I checked her Facebook - it helped not hindered

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been difficult these 3 weeks, but its helped putting the thoughts down in an assortment of posts here, I feel fine again and had been seemingly doing great before.

I havent looked at her FB except once before in the space of at least a year. Id guess it is likely I made a smart choice there, looking back at the emotional state I was in, anything could have triggered.

But I checked because I feel in a strong place despite these recent anxieties. I had to shut down everything on social media because of her stalking hobby I found out during the r/s, but Im ready to move on from it and live life as normal as possible.

It was interesting to read her timeline, I looked at it all the way back towards the time we were together and it was strange to be able to rethink of how I felt back in those days, compared to now. Overall, it reminded me of happier times and that there were many, at least, I see that my happiness was rooted in how I felt, how I treated her and my lack of sometimes knowing anything worse that I had yet to discover later.

but I left with a feeling afterwards of sort of disinterest. I guess it was reading her comments, seeing her selfies and her reactions to the comments, it was very opaque stuff, the sort of thing you only get that insight after knowing someone better. Which led me to a lightbulb moment - It is likely the main reason for leaving her. Id got to know her up until the point the rose tinted glasses were taken off. For some reason she is also less physically attractive, despite not having changed much, which I pondered for a moment as to why, but not long enough not to want to log off with a good feeling of "well glad thats over", it felt important to do for some reason, I felt better for it.

For those who feel a sort of compulsion at times to want to look but simultaneously hold a feeling of "i really shouldnt". 

What id suggest is tell yourself you will look one day, but do it when you dont have the "i really shouldnt" feeling. when it isnt driven by an addictive compulsion like wanting to scratch an itch, but its done more based on free will and having reached a stronger place. I looked up some other profiles of exs before, for no reason other than curiosity. The unintended byproduct was positive - I lumped her in the same category and logged out with a very sterile feeling of, that was a bit interesting but not enough that ill likely bother to want to again, at least not likely for a very long time. Just a fb page of my ex I used to have feelings for - no surprises there, but nothing more nothing less beyond this. A feeling of normalacy after so much chaotic thinking and emotional enmeshment.

Getting there... .

[Cromwell]

Its been difficult these 3 weeks, but its helped putting the thoughts down in an assortment of posts here, I feel fine again and had been seemingly doing great before.

I havent looked at her FB except once before in the space of at least a year. Id guess it is likely I made a smart choice there, looking back at the emotional state I was in, anything could have triggered.

But I checked because I feel in a strong place despite these recent anxieties. I had to shut down everything on social media because of her stalking hobby I found out during the r/s, but Im ready to move on from it and live life as normal as possible.

It was interesting to read her timeline, I looked at it all the way back towards the time we were together and it was strange to be able to rethink of how I felt back in those days, compared to now. Overall, it reminded me of happier times and that there were many, at least, I see that my happiness was rooted in how I felt, how I treated her and my lack of sometimes knowing anything worse that I had yet to discover later.

but I left with a feeling afterwards of sort of disinterest. I guess it was reading her comments, seeing her selfies and her reactions to the comments, it was very opaque stuff, the sort of thing you only get that insight after knowing someone better. Which led me to a lightbulb moment - It is likely the main reason for leaving her. Id got to know her up until the point the rose tinted glasses were taken off. For some reason she is also less physically attractive, despite not having changed much, which I pondered for a moment as to why, but not long enough not to want to log off with a good feeling of "well glad thats over", it felt important to do for some reason, I felt better for it.

For those who feel a sort of compulsion at times to want to look but simultaneously hold a feeling of "i really shouldnt". 

What id suggest is tell yourself you will look one day, but do it when you dont have the "i really shouldnt" feeling. when it isnt driven by an addictive compulsion like wanting to scratch an itch, but its done more based on free will and having reached a stronger place. I looked up some other profiles of exs before, for no reason other than curiosity. The unintended byproduct was positive - I lumped her in the same category and logged out with a very sterile feeling of, that was a bit interesting but not enough that ill likely bother to want to again, at least not likely for a very long time. Just a fb page of my ex I used to have feelings for - no surprises there, but nothing more nothing less beyond this. A feeling of normalacy after so much chaotic thinking and emotional enmeshment.

Getting there... .

[once removed]

its good to be in a place where one can look, or come across, and be less affected.

[Al Kaseltzer]

Id like to be at that place where taking a look would have no effect on my mental well being, would not induce anxiety, or anything else hazardous to my progress.  So far it has been one of the biggest setbacks for me, but i also think me and you are in different places.  I think for now the compulsion to look is lessening mostly because i realize how bad i felt afterwards.  I do need to guard against taking a look when ive had to much too drink and im not thinking straight.

