I love my ex - he might just end contact

[FaithfulInLove]

I just wanna continue this locked post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330409.0

To sum up the situation:

I'm broken up with my long-distance fiancé for more than a year, kept him in my life as a friend. He had other relationships inbetween, his last girlfriend broke up with him recently and he is hurting.
We had some open and honest talks lately for the first time since we are broken up. He admits we had a great time together but he still has issues trusting me because of me being selfish in the past and because of what his other girlfriends did to him.

Recently he said it is still possible that we could get back together.
Last week he lashed out at me and blocked me everywhere because of a small argument. At the moment he is trying to decide if he still wants me in his life and I'm trying to give space and told him he can take his time.

I'm feeling torn because he sais it feels like I don't care about him while he is the one pushing me away (told me to never talk to him again on Monday, just to text me again the next day, telling me I never cared... .).

I'm looking for advice how to handle the situation to have the best chances of rekindling our relationship/save this friendship. I miss him and I am scared to lose him completely.

Thank you,

FaithfulInLove

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

I just wanna continue this locked post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330409.0

I'm feeling torn because he sais it feels like I don't care about him while he is the one pushing me away.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I just want to help. Semi-new here so still rough around my support edges so bear with me ok

Heads up, I haven't read the other thread, just what you wrote here.

It may very well feel to him like you don't care, reality is not important here, feelings are. Even if you care and show it to him he may still doubt, don't JADE it (I don't have the link but look in the lessons sticky thread), it's not your fault.

Ok so you do want him in your life. This is him in your life, there is no magic pill here, he is who he is, can you accept him like this?

Next point, you want change for the better, that's good, but you cannot force change upon him, only set your own boundaries which he may or may not agree to following, are you ok with him overstepping those boundaries? if not, are you willing to stand your ground and follow through with consequences for when he does?

people struggle with these issues for decades even and for you to want him in your life has to mean to you that you will have to deal with this too.

We are here to provide support for each other. we cannot force YOU to change, we cannot force you to be strong, that comes from within, we can be here for you and encourage you to grow, provide a space for you to vent and recharge; ultimately you will be the one going out to the world to engage in this relationship, so give it your best, we'll be cheering for a better future for you.

Be strong, be courageous, and like someone told me, learn the tools.

Hope it all goes well.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello and welcome, itsmeSnap!
I think what you wrote there is perfectly summing up the advice I got here since I joined the forum, so thank you a lot for reminding me and if you are new here you really are learning fast!

What can I say?
That guy means the world to me - I am ready to put up with this hurtful behaviour - and I am scared of setting boundaries, don't know how to tell him what hurts me because he seems to be able to cut me out of his life so easily while I really just want to keep him in mine.

Especially now I think I gotta be careful with what I'm saying, or he'll be gone for good.

When I told him I thought it was disrespectful that he asked me if I would join him on a trip - and then suddenly he was unsure if he wants me there - it made him completely lash out and block me everywhere, so that's why I am scared of critisising his behaviour.

I can not pull through with consequences - cause which consequences can I come up with when we live so far away from each other and when the consequences on his side would propably be cutting me out of his life?

I see it is not good how he is having complete control over me - I do not know how to gain it back. I have already told him I will not wait any longer to get to know other guys when he doesn't come to me so we both can work out our problems and make a relationship work again together... .
I feel like that was some kind of me setting a boundary.
But the actual truth is that no guy has a real chance with me, cause wouldn't I just leave them all for the love of my life?

[itsmeSnap]

I see it is not good how he is having complete control over me - I do not know how to gain it back.

I feel like that was some kind of me setting a boundary.
But the actual truth is that no guy has a real chance with me, cause wouldn't I just leave them all for the love of my life?

Part one: maybe try to not be in control for a moment, see what happens, be in the moment not in the future or the what ifs.

My gf broke up with me after what I considered the perfect month, no discussion no nothing, then full radio silence.

I panicked and tried contacting her everywhere, nothing. So I came here, heard what I needed to hear and now I wait and try to be a better non haha and talk to others in crisis mode I guess, someone helped me I'm just paying it forward.

