Undiagnosed partner and no contact

[Luan]

I have not spoken to my significant other for three weeks, whom I now believe is undiagnosed BPD. She has disconnected and blocked. A little backstory... .

Got together in a bit of a whirlwind, relationship lasted around four months of idealisation, playing music together, cooking laughing, hiking and camping. I have always been calm, loving and thoughtful with her, and she to me. Then it happened, over the smallest of things, although I now see I was not always responding to her need for reassurances, and did not see the now obvious warning signs. I also now know she was in contact with her ex. She went distant, told me she was confused, we  met a few times to walk and talk. I was very good at not demanding or pleading, I gave her space, but even the occasional text was met with coldness. When I worked out there was an ex partner on the scene I wrote a strong but loving letter explaining I love her, I miss her, but I would not be controlled by her, and I have no desire to control her, she was free to do as she must. After a couple of weeks she blocked me for asking to meet her again. I do admire that she tried to be as gentle as she could in breaking it off, and she was amazed at my generosity and gracious responses. However her feelings had completely gone for me at that stage, which I now understand.

Since then a good friend has helped me understand her behaviours sound similar to someone with BPD, and after a lot of reading, research (and finding BPD Family), I can say with some surety that nothing else comes close to explaining this chaos. Promiscuity, reckless driving, idealisation, discarding, intense and unexplained emotion, confusion etc. I am a reasonably centred man of 51, and she is 43. She has the need to flirt with men, though she doesn't know why, her father died when she was 9, her mother has signs of mental health issues.

Now I know all the advice on not pursuing, going no contact, etc. I have been exercising, meditating, working and spending time with friends. I know I'll be ok, although I also understand this is like experiencing a death without the body, sheesh! But... .of course I miss her, I am still in love, and now I have this overwhelming compassion for her to get the help she needs. I know I can't bowl up to her and say hey, I think you have mental health issues. I would like some advice for what to do if she reaches out.

I'm not seeking a relationship unless she could get to the point of seeking treatment, so how could I approach this? My own thoughts are if she reaches out that it would require a large amount of trust on her part if she was to listen to anything I had to say. The only way I can build that trust is to show unconditional love, listen, empathise, not judge, and be there for her when she needs it most.

Is it ok to contact her (I think I can still email) and offer my friendship? I know many would say to walk and don't look back. If I do reach out, what should I say? I'm thinking (borrowing from another thread on here) along the lines of;

Hey, I'm very sorry for how things turned out. I think that some things I said and did have hurt you, and even though they were unintentional, it matters a lot to me. I understand a lot more after having time and space to consider our connection. I've always enjoyed your company, I really hope you enjoy mine. You told me that you wanted to be alone and I have respected that. It makes me sad that we are no longer walking, talking and playing music together. I'd be so happy to hear from you when you're ready, and see if we can build a friendship.

I guess it feels like I have one shot at this, either she blocks me on email, or she responds, so I'd like to get it right. Thoughts?

Luan

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[once removed]

hey Luan, and

first i would ask if you are prepared in the event she doesnt respond.

the reach out is something of a hail mary. it could work, it may not. the blocking indicates that she may not be receptive to much of any gesture.

when you reached out to hang out, was it as friends? if so, did she know that?

if youre prepared, i might send only something like the last two lines, give or take revisions. clearly stated desire to be friends, ball in her court.

what do you think?

[Luan]

I think you are right once removed, having this board here is good for reflecting on thoughts and words. What I wrote now sounds way too much. I like the simplicity you suggest.

I am prepared if she doesn't respond in as much as I never want to be with someone who does not reciprocate those feelings. I suppose this is a process of discovering what is really there. It is nothing at the moment, and I'm now ok. If it is nothing in the future I am ok too. I will say that I understand the difficulties faced by partners now, as for some reason the period of idealisation shines a light on all our flaws when it is over. I am now at the stage where I appreciate the effect it has had on my self image. I am by nature independent and self driven, which may be a bridge too far for this relationship, as that was a complaint at the time of ending, but I have to be true to my own purpose.

Thanks for your words.

[Radcliff]

The last two sentences could work.  I might wait another week or so, though.  Instead of "It makes me sad," consider changing it to a true "I" statement -- "I am sad that... ."  This avoids the risk that she could interpret "It makes me sad" as "You make me sad," which she'd likely have a negative reaction to.

RC

[once removed]

having this board here is good for reflecting on thoughts and words.

i hope youll do more of it. this/these boards can support you at every stage.

i like Radcliffs advice here about using an "I" statement. what do you think?

