My ex knows it all now... I love him

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello everyone,

I am a member here since March, trying to get back together with my beloved long-distance ex for over a year, many of you know my story.
Yesterday we had the most honest conversation since forever... .

Only last week he had told me (after his recent break up from another girl) that he is not interested in relationships at the moment. Yesterday then, he told me he feels incomplete without having a significant other by his side, and he can't be just friends and he is looking for someone... .and when I wished him to find what he's looking for, he added that "someone could still include you"... .

I have been all honest then. Told him about how I have recongnised my own mistakes in our relationship. That I thought we could do better together by now - but that if he wants to work things out it must be HIM coming to me, I have been fighting for so long and I don't wanna do this anymore, it takes two. I also told him I recently met someone I can imagine a relationship with, that it's HIM who still owns my heart, but that I can't wait any longer... .

I got an honest apology for what he did to me over the past year... .(always looking for someone else, while keeping my hopes up) and he said I deserve to be happy with the new guy... .He agreed when I said I deserve someone who is sure about me, said he isn't even sure about himself... .

He went silent for a few hours, then came back and wanted to talk to me/spend time (online) in the evening... .I had to say that I am busy... .again... .because I was with the other guy... .Of course he got hurt over this, and even when I was there later and wanted to talk, he didn't get back to me anymore... .which I understand.

I could use some advice on how to handle the situation... .I don't think it is fair when I think of the new person in my life, neither is it for him because such things must hurt him badly... .Putting him second has been our breakup reason - now we are not together, but I'm kind of doing it again... .

I am all confused. I don't know how to go on in all this.
I love my ex and I wanna make it work with him... .I don't know the new guy good enough yet, to say that this is someone I wanna spend my life with... .but he is the first person I could imagine this with, since my ex left a year ago... .

I am torn and could use your open ears/advice... .

Thank you... .for the support over all these months, no matter how confusing things were getting... .

Faithful

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FaithfulInLove]

Is there anyone who actually got their BPD partner back after a long time of being apart?

Is it realistic to really work things out if both partners got hurt a lot?

Any success stories in this forum? I feel like he's making a tiny bit of an effort since he knows that he could lose me for good... .like he's overwhelmed by all his fears but a chance for us is still a possibility. I don't wanna do anything wrong from here.
This is a good place to be after all we've been through and all the times he walked away from me and didn't wanna talk at all... .

[Radcliff]

You have come a long way.  Your involvement with the new person in your life has many benefits -- it shows you that you have choices, that there is more than one person out there who might care for you, that it's OK to learn about yourself and about how different relationships feel to you.  When we know we have choices, it helps us feel stronger about enforcing boundaries and maintaining our own identity -- our own fear of abandonment is lessened in a healthy way.

Your concern about hurting your ex is understandable.  But it's important to differentiate between the concepts of "hurt" and "harm."  Sometimes when we do something that is healthy for us, someone else might feel hurt.  But it is not our job to prevent discomfort for someone else.  Life involves hurt and discomfort.  We can be sensitive and compassionate, but the most important thing is to be honest.

The fact that you couldn't talk to him when you were with the other guy may feel awkward, and you might feel guilty, but it's actually a healthy thing.  The other guy's presence in your life is helping to fill it in a way that prevents your ex from occupying your whole mind.  Even if you end up back with your ex, there will be other things in life -- your work, your friends and interests, possibly kids -- that you need to make space for, and you would need to have the skills to delay your interactions with him sometimes.

I understand the pressure to not lose your ex, and how difficult it is to weigh that against a new relationship.  Do you think you might be able to lift that pressure off of yourself, give yourself permission to get to know the new guy better, with the idea that one he may end up being a better match, or what you learn with him may help you have a more solid relationship with your ex or someone else?

RC

[Euler2718]

Radcliff that was such healthy talk, I think. I can't think in terms of anyone but the person I'm "with"  -- and shes with another now. Talk about disempowered. I am pulling away just to keep my sanity.

