MY BP wife...

[infidel1375]

So... .I was unexpectedly divorced from my first wife of 15 years while I was contracting overseas. My life sucked, then I met her, my current wife. We met online, and she was everything I was looking for. She was beautiful, intelligent, and she seemed to understand what it meant to love. After about five months of chatting, she flew out to visit. about 10 months after that, we were married.

We went through the immigration process (she's a Thai national), and about a year after we married, she and my stepsons immigrated. It was a bittersweet transition though, because right away she was very hard on all of the children. Being hard on the kids eventually evolved into mental and emotional abuse -- even a few instances of physical abuse. I set boundaries with her, but she did not listen until CPS was called.

Now, I live with her, her sons, and one of my daughters. Although my older two children live less than a half mile away with my father, I miss them very much. She also continues with the BP behaviors, and is unwilling to seek treatment. My daughter, stepsons, and I all feel like we are constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what might set mom off. The state of constant hyper-vigilance is exhausting to all of us, and means that we are  always on edge, even with one another. My wife is unwilling to seek treatment and thinks she's just a bad person, and that's all there is to the problem. She functions well enough at work, and saves her venom for us. She speaks of frustration because people do not do what she expects of them, but it is plainly obvious that there is something more complex under the surface. She is very needy, and takes any perceived rejection very harshly.

I just need to talk to people to find strategies to deal with her, as well as support for my own well-being.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Welcome infidel, glad you found us!
I can assure you that there are a lot of great people in this community who can relate to your struggles and offer support.

Your situation sounds extremely taxing, your wife’s behavior must be so hard on you and the kids and I can’t imagine how painful it must be to be separated from your older children. Since I am new to this board myself, I'll leave the advice to more experienced members and just ask some questions for clarification, If you don't mind. 

Are you still in contact with CPS? Did they offer support or take any measures at that time? 
Since your wife is unwilling to seek treatment, I assume she never got officially diagnosed?
I think its utterly important for you and the kids to find a way to protect yourselves, when she is acting out. Did you consider therapy for the rest of the family independently?
Could you give us an example of a recent conflict?

[infidel1375]

CPS never came out. After two calls to them (one from the school, one from my daughter's counselor), I hoped they would come out and provide my wife with the impetus to seek the diagnosis and help I know she needs, but it never came to pass.

No, there has been no official diagnosis, but her behaviors align pretty well with what I am reading regarding other BPs. There isn't any suicidal ideation (that I am aware of), nor any risky behavior, but her other behaviors align pretty well with what I've read from others dealing with this issue.

My older children are out of the situation, but I will remove my other children -- including my stepchildren -- from the home if she begins to act out in a way that is damaging to the children. 

[infidel1375]

Recent conflict (this is a mild one):

We were at the laundromat, and she went in to check the clothes without me (we usually sit in the car and wait on the timer). Normally, we go together, but this time, she was adamant that I stay in the car. Per her request, I waited in the car for her, and read articles on my phone. She came to the window and stared at me for a few minutes while I read an article. When I did not look up, she called me using her watch (her phone was in the cupholder next to me; she hasn't had the watch for long, so I wasn't used to the phone calling me without her attached to it). I was a bit disoriented due to the unexpected and odd nature of the phone call, but I eventually looked up and saw her. I went to meet her in the laundromat, and she proceeded to berate me for not looking up and watching her while I was sitting in the car. (Keep in mind that I normally join her in the laundromat, and that she had explicitly told me to stay behind.)

I let her know that I was upset with her, and that her displeasure with me was unreasonable and childish, but she just froze me out and ignored me for the rest of the night (a common behavior with her when she's upset with me). I probably did not react in a healthy or helpful manner, but I was pretty pissed off.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us though sorry for what brings you here. 

Parts of your story are similar to many others that are shared here so know you are not alone.  We get it and can support you as you navigate your way through your relationship.  Things can get better.  As you learn more about the disorder and learn some of the coping strategies and how to use some of the tools we offer here, you can improve things for yourself and it can also help you help your kids.  Sometimes the way we respond is not always the best way and needs to change.  I am not saying that to say you are wrong.  It is just that pwBPD (people wit BPD) often see and process things differently and learning that and how to speak in more effective ways can improve things. 

How long ago were the calls to CPS made?  Does your daughters T know there was no response?  How did the school get involved?  Why are your older kids living with your father?  What sort of things do you do to take care of yourself?

   Sorry for the barrage of questions.  The more information we have about your situation, the better we can guide and support you.