[Luan]

I agree with you both, and I will wait a little longer. In a way, I just want to say I enjoy her company, and I would like that to continue in whatever form it will be. I think the longer I leave it the better I will be able true friendship. She re added me to social media a couple of days ago, so I am happy to sit with that without any pursuit.

Thank you so much for your wise words, I will let you know how things progress from here.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update, Luan, please keep us posted.

RC

[Luan]

Spoke too soon, after a little interaction she has deleted me again, I think this is a cat and mouse game that I cannot win. She said that we can only be friends, and I said that I would like that. I offered to get together for a walk or a run one day, then a few hours later I see we are no longer FB friends. She has kept messenger open at this stage.

It is a bit of a game, I guess she is wanting to see an overt emotional reaction from me, which I have not given. She holds all the cards, and I am sure she would know I still love her. I have never addressed any deleting/adding etc, so for now its back to infinite patience.

I can clearly see a part of her emotions are immature. I am trying to always show that I will not abandon, no matter the current state of contact. Is this right, it feels like an insight into her abandonment pain every time she does it to me.

[once removed]

She said that we can only be friends, and I said that I would like that. I offered to get together for a walk or a run one day, then a few hours later I see we are no longer FB friends. She has kept messenger open at this stage.

"only friends" can mean a lot of things. it sounds like she has hard limits around getting together, or regarding much in the way of conversation. that may change, but for now it sounds like shes open to having some times, but not exploring/pursuing them.

what do you think?

[Luan]

Yes, you are right. I'm back to being the devil incarnate. Over the course of 24 hours she tempted me out, said some hurtful stuff and blocked me saying she wants nothing to do with me. Nothing I can do. I have always been calm and accepting, never blamed her once, even though the list of things she has done is quite long.

I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. She threw in the 'stalking' concept in after I suggested we could meet up one day at a regular event we both used to go to.

I'm out. Such a sad waste. She loves me, she hates me, she wants me to feel her pain, she wants me to express my feelings so she can reject them. She wants to blame me for everything that has happened. She wants to win so we can both lose.

I've told her I care for her and wished her peace and happiness.

No contact it is.

[once removed]

im sorry that things took a bad turn.

how you feeling about it?

[Luan]

I'm feeling sad. I have to let go again. I'll be ok, but trying to separate the past and the present is hard. I have to remember that I have a continuum in my head that she does not have. Bam!

It is very easy to get romantic thoughts, and in a way that is exactly what she has played upon. It is like dealing with two different people. It feels like she is showing me just some of her pain or hurt, and letting me know not to come any closer.

I would welcome any advice, but I know there is nothing I can do.

[Luan]

There are grains of truth to the things she has said, but mostly logic plays no part in the reasons she gives for this situation. All I see is someone very frightened by the intimacy we once shared. For all her turmoil, she must feel some sense of control now that she did not feel before. Acknowledging this and finding anything that can be done to save the situation are two very different things. I do not think there is anything I can do, just the way she wants it to be. Using logic will get me nowhere. Using emotive language will get me nowhere.

This is torture for the person who has a more continuous memory of the relationship. It would be like turning up to work to be told you no longer work there, and being given no reason.

I would love to hear from someone who has found a path through this, but I am resigned to being unable to do anything at the moment.

[once removed]

are you blocked on all avenues?

[Luan]

No, but she has made clear she doesn't want contact. This is all part of the 'no win' scenario. She wants to see my emotional reaction in all its messiness so that she can emphatically reject it - even degrade it.

Hence, no contact is the only option. I have said I am here if she needs, love and care for her unconditionally, I'm done, back to self care. I'm running daily, speaking with friends, and would like to remove all of those avenues that could tempt me to reach out.

[once removed]

Luan,

most ex partners never make it to friends. there is usually a time period of great space, and healing, and even once thats happened, the relationship, if there is one, usually looks very different.

it may be that shes just not prepared, right now, to be more than distantly connected.

is that something you can work with?

[Luan]

Thanks for your reply OR, I don't think I have a choice. If I be honest, being friends would be a way for me to stay close to her. I understand now how impossible that would be. I gather she is already seeing other people to fill the void, and doesn't want me around except very remotely.

I guess I think I have been extra patient and loving to her, she said all the right things for the four months, both genuinely enjoyed every minute. We kid ourselves that our kindness and the magical connection mean anything to our ex partners now. We think if we remain true that they will realise and come back. The opposite is true. It places more guilt on them because they know what they have done, how they have treated us. They know they have created a one way street that cannot be reversed. They know that they have already moved on before you know. They know what pain is awaiting. They know how you will eventually feel, and they know how to protect their emotions.