As for you and your ex and the new guy -- excruciating decision, eeek. If you weigh your options logically, there's one conclusion, but your heart says another -- how do you deal with such a decision?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello Radcliff, thank you for your advice. I agree with what you said, honesty is so important, cause nothing hurts more than being lied to and I am not responsible for their feelings.

Yes, I want to get to know the other guy better - but I don't think I could see him as a better match... .it sounds hard and it truly is unfair towards him, but right now he is in a replacement position for my ex... .Maybe this might change when I'm giving it much time and get to know him better, but to be all honest, I think he doesn't truly love me either but sees me as "the girlfriend" he was wishing for for so long. I feel easily replaceable for him and not like the one he has actually been looking for .
Actually the new guy feels like someone I should keep some healthy distance from as well... .it's overwhelming how fast he's trying to take things and he seems pretty confused about everything.

What I learn with him can hopefully help me with the realtionship to my ex - it's a chance for me to learn setting boundaries for example. I am pretty bad at this and the new guy is pushy enough for me to get some practice... .but this all sounds so mean! I feel like I'm using him!


Euler2718, it really is a hard decision. But as I just said, giving it time, looking how much effort my ex makes and getting to know the new guy better is the plan for now.


Can I talk to you about how last night went?
My ex asked me if we could spend time in the evening (over text messages as we are long distance) and I have been there, but... .then he did not seem to be really invested. Didn't even wish me a good night when I left. It confuses me how he pushes and pulls and I don't really know how to handle it.
Should I tell him I expect him to fully be there if he asks me to be there? Or should I just act unaffected? It felt like he wanted to hurt me again so actually I don't wanna give him the reaction he wanted to provoke with that behaviour, cause I know it doesn't make anything better... .

Thank you

[Beren2016]

Hi

you have had some great advice here, i would just like to add... .

He may have intense fears of rejection, this could be where the push/pull is coming from and preventing him from making for of a move or any action from him.

just be aware that even if you say out right how you feel to him (as you did) he may still doubt that i some way if, in his eyes, your actions sometimes  dont reflect your words and nerves could be holding him back, even when he has invited you to him home.
 

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you so much for this thought, Beren2016!
I am thinking about this myself a lot and it drives me crazy!

I made it so clear what I want and what I expect from him. Told  him openly that he still "owns my heart" and that I barely know the new person and that I actually still wanna make this work between US both.
I know how he CAN pursue if he wants to be with someone... .He really PUSHED me into our relationship when we first met.

What makes me think that you could be right is that lately he posted things like he is "completely broken" and doesn't know what to do anymore and "just wants to stay at home because people would always hurt and leave him"... .it really is expressing the fear of rejection you have been talking about... .

At the same time:
I am here for over a year, waiting for him to forgive me and to come back... .shouldn't he know that I won't leave him if I got another chance... ?

Yesterday he was tweeting about being rejected by some girl after a nice weekend... .if he is brave enough to make an effort with new girls - strangers! - and keeps being rejected by them - why would he be scared to make an effort with me, who is running after him since he broke up with me?

I don't know if you know the beginning of my story? I was BEGGING to work things out for half a year and put a lot of pressure on him. He even told me I should stop putting it on him and got more and more silent. I wanna avoid this now. That's why I am keeping distance, stay busy and stopped asking... .

Just lately I sent him a link to an event we could go to together and he didn't really answer this, just told me he'll see... .That would really be his chance to invite me over, but not a single word from him... .maybe he just doesn't want to see me?
Would you ask again in my place? Or maybe just plan the trip for myself and ask if he'll be there too?

It would be nice to meet him when he's actually single for once and COULD consider talking about a second chance for us.

[Beren2016]

this sounds like a very difficult position and it seems like there is a lot for history involved.

obviously i don't know how your BF exhibits his BPD, so i can only comment with my experience with my Girlfriend. i hope this makes sense... .

