Maybe last roll of the dice

[Luan]

I have reached out via an email to my ex (the only channel left beyond a letter), after waiting for a few weeks of little contact.

previous post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331429.0

Merry Christmas to everyone, especially those trying to maintain or re-establish contact with a loved one. Letting go is the most powerful thing you can do, and to do that requires rebuilding your core strength and purpose in this life. I have learnt that her emotions and pain are ruling her life at the moment (and therefore ruling mine), she lives with the fear of connecting and loving. In the end it is easier for her to avoid contact at the moment. I tried to write this email in a way that says I'm busy in my life, I care, reach out if you can. In the end, that is all we can do. I'll let you know if she replies.

She has instigated messaging me a couple of times over the past few weeks, but as soon as I express interest in meeting or doing something together, she shuts me down with anger. I saw her at a social event the other day, kept my distance, and we waved to each other. I have written this email and sent it. I am feeling stronger and no longer express any neediness, which has been a positive step for me. I have started socialising with other women and feel like there is life beyond a difficult relationship with a person suffering uBPD.

It was nice to see you the other night. I tried not to make you feel uncomfortable, but it was nice you waved back at me.
I won't go to ***** [an event we were going to attend together], it was a bit cheeky of me to suggest it [via previous messages]. I would prefer you can enjoy that without worrying about running in to me. I know quite a few friends going, and I thought if we see each other that might help break the ice a little, but it's maybe too soon.

I'm taking most of January off, so will go do some camping and hiking I think. I've been so busy with ******[job] and other work. So much to get used to, but I'm really enjoying it. ****[my son] had his school leavers dinner this week, so that was also very hectic, but turned out just lovely.

Maybe we could just talk on here every once in a while? If you feel like it, I would be happy with that.

Merry Christmas to you and ****[her son]

****[my name] x

Thanks for the help everyone, after reading many stories on here, I think I have had a reasonably light brush with BPD. It was 4 months of idealisation, and the last couple of months of confusion and pain. I am still in love with her, but I have the strength and compassion to let go, and see her for who she is.

Luan

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Luan,

Thanks for the update.  I hope you have a great Christmas and enjoy your January off.  If she were to reach out to you and want to talk, where would you want to go with the relationship?

RC

[Luan]

Thanks Radcliff, if it was up to me I would like to build trust between us more than anything, whether as a friend or more. Having read stories on here where an exBPD comes back as if nothing happened would be hard to deal with. I am at a point where I don't take her words or actions personally, but fear it would happen again unless she had the skills to express her immediate needs as they arise.

Somehow my feelings have shifted and I knew I was ready to write that email, let go a bit more. She may not be diagnosed, but in hindsight she gave me lots of cues when we were together about her needs and over the top emotions, I think there is plenty we could work on together and maybe lead to the point of shared therapy.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Luan, you mentioned socializing with other women in your post.

If you were to weigh the idea of a new relationship against the idea of giving this one a second try should the opportunity arise, which option seems more palatable to you?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Luan]

Good question Roland, I take your point, I'm yet to get excited by the prospect of a new relationship. I would take her back in a heartbeat. I've been with some dynamic  women in my time, but my ex lit up my life like a christmas tree.

Why? Because I think our inner child identifies with their belief that everything is possible during the honeymoon, and they tend to find their identity in people with a urge to give. It is initially a match made in heaven, until you realise they have taken your sense of self, and you have become the child. She, or he, walks away stronger, and you are left crying in the corner.

I am going to try and have a normal adult relationship with someone who can give trust and communication. I'm going with the theory of love the one you're with. Making excuses for someone else's rude and false accusations has to get off the menu. Lord help me if she comes back.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Luan, to clarify, my purpose in asking the question was not to suggest the rightness of either one path, but to help you connect with what you're feeling by observing what thoughts the question brought to mind first.

I'll mention I am in a very similar situation right now. My wife and I recently initiated a separation, but still cohabiting for childcare purposes. The possibility of reconciliation sits on the table, but the decision is far off. The purpose of the separation is to give me space to heal from the damage this relationship has caused me and to allow me to establish a stable and consistent life for myself.   

In terms of getting back together or being with someone new, I think about both possibilities. The second seems more likely now. But from my perspective, I am not yet the person who can make that call. Only after I have established a stable and fulfilling life on my own will I be capable of choosing. Make sense?

I don't know if this helps you. How do you view your individual life following the split?

~ROE

[MyBPD_friend]

I would take her back in a heartbeat. I've been with some dynamic  women in my time, but my ex lit up my life like a christmas tree.
]Why? Because I think our inner child identifies with their belief that everything is possible during the honeymoon, and they tend to find their identity in people with a urge to give. It is initially a match made in heaven, until you realise they have taken your sense of self, and you have become the child. She, or he, walks away stronger, and you are left crying in the corner.

I am going to try and have a normal adult relationship with someone who can give trust and communication. I'm going with the theory of love the one you're with. Making excuses for someone else's rude and false accusations has to get off the menu. Lord help me if she comes back.


Luan, I  feel sorry for what you're going through.
I really like how you put these words.
This is how I felt with my ex BPD friend.

I wish strength and good luck.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like Roland and MyBPD_friend really have a sense of where you're at.  Roland made a point about him wanting to get to a stable place in his life where he felt able to proactively make decisions.  That reminded me of your comments implying that getting back together with her might be inevitable if she came back.  Perhaps the time away will give you a chance to get to this place Roland describes, where you're able to actively make and stick to a decision without that feeling of inevitability.  Actively deciding makes you stronger on whatever path you take.  Not that it's easy to get to that readiness!

