youre right that it will help to detach from his intense emotions, and work through your own. its hard to do with that pressure, no doubt.

have you ever had a conversation with him in times of calm (or otherwise) where you clearly state your needs, and how he can support you?

[Unspun]

Thank you for the follow up questions! Just to be clear, these behaviors have been present in my marriage since long before our loss. The grief is only exacerbating the existing problems... .being in couples grief therapy with him is forcing us both to discuss these things more. Perhaps there is a bit of an extinction burst at play here... .one can hope?

I do feel safe, and have a plan in place to stay safe. He has at times snooped on my phone, email and so on. I know he still looks through the phone logs, and may have access to my text messages. There’s nothing to hide, of course, and in the past I have freely given him my passwords, but the time I did change my phone pin without telling him about it, he found out soon after and was quite upset!

There are some different examples of the controlling/demanding... .some more overt and others less obvious. Standing over me while I am sick in bed, and demanding that I get up to go work with him on an (albeit important) house project - that's pretty clear, and has been consistent for years. I have a chronic pain condition and it’s caused much extra suffering because I can not live up to his expectations.

Another example might be... .setting up situations where he changes the rules, making me think I am doing the right thing, but then getting mad because I didn’t check with him again first to make SURE I was doing the right thing. We get into many situations where he gets mad because I questioned him about how he changed the rules. I am often just seeking clarity, but he seems to think I am attacking him?

Well... .I’ve got a lot more reading to do... .I just got an e-book version of the High Conflict Couple. Plus there are some workshops here I have bookmarked to read!

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you feel safe.  Regarding the lack of privacy on e-mail, and with texts and phone logs, I've been in your shoes.  I didn't have anything to hide, and in fact sometimes it was helpful for my wife to have access to my e-mail and I to hers (do you have access to his?  Not that I'm saying you should, just curious about parity).  Here's the issue, though -- even though you have nothing to hide, his presence in these areas exerts a constant pressure on you that you may not even notice all the time.  For example, you might want to send an e-mail to a girlfriend about wanting to do something together sometime, or follow a lead on a potential job, yet censor yourself because you worry about what he might think.  Since maintaining your own independence is so important, I wanted to point out this pitfall.  I know some things like keeping him out of call logs (if he controls the family phone account) might be impractical, and you've got a lot of fish to fry.  Just something to think about.

High Conflict Couple is an excellent book.  Let us know what you think!

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with a chronic pain condition.  When he stood over you and demanded that you help, what did you do?

RC

[once removed]

Just to be clear, these behaviors have been present in my marriage since long before our loss. The grief is only exacerbating the existing problems... .

understood, and that makes sense. its just, no doubt, a real struggle to cope with that level of grief with added pressures.

There’s nothing to hide, of course, and in the past I have freely given him my passwords, but the time I did change my phone pin without telling him about it, he found out soon after and was quite upset!

i agree with Radcliff that theres a fine line between having nothing to hide, and having privacy. my mom used to say "i have no passwords on my computer, its out in the open, and anyone could sit down and go through it at any time. and if they did, id quickly have a password on my computer". one thing ive realized though is that couples all deal with this stuff very differently, and how they do has a lot to do with their interdependent values and boundaries. as an introvert, i need a lot of space and privacy. other couples, for example, have shared email or facebook accounts. transparency in a relationship, i think is good. pressure can reduce trust on both sides.

I have a chronic pain condition and it’s caused much extra suffering because I can not live up to his expectations.

chronic pain is one of the worlds most difficult things to live with, and often times, one of the least understood. people wont necessarily be mindful, and make requests (or demands) and it can feel utterly invalidating. ive had herniated discs in my back for years, was invited to play some frisbee golf, would have loved to but reminded my friend of my herniated discs, and was "informed" that exercise can help. i reminded him that id just done months of it with a chiropractor and it hadnt. he meant well, but its frustrating and hurtful, so i sympathize and empathize.

Well... .I’ve got a lot more reading to do... .I just got an e-book version of the High Conflict Couple. Plus there are some workshops here I have bookmarked to read!

we have another couple here reading that book, and it comes highly recommended. do you think theres any chance your husband would be open to reading it? i ask because while couples therapy sounds like its tough going, it might help if you each individually had something to sink your teeth into, potentially something you could even bond over.

im glad youre digging into the workshops, too, theres a wealth of knowledge there that can really build your skills and perspective. while youre at it, id encourage you to take a look at our recently overhauled Learning Center; lot of insight into our partners, their struggles, and ours there too!: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0