The behaviors she feared in me were the ones she engaged in herself

[crushedagain]

I think that sentence sums it all up. She feared abandonment, yet she abandoned me. She feared my contact with exes or other women, yet she contacted her ex and possibly other men. She worried I was not open with her, yet she never shared anything personal with me. She feared she was not good enough for me, yet apparently I was not good enough for her. I could probably add to this list, but you get the picture.

[gotbushels]

crushedagain   

Yes, a lot of us have been through things like that. The basic dynamic is the abandonment one--and it can feel really disconcerting when you aren't prepared for it.

Also, many SOs have been involved with those jealousy triangles. It's a captivating way that many pwBPDs employ to get 'close' to someone, and also a cruel and exhausting one. Later on you may see what role you played and what a delight it is to be out of it.   

[SlothMaiden]

Hi crushedagain

It's the same thing with my uBPDexbf. He just left the country the next day after a night ended with a fight. But he blamed me for abandoning him at first place. It's very hard thing to accept that you got abandoned like a piece of trash but we'll have to understand that we're not and we deserve better. It will make detaching easier.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, lots of contrary thinking and projection.

It made my mind spin to think how bad he treated me at times. At times he would subtly test me with leading conversations and then throw it my facing, pointing out how bad I am because of what I said in just a few sentences. He also would say things to me like you're so bad that you'll die alone because no one likes you, and then here he is, living alone and isolated. He would backtrack on decisions made jointly decades ago and say that I had pressured him or gone over his head with the discussion, decisions that we had gone with for years and were seemingly happy with. Just mind-blowing stuff.

I have family living with me and many local friends who would come at the drop of a hat. There are people who treat me well and would never do what he did, even when there's some emotion involved. The crazy-making isn't there.

There's a reason that therapists say that it can take a year or more for the thinking to truly get better.

[Cromwell]

How much of this stuff is verbalising inner held fears.

for instance, if my ex would have said to me "youll die alone no one will be there for you"

the scenario wouldnt really bother me if that would happen and it would lead me to wonder why id be expected to be bothered about it - which leads to - its something she would fear so the fearful thought gets displaced.

Same goes for other fear based stuff - fear of leaving, fear of being cheated on. I was upset that my ex cheated on me the first time it happened, but she had this fear that I would do it first. Somehow in her thoughts, the fact she did it first protects the ego?

gobushels: Also, many SOs have been involved with those jealousy triangles. It's a captivating way that many pwBPDs employ to get 'close' to someone,

I look back and notice where the biggest stressors in the relationship came from - the closer I felt we got emotionally, the more the negative behaviour started,  I couldnt make any sense of it. What I believe is it is this exact same closeness that triggers the fear of the (potential) of abandonment. The less emotional connectivity with a partner, the less there is perceived to lose if they discard. Its why I feel that everything was wonderful in the start - whilst I believed there was emotional intamicy and it seemed to gather pace fast, it culminated in triangulation 3 months down the line when she sent me a text saying "i cant handle you" (this was in the backdrop of being idolised by her and on the surface there was nothing at all wrong in the relationship).

So I agree i think it is down to fear rooted behaviour, which ends up paradoxically, destroying any love that my ex desperately wanted in the first place.

thereafter, it became a new scenario - the longer I stayed with her or fought for her, or came back to her after each split up - that - was proof of love, but it was always in a theme of her having first established control.