RC

[Luan]

She replied. Twice!

But first, Roland

My purpose in asking the question was not to suggest the rightness of either one path, but to help you connect with what you're feeling by observing what thoughts the question brought to mind first.

Your purpose was true, I am in love with my uBPD person, I want her in my life, but I want her to want me, something she is incapable of right now. In normal relationships you know when it is over, have heartfelt discussions, cry, move on. This is such a double edged sword, in my heart I feel we are in love, but my head says it is dangerous to ever think you can know what another is thinking.

Her first email was terse, saying she wanted nothing more than to be acquaintances, asking why I said we can 'talk when she is ready',  but thanking me for considering her feelings.

Thank you for trying not to make me feel awkward. I do want to be civil with you, but am not wanting anything more. I’m not sure what you’re hoping I will be ready for. And I wish you would stop suggesting that in time I might be ready for whatever this thing is. I am wanting absolutely nothing more than a casual hello from you. That’s not going to change. We had our chance. I’m moving on

One hour later she sends a second saying that we could be friends and then telling me a long list of things happening in her life, some quite personal family stuff, some things seemingly directed at getting me a little jealous/mentioning past things we shared. While not wanting to read too much in to this, I felt elated that she had opened up to me in a way that I didn't expect.

Well, I do still stand by being nothing more than friends, but I guess I could be more civil myself... .

I replied a few hours later, telling her what I have been doing, offering empathy to the family stuff, asking a few questions, but just being a friend, and not mentioning meeting in person or the small rage about 'being ready'. As far as I can recall I had said 'whenever we are both ready' a few weeks ago after her suggestion that we could meet.

So, now I wait again. She is a highly functioning person, she knows exactly how to behave at any given time, work, friends, family, enablers (who she conveniently mentioned in the second email)... .and then there is me. I have to be the mountain, unaffected by the weather of the day.

Bearing in mind she has told me variously during the past six weeks "I never want to speak to you again", "Of course I still love you", "I'm happy with him (ex, who she is no longer seeing), and now, "we can be friends", I have no idea what is next.

My problem is that she has avoided meeting in person for around six weeks now. I think she knows that would mean a whole new level of honesty that she fears. Should I avoid suggesting we meet in person at all? I am thinking it has to be her idea, as it was a couple of weeks ago until she shot me down.

Radcliff and MyBPD_friend, thank you for your thoughts, I think I am in a reasonably stable place, I am prepared to go on in my life without her, but know that I actually haven't yet. She knows that too, leaving a fine thread connecting us still. She has no doubt experienced this type of situation before, and her no.1 goal is self protection. My hat is off to her, she does it very well.

[Radcliff]

You will have your best success if you meet her where she is. 

She pushed back against the fact that you said "when you are ready."  If you put yourself in her shoes, how might that statement have been upsetting to her?  If you were in her shoes, what kind of response would you have given?

RC

[Luan]

Thanks Radcliff

I see what you mean. I thought I was being considerate, but it can be interpreted as being pressuring? When you say 'meet her where she is', do you mean have no expectation of anything? This was the conversation, initiated by her, how could I have done better?

Her: Look, I'm happy to meet and talk if your intention is not to try and reunite with me.
Me: That's very generous, thank you, I would like that.
Her: Please don't keep asking me back, to keep trying, it's not going to happen. Perhaps it's best not to meet until you've accepted that.
[the whole time I have not been asking her back or to keep trying, I have only ever asked to meet in person and to be friends.]
Me: I accept that, I know it takes two. Shall we leave it until the time feels right.
Her: Perhaps we best not talk at all.
Me: When we are both ready I would like to.
Her: Ready in what way? Because I don't want you to use this to string me along.
Me: I understand. Just whenever we both feel comfortable.
Her: I personally wish for our chapter to be over, I thought it was closed already until we started talking again. Now I feel chased and just have to run again.
Me: I won't chase, I would be happy to meet, maybe on the weekend?
Her: I'm going to pull out of the talk idea. There can't be a heap of positive that you have to say, as you have a great history of being negative and knocking me down rather than building me up.I'm not waiting around for any more of your bull___. [I can think of two times in three months where I said something that was construed as negative, once she was being casually racist, and the other being rxtrmely jealous in public when another woman hugged me, to me they were both minor things, but I now see the effect they had]

[Radcliff]

Thanks, the conversation detail is extremely helpful.  I had imagined your "ready" comment might have been pressuring, but when I read it in context it doesn't seem off at all.  The place (with 20/20 hindsight) where things really seem to go south is when she says she feels chased and you try to set up a time to talk the next weekend.  That was pressuring, after she gave you a cue to back off.  A safer reply might have been something like, "I don't want you to feel chased, let's give it some time then."  When she spoke later about the "ready" comment she may have gotten the facts wrong about the conversation but it sounds like she was accurately describing her feelings of being chased.  Sometimes when our pwBPD get the facts wrong, it distracts us from seeing the emotional truths.

RC

[MyBPD_friend]

Luan, hope you're doing well.
It is very exhausting to try to understand a BPD, it seems like we have to think about our words too much as we need to think about their perception of what we say.
What you describe is still extremely simular to my ex BPD friend.
Discussion was impossible as was a meeting.

Finally it was hurting me too much and the r/s influenced my sleep and moode.
I gave up on an Impossible friendship.
I  gave up on her for my own well beeing and safety.