I need help. Are violent explosions part of BPD?

[The.Dairy.Queen]

Hi. I am new to the group. My husband meets so many of the guidelines for BPD. But the one thing I see missing is violent outbursts. In the last week alone, he's smashed a lightbulb in my face, choked me three times, kicked me 3 times, and hit me multiple times. I really want to help him, but he sees himself as this perfect person, who's done everything right and it's always my fault, whatever goes wrong. It is really hard to constantly hear how you're nothing, and you're worthless, and no matter how hard you work, or how hard you feel like you're being the best cheerleader, to just get pummeled down again and again.
Thank you for any advice you can give. I just feel so lost and alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you found us but so sorry for what bring you here.

Violence can be present in pwBPD (people with BPD).

Can you tell us more about your situation?  I am concerned about the violence.  Are you safe right now?  Do you have a safety plan should you need to leave suddenly?  How long have you been married?  Do you have kids?

Are either of you in counseling?

So sorry for all the questions.  I am just trying to get a better feel for your situation.

[spero]

Hey there DairyQueen,

Extending a warm welcome to you. I'm really sorry for what is happening
I am very concerned about the kind of violence im hearing. I'm hearing both physical and emotional abuse, the shifting of blame and devaluation of you self worth and esteem. Dear Dairy Queen, are you okay? It is terribly horrifying to hear a man smash a lightbulb into a lady's face. Please let us know how you're doing.

Yours,
Spero

[Panda39]

Hello DairyQueen,

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you've found us   

I can hear your concern for husband, but I am concerned for you too and the domestic violence in your situation.   

More on Domestic Violence... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

Can you share more of your story?  How long have you been married?  When did you start seeing behaviors that didn't feel right?  Do you have children?  What kind of support are you receiving?

Take Care,
Panda39

[I Am Redeemed]

 
Hi Dairy Queen,

I am glad that you found our community. It sounds like you are experiencing some really extreme abuse from your h.

Intense and inappropriate levels of anger and rage are common in BPD. For some this may not escalate into violence, but for others it does.

I, too, have experienced very violent behavior from my uBPDh. Currently I have a protective order against him and I have chosen to go NC.

For nearly eight years I have tried to find out what was wrong with him and get him the help he needs. He still refuses to accept treatment and I finally had to choose between a losing battle to save him from himself, or removing myself from the situation in order to protect my son and me.

There is nothing that you can do or change that will stop his violence towards you. He is making the choice to be abusive, whether he has a disorder or not. If he is not taking any responsibility for that choice, he is unlikely to change his behavior.

I understand how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone who is so volatile, who blames everything on you when all you want to do is help. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I would suggest that you speak with a domestic violence advocate if possible, locally or nationally. There are websites that have a chat option as well if you don't want to speak on the phone.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

You are not alone.  As you can see from I Am Redeemed's reply, you have found a community where there are people who understand what you are going through.  The link Panda39 has provided is excellent.  Let me join her and Harri in asking you to share more of your story.  The first step in making your situation better is breaking your isolation, and you've taken that first step by coming here.

RC

[isilme]

In one word, Yes.  Yes, violence towards themselves, towards the environment, and to us is often part of BPD.  It really is a condition that encompasses so many behaviors, but the root is usually avoiding shame and or blame - it HAS to be your fault because he can't manage it being his.  For me, it happens so fast I am a deer in the headlights and often freeze.  My father also had BPD (both parents, really) and so my reactions are still often the same as childhood when H goes off into a scary physical territory.  He does not do it often, and it's usually around the same time as a sugar low for him (so I work really hard to get him to eat "on-time" for my own benefit).

What do you usually do when things get like that?  How do you react? 

[Chosen]

Hi The.Dairy.Queen,

Welcome to the place nobody wants to be, but I'm glad you have found this community.  I have gone through situations similar to what you mentioned, although a lot lower on the violence scale.

I really want to help him, but he sees himself as this perfect person, who's done everything right and it's always my fault, whatever goes wrong. It is really hard to constantly hear how you're nothing, and you're worthless, and no matter how hard you work, or how hard you feel like you're being the best cheerleader, to just get pummeled down again and again. 

I totally understand this feeling.  Say we're going somewhere and there is traffic, it would somehow be my fault as well.  Or, he may say it's not my fault but his annoyance and anger would be directed to me just the same, as though I were the one causing all the trouble.  I am also pretty worthless to my uBPDh, he often tells me that his life would be much better without him, that I ruin his life, etc.  And if I show any unhappiness after he expresses these feelings, he would say "look at your miserable face.  This is exactly why it's unpleasant to be with you." (um... .you just I'm worthless and I'm supposed to be happy about it?) 

Yes, it's a lonely road.  Nobody in "real life" knows my situation.  Not a single person, because there is nobody I can talk to.  This board has been super helpful to me over the years, sometimes offering a good perspective and sound advice, at other times at least making me feel a bit more normal and less alone. 

To answer your question: yes, absolutely.  Violent outbursts are very typical of pwBPDs, because their emotions are very strong and it's 0 or 100.  For example, if I do something to annoy uBPDh, I'm "b**ch", "s**m".  To think somebody would call anybody that to their face is horrifying enough, but to his own wife!  Of course, he wouldn't do it in front of other people, so nobody would know.  Nobody would believe me if I say it anyway.

On the physical violence, though, I urge you to take safety precautions, or to speak to somebody about it.  I worry about your safety.  I'm not exactly in the position to judge because I've been under physical violence and there wasn't much I could do (long story), but try to talk to somebody in "real life" if you can.  Do you detect a pattern of his violence?  Does he get annoyed/ angry in speech before getting physical?