To respond or not...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi! It's been a while, but I moved out from my BPDm's house to my sister's for a while and then I moved across country to go to a master's program. I've been busy with school and adjusting to a new place, but I am still getting what I feel and interpret as harassing, guilt inducing text messages, emails, and cards (and on two occasions, phone calls) from my BPDm. 

I have been (on advice from a counselor and a family doctor) sending her (BPDm) a postcard every couple of weeks to just say hi and tell her what I am doing. I have sent my maternal grandmother a whopping 5 emails mostly regarding my new address and a box she sent and maternal great-aunt a similar series of emails. I've also been sort-of emailing one of my two younger sisters (they are underage in a state that doesn't due emancipation and my dad has yet to get joint custody of them so I don't have any other means of saying hi).

My BPDm states (feels like an accusation) that I am misreading her texts, emails and calls and she is not behaving badly or saying I'm bad (I just re-read the notes and she states specifically that I have shamed and humiliated her and I'm toxic). She said I'm not treating her like a human or being respectful because I've not been emailing her or texting her but I'm doing that with other people. She said I have an attitude problem and mental health issues (which I'm sure I probably have some after living with her for over 3 decades as an enabler) and doesn't understand why I refuse to have the same conversation over the phone with her without a third neutral party listening. I had someone call me in the middle of today's phone call so I had an excuse to stop talking to her (thank God for smartphones).

My question is (based on some of the accusations in the most recent phone call) should I be responding to the text messages and emails? If so, what should I say? Do I just ignore any phone calls (this was the first phone call in 3 months)? I can copy some of her text messages here if that helps you see the language she is using.

Is it typical of BPD's to say and behave one way and deny doing it? Because that is what I feel like is happening. I've been recording conversations and saving text and emails to review because she keeps claiming she is not doing what I think she is doing. I've tried to be honest about what she is doing when she asks why I won't respond to her, but she says that is not what she is doing.

I know that I need some support in the new area, but I'm broke (student) and haven't found a new job yet. I'm not sure who to tell about my family issues or if I should. Most people start asking questions and I tend to redirect the conversation because I have trust issues (after living with BPDm) and don't even know how to begin that conversation. What do you say to people? Most of my classmates accepted that I didn't go home for the holidays due to finances, but there are going to be more questions I can tell.

Also, BPDm started divorce proceeedings with my dad (who has issues too) and I've been asked to be put on a witness list for him. I'm not sure what to say or do. Suggestions?

As always, thanks for listening! BTW, I just got my grades for the semester and I've got 3 A+'s and an A, so that is a really positive moment for me right now.

Thanks again!

[guineap]

Hi! It's been a while, but I moved out from my BPDm's house to my sister's for a while and then I moved across country to go to a master's program. I've been busy with school and adjusting to a new place, but I am still getting what I feel and interpret as harassing, guilt inducing text messages, emails, and cards (and on two occasions, phone calls) from my BPDm. 

I have been (on advice from a counselor and a family doctor) sending her (BPDm) a postcard every couple of weeks to just say hi and tell her what I am doing. I have sent my maternal grandmother a whopping 5 emails mostly regarding my new address and a box she sent and maternal great-aunt a similar series of emails. I've also been sort-of emailing one of my two younger sisters (they are underage in a state that doesn't due emancipation and my dad has yet to get joint custody of them so I don't have any other means of saying hi).

My BPDm states (feels like an accusation) that I am misreading her texts, emails and calls and she is not behaving badly or saying I'm bad (I just re-read the notes and she states specifically that I have shamed and humiliated her and I'm toxic). She said I'm not treating her like a human or being respectful because I've not been emailing her or texting her but I'm doing that with other people. She said I have an attitude problem and mental health issues (which I'm sure I probably have some after living with her for over 3 decades as an enabler) and doesn't understand why I refuse to have the same conversation over the phone with her without a third neutral party listening. I had someone call me in the middle of today's phone call so I had an excuse to stop talking to her (thank God for smartphones).

My question is (based on some of the accusations in the most recent phone call) should I be responding to the text messages and emails? If so, what should I say? Do I just ignore any phone calls (this was the first phone call in 3 months)? I can copy some of her text messages here if that helps you see the language she is using.

Is it typical of BPD's to say and behave one way and deny doing it? Because that is what I feel like is happening. I've been recording conversations and saving text and emails to review because she keeps claiming she is not doing what I think she is doing. I've tried to be honest about what she is doing when she asks why I won't respond to her, but she says that is not what she is doing.

I know that I need some support in the new area, but I'm broke (student) and haven't found a new job yet. I'm not sure who to tell about my family issues or if I should. Most people start asking questions and I tend to redirect the conversation because I have trust issues (after living with BPDm) and don't even know how to begin that conversation. What do you say to people? Most of my classmates accepted that I didn't go home for the holidays due to finances, but there are going to be more questions I can tell.

Also, BPDm started divorce proceeedings with my dad (who has issues too) and I've been asked to be put on a witness list for him. I'm not sure what to say or do. Suggestions?

As always, thanks for listening! BTW, I just got my grades for the semester and I've got 3 A+'s and an A, so that is a really positive moment for me right now.

Thanks again!

[Harri]

Congrats on the excellent grades!   

About responding:  I wouldn't.  The more you try to defend, deny, explain the worse things will get and as you can see, she just responds with more.  If you choose to respond, I would find something there to validate, and do that.  Say something like "Wow, I am sure it is painful to feel someone is treating you like that."  You are not agreeing with her nor are you trying to get her to see reality.  What you are doing is validating the feelings she has.  Validation can go a long way in diffusing a situation.  I would ignore any of the other stuff.  Even if you respond by denying what she says like "no I am not being toxic" you end up validating something that is invalid.  Validating her feelings without taking blame is a better way to go about it.  Does that make sense?

Is it typical of BPD's to say and behave one way and deny doing it?

We hear about it a lot here.  I think a could of things may be going on.  For one thing, BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation.  When in a heightened state of emotions, we all say things and forget we said them.  Another thing that may play a part in this is the impulsive nature that many pwBPD have.  They will do and say things in an effort to get rid of their own uncomfortable feelings and aren't really thinking about what they are doing.

Do those things seem to apply to your mom?

Do you want to be a witness for your father?  What would that mean for you personally?  If you don't want to you can just say 'no, I would not be comfortable with that" and leave it at that.

[nenarox2]

Is it typical of BPD's to say and behave one way and deny doing it? Because that is what I feel like is happening.

Without Harri's expertise, my own experience with a diagnosed BPDm is that she always does this to me. She will pretend that she did not do or say certain things. Or, the fact that she is constantly trying to isolate my siblings from each other and be the sole communicator. She will deny that, but she also denies talking to them herself. It is a strange behavior and I don't know why they do it. I suspect it is to avoid abandonment. If they know that their behavior will push them away, they will deny that behavior, right after doing it.

Good job on your grades. I focused on school as a distraction.

[Harri]

Actually nena, fear of abandonment can very well be a big part of this behavior.  They will say and do things, often subconsciously, to avoid fears and by trying to rally you against your sibs, this would make her feel better and in control of the situation.

Guineap, I also think there is some projection going on there with your mom saying your are toxic and that you shamed and humiliated here.  Chances are she is feeling those things but about herself not you.                         pwBPD have difficulty with emotional regulation, especially with negative emotions and rather than accept things about their self, they will project negative characteristics on others. 

We can help you with a lot of this stuff especially if you are not able to get into therapy yourself.  Also, it is very hard to find people in real life who understand the challenges associated with a BPD parent.