I hope you share more as you settle in and read and jump into other threads.  We are a peer support group and helping and responding to other members helps us too.

[infidel1375]

The first call was made about a year ago, the second about six months ago.

I don't know if the teachers know there was no response. She had hit my daughter in the arm and back, and there were marks. Her PE teacher noticed and asked her about it. *note after that incident I lit into my wife and let know know that such behavior would stop. Although she became abusive in other ways, she no longer hit the children after that incident.

The counselor called CPS after I described some of the horrid things she'd said to my daughter to her. She reported her for emotional abuse. I had spoke ad nauseam with my wife about her behavior towards the kids (notably, my 12 yo daughter), but she seemed unwilling to change it (I know now it's because changing her behavior is tied to who she believes herself to be, so changing is extremely difficult -- this happened before I knew what BPD was).

My older kids live with my father because their mother lives out of state with an abusive drunk. My father's home is only about a half mile from here, so I manage my children as if I live with them all. My father agreed to let my older kids stay with him because of the enmity between my wife and daughter, plus our apartment is too small for five kids.

I teach martial arts (I am a 2nd degree blackbelt), drive rideshare, and see a counselor once per week. I'm self-employed, so I have a lot of flexibility with my time.

[Harri]

Thanks for answering all of my questions.  It sounds like you have your hands full but also have a pretty clear handle on things.

The fact that she no longer hits the kids is good.  You are right that the emotional abuse is harder to stop.  A lot of it is stuff people learn growing up and so it seems normal to them and is not recognized as abuse.  As you said, the way she thinks about herself governs her behaviors.  pwBPD also tend to see their children as an extension of their self rather than as independent little people with their own personalities.  As a result a lot of a child's behavior is taken very personally, rather than being seen as a normal part of social and emotional development or even as normal acting out behaviors. 

Are you familiar with Validation?  It is quite useful in relating with all sorts of people including pwBPD and with kids.  Validation can be a bit tricky but once you get it it is a pretty powerful tool.  I also think your kids will benefit from it given what is gong on in the home.  Validating their perceptions and experiences will go a long way in helping them deal with their mom and not personalize her behaviors (too much anyway)  We are very concerned about the kids in these situations but we also know the reality too and you need to protect yourself too. 

Anyway, I got all chatty and that paragraph got away from me!  In case you are not familiar with validation techniques, I am going to link this article here:  Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Run this by your counselor too.  I am glad you have one!  2nd degree blackbelt?  I'm impressed.  That takes a lot of work dedication and discipline!   

[infidel1375]

 
Wife had an episode tonight. She got upset with our (my daughter from a previous marriage) daughter for leaving skidmarks in the toilet. She then started to use it as an opportunity to teach her how to clean the toilet after use, but soon began raising her voice, being overly demanding, and saying her behavior was "stupid."

Shortly thereafter, our daughter was planking (a common punishment in our household) and my wife asked her why she wasn't counting. I told her that I had set a timer, to which she replied, "I asked her, not you. Mind your own business." I replied that "my daughter is my business." This, of course, went over like a fart in church. She confronted me soon thereafter, stating that I had made her feel like I was saying my daughter isn't her daughter too. I explained to her, calmly, that anything involving my daughter is my business, and that such a statement is not meant to exclude her. She said that she felt that I was undermining her authority by answering on our daughter's behalf. I told her that I must have understood, and that I didn't see it that way. She, as usual, decided that I was full of BS, and is now giving me the cold shoulder.

I fully expect another divorce threat tonight at some point. I don't want to lose her, but I am exhausted. I feel like I am reaching the end of my rope. There's a part of me that just wants to give up, but I truly love her, and I know that giving in to her angry threats would be devastating to her. I just want her to seek help. I want to talk to her, but I know I cannot until she calms down, which might take a day or two at this point. I cannot even try to talk to her about her personality disorder. I wonder if leaving the next time she threatens divorce would help to convince her that there's something not right with her. I am so lost. Advice?

[once removed]

I fully expect another divorce threat tonight at some point.

its been a couple of days. whats happened?

[infidel1375]

Wish I had an answer, but I have no idea. My life is a minefield. There's never any saying regarding what might cause her to blow up. I am in trouble today for not telling her about a Christmas card that was supposed to be coming in the mail (didn't know when it would get here or how much of a check would be enclosed, so I didn't think it mattered until it arrived). Apparently, I am hiding things from her. Mostly, I don't say anything to her about much of anything for fear that she will blow up or play "20 questions" with me. "Exhausted" doesn't begin to cover where I am mentally and emotionally.

