i was aggressive growing up. Were you?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’ve posted all day. I finally hit my wall. The Holidays. Yes, I want to punch a hole in one of my walls. I’m not going to do that. I’m going to sit with it and process it. I’m going to let it wash over me. Punching things is not a path to healing. Punching things is staying stuck.

My homes were never riddled with holes. But, I’ve had a history of punching things. School lockers, doors. I ended my physical abuse by putting my fist through a door in front of my mother.

I made my stance. I was never touched again:. How did you end your abuse?

[JNChell]

I’ve posted all day. I finally hit my wall. The Holidays. Yes, I want to punch a hole in one of my walls. I’m not going to do that. I’m going to sit with it and process it. I’m going to let it wash over me. Punching things is not a path to healing. Punching things is staying stuck.

My homes were never riddled with holes. But, I’ve had a history of punching things. School lockers, doors. I ended my physical abuse by putting my fist through a door in front of my mother.

I made my stance. I was never touched again:. How did you end your abuse?

[Harri]

I made my stance. I was never touched again:. How did you end your abuse?

What was she doing to you JNChell?

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri. For some reason I was waiting for your question.

She was punching me and lost in a rage.

[Harri]

   Well, you weren't specific and it is too easy to jump to conclusions.

I am happy you stopped her from hitting you again.   She was a cowardly bully then. 

Is it the memories that has you so angry tonight?  Emotional flashbacks?  What can you do to help you release it?

[JNChell]

Good questions. I’m not having emotional flashbacks, but the memories are unpleasant. Yes, she was a coward and I pity who she was. Beating a child is the lowest of being low. I’m glad that I’m not that person. I have sympathy for people like that. An adult that beats a child is  in the head. It’s hard, but I can truly sympathize. Being that sick must be a  .

Ok. Back on track here. Obviously, I’m angry. I’m sitting with it. You saw that. That’s pretty cool. My anger has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. Can you relate? I’ve learned my lesson with my anger. It’s present and I pay attention to it. It’s not unbridled anymore. It needs to be kept safe. Know what I mean?

[Turkish]

Well I had a long response written and then my tablet rebooted.  I wanted to throw it against the wall  

In general I wasn't aggressive.  My outlets were doing various things in the thousands of acres of forest we lived next to,  guns (just plinking, I was never into killing things), dirt and street bikes,  and some minor neighborhood mischief... .like the time we lit a guy's pond on fire. We were rewarded with a large caliber rifle shot at us as we were sprinting into the woods.  Is gas flammable on water?  No,  but the fumes are.  

My mom slapped me the last time when I was 17. I instinctively raised my hand back and she yelled,  "what? Are you going to hit your own mother?" I moved out a few months later.  

I think my lack of passion and reactivity drove my ex nuts.  I'd seen enough in life to be a bit numbed, an observer.  

[Harri]

Turkish:  'Well I had a long response written and then my tablet rebooted.  I wanted to throw it against the wall'  <---- 

Yes, JNChell, I can relate very well.  My mom never really hit me, just a couple of times.  Once I blocked her arm and in doing so slammed it into a wall.  Not that it matters but it was not intentional on my part I just wanted to stop her hitting me.  I forget what got her started on that.

I can relate to the anger.  I spent many years angry as hell.  I too have punched holes in walls.  In my parents house.  I'd throw things in frustration too but always when alone in my room.  My brother and I used to beat the crap out of each other when we were kids and it went beyond the usual sibling fighting.  It lasted a bit later too.  The last time I hit him I was about 15 which would make him 18.  He stood up, got in my face and told me to stop hitting him.  I stopped.  Good for him for doing that.  I told him I was sorry, it would not happen again and he said the same to me.  I never did it again.

I've never been in a fight with anyone else though.  But I get anger.  It does not really scare me because I understand it.  For me it was an attitude and I lived my life angry.  Getting loud was more my thing.  Along with being aggressive (driving, playing sports, etc).   If I got into an argument with someone I would argue to be right and could do quite a bit of damage with my words. 

I acted like an asshat for a while there. 

Turkish, the pond on fire sounds cool. 

[JNChell]

Lmao, Turkish. I needed that! You lit a pond on fire? Man, I just had a good old belly laugh! I’m glad that you didn’t smash your tablet. Lol!

I spent a lot of time outdoors as well. It just felt right. Well, it felt better, anyway. Nature is so much bigger than the crap. It’s beautiful.

I can’t stop laughing about the pond... .

