It sounds like you're bracing yourself to detach. Is that how you would describe it?
I feel for you. Making the decision to let go is really hard and very painful. I think I personally stretched out that painful process because as you said it was so difficult to see what my ex was doing to himself. I felt I couldn't just stand by and I was almost on autopilot.
Choosing self preservation doesn't mean that the love stops and that's the thing that we struggle with. Wanting to help the one we care about. You're recognising what that is doing to you and as awful as it is that you're going through this, acknowledging the harm to yourself of remaining stuck is a step forwards.
Keep posting. You are amongst others who get it.
Love and light x
Yes, I would say detaching for the time being with hopes of her turning around. I relate to your prolonging the detachment and holding out a hand for them to grab beyond what most would consider "a reasonable amount of time."
I saw a YouTube video of Jordan Peterson talking about when life guards try to rescue someone, they go out with their arms and legs extended so if the drowning person out of panic tries to drown the life guard with them, they can kick and free themselves.
In other words, given a choice of victim drowning Or victim AND rescuer drowning, it has to be victim drowning. And that's not "cruelty" but "wisdom."
And if we try to help someone and our help is not accepted, we should stop. It could be making things worst and our energy, effort could be spent somewhere else that actually makes an impact for the better.
I think, like you, I tried to not accept the reality for a long time and as the result suffered a lot. Part of progress, I think, is accepting what is and I'm very close to still not liking the situation but truly accepting it for what is.
Honestly, I do wish I could be naive and kept hidden from this part of humanity / life OR mental health was more talked about so it didn't come as such a shock / painful experience to me. I suffered a lot - just seeing how intelligent and beautiful she is and then seeing it go to waste bothered me so much.
But I am for sure wiser and perhaps this long experience will come in handy in some form in the future. It becomes part of us whether we like it or not.
