A late-night test I didn't pass

[Ozzie101]

My husband dysregulated last night and I didn't handle it well -- or not effectively, anyway. Feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself.

Some of the backstory is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331461.0

We're hosting a family Christmas get-together. My family is a HUGE trigger for him. Knowing we were going out for pizza but not really knowing that we were handling all the planning (in my family, group get-togethers tend to be open for suggestions, etc.), my mother threw out the idea of a certain pizza place she thought might be fun for the kids. H was not happy with that. He said it was rude of her to make suggestions for something at someone else's house. I agreed that my mother shouldn't have done it the way she did, but also felt her heart was in the right place. I didn't add the last part, just explained why I thought she might do that. Anyway, we talked through it and it seemed to be OK. I knew the upcoming party was stressing him out so I didn't fight back at him. We agreed I would reply to all and say what our plans were and that we were still working on the pizza place but would let them know.

Fine.

So, that night, he was cooking dinner. My Stepson (8) is with us this week so I took care of homework, spelling bee practice, getting his snack packed for tomorrow. After dinner, H wanted to call his biological parents (they're building a close relationship that is really wonderful to see -- especially since he and his adoptive parents never really clicked that well) so he went upstairs to do that. S and I bonded over a baking competition show, I fixed his dessert, then got him moving on the going to bed process and got him down for the night. H came out of our room still on the phone and went downstairs so I stayed upstairs and folded some laundry, got into PJs, then watched some TV in our room. A while later, H comes up and seems annoyed.
H: I didn't know you were up here just hanging out.
M: Oh. I thought you were still on the phone. I didn't want to get in your way. (It's annoyed him before when he feels like I'm hovering while he's on the phone so I tend to just go to another room so he has privacy.
H: Well, I've been off the phone for an hour. Just sitting down there.
M (annoyed and the alarm bells were going off but I kept my tone light and chipper): You should have told me and I would have come down.

We go downstairs and watch some of the TV show DVDs we've been working through. We were both falling asleep so I took the dogs out and we went up for bed. As I was getting into bed, I asked him what his plan was in the morning. On weeks when S is with us, some mornings he takes him to school and goes straight to work. On those mornings, I let him have the bathroom first while I get S's breakfast and get lunch packed (if needed), etc. Then I take my turn. On other mornings, H drops S at school and then comes back to the house to exercise before going in. On those mornings, I do my shower first and get on my way.

Well, that was a trigger, somehow. He was angry at me for asking. Started asking all kinds of questions.
H: What time should I set my alarm for?
M: I don't know. How much time do you need to do what you need to do and get him to school?
He didn't really answer. He asked what I needed to do and I told him. Then he lashed out at me for only thinking about myself and only talking about what I needed to do. I stayed calm and pointed out that he'd just asked me what I needed to do. I was just answering. I asked him about his morning plans so I'd know how to coordinate our schedules and I wouldn't get in his way.

H: And you just ask me now.
M: Yes.
H: Well, what if I tell you on Saturday morning that I don't want to have the family party that night after all? That's the same thing.
M: <crickets>

He starts bouncing from one thing to another. Complaining about my family. Complaining that I don't do enough to help around the house.

He lashed out about my job, saying he makes 5 times what I do (true) and that he thinks he deserves more for that. I should do more for him. I let that little comment go but reminded him that I'm always happy to help pitch in more but sometimes I need him to tell me what he needs. If he's overwhelmed and I say "How can I help?" let me. I'm not always just going to jump in and do things because when I do, he tends to get annoyed at my being in his way.
Anyway, on the job thing, he said sometimes I'm just going to have to be short on my hours and my employers will just have to deal with it. Or I should just quit.
I know I don't make a lot (newspapers don't pay all that well) but I take pride in my work as a writer and a responsible employee. To him, it's putting my job first.

He was unhappy with dinner -- a recipe he's made before and that I suggested. He said he didn't eat lunch either. Well, I didn't respond to that, but thinking "Well, you're a grown man. You make your own decisions there, buddy. But don't gripe about it and try to pin that one on me."

He said maybe he'd call off the Saturday party. I told him he was an adult and could make his own decisions and do what he felt he wanted and needed to do. He asked what I'd do. I said "What I want and need to do."

It was obvious to me he was dysregulating big time. He was jumping all over the place, connecting unrelated things, making completely irrational statements. Nothing was new. All this has come up before.

It was very late at this point and I firmly but not angrily told him I wasn't having this conversation anymore that night. I got up, picked up my pillow and started gathering the things I'd need for the morning and moved to the guest room, thinking by leaving the room I could make a point and end the non-productive conversation.

