So I think we hit a very hard rock in our relationship.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This happened 5 days ago.

I have not seen him since, but we have spoken through text a lot.

It's hard to unravel and go back and think about it.

I drove away on Sunday and I buried it away until today.

The situation: my parents were leaving on Sunday for two weeks to travel to Europe for business. They asked me if I could drive them to the airport Sunday evening. I told my pwBPD about it on Friday. I said that I might have to leave an hour early.

It turns out that I had to leave 3 hours early because international flights require an earlier check in.

Despite the fact that we've made so much progress, informing him of that change felt nearly impossible. The anxiety was unbearable and I have trouble ripping off the Band-Aid. He react very negatively to last minute changes.


And so Sunday at noon I got into a car with him. Naively thinking that telling him we could leave his friends place an hour and a half early wouldn't be a big deal.

Upon entering his friends house and informing the friend that we probably wouldn't be able to join them for dinner and that we'd have to leave by 5:30.

the friend complained to my boyfriend's who then realized what the situation really was. He got insanely mad. Accuse me of lying to him. Accused me of stirring the pot and being unreasonable and inconsiderate of his time.

His rage was impossible. It was way past anything I've seen in a very long time. He screamed at me and told me to get in the car and told me that he just take me home right now.  He lives 20 miles away which is where my car was.

3 miles into the trip he decides no f**k it. You're not ruining my day. turn the car around and drive back to his friends house and tells me that he will drive me home at the time we decided.


I freak out. the drive to my house is over an hour and a half and I need to be there by 8 to drive them.  They asked me for the favor because they couldn't get anybody else to drive them. They don't really do Uber and well frankly speaking I wanted to see them to the airport. It was a hundred percent my decision to agree to this.

He starts calling my family narcissistic and self-absorbed and unreasonable. He tells me that I should notify my parents that I won't be able to drive them and then they should find themselves a ride because he's not leaving a minute earlier then I originally told him.

I sit in the car crying my eyes out. I am scared that I won't make it. There's also a part of me that is convinced that this is a manipulation and a way to punish me and that if I wait long enough he will drive me on time.

But manipulation or not I can't take that chance. So as the time approaches I order an Uber. I notify him of this.

He flips out again. Tells me to get the f in the car. I waste the $5 to cancel the ride.

Tells me that as always I find a way to avoid the consequences of my actions. Start screaming at me and at this point I don't even defend myself anymore because I'm scared of him getting angrier and so self preservation kicks in.

We got home and he pours himself a drink to calm himself down. And then he falls apart completely.

Regardless of the situation of the last 3 hours, I tell him that everything is okay. And that I care deeply about him and don't want to leave him and that we're okay.

I do my best to make sure hes okay and not at risk of hurting himself. Reassure him repeatedly that things are fine.


Then I drive home numbed out by all of it.

The next morning I again repeatedly remind him that everything is okay. That I'm still going to come visit.

He breaks down and tells me that he's terrified of losing me. He wishes that things didn't make him so angry and that anger didn't push him so far and that he could control it better and that he's very sorry.  A million affectionate messages ensue between us.


And it's such a clusterf**k because both things are true.

He treated me awful. Seriously compromised my ability to feel safe around him. Seriously messed with me and lost my trust for the moment. That part doesn't go away. I didn't deserve anything that happened.

But I still love him. I still care for him deeply and want him in my life. He's still my best friend beyond the messed up stuff.

I made some mistakes. I didn't deserve any of it but it doesn't change that I still could have reacted differently. It was hard because taking my parents to the airport was important to me and I was in a state of panic.

And I do need to be upfront about things to prevent complete escalation like what happened.  If it were anyone else, this would just be a regular fight and it would never hit such a high and scary point. It wouldn't turn completely abusive and manipulative and make me question my sanity.

I am okay, though.

I need some outside perspective and I needed to write this out.

[misuniadziubek]

This happened 5 days ago.

I have not seen him since, but we have spoken through text a lot.

It's hard to unravel and go back and think about it.

I drove away on Sunday and I buried it away until today.

The situation: my parents were leaving on Sunday for two weeks to travel to Europe for business. They asked me if I could drive them to the airport Sunday evening. I told my pwBPD about it on Friday. I said that I might have to leave an hour early.

It turns out that I had to leave 3 hours early because international flights require an earlier check in.

Despite the fact that we've made so much progress, informing him of that change felt nearly impossible. The anxiety was unbearable and I have trouble ripping off the Band-Aid. He react very negatively to last minute changes.