My  GF has intense fear of abandonment and i tell her i love her everyday and reassure her how much she means to me, but i don't think she realy believes me she also is constantly on guard and expects that my feelings could change any day and i could decide to leave... .this my not be the same for your BF but for my GF deep down this is because she belives she is worthless and nobody could possibly love her.

if i was in your position with my girlfriend ... (ie, not together and  told her my feelings but also seeing another woman) i dont think that she would make a move because me seeing another woman would overrule any words that i had said, even if i had made the situation crystal clear... (with BPD things can be very black and white)... .

like i say this is based on how my GF exhibits her BPD.

it definitely sounds like both of you have things to work through, both in and out of the relationship, and i think at the core of this is working out if you both want to try this again and this could take work from both of you together. BPD obviously complicates the situation as things can not always be taken at face value, especially with push and pull, so even if he pushed you away initially does not mean he would be easily able to make the move now.


i would personaly ask about the event that you mentioned and see if he would like to go with you, this could take the pressure off him and make him feel like you want to spend time with him. If that works or not is it possible for you to get together and talk this through on an equal playing field in a low pressure situation without any ultimatums? even over a meal etc. again this could take the pressure off him and make it easier for you to both speak about how you feel, at the end of the day this decision would involve both of you.

i would recommend listening to him with empathy and (i don't know how much you know)  if you haven't already i would recommend reading a bit about the ins and outs of BPD and some communication skills like SET. (check in the tools bar above)

i think that i have made sense  and  hope that this has helped

[FaithfulInLove]

He went silent on me since yesterday. Just said thank you when I sent something over I had promised him.
This is devastating, I'd feel like talking to him soo much right now. I know he feels alone, I wish I could just call him and everything would be fine, but I know he would just push me away... .


Beren, regarding your reply: my ex is the same... .He said he feels like I deserve someone better than him... .and I told him he was everything I ever wanted... .
I wish I could see him and talk about everything but it's so hard, he doesn't really seem to want it... .
This is so difficult because we are from different countries and if I don't make the effort to fly over we don't have a chance to meet up. He doesn't have enough money to come here.

I am scared to make plans with him as being around him while he is in a new relationship is so so hard for me and I know this could happen again without a warning... .
I am using all the tools and we didn't really get into a fight since then, they really worked! Thank you for the hint, Beren!


And to what Radcliff said on my other post

It sounds like sometimes you are not quick to get back to your ex because you are busy, and sometimes he is not quick to get back to you because he is busy.  Each of you sometimes may think the other one is being passive aggressive.  He owns what he thinks.  You can be honest with him that you were just busy, and if he worries or feels hurt, you can't change that.  Likewise, you own how you think.  I believe it's very tough to tell what's going on on the other side.  I know I've thought my pwBPD was ignoring me to be manipulative or uncaring, and I later found out that she was just busy, for real.  The thing about a friendship is that it's appropriate for there to be lower expectations than in a romance.  It's OK for people to be busy.  The friendship should not be stressful, and managing our own expectations and reactions is key. ... .

I agree with you so much!
Sometimes I know he is busy - but so many times I catch him being on Twitter, tweeting about stuff that really is not important which shows me he would have time to reply (he knows I'm seeing his tweets!)
Or he posts stuff that is provocating because it is about his feelings and how much he wishes he had a girlfriend - I don't understand why he sais he considers me still but doesn't make an effort to come and show me that this can still work when I told him he still owns my heart... .
I took long to get back to him last night because I have been out with a friend... .
He took long as well then, then said "Oh sorry, have been watching a movie"... .that was alright, I can handle it if he is busy and doesn't get back to me - but then, I texted him back straightaway and instead of answering me, he went back to Twitter... .
A few days ago he even did this after ASKING ME if I had time to text with him... that was extremely hurtful to suddenly be ignored and read about his "horrible love life" online... .

Finally, about the new guy.  You don't want to talk about him, but you see several red flags. ... . It's your call, but let me invite you to share with us about the red flags you're seeing.