My point is, I accepted that I'm not in control here, she is, and it's not all bad, she can come back on her own time, or maybe never who knows, that's her decision. I still want it to work but takes two to tango and she knows this, we talked a lot about it.

So I wait, I know what to expect, I have other dating options but I will not take them just yet, for me she's worth the wait.

But yeah definitely will work with her so that I don't trigger her the same way again (I was a bit retreating, turns out a perfect month is just as exhausting as a bad one), if she comes back around that is.

Part two: speaking of not dating anyone else because you love him, that's ok!

But also think in terms of not being always close all the time with him. I learned the hard way even people with high needs for contact (like BPDs in "good" mode, or like me haha) can be overwhelmed, now imagine that but with a constant fear that not being together means he'll disappear forever off the face of the earth and you get what you both are quite likely experiencing rn.

So work on your "out of sight, not out of reality" skills, if he "cheats" you have to know how far you're willing to go, maybe an open relationship? Its almost 2019 even nonBPD people do crazy things in the name of love these days haha remember, YOU are the agent of change here, he can tag along.

Hope I wasn't too harsh, trying to keep it casual, it felt weird to me when people approached me in crisis mode like I was made of thin glass (stop walking on eggshells anyone?), so I don't haha just trying to help!

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey itsmesnap, I am currently seeing another guy - I mentioned him to my ex once - I am not rubbing this in his face to hurt him, but he will know what I am doing cause well... .suddenly I am not always available to talk to him anymore cause I'm busy giving attention to someone else... .

I scared this could be a reason for him to leave.
Compared to him, the new person just means nothing (I know him for a week only, I'd be completely ready to stop seeing him if my ex only told me that we could work OUR relationship out... .).

How do you think I should proceed with this? The new guy wants a commited relationship with me - so far I told him things are going too fast for me and I can't do this yet, but I can't keep things on hold forever, he does not deserve to be pulled into this chaos.

I am scared my ex will stop talking if I keep having less time for him. He does not always want to talk to me, but he sometimes asks me to talk while the new guy is around and of course I then have to tell my ex then that I can't talk - which must feel like painful rejection for my him, although the truth is I'd rather talk to him... .

[FaithfulInLove]

By the way:
My ex is travelling to a place where we have made beautiful memories together... .
And after his silence yesterday, he texted me today, told me that he is going there - with a crying emoji... .Then he sent a message when he arrived and said that he'll tell me about today when I was showing interest in hearing about it... .

While we are having nice interactions on that app, I am still blocked everywhere else which shows me I'm still not fully welcome in his life... .This is extremely painful for me... .
You can say social media shouldn't bother me, but that's where we met and it always has been a place for us to stay in touch.

My idea of handling this would be just waiting a bit longer until he has less stress and hopefully changes that all by himself... .or if not... .maybe setting a boundary and ask him to treat me like an actual friend?
Just... .if he does not want to unblock me... .there just are no consequences, cause what can I do... .?

[Beneck]

You've probably shared this already, but can you remind us what his age is (approximately) and whether he's done therapy or doing therapy right now?

[FaithfulInLove]

He's 23 and not in therapy (but I am).
He is aware of having problems, but is probably afraid of the costs... .I'd love to push him to therapy but right now I don't feel like in a position to do so.

His family knows his strange moods but doesn't see a psychological problem in them, so no real support regarding therapy from there.

He isn't diagnosed, but I'd say the traits are clear.

[FaithfulInLove]

I have a few friends who are educated about people with BPD as dealing with them is part of their profession.

They say it sounds as if my ex was (probably unconsciously) enjoying having control over me and all the power in our relationship.

I'd agree and I don't think our romantic relationship has another chance if the dynamics don't change.

Any idea what I could do here... ?

[itsmeSnap]

Hello again

You guys seem to want to be happy by being sad about it. Let me explain:

If you play into the sadness he'll know sadness = attention, so you'll just get sadder and sadder interactions for the sake of him getting some attention, which he's probably craving just as much as you are. You did mention he seemed to want to engage when you did too, so maybe just a change of tone is needed, that comes from you (again, YOU are the change).

Try rewarding the attention with happiness, be extra happy when HE contacts you from a happy place.