I think one of the reasons ive wanted to look and would even want to in the future would be to keep tabs on what is going on with her relationship-wise.  I dont know that it would make a difference in lets say 3 months for me to figure out through FB or IG that she is single again, especially if she doesn't reach out on her own, but there is going to be that curiosity that comes along with not being 100% detached.  I think with her i could also look at it in 3 months and find out shes engaged or something ridiculous like that too.

I do appreciate the fact though, that maybe 6 months or a year from now, I can look and not only not care, but maybe even reinforce its better off this way.

[Cromwell]

I do appreciate the fact though, that maybe 6 months or a year from now, I can look and not only not care, but maybe even reinforce its better off this way.

Ever been to the doctor for antibiotics and they tell you, make sure to finish the course and not to stop taking them just because you might feel better?

Same concept applies here

[Jillery]

"A feeling of normalacy after so much chaotic thinking and emotional enmeshment."

Where is the trophy emoji for this statement?   You are indeed an inspiration, Cromwell.  Thank you for sharing this.  I was getting annoyed with myself that the ex still takes up 90% of my thoughts, and reading that it does get better, from someone who knows, helps a lot.

[Cromwell]

Hi Jillery,

How are you feeling today?

90%, you are doing well! is that 10% already reclaimed already then? If so, thanks for the trophy but you deserve one straight back. Such a short space of time here, you show so much strength and inspiration too. Thank you.

Can I also ask;

you say its 90% thoughts about him now. but what about during the relationship?

[Jillery]

Hi Cromwell,

Doing well today, thank you for asking.  And thanks for the trophy! To answer your question, during the relationship he was on my mind 95% if not 100%!  I look forward to the day that he is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning.  I am only 6 weeks out from the breakup though, and I have to remember that.  Of course NC since then (both him and me) helps a lot.  Remind me, Cromwell -- how far out are you from your r/s?

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell,

Doing well today, thank you for asking.  And thanks for the trophy! To answer your question, during the relationship he was on my mind 95% if not 100%!  I look forward to the day that he is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning.  I am only 6 weeks out from the breakup though, and I have to remember that.  Of course NC since then (both him and me) helps a lot.  Remind me, Cromwell -- how far out are you from your r/s?

Hi Jillery

The last contact I had with her was about May last year about 3 weeks worth of to and fro texts, they had the aura of "nothing ever happened" and a lot of pointing out to be happy nostalgia, or that she had cried about me, shared songs etc. before that I had went NC September prior and I think more through exhaustion than anything else, remember I got the best sleep that night. It was a turning point, but I never knew just how long a journey it was the start of. This stuff isnt normal bf/gf break up, but I had not appraised that id even went through something different, regardless of the seemingly bizarre stuff. I say "seemingly" because aporia is their most effective weapon to keep us in that confused state.

I found going NC quite easy but I did it in such a way that didnt allow her to contact me. I had split up from her during the r/s and "sort of" went NC before id even learned the term or found places like here, but it was literally a day later she would contact family members asking if I changed my number and if she could have the new one. It was never nearly enough distancing to do enough reflecting. Even when I had a few months, had started to learn here and had peer support, I still met her by chance and traded numbers and whilst id changed, I know I was still vulnerable, the hypnotism started again with the texts. But I got protected here and it was difficult to do the final NC, but ever since it has been easier. 

Jillery I smiled when you said you had a good day, I recall the first time it happened to me vividly. It was grey clouds, light rain, and I wondered "why are you so happy?". It felt strange, I still had all this stuff on my mind but for some reason I got this bit of gift. It was literally happiness at finding a semblance of normalacy, or peace from the madness. I think it was about 3 weeks after the NC action, a feeling of having just escaped a headlock but regaining oxygen.

Remember that as each day passes, it signals to them that we are not easy targets anymore. I have started to feel better knowing that she wont try again, too much time has passed. Once they get blinded by the light of a maglight, like discovering a rat in your house, its a squeal and scurry away. Its not to say they wont try again but they dont forget and will just be more careful the next time. Once you are fortified enough its not worth their time, there are other new and easier sources, regardless of how much supply was given in the past. I was not discarded but its actually a bad sign, it showed how she must have perceived how easy I could be duped, and i was.

the end result is the same though, no we wont "be together forever"

I cringed when she said this after cheating on me anyway. but it was good to actually wake up and start changing the script.

A trophy for having a good day Jillery, no-one should live that way and thanks for the strength and positivity that radiates. 6 weeks and soon to be 7. It does get better you wont always feel like this. 