You made your stand at 17. I was 15. We didn’t submit, did we? We don’t give in and we didn’t give up.

[itsmeSnap]

It needs to be kept safe. Know what I mean?

That may not always mean keep it in a box in the basement.

There is good anger and bad anger. Have you watch the movie "anger management" with adam sandler? I love it, its one of his better ones, the undertone of "anger is not bad itself, its how we handle it" is quite interesting, and there's a bit a truth to the "gusfraba" thing haha

and some minor neighborhood mischief... .like the time we lit a guy's pond on fire.

Kids do scary stuff haha I managed to break down the literal walls of my school and did a "prison break" with my classmates a few times. it was awesome  

My brother became a "vampire" for a few years, I guess everyone has their path.

I pity who she was

Don't.

Accept it for what it was, for who she was and for who she is now. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone has their way of coping but when I hear people say that I sense a major unresolved conflict still brewing underneath, like chaining the beast instead of taming it. Again, experience from dad and his own family problems that I learned as an adult pointed me to that.

Taking the moral high ground is not exactly addressing the issue, its just trying to push it below us, underneath us, "its not even worth it to resolve it" sort of deal.

I did that with an issue I had, my brother told me this same thing. "This only reflects on your own problems, not theirs. why would you try to make others be less of a person when you've felt put down yourself?"

I tried pushing that issue away, I overreacted, It was a part of me I was rejecting, and anyone who I identified with that trait I treated poorly. now I understand why pwBPD seem to struggle so much with others: they do what I did back then but x1000.

Sorry not trying to hijack your thread with my story (I seem to do that a lot, put my own experiences forward, front and center), I guess I'm trying to tell a relatable moral of the story instead of just telling you "do this" out of context.

Hope that helps!

[JNChell]

Harri, I haven’t heard “asshat” in ages. You guys are cracking me up! Thank you for posting what you  did.

I just wanted to stop her hitting me.

I get it. Just   stop! Leave me alone! We just wanted to be left alone. Your body reacted to a threat. A kid can only take so much. Bring firearms into the mix... .
 
I’m glad to hear  that you and your brother were able to come to an understanding. How are the two of you since you’ve grown?

God, Harri. Violence is terrifying. Especially as a child. It’s now being able to step outside of it, but I think that childhood abuse has gone rampant. What the hell is going on in this world?

As articulate as you are, I believe you. I’ve been in physical fights. I don’t lose. I didn’t allow myself to. That part is a little unsettling. Once I’m set off, I don’t have any quit. Obviously I’m older now and I don’t place myself in those situations anymore.

I’m sorry, “asshat”! Lmfao!

[JNChell]

Hi, Snap. I’m glad that you showed up here. You said something that has got me at the moment. Cage the beast instead of taming it. This has me thinking. I possess a beast that’s in a cage. It needs to be tamed.

[Harri]

Snap said:  I tried pushing that issue away, I overreacted, It was a part of me I was rejecting, and anyone who I identified with that trait I treated poorly.

Yes.  I found that what I usually react very strongly to in others usually exists within me to some extent.  Rude awakening. 

Sharing parts of your story to relate or to use as an example is a good thing to do Snap.  It helps us all plus we get to know you too.   

JNChell, your welcome.  Thank you for asking and for brining this up.  I don't see many of us here talking about this part of us and I wonder at that.  Am I that different?  I think I might be. 

My brother and I are okay.  Close but not what I would call friends.  We don't hang out or chat to chat usually.  But we do love and support each other.  It is about as good as it can get considering how we grew up.  Too much history there.

I don't really know when to e scared all the time.  My danger meter is off.  I can see the big stuff but the warning signs?  Nope, not always.  It makes sense when I think of my childhood.  Thinking back it was terrifying but it was all I knew. 

Bring firearms into the mix... .

Exactly.  An almost daily threat growing up.  Yelled, whispered, said in a quiet, dark chilling voice.  "I have this gun because of you"  It messed with my head and my spirit.   "You scare me Harri".  "I am afraid you will hurt me"  "I am afraid you will kill me in my sleep".

At least I wasn't the only asshat in my house.

[JNChell]

Ok, Harri. You’ve done it. Asshat has now become a regular part of my vocabulary. Within reason? It will definitely be used while behind the wheel.  

Something really stood out to me from what you and Snap were discussing. Reacting to things/traits that we ourselves possess. Do you think that this is a guilt thing? I’m curious because I relate, therefore I am.