The red flags of the other guy? He is five years younger than me (20 years old) and I am his first girlfriend. It is quite obvious that he doesn't love ME, but the idea of having a girl by his side. He said "I love you" from day one, wants to be in a commited relationship from day one. He had a painful childhood, is damn clingy, wants to spend every free minute with me... .
Then he sais stuff like "Actually... .I always wanted a girlfriend in my age... ." or "I always wanted someone looking like an instagram model... ." Then he realises how hurtful that is for me and takes it back, tells me he hates himself so much for that!
I consider this as red flags. Don't think a healthy relationship would move that fast.

[Radcliff]

You said that when you were texting with your ex and he wasn't fully present, it felt like he wanted to hurt you.  This is where mindfulness can come in useful for us.  Try to catch yourself having those thoughts abut the other person's motivations or feelings.  We can't know their motivations or feelings much of the time, especially over text.  It's quite possible that he just didn't have the discipline and courtesy to be fully present when he'd asked you to be there with him.  You can absolutely ask him to be more present for your conversations.  A supportive way to do it might be to say it's important to you, but you're flexible to pick a time when he's free to concentrate.  A boundary could be not talking to him for more than a short while if he's not present.  You could gently offer to set up another time that's better for him.

Regarding his insecurities about being abandoned by new girls... .It makes sense that to you, it feels like a big difference between you and his new interests.  You know how solid your love is for him.  But for him, it's all the same.  He has an "insecure attachment style" and that is not likely to change.  This is a serious handicap when it comes to a relationship.

Thanks for the detail on the new guy.  It sounds like he has an insecure attachment style as well.  Your comment about feeling like you're using him was a valuable comment; it made me think a bit.  Honestly, I think the best thing you could possibly do for him is to have very solid boundaries.  Treat him with compassion and sensitivity, but don't put up with the clinginess.  Claim your space.  See him at intervals that feel right to you.  Communicate with him at a frequency that works for you.  Limit physical intimacy to a level that feels right to you for where the relationship is for you.  Have a frank conversation that you believe that a caring relationship needs a bit more space and independent time, and that it does not mean that you don't like him or don't care for him.  If you can manage this, far from using him, you will be giving him the gift of experience with healthy relationship dynamics.  Even if you end up breaking up with him, and even if he feels some pain, he will have the opportunity to use that experience to make his future relationships better.

RC

[FaithfulInLove]

A supportive way to do it might be to say it's important to you, but you're flexible to pick a time when he's free to concentrate.  A boundary could be not talking to him for more than a short while if he's not present.  You could gently offer to set up another time that's better for him.

Thank you so much, Radcliff! The texting thing/how he's ignoring me sometimes and not being present is a problem for me for a long time and this is really good advice on how to handle this.

Well, what worries me about this:
Last time when he asked me if we could talk and he hasn't been present with me, I handled this exactly in the way you suggested (told him he seemed checked out and that we could talk another time then) and he told me that he was just outside running and that this was the reason why he couldn't text back that fast... while he has been tweeting [his new girlfriend] non-stop... .). I must add that it has always been a relationship issue between us - him getting hurt over me taking too long... .So he probably knows how this would hurt me.

I also agree on how I should treat the new guy... .I really gotta set healthy boundaries right from the beginning. Thank you for your advice! It's really going well so far, I think

But things with my ex escalated a bit yesterday... .he said he actually wanted to ask me if I wanted to go to an event with him that he had planned this month, but that he sees I was too busy... .(cause I was already making other travelling plans for this month)
I playfully answered that I'd like to decide myself if I was too busy or if I was not. He said he just wanted to be realistic and that it was probably just not possible for me to travel over to his country so soon.
I told him if he didn't want me there, he shouldn't ask me in the first place. He answered that he wouldn't have asked if he didn't want me there. So I said he could just tell me when it was and I'll see if I can make it... .
Then he gave me silence, (while being on Twitter... .)