It is my experience with my gf that "consecuences" is not really about "get punished", more like "get less rewarded". In keeping positive it doesn't feel like rejection (as much) but she could tell something happened.

We make our own reality, make it a good one, good luck!

[FaithfulInLove]

I feel punished for nothing when he stops talking to me out of nowhere

So you think sharing with him that his behaviour is a problem for me is a bad idea?

And that I should just stick to the plan of not giving him attention if he doesn't give attention to me (=don't doubletext, don't  be too eager by replying within seconds when he is taking hours or days to text me?)

Last night he just went silent again after we did have good interactions. On Twitter (where I am still blocked) he is complaining about nobody being there for him if he needs it... .

I'd love to scream "Helloo, I've told you a thousand times, give me a call if you need someone and I'll be here!"
But well... .first of all he doesn't know I still know a way of reading his tweets and second - I don't think it would change anything if I'd tell him for the thousand and first time.

[itsmeSnap]

I feel punished for nothing when he stops talking to me out of nowhere

So you think sharing with him that his behaviour is a problem for me is a bad idea?

Last night he just went silent again after we did have good interactions. On Twitter (where I am still blocked) he is complaining about nobody being there for him if he needs it... .

First part: I know the feeling.

I had the most perfect month ever with my gf, then three days of me being busy (I have a thread about this with full details [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330740.0] read on it and give me advice if you can) and she disappeared off the face of the earth. Someone commented on how my being a bit retreating caused her to trigger, so it's never "nothing", if they feel its real, it is real to the them.

Sharing is not the problem, I had told my gf about her behavior and how it affected her relationships and ours in particular, I had a way to tell her as if it was someone else in her shoes instead of directly to her so that made it (I think at least) less personal so she could see my point and agree to its merits and how it applied to her. She would always tell me "whatever it is you're doing its working" and even then I would reply "I don't do miracles, I've done nothing, you make it so" and she would be ok with it.

Again, my experience, your mileage may vary.

And about not giving attention, when she would get angry about me not answering right away I would just continue as if those messages didn't exist. Once (leading up to the blocking so use with caution) she sent me the cutest good morning text ever, I was busy so I couldn't read it, she texted again saying she was kinda upset I didn't answer right away even though she would take ages to reply to me (still upbeat tone), then she dropped the "Get back on your phone right now".

Obviously I couldn't have known about it, I was busy hadn't checked my phone, so I just said "I'm back" about an hour later when I had some time. We had the most awesome night of texting after that.

Point is, she knew she was not right, I knew it, I just wanted to be with her, so I didn't say anything about her "neediness" (she warns me about this so her words also not mine) and just got on with our thing. Next time maybe just get on with the good part and leave out all the rest?

I know not exactly the same situation, here I was the one not making contact right away but still, she would take forever to text and I would just answer back same as nothing happened, then tell her I had to go do something else, she would "fight it" but I would just tell her we'll talk soon in the most romantic way I could (this is something I figured out, she wanted to feel wanted even as I was saying goodbye, it defused her in so many situations. I know woman =/= man as in your situation but worth noting maybe?). As soon as she said her goodbyes I knew it was ok to disengage.

She knew it was because she took too long, she knew she wanted more time from me, and she told me she was aware of the situation, we sort of developed an ad-hoc schedule after a few days (not a word spoken about it though, it just "was"). So yeah, just be consistent is what I'm trying to say, not "do this or do that".

Of course now that I'm blocked I want to spend every second with her haha but I still haven't figured out how to get her back to talking mode, maybe someone else has some advice for us both.

Second part: I know the feel!

She blocked me, I had a friend of her reach out just to make sure she was ok. Haven't heard since, not her, not her friend (I'm probably evil incarnate in her eyes rn so yeah) so I admit I'm also stumped on that front.

Sorry for another wall of text haha I'm keyboard happy it seems, should I be more concise with less "story time" next time?

Hey at least we're looking for solutions right? We'll figure it out eventually don't worry. and like that one zombie movie says: in the meantime, let's have a pint and wait for it all to blow over.