He followed. It just made him more angry. He took his wedding ring and stuck it in my face, saying "Here. Take that. You don't want to be married." Said he was calling his attorney in the morning. I couldn't get away from him. He's bigger and stronger. I locked the door, but he just pounded on it (with S asleep next door with the door open).

Once again, he went into the "You NEVER take my side. You ALWAYS side with your family." That's what really bothers me. I've admitted many times that they're not perfect. They make mistakes. And when he's been right, I've addressed the problems with them. I've confronted people. Yet he does not see that or acknowledge it. He's been telling other people (like his family) that I never take his side or support him and that my family are all awful controlling people who treat him and S terribly.

I can see how he gets some of that. Taken a certain way, some actions or inactions can be seen in that light. But I've also been around for many years and I know that they're not being treated any differently from anyone else. S's birthday hasn't been celebrated with a family thing. Well, this year neither were two sisters, three nieces, or either of my parents. People are busy. It's never bothered anyone but I can see why H is sensitive to it as a newcomer. I've suggested going to a quarterly birthday thing so no one is left out. I can't see them as treating them horribly when I know they're being treated just like everyone else in the family.

I'm doing what I can to fix it, pointing things out to my parents that I know are problematic (like having my mom start including H in texts and emails -- she's always gone through the kids and not the spouses just to cut down on the number of people involved -- the kids act as their family's representative in a way). But they're also adults and set in their ways. They don't mean harm but I can't make them do or not do anything. And I never really know what will set him off.

He asked if we need to set a timeline on when things need to be worked out. I said if that was helpful, ok. He felt like three months was long enough. I said I thought that was unrealistic. A year would be more like it. He didn't like that. I said these things can take time. You're looking for changes in personality and behavior patterns that are very well set. It's a process. He doesn't want to waste time if it's not going to work out. I had no answer for that one.

He told me last night the problem isn't with him. It's all with me.

I suggested couples therapy so we could work on these issues and communication. He reiterated that it doesn't work for him and he doesn't see how it would help. It's all me. It's my family.

I took that as an opening to mention that I'd thought about maybe going to therapy myself. That way I could work on my issues and learn better, healthier ways to deal with things. He did NOT like that. Said then I'd be saying stuff about him. I said if that bothered him, he could be there too. Do therapy together. Again, not for him. Waste of time and money. I'm confused on where that one ended.

Eventually, we ended up back in bed and I went to sleep.

This morning he was calmer but still feeling in that frame of mind. But he did say he really feels like he needs anger management. I agreed with him.

He also said he thinks he shouldn't be the only one to have to go into therapy. My family should have to go too. They're not getting hurt by any of this. That's not fair. I didn't really agree with him on that. Yes, they don't always handle things in ways that work for him, but I don't think they're sick or dysfunctional or anything. We have no control over them. We can only control our actions.

That's a big thing for him: I'm suffering. Everyone else should have to suffer too. That's only fair. I just can't see it the same way. Life isn't fair. And I just never have had the "eye for an eye" mentality. I agree with Gandhi. It just makes the whole world blind.

And he feels like he needs to "win." Can't really tell me what that is. And can't explain why my confronting people and speaking up when there's a legit problem isn't an instance of my standing up for him.

Anyway, I tried to assert a boundary but it didn't work. Most likely because I did it in the moment. Is the answer to bring it up with him in a calmer time and say that if he goes into a rant late at night, I'm leaving the room?

Because the problem with that is this: When I told him I wasn't going to discuss it anymore that night, he went into a rant about how obviously we'd have to schedule things for before 9:00. Just like with his ex-wife. Because my going to bed was more important than our marriage or our problems or how much he was hurting. Manipulation. But I fell for it. How do I draw that line without feeding his paranoia and sensitivity? He already feels like I'm insensitive to him anyway.

I'm sorry for the epically long rant. Last night was just a bad night. And everything keeps happening. I know some of it is my fault and my family's fault. But I also see some major problems from him and his actions and thought processes and I don't know how to handle it or what to do.

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[isilme]

Ozzie01,

Hello.  Nighttime dysregulation right before bed is horrible.  My H does this, and it's always when I am at my lowest, most tired, and so the TOOLS often fly out the window.

I think you did very well from what you've described.  

A+ You certainly did pass. You can't judge "passing" based on if you stopped the incident or "made them feel better".