I told him that he doesn't have to be scared this would be getting my hopes up, that I don't expect anything just because I'd travel with him and that I know we are just friends for now... .
He just answered that he "just didn't know"... .I told him he confused me... .he apologised and said he'd just go... .
I told him he could go wherever he wanted to - but should make sure to come back to me because I care... .I repeated he shouldn't have asked me in the first place if he didn't want me there, that this was disrespectful and wished him a good night... .

I feel like I reacted way too harsh... .  I felt like I had to set a boundary here, like telling him he can't do this with me... .He keeps treating me in a hurtful way while I'm fighting for us for over a year... .
At the same time I know he has just been confused and I have reacted quite angrily... .
It upsets me that he doesn't see how much I care or that he can't imagine his behaviour would hurt me... .I have been unbelievably patient the past months, this was the harshest reaction he got from me in a long long time and I feel so bad about it, being scared he won't come back now... .

[FaithfulInLove]

  Please can you help me with some advice... .?

I am at work... .I am so in tears... .he went completely angry about me calling him disrespectful last night and I used the tools, telling him how I see that he is upset and that we could surely talk about this after work... .that I think we misunderstood each other... .

He just told me I was disrespectful to him all the time he's known me and that he doesn't need this anymore, said Goodbye to me... .

I just said if he feels disrespected I wanted to hear what makes him feel this way so I could do better... .he doesn't react, but he is sending tweets to other girls nonstop right now... .

Help me, how can I save this situation? I can't stop crying... .I don't know what he meant... .did he mean how little I've been there for him? Did he mean that I am meeting other guys?
I am hurting badly... .should I tell him how much this affects me?

[Radcliff]

I'm really sorry to hear how tough things are now.  When two people get upset like this, especially when they are distant and have to use something like phone, text, or e-mail to communicate, it works best if they take some time to self-soothe.  Getting back into it too soon, when both people are raw, just leads to more misunderstanding and heartache.  Take some time for yourself.  Do some guaranteed feel-good activities.  Get some exercise if you can.  Perhaps send him a note and say you're sorry things went sideways and you're going to take some time to gather yourself and come back fresh (this makes it about you, and not like you're punishing him).

Let us know how you're doing.

RC

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey Radcliff... he said goodbye and blocked me (almost) everywhere... .
I believe that leaving a note could upset him even more as right now he seems like he doesn't wanna have anything to do with me... .
I'll try to listen to your advice... .Maybe I'll just give him a month of space and if he doesn't come back I might reach out to his birthday...
I don't wanna ruin this situation any more.
It's a shock he reacted that way as the text I sent to him at work was a loving and understanding one... .
I was so scared to be cropped out of his life forever and I'm frightened that this has happened now... .I feel horrible - maybe mentioning the new guy has been too much for that sensitive man... .

[babyducks]

I don't wanna ruin this situation any more.

Hi FaithfulinLove,

You haven't ruined anything.   people with this disorder have high conflict relationships with a huge amount of push/pull.    it's what they do.    I don't believe it's intentional.    I think it's how they manage their own intense emotions.

we can respond in ways that lower the conflict but we can't respond it ways to make it go completely away.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey babyducks

Is there a chance he'll come back or do I have to do anything to make that happen?

If he feels disrespected in any way I'd love to be there to listen... .I don't think he got my last message, he's quick in deleting apps... .

Would you reach out or give him time?
I don't know how he could feel disrespected... it confuses me! I feel like I haven't been there enough

[FaithfulInLove]

I prepared a small message which tells him how seriously I'm taking what he said... .And that I'd be happy if we could work this out... .

Will leave him some more space so he can think about things himself and send it to him in a few days... .I really don't think he got my last message so maybe this one will help after things cooled off a bit...

[FaithfulInLove]

Any advice or opinions on this?
You know how much he means to me, seeing him leave was my biggest fear...

[Beneck]

Hey FaithfulInLove!

I'd advice you to definitely give him time!

From his behavior, it's clear that he wants space.

I don't think anything wrong in particular, but from personal experience and what I've read on here, people with BPD can be SHARPLY vurnerable to anything that even remotely resembles criticism.