Harri, there is no way for us to not be very different. Our lives are a challenge. That’s just how it turned out. You know, Skip recently posted about a book. “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. I read it back in the day. One thing that sticks out to me is the trait of integrity. I see a lot of that around here. Through all of the pain and disdain that is processed here, there is a boatload of integrity. Maybe it’s a positive trait that attracts us to be together here. It’s a good and easy read if you’ve read it. I need to find myself a copy to revisit.

I’m sorry about your childhood. I get  off when I read your words. I get sad along side the anger. What a wild world, Harri. I never dreamt that I would ever meet another person that experienced such sick and twisted stuff. I’m so sorry.  You made it, though. There are so many kids that won’t. Be proud of yourself. It wasn’t easy to get to where you’re at. It took a lot and I know that. I’m proud of you and you’re an inspiration. Merry Christmas, Harri.

[HappyChappy]

I made my stance. I was never touched again:. How did you end your abuse?

I learn’t Judo and had the mother of all fights with my brother.  His nickname was “Psyco” he was always much bigger, heavier, older etc... .  I grew up in a rough area, and the rule was never to show a weakness. Always front it out. I’ve never started a fight, but I've pretty good at a Mexican stand offs. Age 15 with my bro was my last fight. But I learn’t that day, he must have fear, because I expected him to get me back, but he never.
 
My friends often said my BPD mom and bro were so hugly aggressive (they were scared stiff of them both) and wondered why me and my sister weren’t. So be proud WFS, we’ve broken the cycle of violence, hitting a wall doesn't hurt anyone but yourself. We’ve done it the hard way and we deserve medals. I’m sending you a loin cloth, so you can be a follower of Gandi. I also found Martyn Luther King an inspiration – he may have needed Malcom X, but warriors are common as muck. Nelson Madela, Gandi, are rarer and the true legends, truly brave.

I find punching people with humour is better for me. People with NPD have a very childish sense of humour, so you can safely ridicule them, in a room full of nones. No one gets hurt. Well unless you’re teasing Trump or ISIS. Apparently we have to take them really, really seriously or they'll kill a French cartoonist, how brave was that (not) ? . Merry Christmas.

[JNChell]

HC, I’ll say it again. I love your humor! Thanks for the laughs. Please allow me to save the loin cloth for Halloween? I need time to look presentable in it. Actually, thinking on that, I will never do a loin cloth justice. In fact, the item and term might be forever banned should I drape one on myself. Send it anyway. I’ll keep it in my memory tote.

At 42, I still catch myself fronting. Even when I don’t have any cause to. Habit, I guess. I’m not bullying with it. I think that it’s more about keeping people away subconsciously. I’ve been trying to be different lately. To be welcoming to strangers. To smile instead of presenting myself in an aggressive way.

Depending on the setting, I don’t know who I’d tease more. Teasing ISIS could cost me my head. Teasing Trump? I don’t have a response. I do have a little more money on my pay check week to week. I don’t think I’ll be teasing Trump. Especially not draped in a loin cloth. Man, it’s drafty up in here!

[Marcie]

no regrets. I know what it’s like to go through what you are going through. It’s a rough journey but the healing that comes from it is life changing. It is, I believe your souls work.

I always worried that if I set boundaries and something happened to my BPD mother I would regret it. She passed away 2 weeks ago and I have no regrets.

[JNChell]

Hey, Marcie Merry Christmas. I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. My mom passed over 10 years ago and my feelings were very similar to your’s. A decade down the road, a whole lot has come to the surface. Emotional baggage. I wish that I knew how to discuss this better. I’m just going to ask you straight forward questions.

Did you receive any kind of closure from your mom?  Digging deep, do you feel like you have stuffed negative feelings inside of yourself?

[Harri]

Something really stood out to me from what you and Snap were discussing. Reacting to things/traits that we ourselves possess. Do you think that this is a guilt thing? I’m curious because I relate, therefore I am.

I think it is projection of sorts.  Everyone projects, not just pwBPD.  When I find myself reacting very strongly to someone, not always, but often enough, I can trace it back to myself.  Sometimes it is my outer critic rearing its ugly head though.  And sometimes, it just is.

Yes, I made it and so did you.  I am grateful and sad and and angry as hell and I am getting to the point of acceptance, though I also believe acceptance is dynamic, always changing. 

[Marcie]

JNChell, she apologized for not being s loving, kind or supportive mother. But when she was apologizing I felt like I’d already forgiven her. It was nice to hear but not necessary. She did not change. Till the very end she was crotchety.