Stay strong.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Sharing is not the problem, I had told my gf about her behavior and how it affected her relationships and ours in particular, I had a way to tell her as if it was someone else in her shoes instead of directly to her so that made it (I think at least) less personal so she could see my point and agree to its merits and how it applied to her. She would always tell me "whatever it is you're doing its working" and even then I would reply "I don't do miracles, I've done nothing, you make it so" and she would be ok with it.

I'm curious to know how this is done... How an actual conversation goes with your gf when you are trying to get her to see your perspective...

FIL, I totally relate.  My ex has expressed to me more than before that she is depressed, yet doesn't reach out for help from me.  Now I know that I'm in a catch 22 situation when I know her best and it's a good and bad thing in her eyes, so she reaches out to her best friends who are in the idealization stage at the moment.  If there's one thing that not only one person has told me, but I've read it on threads as well, is that sometimes we have to let them hit rock bottom.  In my personal experience, for the last 3 years, I have been my ex's safety net.  I'm her problem solver and once I solve it, I'm discarded.  After posting and reading several threads and speaking to my counselor, I've learned to just let her be and not be there when she falls each time.  Not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but she seems to be spiraling and heading towards rock bottom.  In the last couple of weeks, she has told me more than twice that she is depressed and isn't able to handle it the same ways she has before.  She has been drinking and getting drunk more often too.  Something that is out of her element.  As much as i want to comfort her and it pains me to see her hurt, I need to let her go through this. I am still in contact with her and remind that I am here for her whenever she needs and i just get a reply of "thank you" and we change the subject.  I have been able to distract myself by taking care of myself. 

I know this is difficult for you, your ex seems to be on  your mind 24/7, (mine was/is too), but if at any point he does come back, you need to be healthy and mindful as well. 

[FaithfulInLove]

Thanks, you two, for sharing your thoughts with me.

I gotta learn your easygoing attitude a bit more, itsmesnap!

Hopefulbutlost, can I ask you about your experiences with "letting her hit rock bottom"?
When you don't chase, does she always get back to you eventually? Or is she judging you too for not caring about her, like my ex does... .
Will this get better when he had time to be alone and think about his behaviour?

What my ex does a lot is retweeting relationship quotes... .Tweets about what a relationship takes... .
And honestly? Those things are true and those things are things I'd be willing to give him... .But can not show him now as we just are not in a relationship!
I sometimes worry that he might think he can't be with someone like me because he's not getting my undivided attention anymore - and he needs attention in a relationship - ... .because I don't ask how he's doing when he's not texting me, because I don't care when he's gone (which is not the case, but l don't show it, l don't text him when he's gone, just like everyone sais l should proceed so he doesn't have full control over me with his silent treatment).

Now I'm blocked everywhere apart from that one app.
I stalk a bit and can see keeps retweeting that stuff - maybe he knows I have my way to read it... I don't know.

Anyway, we did have positive interactions yesterday, since then he's ignoring me again, on Twitter he complains about nobody really being there for him... .
Those things make me wanna reach out, but... .I really want him to come to me... .
How am l supposed to know that he's not okay when I'm blocked and he doesn't tell me? Running behind him now seems wrong to me... .Although everything in me really wants to!

[Bnonymous]

Hi faithfulinlove

I think, regarding reaching out to him, a lot depends on why you're doing it and what you expect from it/him.

I agree that reaching out in a way that comes across as though you're running behind him isn't likely to help. I'd also agree that reaching out in order to get a response from him isn't going to do any good for your peace of mind.

But if you can reach out in a way that gives the twin messages that 1/ you're there and you care, and 2/ you don't mind if he replies or not and are relaxed about his needing space, then that would be different and, personally, I don't think it would do any harm. But it really all depends on whether or not you would then be on edge waiting for a reply, and wondering why if he didn't reply, and feeling crap if you get no response etc. If so, then it's probably better for you to just wait him out.

If you think you could send a simple "Hope you're okay. You know where I am if you want me" text and then get on with other things, it might help him realise he hasn't been abandoned. In my experience (a current BPD boyfriend and a past BPD friend), telling someone to get lost and then feeling abandoned when they take that at face value is pretty par for the course. When my boyfriend is in one of these phases, I try to find a middle ground of BOTH taking him at his word without second-guessing him AND letting him know that I care and will be there if and when he changes his mind.