[zachira]

You are feeling better about yourself and seeing your ex with more realistic eyes. How good it must feel to have reached the point where you can look at your ex's Facebook page and not be upset, and instead feel more comfortable in your own skin, and proud that you can look more realistically at her from how she presents herself to the rest of the world. So many times, we think we are the only person that gets treated badly, when in fact we are a target because of how we allow others to treat us. There are likely many men who would not give your ex a second glance. What type of men would quickly understand that your ex is not the type of woman that they would want as a girlfriend?

[Jillery]

"Remember that as each day passes, it signals to them that we are not easy targets anymore. I have started to feel better knowing that she wont try again, too much time has passed. Once they get blinded by the light of a maglight, like discovering a rat in your house, its a squeal and scurry away. Its not to say they wont try again but they dont forget and will just be more careful the next time. Once you are fortified enough its not worth their time, there are other new and easier sources, regardless of how much supply was given in the past. I was not discarded but its actually a bad sign, it showed how she must have perceived how easy I could be duped, and i was."

I really like the way you described this, Cromwell.  Thank you for putting it to words in this way.  I think aside from the shame, he may have a little bit of fear about any retaliation from me.  I work in the legal field and explained to him the ways in which I had to fight my exh in courts over every little thing regarding my child, but in the end I prevailed.  I think he was shocked that while I was nothing but sweet to him, he learned that if you cross me, I will stand up for myself.  He truly seemed a bit worried for a minute, but of course I brushed it off and forgot about it until now.  I like the idea that being discarded means he knew he couldn't keep up the charade with me any longer.  I will take any piece of pride and dignity I can muster at this point.  Thank you for that.

I also like how you said she seemed less physically attractive to you.  I am not a shallow person, but was constantly talking to myself negatively in the last few months of the r/s, wondering why someone so attractive would be attracted to me.  I doubt I will ever see him again, but if I do, I hope I have those realizations too. 

[Cromwell]

So many times, we think we are the only person that gets treated badly, when in fact we are a target because of how we allow others to treat us. There are likely many men who would not give your ex a second glance. What type of men would quickly understand that your ex is not the type of woman that they would want as a girlfriend?

I guess ones who want to have a 50:50 relationship and not the equivalent of another full time job.

It has helped me to heal a lot by taking time to backtrack right to the start and re-ask myself

"ok, I know how this ended up but - what about the start - did you want a troubled girlfriend to rescue?"

I just enjoyed the sex, she was good company and never troubled me. But the red flags did appear and early on. There was nothing stopping me from saying "ok not maybe savvy enough to know precisely whats wrong here, but clearly, something isnt right". I had other girlfriends who didnt present these problems, were just as attractive. Yet as time went on with her, she had this mystique that I got quickly seduced into. So much of all this overlaps with narcissism and when it comes to the abuse, its as if she wrote that manual, despite a BPD diagnosis. But if it was that clear cut, I know I wouldnt be here, i would have taken a shower, shrugged it off and not cared. This thing that hurts is some intuition that I got rare glimpses enough to see the 'real' her and connected. it made it so hard to reconcile my feelings, with NPD there literally is "nothing" to love, with BPD there is "something".

I know its a crude way of trying to simply the complexity, but its how I feel and the best I can do.

It kept me trapped in the ruminations this long but I do feel like I started to break free when I gave up hope of ever truly knowing the answer, life also moved on parallel and it just doesnt justify the torment to the soul of wanting to know. It helps that time goes on, if there was that feeling to rescue and protect - well, shes been a year abandoned to her own devices and I dont feel guilty about it either way.

"the type of guy who wouldnt choose?"

thats me Zachira! Once in a lifetime was enough, ive reached my quota. Early retirement time when it comes to that sort of thing. Ive had four seperate people, that includes two therapists telling me that "you should be a therapist"

as long as I hear that sort of thing, it is a klaxon to my ears that I still have work to do to change, I dont want to be seen that way because deep down, its not me nor is it what I want or feel even equipped to do.

thanks for giving me something to think deep about.

[Jillery]

I respectfully disagree Cromwell, I think you should be a writer! Perhaps you already are?

I agree about the “mystique”.  I often told him that I’d never met anyone like him.  I also agree that we got to see glimpses of the “real” person.  Those pieces of them that if allowed to develop properly as a child, would form a truly wonderful person.  Our perfect person.