And so Sunday at noon I got into a car with him. Naively thinking that telling him we could leave his friends place an hour and a half early wouldn't be a big deal.

Upon entering his friends house and informing the friend that we probably wouldn't be able to join them for dinner and that we'd have to leave by 5:30.

the friend complained to my boyfriend's who then realized what the situation really was. He got insanely mad. Accuse me of lying to him. Accused me of stirring the pot and being unreasonable and inconsiderate of his time.

His rage was impossible. It was way past anything I've seen in a very long time. He screamed at me and told me to get in the car and told me that he just take me home right now.  He lives 20 miles away which is where my car was.

3 miles into the trip he decides no f**k it. You're not ruining my day. turn the car around and drive back to his friends house and tells me that he will drive me home at the time we decided.


I freak out. the drive to my house is over an hour and a half and I need to be there by 8 to drive them.  They asked me for the favor because they couldn't get anybody else to drive them. They don't really do Uber and well frankly speaking I wanted to see them to the airport. It was a hundred percent my decision to agree to this.

He starts calling my family narcissistic and self-absorbed and unreasonable. He tells me that I should notify my parents that I won't be able to drive them and then they should find themselves a ride because he's not leaving a minute earlier then I originally told him.

I sit in the car crying my eyes out. I am scared that I won't make it. There's also a part of me that is convinced that this is a manipulation and a way to punish me and that if I wait long enough he will drive me on time.

But manipulation or not I can't take that chance. So as the time approaches I order an Uber. I notify him of this.

He flips out again. Tells me to get the f in the car. I waste the $5 to cancel the ride.

Tells me that as always I find a way to avoid the consequences of my actions. Start screaming at me and at this point I don't even defend myself anymore because I'm scared of him getting angrier and so self preservation kicks in.

We got home and he pours himself a drink to calm himself down. And then he falls apart completely.

Regardless of the situation of the last 3 hours, I tell him that everything is okay. And that I care deeply about him and don't want to leave him and that we're okay.

I do my best to make sure hes okay and not at risk of hurting himself. Reassure him repeatedly that things are fine.


Then I drive home numbed out by all of it.

The next morning I again repeatedly remind him that everything is okay. That I'm still going to come visit.

He breaks down and tells me that he's terrified of losing me. He wishes that things didn't make him so angry and that anger didn't push him so far and that he could control it better and that he's very sorry.  A million affectionate messages ensue between us.


And it's such a clusterf**k because both things are true.

He treated me awful. Seriously compromised my ability to feel safe around him. Seriously messed with me and lost my trust for the moment. That part doesn't go away. I didn't deserve anything that happened.

But I still love him. I still care for him deeply and want him in my life. He's still my best friend beyond the messed up stuff.

I made some mistakes. I didn't deserve any of it but it doesn't change that I still could have reacted differently. It was hard because taking my parents to the airport was important to me and I was in a state of panic.

And I do need to be upfront about things to prevent complete escalation like what happened.  If it were anyone else, this would just be a regular fight and it would never hit such a high and scary point. It wouldn't turn completely abusive and manipulative and make me question my sanity.

I am okay, though.

I need some outside perspective and I needed to write this out.

[SweetCharlotte]

I'm sorry to read about how your day backfired. Yes, you probably should have told him as soon as you yourself knew what the schedule would be on Sunday, but it's totally understandable that you did not because of his history of blowups and meltdowns. One cannot act rationally when one is living in fear.

If he is yelling at you, I wouldn't get in a car with him, especially if he is driving. Very traumatic incidents, even accidents, can ensue. My ex-sister-in-law divorced my brother, and one reason was how unsafe she felt when he was driving the car while angry. It's akin to DUI.

What are your goals in this relationship? You have been together 18 months. At holiday time, it's natural to "take stock," and think, "Where are we going?" Which is part of what makes the holidays so stressful. 

[Notwendy]

Hi Miz- sorry to hear you had a rough patch.

PwBPD have difficulty managing emotions. How well they can probably varies on a spectrum. Let's assume your BF manages disappointment/last minute changes at the level of about a 4 year old.

There is a technique parents and teachers of young children use called transitions activities. If a child is playing and needs to stop to get ready for dinner or another activity that they are not as interested in, and you stop them abruptly, they are likely to pitch a fit. One way to help them manage the transition from a pleasurable activity to another one such as washing hands for dinner is to help them soothe themselves through the transition with some preparation- " 5 more minutes of playtime before dinner" or in a classroom, playing  a transition song to acclimate the child to the change. The child then has a few moments to emotionally adjust to the end of playtime and the start of the new activity.