When he is giving me the silent treatment at a distance, I send occasional no-pressure texts of that nature and I genuinely don't mind whether he replies or not; I'm happy to give him space and wait till he comes back of his own accord. But, in the meantime, I don't want him to feel that he's been forgotten about or give him an excuse to turn it all around in his head and decide I don't care anymore. To me, sending occasional relaxed texts with no expectations of a reply seems to be the right line. But every situation is different.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you so much, Bnonymous... .I completely agree that this is a great thing to do and something one should be doing in a BPD relationship - just in my situation... .

He's not my boyfriend but my ex, I think that might make things look a bit different... .But I'm not sure!
It's him having complete control over me.

One wrong step and I'm cut off, I'm afraid... .And all the time he's looking for someone better than me anyway, over the year he had three other girlfriends so suddenly while he was still keeping my hopes up and I see this is likely to happen again if l don't change my approach - that's how I'm feeling right now... .

He's treating me the way he just feels like, gives me the silent treatment a lot, for days, then comes back, acting as nothing ever happened - while I've been suffering because I felt so abandoned... .
Then he complains when l take a few hours, tells me I'm too busy anyway... .

I think if l keep rewarding his silent treatment with my attention, he'll never learn... I'm always open and positive when he comes back... .But I'm not sure if such a text, even when I'm not asking for a reply, wouldn't make things worse... .

Do you wanna share your thoughts with me after reading this?

[Bnonymous]

Hi faithfulinlove,

You know yourself, him, and the situation better than anyone else and only you know what the right thing to do here is.

Regarding him controlling you with it, I wonder if maybe the bigger issue is not whether you text or not, but whether you let what he's doing get to you: maybe it's partly about how you respond to it inside rather than in actions? It is totally understandable that you feel abandoned and many (maybe most) people in your situation would feel the same. But, while his silent treatment is triggering these reactions in you, he is, to some extent, still controlling you with it, regardless of whether or not you contact him - if that makes any sense? Do you think there might be things you could do to lessen the feelings of abandonment by reminding yourself that your life can still be full even when he's not around, for example spending time with other people or on activities that you find rewarding and enjoyable?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey Bnonymous, thank you so much!

You're absolutely right. l know that's what l should do and I'm doing it most of the time, I'm even dating new people to try and get out of this.
Our break up is more than a year ago but truth is that nothing really distracts me and I'm losing hope it'll get better. I'm in therapy for a year, nothing helps, l just wanna figure out what I can do so he will stop treating me so poorly.

[Bnonymous]

Hi faithfulinlove,

How are you feeling about dating other people? Does it feel like a positive step or does it still feel too soon?

[FaithfulInLove]

Way too soon cause I only want him. But I'm 25, it's good for me seeing I do have other options. I'm just scared of hurting people in the process.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hopefulbutlost, can I ask you about your experiences with "letting her hit rock bottom"?
When you don't chase, does she always get back to you eventually? Or is she judging you too for not caring about her, like my ex does... .
Will this get better when he had time to be alone and think about his behaviour?

Hi FIL,
For the past 3 years, I've always "rescued" my ex.  Whenever she had a problem, I was there to "fix" it.  I never really let her experience life and all it's "loveliness" simply out of wanting to protect her or guide her.  So recently, I felt at some point, she would resent me for not "experiencing life" if she didn't already. I've had some counseling and friends who are counselors who have advised me "let her learn on her own." So this brings me to today... .as mentioned before she has reached out and told me that she's depressed and can't get away with fixing it the way she always has on her own.  Usually, I swoop in to make her feel better and get her mind off it by doing something fun, but we (and I say we, cause I feel I have enabled her in some way) have never really tackled the sources of her depression so that she can learn to overcome it and cope with it. I've learned she needs to do that on her own and learn to ask or actually get help. So with that said, I'm not swooping in to be her knight in shining armour to comfort and take away the pain like before.  Instead, as horrible as this may sound, I'm letting her deal with it in her own way.  She's experiencing a downfall when I have always tried shown her the upside of every bad situation. She's never been a drinker, and I've noticed she's been drinking a lot and more frequent.  In this case, I would usually run to her rescue, or tell her it's not good for her, stop her from drinking, etc.  Now, I take a different approach, i tell her "be careful, I'm here if you need a ride" versus "I'll go pick you up right now and bring you home, everything is going to be okay, I'll take care of you."