[once removed]

can you read this and tell us what stage you think your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

"Exhausted" doesn't begin to cover where I am mentally and emotionally.

i can hear it in your posts, and im glad youre reaching out. in addition to us, are you getting any help or support in your life?

[infidel1375]

Probably between 2-3.

Yes, I have a very supportive group of friends and family members to vent to, in addition to my depression/anxiety counselor.

[infidel1375]

Last night, my wife and I had a chat. We were supposed to be talking through our problems, most notably that I tend to be a bit absentminded. She said it was selfish that I expected her to not get upset with me for not being able to catalog and retain short-term information the way she does. She gets really angry when I don't tell her *everything* (this is not hyperbole) that happens with our family every day. She doesn't realize that I don't even think about all of these little things that happen, so remembering them is all but impossible. She stared into my eyes for what had to be ten minutes (she seems to think she can divine purpose from eyeballing). Anyway, I vigorously defended myself, then she said "we're done," implying that she wanted to divorce. I told her that wasn't fair, and that she was judging me for something I had no control over. She said "after everything that's happened" (she's very good at absolving herself of responsibility) she wants to be done. I told her I was not done with her. I told her I loved her, and that I was willing to stay by her side as long as it took. I then told her I thought she had a personality disorder. I told her that it's something that is manageable, with professional help. I also told her that I would not give up on her, and that the feelings she has are not her fault. I told her I have been doing a lot of research, because I love her and want to understand her. I then told her that if she wanted me to leave, I would collect my things, my daughter and her things, and we would leave right away. I repeated this to her two more times, but she refused to answer. I told her that I loved her and would not reject her. I told her she needed to get help to manage her condition, or else she would end up leaving me at some point anyway. She ended up leaving the bed, and I chased her out into the dining room (I knew she was running from me). I told her if anyone was going to sleep elsewhere, it would be me (I am self-employed, and she has a regular job). I retrieved my pillow and laid down in my daughter's bed. About an hour later, she came out and beckoned me back into our bed.

I love this woman, fiercely, but this is the most consuming relationship I've ever had in my life. It really takes all of my resources to maintain. Letting her go would be easier than trying so hard, but I also know it would be devastating. Plus, I have told her repeatedly that I would not reject her or let her go. She has to take ownership if she truly wants to end things, which I think is difficult for her to do, because then she has to admit that she is really -- in a way -- rejecting herself.

[once removed]

not to monday morning quarterback, but in going forward... .

she expects you to have a better memory, and you told her you think she has a personality disorder 

there is no better way, in times of conflict, to tell a person "your feelings are not valid, in fact they are crazy, and they are the source of the problems in our marriage".

going forward... .

I vigorously defended myself

you dont have to do this.

when our partners are sharing their feelings, their frustration, how they view the problems, they are doing just that... .sharing their perspective. if we get defensive, we are rejecting it out of hand, which only fuels conflict and makes our partners and their concerns feel dismissed.

it is rarely a first, natural instinct, but when this happens, it is much better to just listen, to ask clarifying and validating questions, to try to better understand where our partners are coming from, and to make them feel heard. then its good to summarize their position as they see it, clarify if its accurate as they see it, let them know wed like to reflect on it, and then do so... .really do so. we can come back and state our position after a bit (usually a few days), and usually, our partners will have lowered their guard, and be in a much better position to listen, and from there, problems can be resolved constructively.

what do you think?

[infidel1375]

Yeah, in retrospect, I did horribly. I deal with anxiety and depression, and fear of rejection makes me say stupid things at inappropriate times, especially when I feel threatened. I often find myself searching for words that are validating and comforting, and I usually end up " the pooch."

I guess I am just frustrated. Thank you for your help. I will ruminate on what you said, and hopefully at the next meltdown, I will do better.

[once removed]

I deal with anxiety and depression

what sort of support are you getting?

I guess I am just frustrated.

none of this is easy, or intuitive, but it gets better.

I will ruminate on what you said, and hopefully at the next meltdown, I will do better.

have you worked much with the tools here? it might be good to review them in a separate thread, ask some questions, get some feedback.

[Resillience]

I am new here, so I can't offer any advice... .but I do relate somewhat to your situation and your feelings of helplessness and frustration.  I am not sure if things get better or not.  My wife is scheduled to begin DBT therapy after the first of the year.  She had a meltdown last night, and I'm sure I handled it poorly, too.  I struggle with the thoughts of having to "manage" life around BPD.  Meaningful adult relationships shouldn't be this difficult.