Here's the thing, once he decided some of these things, and hit that threshold to dysregulation, that's pretty much it, the horse is running away with the carriage, so nothing you said, NOTHING was really going to be instrumental at doing more than keeping things from escalating.

He thinks you are neglecting him in favor of your family.  He wants you to himself, no others involved for any invalidating input.  BPD likes to assign an enemy", because the world has to be black and white, and someone must exist to blame for how he feels.  His feelings can't possibly be his own doing, or responsibility.

Yes, he feels that if he feels bad and is "suffering" then everyone else must suffer, too - that's a validating feeling for him.  For feelings other than his to exist is invalidating, which means someone somewhere might think he is wrong, which can trigger toxic shame.  BPD is a terrible place to exist.  Sharing feelings, or forcing others to feel as bad as he does (I think this is a big reason for why they try so hard to pick a fight - you being on an even keel makes no sense when they feel such turmoil) is a way to make his feelings more "right", more "correct."

Also, a boundary can be done in the moment - it does not have to be proclaimed, you just do what works for you to stop taking part in the conversation IF YOU CAN.  Escape is not always possible.  I never tell my H I am leaving as part of a boundary.  I just do it if I feel I can do so and it will not escalate things.  That is my boundary - leave if I can to give him time alone to cool off and me time away from being yelled at.  Late at night is not a good time for this.  Sometimes, us leaving can escalate things, like what happened in your case - you could not leave the entire house, so he was able to follow.  I know some people can lock doors, I know for me that will just escalate it.  My house also has few doors, no guest room, and so I'd be running to the couch in an open room - no good.  Sometimes, sadly, I find it the path of least resistance to just weather the storm until it passes.  If you think you can establish that you will go to the guest room to give him time to cool off, see if that helps you next time this comes up.

Holidays and perceived expectations are a big mess for BPD.  Hang in there.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, isilme.

I just felt very frustrated after last night but you're right. Once the horse was out of the stable, all bets were off.

The thing about wanting other to suffer and wanting to get me off balance makes total sense. He mentioned (earlier) yesterday that things just don't bother me the way they do him. They don't. I tend to just roll with it and take things as they come. For him, it's a threat level red crisis. That probably does make him feel even worse. But there's nothing I can do to fix that. I can't change the way I feel about things. And I'm not going to change myself and work myself up into a (fake) lather over something just to appease him.

With my family, that's what he seems to want. He wants me to get as angry as he is. He wants me to push back. He said last night, "It's ok to cuss out your parents. It's ok to yell at them. It's ok to not talk to them for 6 months at a time. Most people do that." Maybe they do but I doubt it. I know he's done it. He's trying to make me like he is, to react the way he does. In calmer moments, he'll say he knows certain attitudes and behaviors are wrong. When he's dysregulating, he probably sees those things, feels inside they're wrong and, in a desperate attempt to make that guilty "bad" feeling go away, tries to force me to be like him and then rages at me when I don't play along.

I'm not sure what the answer is there. I'm not going to act the way he wants me to. I can validate his feelings all day long but so far, it doesn't get us anywhere -- though it may temper his rage a tiny bit.

The holidays are definitely causing turmoil. And this thing with my family gets worse and worse.

There's one sister H *hates* more than anyone else. There was an incident on a family vacation involving S and her kids (a really minor thing but got blown up by H and my sister's reaction when I went to her to address it) and he knows that when we were teens, she treated me horribly (she was anorexic, so it was a mental illness issue for her). Anyway, we're not super-close. She also has 4 children.

H doesn't like being around a lot of kids. He panics at chaos.

Originally, with this family thing we were planning, this sister and her family weren't able to come. H was snarky about that, annoyed that she was putting her daughters' gymnastics meet ahead of us. Well, it's possible now that the weather will prevent their going to the meet, meaning they might be able to come after all. This sister's absence was one of the only things keeping H from having a full-blown melt-down about the family gathering (which was our idea, by the way). Now she and her kids might come after all.

I'm sure he'll say it's rude of her to change her mind and come after she said she couldn't. For me, I know that with family stuff, any etiquette rules like that go out the window. The point of the gathering is for us to see everyone and spend time with them at Christmas.

I am now anticipating full-on dysregulation from now until a day or two after it's over. Though I can always just give him an out if he asks -- say he can just go out and do something else while I deal with family. I don't know.

[crestfallen1972]

Ozzie101,

Welcome and hang in there.
xoxo

[Dry Bones]

Hi Ozzie101. I'm still new here and am learning how to best respond to BPD behavior myself, but I have been following your saga and wanted to show some support.