Another example, I'm a pretty good judge of character. I've gotten a lot of experience with my job.  I've learned behavior, body language, text, etc.  When, I see her talking to someone new or talking to someone that I personally know and have had interaction with, usually my gut instinct takes off.  In the past, I have expressed my gut feeling and advised her to stay away from certain people or tell her what their intentions are and it would end up in a fight and her telling me that I'm jealous or too protective or that I just wanted her for my own.  I now see I went about things the wrong way now that I've learned about BPD traits.  So now, I let her learn about these "new" people on her own, how they are, and what their intentions are, rather than advising her. 

I say "hitting rock bottom" because as long as I've known her, she has expressed that she is depressed and has never coped with it the way she is now.  She's never been one to go out and drink until she was drunk to "take the pain away" and she's never been one to have a lot of trouble falling asleep (she's been having difficulty going to sleep at a decent hour lately). She's been emotionally dysregulating way more often than normal too. With the knowledge I have acquired, to me, this is spiraling in to a dark place.  Now, I have seen her a couple of times like this before, however I was there to stop it.  (She would threaten self harm). For a long while, she was good.  Didn't have to worry so much as I am worried now.  But I cannot be there to save her if I would like for her to get better.  I know it's not my choice but hers (she did express she wants to change) but I can let her know I'm here to support her. 

My ex used to repost relationship quotes on twitter too, and I used to think the same exact thing "hello, i'm right here. i can give you that and more." It hurt me to see those things, so I blocked her on social media and told my friends not to show me anything, kind of like an out of sight, out of mind type situation. It helped. 

I actually spoke to my ex today (she's in vegas and having a horrible experience due to certain circumstances) and i told her that had I known she went I would've stopped her from going, but at the same time, I'm glad I didn't know she went.  The circumstance she is in right now is not a good one but in a twisted way, I'm glad it happened so she knows exactly who and what she is dealing with.  I told her that had I stopped her she would've resented me for it and she wouldn't have been able to see it for herself.  When I got off the phone with her I received a message saying "I just want to hug you."  What i'm doing thus far has been working for me... I don't give her much attention like before, I give her her space and she does her own thing, I don't ask questions (even though I want to).  I distract myself with work, gym, friends, activities.  Is she on my mind, yes, of course. 

I would have to agree with Bnonymous one a post.  Maybe it's not the fact that he's controlling you per say, but the fact that you're letting what he's doing get to you.  I was in your shoes, and catch myself still to this day, letting it get to me, but I constantly remind myself that it is not my fault, my ex is not well, and I have to take care of myself.  If she were to ever come back, how am I to take care of her and our relationship, if I cannot take care of myself first.  That works for me... .

I don't chase her like before, rather, I give her space. and yes, she does come back looking.  For example, today... I sent her a "good morning" text and instead of her usual response she sent me a "what?" (as in what do you want). Right away, I knew she was in a bad mood so I replied with "okay, I can see you're upset/annoyed so I'm going to give you your space.  Have a good day"  She said she was upset with me and I asked why. She said I knew why and I replied with "if i knew why, I wouldn't be asking" and she responded with "too bad" and I said "okay."  I didn't JADE or beg her for an answer, I knew she was already upset and didn't want to push it.  A few minutes later, I got a phone call from her and she explained her situation in Vegas to me and it all made sense as to why she was upset and acting different this week. 

Sorry for the really long response, just wanted to give you a few examples of what has been working so far.  Don't get me wrong, I still have my bits of insecurity but I'm learning to calm down and re-think my reactions before I make things worse.  It may seem like walking on egg shells but it's actually helped me so much with detaching and not taking things so personal like before (I would be a complete mess and it would consume me; I wear my emotions on my sleeve).

Let me know what you think?

[itsmeSnap]

To hopefulbutlost: they don't hit rock bottom. Their reactions are a survival mechanism, they PREVENT rock bottom but won't take them too far from it, so they keep slipping back.