Since he's blocked you, he's erected a wall to keep you out. Trying to breach that wall will result in him erecting an even higher wall. Wait for him to feel comfortable talking to you again, and to unblock.

In the meantime, do things for yourself. Live life. Don't sit idle, waiting.

I know how much he means to you, and I'm sorry to hear things have developed this way.

Is there any sort of hobby or activity that you haven't taken up but always wanted to? Do you think that this is a good opportunity to start doing things you've always wanted to?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello Beneck,
I'm feeling so alone in this, it means a lot you got back to me... .
Yes, he probably wants space but I feel like if he sees now that I'm not making an effort at all when he blocks me out completely, maybe then he thinks he's right and I really don't care about him and maybe then he's gone for good... .

That's why I'm thinking about one last message, showing him that I do care and that he can come back if he feels like it... .It has helped the last time but I'm not sure if after he got so angry it wouldn't mm make things worse...

What do you think?
I trust your experience but I really feel like he wants me to prove l actually still want him in my life... .
How would he feel that I care if after I have given him so much space and have been so busy recently and told him about another guy I liked?

Yes, I see my to him message has been too harsh... .
What he did was disrespectful im some way but I should have understood his confusion and just let him think about it... .I had a bad night... that was the first time in so many months that one bad word slipped out of my mouth and it made him break all bridges, it's killing me... .

After all I said, would you still give him more space? Because I feel like one single non-pushy message could actually help him to see I want this connection still...

[babyducks]

Is there a chance he'll come back or do I have to do anything to make that happen?

The only person who can answer this is him.    No one can predict what he will or wont do.  

people with BPD have unstable relationships with other people and unstable emotions.   having a lot of break up and make ups is very common in these type of relationships.   I think my ex and I broke up and got back together about 8 times.    I lost track to be honest.

many people with BPD spouses experience divorce threats or actions monthly if not weekly.

that is why BPD is called the "I Love You - Go Away,  I Hate You - Don't Leave Me' disorder.
  
I agree with Beneck - from his behavior it's clear he wants space.   Trying to breach the wall will cause him to build a higher wall.

If you want to continue with him, please think about ways to improve your own distress tolerance.

'ducks

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello babyducks, as we were posting at the same time... would you please give me your opinion on your thoughts?
I agree with you! I gotta lower my level of distress! It has been a lot for both of us lately... .

[babyducks]

After all I said, would you still give him more space? Because I feel like one single non-pushy message could actually help him to see I want this connection still...

I don't have a simple Yes/No for you FaithfulInLove.

People with BPD have chaotic tumultuous relationships with a lot of intense emotions, both Love and Hate.

It's been about what?    A week since this post:

Yesterday then, he told me he feels incomplete without having a significant other by his side, and he can't be just friends and he is looking for someone... .and when I wished him to find what he's looking for, he added that "someone could still include you"... .

I have been all honest then. Told him about how I have recongnised my own mistakes in our relationship. That I thought we could do better together by now - but that if he wants to work things out it must be HIM coming to me, I have been fighting for so long and I don't wanna do this anymore, it takes two.

Do you think he has forgotten what you said to him in this conversation?    Do you want to change your mind about what you said?    Instead of allowing him to come to you... .you feel you need to pursue him?

It's really not possible to express ourselves so perfectly that we can change how someone feels.   If you feel it's best for yourself to express so you can say I gave it my best.   I gave it my all.    I was completely honest.   That's one thing.    If you feel it's important for you to send one single non pushy message so he feels better, so his emotions are soothed, so he changes his emotions.   That's a different thing.

I guess what I am saying is that motivation matters.

Could you send one single non pushy message,  feel comfortable with and then leave it alone?

'ducks

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello Babyducks... .

Thank you... yeah it's a week since this post, but since then there were a few days where I couldn't make time for him and a few days where we wanted to spend time but he started being silent - so an honest conversation on Monday and lots of rather bad interactions since then, where he showed interest in me, but no investment... .