The situation you described was that your BF had a plan, you were in the car ( a perilous situation ) and in his mind, he was going to spend a certain time with you and then suddenly ( to him ) that changed. Whatever feelings he had about it overwhelmed him and he projected the cause of his discomfort on to you.

You didn't do anything wrong. Plans change sometimes. There is nothing wrong about wanting to help out your parents. In a non dysfunctional situation, this is no big deal, Sure, a boyfriend may be disappointed that the visit is cut short, but a person who is able to handle his emotions would be able to rationally manage his feelings. Your BF manages his feelings differently. The first reaction is the angry outburst which takes care of the uncomfortable feelings. Then, after he thinks about it and is calmer, he becomes loving a sweet again. This is who he is and this is how he seems to react to changes in plans. As I recall he has also done this if you are late visiting him or can't visit him at times.

Miz- this is the way things are, and he needs to manage his feelings- and he does it in his own way. We make plans and most of the time, they work out but sometimes something changes- a family member needs assistance, something at work or school needs to be done, and people need to be able to adjust to changes. Your BF responds in his own way.

How do you manage these "transitions"? You need to be 100% in charge of what you need to carry out your commitment. If you need your car, then you stay with your car. Do not put yourself in a position where you are dependent on your BF to carry out your obligation. By going in his car, you put your commitment in his hands and that put him in the position of doing something he didn't want to do when he was mad, which was take you to your car.

Your safety is of primary importance. Do not get into a car with an angry person. Do not disclose a change of plans in the car while he is driving.

Expect that if plans change, he will react with anger first. I know this is scary but it is best to disclose a change of plans when you are in a safe place to do it. Like at your house before you visit him if you need to leave early. It also gives you the choice to not go visit at all and stay home to do your plans. If he is going to rage anyway, let him rage when you are in a safe place.

I don't know what triggers these. One time an old friend was in town and called to see if we would meet him for lunch. We meant my family- H and kids. There was nothing sketchy about this- it was a family friend -we never dated and the invitation was for all of us. I wanted to see this friend. The last minute invite provoked a huge rage. It was awful.  What were the triggers? For one it was a male and even if totally innocent, that was a trigger, two- it was last minute- a transition and that meant a change of plans for H. After the rage, he did pull it together and we met up with the friend.

Previously, I would decline anything like this due to the reaction,  but this time, I had worked on co-dependency and decided not to restrict the things I really wanted to do- that did not impact on my marriage vows- due to his reaction.  I rarely see this friend who was travelling on business, but some time later, we met again and this time, my H was able to manage the family visit. He was able to realize that my friends are not a threat to our relationship. Whatever fears were triggered did not happen. But I also try to warn him about changes of plans as much as possible.

Miz, I would suggest not restricting your plans or wishes out of fear your BF can't manage them. You have every right to do things for your parents and for you on a weekend if you want to. Just be aware that an angry outburst is the way your BF manages his feelings about a change of plans, or you wanting to do something that isn't about meeting his needs. He won't like it, but if he has any stake in the relationship he will get over it. Just be sure you are safe and don't put yourself in a situation where he needs to drive you or be part of it. If this means you skip a weekend visit in order to keep the commitment, then this is how you manage it.

[Cat Familiar]

First of all, you didn't do anything wrong.

You thought there'd be enough time to get your parents to the airport with the plans you previously made, but didn't realize that international flights need earlier check-in times.

Taking the Uber would have been the best strategy. And I agree with others, that getting into a car with a raging pwBPD is far too dangerous.

His behavior is something to take into consideration longterm. There will be other situations where plans change and you must adapt. Can you tolerate being called a "liar" or having to deal with rages?

[misuniadziubek]

Thank you Cat Familiar. 

I didn't feel like I did anything wrong minus telling his friend. That was a mistake because it escalated the situation beyond what it should have been.

I'm aware these things will continue to happen. They have for the past 5 years. This time was a bit more intense than I prepared for.

The car thing is absolutely correct. I am weary over having any more conversations in the car or letting him convince me to get in the car if he's not calm.

NotWendy

Ironically, I am an educator with young kids. I know the transitioning routine well.

The thing is, this was the first time in a while that I didn't give him early enough warning. Even earlier in the day.

I hadn't been doing well that weekend. I woke up to awful anxiety for the first time in months. I think it overlapped into my usual resilience.

I don't plan to change my plans in the future. I'm working hard on disrupting the codependency. (Un)Ironically, when I enact boundaries and stick to my guns he calls me cold. It's a process.

