What Does It Mean to Detach With Love?

[Lollypop]

 

I first heard of “detaching with love” 7 years ago at a weekly anonymous meeting for families coping with addictions. I stopped going because I couldn’t understand why I’d turn up each eeek and spend my time whining when actually I was supposed to be detaching.  My own mind playing tricks and confusing me at a time when I was at my most desperate. I figured by stopping my meeting attendance I was detaching. I didn’t put my faith in the process and also felt that “detaching with love” would be impossible for me. I loved him so much!

Detaching meant for me four things:

Letting go by not having any expectations of my son27 for myself (like birthday cards) or him (treatment, job). Like Mommae, I took a hands off attitude - particularly letting go of what were his problems as they were his responsibility.

Choosing not to rescue, believing that he’d find a way to live independently (either on benefits if he couldn’t work or on a job). This was a leap of faith, he refused benefits and we stopped giving him money but provided free food and board.

Leaving my judgment of him and his choices behind. Trying to remember that Resentments, anger and frustrations are just wasted energy.

Finally understanding that I had no power to change him.  By changing my approach I could restore my sanity, self respect, peace and be a happier person.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and, believe me, I was a slow learner!  Finding a way to still feel that we love each other, despite the problems.

I find parenting hard. My 17 year old is challenging me now. I feel better prepared but I’m dealing with new behaviours, like being sworn at but he makes it like a joke. I need some tools and confidence.  I could walk away at that moment - this is another way to detach that I’ve just thought of.

Thanks for bumping this thread!

LP .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

WendyDarling,

Thank you for bumping this up!

Enmeshment is the word I've been trying to find the last couple of weeks.  

My question for everyone is, are you able to stay detached when your kid calls you constantly to tell you their problems and vent? I'm an empath and inevitably find myself pulled back in when that happens. Not really to the extent of trying to change her, anymore, but I definitely felt obligated to listen and try to help. I've also tried just validating, too, for long periods of time. that's all I did last year, and she was still mad at me for not 'parenting' her.

This time I actually feel like she was trying to keep us enmeshed, and it wasn't working, so she got frustrated and gave up finally. I'm not sure if that makes sense but that's what it feels like.

I'm not really capable of being there to listen to someone all the time and stay detached. I think it's a quantity thing. Spending 2 hours a day on the phone is more than I can handle. And with her, if I didn't pick up, or tried to keep it short, explaining that I was tired, or busy, it would inevitably lead to another round of her telling us that we are too busy to be her parents.

I really think with our daughter, there is something beyond BPD going on there. I think with all of the trauma she's experienced, and her many years in foster care, there are extra levels of attachment issues going on.

[wendydarling]

Hyacinth Bucket sorry for the late reply

Enmeshment is the word I've been trying to find the last couple of weeks.  

This time I actually feel like she was trying to keep us enmeshed, and it wasn't working, so she got frustrated and gave up finally. I'm not sure if that makes sense but that's what it feels like.

I really think with our daughter, there is something beyond BPD going on there. I think with all of the trauma she's experienced, and her many years in foster care, there are extra levels of attachment issues going on.

I agree it certainly seems from what you've shared her ultimate aim is to keep you enmeshed, this is ingrained behaviour, and there are extra levels of attachment issues going on …… have you thought what they might be, you mention reparenting, this is enmeshment too.

Your question, are you able to stay detached when your kid calls you constantly to tell you their problems and vent? You've made progress this week, monitoring texts/emails, choosing when, what to respond to, what works for you. You've stopped the loop to loop. You mention your, fear anxiety and guilt on another thread, working through FOG, do you want to talk about it here?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi WD,

Thank you for replying!

I think most of our fear, obligation and guilt center around what she experienced before we met her. I certainly hoped that we can heal some of what she'd been through with consistency and love. but consistency at some point turned into not "giving up" on her and bailing her out. That really didn't start until she decided to go live with her biological mom a couple Christmases ago.  I saw what bio mom was doing to her and understood why my D was allowing it to happen. I still think we made the right choices, I don't think allowing her to be homeless because of bio mom would have been the right thing. But unfortunately I think it still set a precedent for her that I would always be there to listen at 2 in the morning and bail her out of messes.

So as soon as I started setting up boundaries again, all she could see was us "distancing" ourselves from her. This summer I felt a lot of guilt about that, and probably spent too much time listening to her warped view on things.  

I think at this point obligation is the one I still struggle with. I feel obligated to respond to her when she messages me. I know how she feels about silence, it terrifies her and was used as a weapon against her in her family of origin.  So it's been pretty hard for me to not respond. But I think it's getting easier. Especially now that I've told her we won't help, there really isn't much to say.