That's why it hurt me so, it made me so happy when he asked me to come with him - then he suddenly wasn't sure anymore? I'm sorry I couldn't be more patient then... .

I just decided to send that one last message and hope that this will help him come back to me if he changes his mind... .It's not about working things out in a relationship way, but about being in touch and being there for each other... .

Losing him is my biggest fear

Thank you for your thoughts... .I'll leave it like that for now, hoping he won't just block my second account I texted him on, but I can imagine he will and know I gotta stay calm then and give him his space... .

Thank you...


So far, he's just ignoring it

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello you all... .

you know how long I've been fighting for my ex to come back and I feel so alone in this situation that I just feel like posting although there are no real news on this... .

I am blocked everywhere apart from my second account where I sent him a small message yesterday, telling him I'd love to work this out.

He seems to wanna leave me a way of seeing his tweets.
He seems to be raging.
It's not the deep sadness anymore that he has been in in the past weeks.
From looking at his Posts, he seems to feel like the only person who is right and that everyone else just keeps disappointing him... .he tweets about using a dating app, about how much he's enjoying his tv shows, also a lot about relationships, and about how one should be able to work things out when there is a fight instead of just running away - which confuses me when he is the one who refuses talking to me... .he is having public conversations with other girls and also is tweeting about his ex - I wonder which one? - and about how ugly her new boyfriend is and that he is so much better... .

I feel like he is doing this to hurt me... .to make me feel like I don't matter at all... .to make me feel like I'm not good enough... .

I see that leaving space is the only thing that could help him calm down at the moment and I did not post a thing since we stopped talking anymore, to not trigger him further, although this is not common for me... .

I am so scared that he won't come back... .I'd be happy if you could share your experiences with me, of your pwBPD coming back after raging... .I'd love to know how long it usually takes for them to calm down, even though I know everyone is different and it doesn't say anything about my situation... .

I wish someone could just tell me that there are good chances of him coming back... .I am just so scared he won't... .I am feeling so alone in this.

[Beneck]

Hey FaithfulInLove

I wish I could tell you that things would work out.

You have no idea how much I'd want that. For me, for you, for all of us.

If I came across a god-damn genie, this is what I'd wish for; for all these "love stories" with our BPD partners  to be happily resolved. To be with them happily ever after, like we so desperately want to.

But life doesn't work like that now, does it? Otherwise you wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here!

Before my ex broke up with me, I used to think that if 2 people love and respect each other and care for each other enough, it's going to work out.

I was naive. And I suppose that is ok. We are all naive, in a way, and we constantly learn in life. My core belief was invalidated, shattered. I changed. I felt I've grown up in these 4 weeks more than I've grown in years.

So I have gone NC for 4 weeks. And it hurts like hell. It's getting progressively easier back with a lot of steps back and a messy shifting between acceptance, anger sadness and love.

But no matter how much I miss her... .I am not powerless. You are not powerless either. But it takes a while to recognize that you are not powerless! That you have options! I wish that things were different, and I accept that. That's ok. But even if I wish things were different, that doesn't mean I cannot work with that I have. Yes I were things were different but there is so much I can do to improve my situation. To improve MYSELF.

When you love someone so much, you get tunnel vision. You cannot see to your right or left, only forward. You can only see what you've lost, and it hurts so much.

That's why I suggest that you devote time to yourself. Go out. Talk, see, interact. Walk, run.

Not so that you forget him, but so that you clear you head and you transition out of having tunnel vision. So that you have clarity, meaning that you can make informed decisions about what you want, in the present and in the past. In life, people often misguided based on the idea that they have no other choice, and they can't do better. I'm not saying that this is what's going on here, but what I AM SAYING is that the aforementioned will allow you to dispell this illusion. And afterwards... .only you can decide what you want to do. And most likely, no matter what you decide to do, it's going to be pretty painful, but you have OPTIONS and that matters!