I realise now that I have had three partners do very similar things to me over the past 30 years. Emotional/physical control of the pace of the relationship through idealisation/things moving way too fast/me hesitating with the pace with some loving caution/then them abandoning the relationship and full devaluation. I think I am a reasonably intense and emotional person. I am attracted to BPD types because I mistake their liveliness/intent for intense-ness.

I also think my hesitation is what saves me as it flushes out their abandonment fears between 4-12 months. Being an emotional person, I have had to self evaluate my feelings through life, and I am hopefully fairly honest with myself. This seems to be opposite to what a BPD person does. They refuse to self evaluate and blame others for their feelings. Maybe this is why we are attracted to each other - opposites attract. I would say I tend towards being codependent emotioanlly and sexually, but really value my, and my partners independence - something that was thrown back at me by the ex in question.

[Luan]

... .and I also had a great 18 year relationship with the mother of my children, we remain friends and have always been able to communicate openly and lovingly, another threat to the person with BPD. Oh dear!

[Luan]

Right now I feel like summing up all the hurt and confusion, lies, misdirection, blame, disrespect and mental health issues that this person has presented me, and sending them off in an email.

I won't do it, because I know she doesn't mean to do all that, and she can't help, and it is the lower path, but 'tis how I feel.

Something she said to me when we were breaking up... .'I know it is the higher path to stay in this relationship, but I can't'

[once removed]

youre hurting here, huh?

there was a gal i was kinda seeing for a few months. id push to get together, and she was really nervous about it. told me "i require patience". but she kinda led things, shed talk to me pretty much all day, and frankly, i obsessed pretty hard about it. when we finally got together, i overpursued... .she pulled way back, and that was pretty much the end of that. i was hurt by it... .then i was angered by it... .it left a void in my life, and i resented that she could just carry on.

relatively speaking, four months is not a long time, when it comes to relationship trajectories, when it comes to building trust and intimacy, lasting bonds, over time. when we invest in the intensity of the connection though, its a huge loss, and a huge blow if that is taken away.

ive learned, over time, and through hardship, that even during intense connections, both parties arent necessarily on the same page. it doesnt necessarily mean for one what it does to the other. and that can come as a big surprise, and even hurt.

like i said, most relationships dont make it to friendship afterward. when they do, its rare, and the relationship looks very different. you mention that you want to be close to her, and that you also wanted to help her. she may not be ready for that now, or possibly ever. she hasnt closed off every avenue. it sounds like you could use some space and time to heal. maybe once the ice has thawed (and maybe not), there will be room for friendship. maybe you wont want it, or what it looks like may appear very different than what youre looking for from her now.

what do you think?

[Luan]

Sage words OR, yes to the above hurting, it is natural. For our four months it was a very mutual thing, but I take your point that we can be on very different pages when it comes to perceptions.

She contacted me last night saying maybe we can get together and talk as long as I dont see it as an opportunity for getting back together. I have, of course, said all along that I wouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me.

I thanked her for her generous offer, reiterated that I'm not seeking to pursue, that I love her and care for her, and would be happy to be friends. I tried to keep texts brief, as I thought she was again testing waters. Sure enough she removed the offer, saying perhaps it is a bad idea. I accepted that also and said to contact me if she changed her mind.

I feel much better after this interaction, to me it says she cares about how I feel, that she is still thinking about our connection as well. It also brings me back to my initial posting, that I can only be with someone if I feel we have 100% honesty. If we can build a friendship, great, if not, so be it. I want to meet the whole person, not one aspect. A relationship would be a whole other step.

Thanks for your thoughts OR, you have been both generous and wise, allowing me time to pace myself it what is an anxious time.

[once removed]

it really just sounds like she more or less thinks well of you, but doesnt want to give off the wrong impression, or go too far into things. women are super cognizant about this kind of thing. after my breakup, i thought it would be good to rebuild old friendships that had gone by the wayside. a lot of them were females, and i got shut down in every single direction. i think they were surprised to hear from me, and wondered what/why i was trying to accomplish, maybe thought i was pursuing something. it made me feel pretty rejected, but in the end, i also understood.

a golden rule here is "dont chase", or over pursue, or push, or... .you get the idea. she balks at any hint of it, so you know what to expect. balls in her court, and thats not a bad place for it to be.