Contact with grandchildren?

[mumabear]

hi-
I am still very new to this forum, but have been reading a lot and feeling MUCH less alone- and much more solid in my decision to keep my ten year old twins with me and go to my brother's for xmas. My mother has BPD, and has managed for years to create a lot of conflict between my two brothers and myself (they have not spoken to her for 17 and 2 years)- but we finally have developed tools to work around her and maintain our relationships. This year has been especially hard, she is being very verbally abusive and I have decided to head out of town with "her" grandchildren. I feel guilty, but one day on this forum and I have been able to tolerate that feeling thanks to the kindness and similarity of experiences I have read about. Latest twist- she is accusing me of "blocking" her from emailing my son- which I have not- he is just been playing like a regular kid with his cousins and close friends and has not been on the computer. I have never blocked her from communicating with him- but he is TEN... .so I am wondering if there is another triangulation attempt lurking around the corner and maybe I should block her while she is so unstable- or am I over-reacting? Has anyone dealt with anything similar? I want him to have a nice relationship with her (she is decent to him) - but awful to me in front of him, which I know is not healthy. Thank you for reading.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I wrote a reply earlier and delted it!   I don't have kids and feel I am out of my element here but (!) I decided I can share my thoughts anyway! 

Rather than going straight to blocking her how about monitoring his emails on a regular basis?  I know a lot of my friends did that with their younger kids.  It was about the kids safety not a matter of not trusting them and they made that clear.  10 year olds can't tell what is or is not safe and or emotionally manipulative.

I am sure a couple more people will pop in and post too so lets see what they say. 

I do think you have cause for concern.  I am not sure that blocking is the right way to go.  It may escalate things unnecessarily.  Right now if your mom says again that you are blocking her, I would say once that you are not and then leave her to it.  She can accept it or not.  We have an article here Called Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend explain.  Doing these things often fuels conflict and comes across as invalidating to the individual.  It is also invalidating to us too.  It always felt like begging to me and I do not beg.  

Read the article and see what you think. 

[mumabear]

WOW- thank you again!

Yes- that article was helpful, and so spot on! I have honestly never blocked her from my son's account. Historically, I have done exactly what you have suggested- just checked things over at night (I was worried that maybe I should be more vigilant). I have been consistently, and wonderfully, amazed at my son's ability to not "take the bait" which I think might be better defined as engaging in JADE - his answers to her more provocative notes are always short, simple and supportive. There have been many times I have read the interaction and thought, "yeah, that's what I wish I would have said when I was younger" (I get a different level of intensity from her as an adult). The toxicity is there for sure- but he calls it "old school" and is wonderfully steady in thinking, "that's just how she is" - which is what I think she needs- he seems to just side step the noise.

I, on the other hand, absolutely engage in JADE behavior WAY too much- nice to know there is an actual name/behavioral framework!

you may not have children, but you definitely have excellent perspective and I really appreciate your time and insight more than I can say right now!

thank you

[Turkish]

Your son is wise.  Kudos to him.  Being free from having grown up with it unlike you,  his perspective isn't colored by guilt and obligation.  

I dealt a little with grandmother entitlement,  but my kids were much younger.  They weren't old enough to pick up on it.  

[Notwendy]

My BPD mom also refers to my kids as her grandchildren. She's also spun a story to her FOO that I am keeping her from her grandchildren, but what has actually happened is - like your son- they have grown up and gotten busy with their own lives. They are polite to her- speak to her on the phone sometimes, but don't seek out a close relationship with her.

You are wise to be alert to the possibility of her triangulating with them. Mine has done that. She's painted me black at times and even briefly disowned me while assuming she would still have a relationship with them and not me. One of her ways of triangulating is to take a person aside and paint me black to them, then tell them it is "our little secret". I would not put that past her with my own children, and I did have some boundaries on her communicating with them.

The best boundary for them has been their own internal boundaries. One thing I have noticed with my children is that they have better boundaries with her than I do. She didn't raise them and so they don't have the same dynamics with her. She has poor boundaries and that makes them feel uncomfortable. I have reinforced their own feelings, told them to "trust their gut" not just with her but with anyone who they don't feel at ease with. I have also been honest with them about her disorder. By high school, they were old enough to understand mental illness. I didn't want them to hate her- I also didn't want them to let her manipulate them. They understand what BPD is.  Your children will also mature and their questions will evolve with that. Explaining with facts and compassion will help, but for now, they are young and you should do what you feel is necessary to protect them from your mother's behavior.