Am I addicted to Borderlines

[truthbeknown]

This past week has been very difficult for me in my relationship with my partner.

We have been navigating a long distance relationship and things were going along very well.  However, in the back of mind i was cautiously waiting to see how things would unfold because they seemed "too perfect".  Sure enough, the stress of the holidays and some other stress for my partner have brought out new behaviors that seem like a familiar old friend to me.  I'm talking about traits of BPD.  I went back and looked at the list of traits and I'm feeling very sad emotionally because i believe that she might be on the "spectrum".   

There have been a series of almost obsessive episodes of focusing on what I say recently and each time there has been a cycle of instant anger which is followed by statements of "maybe i'm not good for you and it's better for you to end the relationship now while this is still new for both of us."   I am in shock because my ex wife used to do this to me and after finally pushing me away she now hates me and uses the kids against me.   

With my current partner, seeing these traits or patterns scares me because I go from her telling me she loves me multiple times in a day or in a conversation to telling me the above statement after she perceives my reaction to her as ultimate shock and surprise.  Last night she asked me about one of my housemates and then went on to ask about the other one.  I mentioned that I hadn't seen him but maybe he was in his room and i just didn't know.  She said, "why don't you go and check?" I thought she was being playful because she does act playful many times and that is part of what i love about our interactions (how light and fun we can have) and so i responded with a remark that i thought appropriately matched that: "why- do you want to talk to him?"
She immediately got angry at my (I screen shotted her face on messenger) and I tried to maintain my emotional state and didn't want to get pulled down into her anger and react to that.  After several minutes of trying to maintain my composure, i realized she was not going to snap out of it.  I said,  I can tell that you are upset at me for my choice of words"  She just further went off on me and i didn't even understand why or where she was coming from.  So i said i was going to exit the conversation if she didn't want to talk it out in a productive way and that we can talk later.  She said, "fine just go!"  I knew her abandonment issues were being kicked up but i also felt that i needed to take care of myself.  I asked her to call me when she was ready to talk.  5 minutes later she messengered me back and was lying on her bed covering her face with a blanket (she does that when she is ashamed of how she acted or is scared that i'll be mad at her (her mom is a very angry person at times).
She told me that she realizes that she is treating me like her mom and she feels like her life is doomed.  She said, "maybe I should just kill myself"  She said it with a smile though and like she was joking.  She can be immature at times and when she is in this mode she says things like this that she doesn't mean- almost like a teenager would.  So I wasn't at fear that she was serious and all i had to do was smile at her and then she was fine again.  She laughed and then said she was sorry. 

The good part:  saying she is sorry is a step up from my exwife
The bad part: I feel like i may be going down the road with another personality disordered person or at least someone on the spectrum.

The conflict:  I feel like i really must like the positive traits of the borderline personality and maybe i'm addicted to it because part of me feels like i'd rather deal with her personality then someone who is avoidant and sleeps around without telling you.

The one thing that scares me is her black and white behavior and amidst her constantly telling me how great i am and how much she loves me as soon as she perceives a wrong doing on my part she demonizes me and is willing to push me away!   She goes into shame about her behavior and then tells me that i would be better off telling her if i can't deal with this now rather then the relationship going further and me telling her later.  I have tried to rationalize with her about this but i feel like she's not getting it. 

She has studied relationships and I know she wants to have a good one.  But she seems to be so focused on what she doesn't want and recently she is claiming all this behavior is just hormonal stuff.   But is seems to much like BPD to blame on hormonal. 

Could i be wrong? of course but i have a history of attracting emotionally dependent women who start out idolizing me and then turn the tables into push/pull dynamics because of fear of abandonment. 

I'm conflicted  because I have fallen for her and really like her positive traits.  But i'm definitely on the roller coaster lately and i think it might be here to stay?

oye!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

youre probably not addicted to borderlines, per se, but there are probably aspects about these relationships, and this relationship model/dynamic that you are drawn to. you may have some ideas about relationships that can evolve, some skills and tools that will come in handy (in all of your relationships).

so im not suggesting you exit the relationship (this is the Bettering board after all), but it will help to begin to explore this, and begin to shift to a healthier model... .starting with learning the skills and tools on this board.

There have been a series of almost obsessive episodes of focusing on what I say recently and each time there has been a cycle of instant anger which is followed by statements of "maybe i'm not good for you and it's better for you to end the relationship now while this is still new for both of us."

what sorts of things that you say?

and so i responded with a remark that i thought appropriately matched that: "why- do you want to talk to him?"
She immediately got angry at my (I screen shotted her face on messenger) and I tried to maintain my emotional state and didn't want to get pulled down into her anger and react to that.  After several minutes of trying to maintain my composure, i realized she was not going to snap out of it.  I said,  I can tell that you are upset at me for my choice of words" 

she was upset with you because the remark sounded accusatory, and the nuances of playfulness can be lost in text. people tend to push back when we tell them how they feel... .she probably felt condescended to.

i know you meant well. all of this can be more easily navigated with the communication tools.

