Wife clashes with neighbor. Trying to be supportive

[guitarguy09]

I've been on here before mostly about my family and my uBPD wife's clashing with them. I'm pleased to report on that the situation is 100% improved and we have actual lasting family harmony on my side. Hers was never a problem since they adore me.

Our next door neighbors moved in a few years ago. Starting in the past summer of this year, my wife has really gotten to know the woman who lives next door. She has a live in boyfriend and a daughter about my older son's age. We also have a younger son and the three have enjoyed playing together.

They both have had lots of issues with relationships or other things. The neighbor and her, when they would get together, would have 3-4 cocktails a night. I would get stuck with child care duties and sometimes giving a bath until later on in the evening, and I felt like I would get brushed off when I asked her to come home (because it was her time with her friend).

She tried to get more involved with the neighbor in their friendship, meaning wanted to get together more outside of when the kids played. Wife wouldn't get text messages back regularly however and also neighbor would never set something up for them to hang out. This came to a head last week as my wife confronted her at her house and they had it out. Then she sent me over there and I talked to her for a short while (last thing in the world I wanted to do). My wife this week put an apology note in their mail but has not heard back (or so I know). Now she wants us to build a fence on that side which I would be ok with. Either that or move out which would seem extreme.

I've been trying to promote her going to see a counselor because I know of the emotional turmoil she goes through. She continues to brush it off since she's seen them in the past (well 10 years ago) and they didn't help. This time I found one trained in CBT and DBT. Any suggestions on how to deal with someone who doesn't want to go to counseling but desperately needs it?

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[guitarguy09]

I should also add she asked the neighbor to hang out or have outside plans about 6-7 times before she lost patience.

[Zakade]

guitarguy09,

I've been put in a similar situation but it was my BPD wife vs. my BPD mom.  I'm sure you can imagine how that goes.  I think that the important part here is to separate the facts from the emotion.  There may be more to the story but how would you feel if you tried 6 to 7 times to hang out and your friend blew you off each time.  Maybe you have some understanding that people are busy and things get in the way but when would it affect you.  10 attempts? 20 attempts?  At some point you would start to wonder what you did that they don't return your call or want to hang out.  To me, those are the facts.  Your wife has put effort forward to be friendly toward them and they have not reciprocated.  That can be hurtful to anyone.

Now the emotion.  She feels completely devastated and hurt that she thought they were friends now the neighbor is, in a sense, rejecting her.  I know that her emotional blow up may have been inappropriate and your wife may have done irreparable damage to the relationship with the neighbor but the fact still remains.  She feels rejected.

It might help to validate her feelings by explaining the facts as you see them and then expressing how you may feel about that.  You don't have to agree with her, especially involving her blow up but this will help her move past it more quickly and you are going to be in a much better position to discuss the fence or a move.

[guitarguy09]

Thanks for the reply. I agree it is incredibly frustrating for her to get blown off each time, especially considering this lady only has 1 kid, has no full time work during the week (only on the weekend), and has confessed to sitting around watching TV most of the time. My wife can't get past it. The ironic thing is this lady reached out to her to come over and hang out. But doesn't seem to be interested (or didn't before) in hanging out at all outside of when the kids were playing).

I appreciate your coming at it from that angle. That's helpful. My wife longs to have good girlfriends but it's so hard to do. Now she wants to swear off all friendships.

[Ozzie101]

Sounds like my husband, in a way.

If there's a rejection (or appearance of rejection) he reacts in an extreme way. Often times, I can empathize and understand why he feels the way he does. But his response is over-the-top and sometimes potentially destructive.

Once, a long-time friend (of 25 years) didn't reply to an email or text that was giving some very big news. He wanted to just cut her off completely. Similar thing when we invited my parents up for dinner on a couple of different occasions and they were busy both times. He said we were never inviting them again.

I've tried validating his feelings and agreeing that it would hurt. But also tried to steer him away from doing something harmful or that he would regret. Luckily we have had my parents up for dinner since then and he did not cut things off with his friend.

[guitarguy09]

That's a good thing. It can be so hard to express why they shouldn't take an action and my wife always asks for a specific reason why not. Right before she confronted the neighbor, I tried to get her to come back inside and we could have dinner instead. I decided against physically pulling her back because I knew that would make her more angry.

I'm glad that your husband didn't ultimately take those destructive actions.