Right now you are simply reacting to your emotional pain and fear, and while that is human, it will do you no good. He has erected some very high walls. While that is extemely painful, in a way, it is a blessing in disguise; you have no other choice but to look inward. Take advantage of it. And when the going gets tough... .use us! Post here! I, for one, have subscribed to this thread to be kept up to date :p I cannot promise to tell you or even know what to tell you to do, but I promise to listen.

Stay strong! 

(Wow I actually unironically used the hug emoji... .never thought this day would come... .:p)

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, Beneck, for this invested answer, it means a lot.

I'm wishing you all the best in your situation, too. I really gotta catch up on everything you wrote about it, but don't think I'm the right person to give advice as I'm here, not knowing what to do with my own situation.

I know that you are right with what you're saying, but it will be hard for me to come out of that tunnel... .I'm in here for too long... .

I keep thinking about how he blocked me out in May and how I just could turn things around by doing him a huge favour... .
He cut me off and he started dating someone else, ignoring my attempts to make contact for an entire month... .
That I could make him come back, that was all coincidence. He depended on me for that one thing he wanted... .and I helped him out and asked for his friendship in return. But I'm not sure if this has ever been a stable thing. But on the days he blocked me out I didn't cause any drama and he always came back and talked to me again... .

I am scared of the time I gotta go without him, scared that he'll meet someone new now and that again I'll be here watching this. That I don't only lose my partner for good but also my best friend.

I miss him so.

I think about changing my therapist even though I love and trust mine. Maybe a new person talking to me could help me see another perspective... .I'm not in a good place.

[Beneck]

Thank you, Beneck, for this invested answer, it means a lot.

np ;)

I'm wishing you all the best in your situation, too. I really gotta catch up on everything you wrote about it, but don't think I'm the right person to give advice as I'm here, not knowing what to do with my own situation.

Not really necessary! I was moreso sharing my own experiences to give you an idea of how someone might relate to a similar experience, as well emphasize that you're not alone

I miss him so.

Well ok then!

ASSUMING you 2 reconnected, what changes would you like to see? Changes both on your part, his part and the dynamic as a whole? What do you think you can do to make these changes a reality?

[FaithfulInLove]

ASSUMING you 2 reconnected, what changes would you like to see? Changes both on your part, his part and the dynamic as a whole? What do you think you can do to make these changes a reality?

I gotta learn how to set boundaries without attacking him... .when I look at my messages, I really didn't put my words right that night... .
I don't know what else I can change to be honest, apart from healing more so that a word like "disrespectful" really won't slip out of my mouth again... .
I am not sure if those triggers can be avoided fully. I got so hurt over the whole thing, in this Situation I felt like I had to tell him this was not okay in some way after handling those painful situiations quite well over the past months... .I changed a lot in my communication over the past year, I think those changes are good and helpful for our connection.
I know about the tools and mostly use them well - it is just so hard when he pushes all my buttons, breaks promises and hurts me... .That's what I wanna better about myself, keeping my cool then.

What he really has to change is expecting me to invest in our connection, wanting me to prove that I care whithout giving anything back... I am ready to give a lot but I don't feel that he cares and that's unbelievably painful.
This really is something I wish he would realise has to change... .

[FaithfulInLove]

I have an update... . 

If you know our whole story my obsession with a band has been the main breakup reason.
He felt put second... .
They were replying some people
on social media tonight and he got triggered I think... .
(He's thinking they never send him replies because I've been talking about him badly which of course is not true.)

I just got an angry message from him, he is upset to be ignored by everyone and by the band as well and he is tired of people walking over him, saying he doesn't need anyone, no friends, no family and that I should never talk to him again... .
Blocked me... .

I see he's being in a lot of pain and that I can't do anything to make this better right now... .
I would love to just tell him he can reach out if he ever changes his mind... .But can't think of another way to reach him and think it would be disrespecting his space when he asked for it so clearly... .
Apart from sending letters or mails I don't see a way to make contact in the future, but yeah at the same time I see I shouldn't even try as he doesn't wish for my company at the moment... .

I'm heartbroken