I can definitely relate to family being a trigger and also to the situation of dealing with a dysregulation late at night. I know what you mean when you talk about your pwBPD somewhat expecting you to react in an extreme manner in certain scenarios, as he does. In my case, we are going through tumultuous times financially, and my uBPDgf takes my relatively easy going demeanor to be a lack of concern and awareness of the reality we face. I am merely trying to keep it together, put on a brave face so to speak, as honestly, nobody else is able to at the moment.

I think you did well in keeping your cool here. I gotta go tend to the kids now, but just wanted to let you know that.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, crestfallen and Dry Bones. I really appreciate your support.

This is all so bewildering. The thing is, I've been doing some reading and things my husband has said and is doing fall under the category of emotional and verbal abuse. For example:
Trying to isolate from friends and family.
Discouraging work (last night he was criticizing my devotion to my job)
Critiquing parenting skills (I'm not a parent but he's been clear he doesn't think much of my step-parenting skills)
Cheating and blaming others for it (not me -- that I know of -- but his ex-wife)
If we split up, I'll never get remarried and will be alone.

Reading lists of things today almost brought tears to my eyes.

Getting to a point where I feel I need to take some steps to protect myself. Last night, I couldn't leave and couldn't get away from him. The more I think about that, the more it scares me.

Putting on a brave face and keeping it together is not easy -- especially when you're criticized for it. Take care of yourself and your children!

[isilme]

Trying to isolate from friends and family.
Discouraging work (last night he was criticizing my devotion to my job)
Critiquing parenting skills (I'm not a parent but he's been clear he doesn't think much of my step-parenting skills)
Cheating and blaming others for it (not me -- that I know of -- but his ex-wife)
If we split up, I'll never get remarried and will be alone

Yes - again, chalk all of this up to trying to make you feel bad for things he already feels bad about. 

Isolation.  Yes, to prevent you from having any feedback that may invalidate him, or put him in a bad light.  One of the scariest things to a pwBPD is that you will talk about their behavior.  Someone might encourage you to leave him if you talk about him. 

Devotion to your job?  You might abandon him, leave him, cheat at work, find work more interesting than him. 

Parenting?  If the kids like you more, it's invalidating and has to be because you are lenient and good cop, making him be bad cop. Or he feels doubtful of his parenting skills and has to tear yours down to feel better.

Cheating is part of the impulsive, self-damaging behaviors, like gambling and rugs that some pwBPD have trouble fighting.

And sadly, it gives them a feeling of security to think that we'd be lost and lonely without them - because they'd feel lost and lonely without us.

Remember, this is a person whose emotional development stopped at age two, no matter how accomplished they are in other aspects of life.  Two-year-olds scream things all the time and we as the adults can take less hurt from them because we know "I hate you" because you want them to take a bath doesn't really mean they hate you, or at least not forever.  His feelings are forever as soon as he has them.  he has always felt the way he feels now, and always will (even though we know his feelings will change given the right circumstances or time). 

Overall, I am trying to work on radical acceptance for how I know H is, and how it can affect my feelings.  I am codependent and grew up believing it was my job to make everyone else feel happy before I was allowed to be happy.  At the same time, I, like you, don't often allow myself to do more than roll with the changes, want to solve problems, not just identify them, and if I allow myself time to be flustered or upset, it's when I am alone. 

As for leaving when you need a break - sometimes this simply is not going to be possible, unless you are willing to engage physically and escalate things to the point of needing to call the police - I am not someone willing to do that, others on here have some success when that is needed.  It's all what works for you. 

Keep your phone charged, purse, wallet, and keys somewhere you can get them at any time.  Mine are often near the front door. 

[Zakade]

Ozzie101,

I'm new to this too.  I know that it's difficult to hear all the bad things that are said about you and to you but you should know that none of it can be true.  If you are here looking for help and healing, that says something about the person that you are.  You think that you deserve to be treated better and you want to be treated better.  It's hard to not take it personal but it is important to yourself.

How do I draw that line without feeding his paranoia and sensitivity? He already feels like I'm insensitive to him anyway.

Don't you think that you sort of answered your own question here?  It doesn't matter because doing nothing is having the same effect as doing something.  Be safe in your interactions but remember that you are living your life for you and not someone else.  As much as it stinks, it will get harder before it gets easier to set boundaries.

[Ozzie101]

Very good point, Zakade. It doesn't matter. He sees it how he sees it, regardless.

And I've been going through plans and scenarios for leaving in my head. That helps me. I'm making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in DV. I think she might be able to give me some good advice and perspective.