On the other hand, I am actually concerned about becoming too distant and potentially making him feel alienated and abandoned.

I don't treat these visits with the same desperation as he does. I enjoy seeing him but I don't mind cutting it short to be able to do something by myself. I like being my own person.

I didn't really want to see him this weekend. I wanted to spend some time with him and I love his company but adjusting all my life stuff to go there felt too overwhelming. I got another anxiety attack before I came up. Second weekend in a row. All week I'm fine but Saturday morning I wake  up to extreme chest tightness and abdominal cramping. I was better prepared for this one and managed to calm  myself but made me question what is going on with me.  I also noticed myself tense up getting into a car with him. I don't like feeling like I don't have a way out, even though I know I do.

I don't regret getting in the car because it deescalated enough eventually to become a good conversation. I regret it because I couldn't predict it for a fact that would happen and he was utterly awful.


Thank you for your responses

[Notwendy]

I think it is important to pay attention to our feelings. When I feel anxiety, it is sometimes because I am doing something I don't want to do- venturing into co-dependency, when I have over-extended myself.

You two have been in a long term relationship where you visit him on a regular basis. The pattern is both comforting and familiar- you have scheduled time together. But over a long period of time, there is inevitably going to be weekends where your plans may change and one of you has a conflict, or other plans, or needs some time to yourselves.

Managing this is a challenge when someone isn't able to manage their feelings of disappointment and fears. Naturally, the commitment to see each other has to be a priority otherwise there will be interruptions and not enough visits, but how to manage the occasional interruption may also include how you deal with the angry outbursts your BF will have when plans change.

The acronym HALT- hungry, angry, tired, lonely-( and you can add stressed, anxious) is a helpful clue to when you don't feel emotionally available or at your best and need some self care. You know if you visit your BF when you are not fully at your best or don't want to visit- but you do it anyway,  may not be the best scenario for either of you. It's OK to take some time for self care.

Having boundaries and not being co-dependent may be perceived as "cold" by a partner who is accustomed to being the recipient of the co-dependent behavior. Since I grew up with co-dependency as the norm, it does not feel comfortable to me to have boundaries, since I wasn't used to having them but this is getting better. Your BF may feel it is cold because now, he has to deal with his feelings- but that is also a good thing for him. Enabling- and not having boundaries isn't being kind or caring in the long run to either of you.  

[Ozzie101]

Sounds like my relationship with my uBPDh. With him, it's anything related to my family. And, like you, sometimes I'm scared to mention something for fear of his reaction. Then, by not mentioning it, I make it worse.

Earlier this fall, I learned about my family's plans for Thanksgiving. We had discussed visiting his mom so I didn't even bring it up to him. Their plans sounded like something we wouldn't want to do anyway (driving to my sister's lake house). Well, it came up one night in innocent conversation.

He latched onto the fact that I hadn't said anything about it.

It was the biggest outburst I had ever seen. He broke some glasses and a ceramic platter (wedding gift from a now-deceased friend of mine), threw end tables, yelled, screamed. Twice he left the house and came back. One time, he said while he was gone he expected me to write a list of all the ways I had failed him. He told me how he'd done everything for me and I treated him like $&):.

At the time, I was terrified. I hadn't heard of BPD yet and had ever experienced anything like this. I felt like it was all my fault. He threatened divorce and I was devastated.

It went on for a few hours until he was spent. Then he got tearful, saying how scared he was to lose me.

Since then, I still have the fear of setting him off -- more so at this point. But I'm trying to get over the fear and be honest. If he's going to flip, he will. my secrecy will only make it worse. It's still very difficult to do, though.

It's difficult. I know I struggle with the balance: not doing things that will trigger him while also not reordering my life or twisting myself in knots to keep him happy.

[Notwendy]

A good explanation of this phenomenon is in the book "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. Her description of the BPD's partner as "Teddy" illustrated the projection and lack of boundaries.

Basically - we bring comfort to them ( like a "Teddy Bear" )and they have trouble seeing our wants as being different from their wants. They want us to be with them, and they assume we want the same thing. When we bring up our own want - "I want to see my family" or something similar- they feel it as a betrayal.

The book isn't specific to BPD but it helped me to understand these dynamics. No two people are going to want the same things at all times. We should not always abdicate our "wants" to keep the peace but understanding these dynamics can help us to navigate these situations.

[formflier]

Can you give some "he said... she said" about how you broke the news to him.

then how the conversation went from there. 

Have you tried different ways of breaking the news to him of a schedule change?

FF