She just further went off on me and i didn't even understand why or where she was coming from.  So i said i was going to exit the conversation if she didn't want to talk it out in a productive way and that we can talk later. 

"im going to exit the conversation if you cant be reasonable like me" is probably what she heard here. healthy timeouts can be a great tool when things are getting too heated, but should be almost a last resort, and delivered gently, in a way that doesnt suggest we are doing it because the other person is being unreasonable... .then it just feels like punishment.

how long have the two of you been together?

[truthbeknown]

once removed:

I was video messaging her not texting.  So we could see each other and her body language turned to anger very quickly.  Meanwhile, i was trying to be funny (even though it didn't land that way) and i was smiling and had silly body language.  I have an airbnb mate in my place that is a traveling nurse and he is a pysche nurse.  He was married to an asian woman and said there were anger issues with her too because her mom was very critical and culturally there can be a sense of criticism and seriousness growing up.  I don't know if that is true but my gf has stated that her mom is very critical and that asian moms can be like this.   With that said, he also said that in BPD there is a lack of insight with people who have it.  They miss normal or typical social cues that typically others might perceive or get.  So this is why i'm worried, because it does seem like she misses my social cues and her reactions are impulsive vs clarifying.  I've spoken to her about this in the past and asked her if she is unsure about something to clarify my intentions before jumping to conclusions.  She claims she can't do this as she is a "slow processor"   To me i think she is too fast of a processor but her processing is set to negative when she mis perceives social cues or thinks i'm not appreciating her.   She said she wanted to be appreciated for asking about my roomate.  This seems very high maintanance emotionally like she can't sooth herself and is looking for me to do all the work for her in this area.  This is what triggers my fears.  We are only 5-6 months into this and if she can't self regulate isn't that a "red flag"?  

Of course it's hard because when she is not mad she and I connect very well. She actually reminds me of my youngest daughter.  My youngest is a sweet girl but because her mom and siblings have told her she is "crazy" all her life when she gets angry she can't self regulate and sees the person that she is angry at as the enemy or cause of her problems.  Her and I have had many conversations about that and as she has gotten older (now 14) she is getting better but there are some times when she is tired or triggered that she will just "lose it".   But overall, she is the one child out of my 4 that wants to remain connected with me.   So with this new partner i am seeing a parallel.  The difference is my daughter is a relationship for life, i sort of have to put up with her anger issues.  In this relationship, I'm asking myself whether it is a non-negotiable?  I haven't decided yet.  My problem in the past has been over tolerance of behaviors so I don't know if i'm over compensating or just taking care of myself by questioning this dynamic?

btw:  what would be a healthy way to ask for a timeout when she gets angry?  we talked about this last night and I asked "how can i ask for a break if you get angry without making you feel abandoned or rejected? "  she said,, "by asking me to end the conversation and coming back when i'm not angry or done processing (since she is a slow processor-according to her)."

[once removed]

I was video messaging her not texting.  So we could see each other and her body language turned to anger very quickly.  Meanwhile, i was trying to be funny (even though it didn't land that way) and i was smiling and had silly body language.

on the flip side, people with BPD traits can be hypervigilant and hypersensitive to tone and body language of others... .countless stories here about dirty looks that were never given.

so this can happen. when it does, you dont want to escalate.

She said she wanted to be appreciated for asking about my roomate.
[//quote]

okay. so she had an expectation, you didnt meet it, and she felt invalidated.

it is fairly needy. we arent mind readers. but this tells you something about her, something you can work with, even something you can validate.

This seems very high maintanance emotionally like she can't sooth herself and is looking for me to do all the work for her in this area.  This is what triggers my fears.  We are only 5-6 months into this and if she can't self regulate isn't that a "red flag"? 

i tend to think of red flags in terms of "i shot my ex husband". this is more of a  . does it say anything about her communication skills overall, or the trajectory of your relationship, that is hard to tell.

you described her immediately getting angry. what was she saying?

btw:  what would be a healthy way to ask for a timeout when she gets angry?  we talked about this last night and I asked "how can i ask for a break if you get angry without making you feel abandoned or rejected? "  she said,, "by asking me to end the conversation and coming back when i'm not angry or done processing (since she is a slow processor-according to her)."

she essentially told you, although shes not very specific.

a healthy, conflict resolution oriented approach is generally blame free. i said a lot of things like "ill talk to you when you can be reasonable" (or worse... .). a healthy break just says "i need some time to process this, lets talk about it in ______ time". its good to summarize the persons position (as they see it), too. avoid using it as punishment.

dont do it when you just think shes being unreasonable, it will become a go to to avoid any conflict or listening. do it when youre getting frazzled, and the conversation has become destructive rather than constructive.