Suicide is rock bottom, we don't want to push them into this. A bad life is not rock bottom, they've been worse off when they couldn't escape growing up. to them escaping, being risky and being rescued is better than the alternative.

Be mindful of this.

I have to agree with bnonymous on the letting it get to you. You need to know where you HAVE to be stone cold and where you need to be all warm and fuzzy, remember they have a problem with middle grounds.

Thanks for the compliment faithfulinlove!

It helped me out of a bad place pre-BPDgf, I was shy like you wouldn't believe growing up, I had anxiety crises and ended up in the ER a few times thinking I had a heart attack, but no, it was my mind playing tricks on my body.

One day I decided you know what, hit me with that heart attack, I'm ready, whatever happens I want a good life, if it won't last long so be it. And so I stopped worrying.

And the heart problems went away.

I still have flare-ups of anxiety but I can recognize the signs and realize this is panic I'm feeling, let myself feel it but not be overwhelmed by it, it gives me a bit of control I guess, it resolves soon after.

Scary stuff! But I accepted it, it gets better. Hope you guys get better too.

Stay strong.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you so much for your long invested answers.
I'm just reading and trying to process, trying to figure out the right way for me... .
I don't really feel like I do have the energy to answer the way you both deserved... .
I'm just drowning in his silence... .

I don't want to be stone cold and YOU know I am not stone cold, I care so much that it breaks me... .
I don't know if I should reach out to Show him that I care or let him do this... .

Maybe it's easier to ignore someone, if they push you to talk to them all the time, if you know that in a week or in a month, they'll be there waiting for you anyway, no matter if you block them or do punish them than it is when someone stops reacting and you start being scared they'll leave when you continue treating them badly... .?
But maybe it's also easier to ignore them if you're convinced they don't care... .

Maybe this is the reason why I can't stop thinking about it and crying... .because this is a way of caring... .and when I say I care I also wanna feel it... .?
This could be what's happening inside of me at the moment... .

[FaithfulInLove]

New information:

I just found out his recent ex girlfriend got into a new relationship last week although they had only broken up a few weeks back.
Maybe that's why he's dysregulating so much?

His other ex girlfriend who he's been in a relationship with before her and LIVED TOGETHER with for several months has moved on with another guy too a few months ago...

And now there's me telling him there was someone I'm interested in... .

Of course he is hurting and doesn't trust the situation... !

[FaithfulInLove]

A positive update I can share with you tonight:

I didn't say a word, left him space and today he reached back out to me and... .Well, we didn't really get any issue solved, but he talked to me in a sweet way and I believe that when I keep staying really calm, maybe this Friendship can go back to being more stable... .

Thank you for the support on the hardest days, I think I've told him often enough that he can reach out when he's ready that now he knew exactly he could do that

[itsmeSnap]

Hey congrats!

I'm still waiting on someone and I know how bad it feels, hope things get better.

Be prepared for next time though, just in case.

Stay strong.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello itsmeSnap,
I know this probably hasn't been the last time
Thank you for your words and I'm wishing you all the best for your situation, that your loved one will find her way back to you fast!
I don't know what's tougher than such a sudden loss of someone you love... .I feel for you!


Now he's back, while I'm still blocked on social media and he's acting like nothing ever happened.
I just welcomed him back, an now thinking about if this is the right way to handle those episodes? Acting as if everything was okay... ?
I am genuinely happy that he's back, l just don't know if we shouldn't be able to talk about those things... but l am scared that I'm not in a position where he wouldn't just run away again if a bad/critical word slips out of my mouth

[Beneck]

Hey FIL! 

That's great news!

I wouldn't worry about him acting as if nothing ever happened, for now!

Ideally right now I think you should be there for him but with limited expectations. And remember the tools ;)

Though I'd also wait to see what others have to say about this as well.

Really hope things work out for you!

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey Beneck! Thank you for your feedback!

That's exactly what I did, just welcoming him back and not mentioning what happened.

Yesterday we even had a little phone conversation, he asked if he could give me a ring, but since then I didn't hear much from him anymore. I hope things will feel more normal again in a few days and that we'll be able to talk more.

The conversation felt a bit awkward on both ends I think.

[once removed]

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