[Cromwell]

Thank you for putting it to words in this way.  I think aside from the shame, he may have a little bit of fear about any retaliation from me.  I work in the legal field and explained to him the ways in which I had to fight my exh in courts over every little thing regarding my child, but in the end I prevailed.  I think he was shocked that while I was nothing but sweet to him, he learned that if you cross me, I will stand up for myself.  He truly seemed a bit worried for a minute, but of course I brushed it off and forgot about it until now. 

Part of them might get a dopamine hit each time they can deceive. If it is a police officer, doctor, authority figure that gets hoodwinked - as one off occassions - the bigger the bolstering of non existent self esteem. But when it comes to long term relationship with someone in the legal profession, someone who can think logically, this is a challenge to try and mastermind long term, I think you have got good intuition here and if it helps since ive been on this board, there have been all of the above who have went through this. Logic doesnt work when kept in a fog but even outside of the fog, it also doesnt work in trying to understand insanity. Which is why regardless of how hard try to, the ruminations cannot disappear whilst trying to apply it.

I also like how you said she seemed less physically attractive to you.  I am not a shallow person, but was constantly talking to myself negatively in the last few months of the r/s, wondering why someone so attractive would be attracted to me.  I doubt I will ever see him again, but if I do, I hope I have those realizations too. 

By the time my ex would have been through with the programe of conditioning, I would have felt worthless to the world. It is a subtle way they do this but if you look at the motive, it is leveraging emotional control that we dont leave at that juncture. It is mind games but they end up eroding our sense of self, and self esteem that goes with it. When I started dating again and found myself getting flirted with and complimented, it was like id tapped back into something I had thought had been made extinct. I felt still as if I had just arrived home from some long civil war conflict yet in spite of this, could still be found attractive. So it is about how the experience can damage our own self perception, others will see different. It is hard to find self belief of being attractive when weve just allowed ourselves to be trampled over like a door mat. My ex was hyper observant and equally hyper critical about peoples appearance and what that led to was picking up on stuff I never even thought about before. It instills an unhealthy level of being forced to join on that playing field of becoming self conscious. I excused the narcissism partly because I didnt understand the concept, I just said "oh my gf just smokes too much weed and over analyses". May or may not have been a factor and is hard to rule out, exactly what I said before with aporia and what makes trying to find sense in all of this so problematic, frustrating and like trying to see through muddy water.

Jillery, you will build whatever has been knocked down back up again.

[Jillery]

It is about how the experience can damage our own self perception. It is hard to find self belief of being attractive when weve just allowed ourselves to be trampled over like a door mat.

This really hits home, Cromwell.  Thank you.  In my case, my self perception was shot before I met him.  Possibly NPD mother, than a marraige and nasty divorce with another NPD, all while battling my body/weight issues.  The BPD r/s gave me all of this (false) confidence and it popped like a balloon when I got discarded.  I truly thought that this person loved me just how I was, warts and all.  He didn't seem to notice whether I gained or lost weight and is the first man I've ever known who actually PREFERS bbw women.  So I feel like I am starting from ground zero here.  After 40+ years of not liking myself and thinking I only deserve breadcrumbs, I wonder how this can really, truly change.  But I have faith in my T and am starting to gain a little faith in myself, but I want to get a move on already!  Time's a wastin'!

[Cromwell]

Hi Jillery,

Great stuff, How are you feeling today?

The good news is, stuff like being overweight or self esteem issues. These can be changed and it is never too late, in terms of weight loss i set myself a challenge that I wanted to be normal blood pressure and weight for health reasons. When it happened 3 months later, I never even realised much difference in my life in terms of how I felt about myself, besides feeling healthier. Was also a bit lost about what to do next, so started strength training, this time with the goal of increasing lean body mass. I spent nights when the ruminations wouldnt go away, reading books and articles, charting my progress. I never knew a thing about fitness world before I started. It is now a hobby, I can talk with gym instructors confidently on the subject. But it all started with a goal of "well it seems im going to ruminate - forever - may as well multi task and burn some calories at the same time".

I could look back and see this year as a ruminating hellish emotional nightmare, or see it also as an adventure, a challenge to methodically overcome, or something inbetween. Life goes on after this Jillery, but the rate of pace of change is up to us. The tricky part of feeling in this rut is about getting some confidence back, just enough to start the rebuilding effort.

the only thing they find attractive is when we are crying or biting our nails, pulling our hair out. Maybe you didnt do enough of this. Instead you are encroaching on to the land mine territory with questions - about DUI convictions and such other stuff that is a reminder that he had to confront shame and responsibility at some point. How dare you Jillery, its supposed to be airbrushed away, the imperfections.

Jillery, from what i have learned about this combined with looking back at how I handled her at certain times, im surprised I didnt unwittingly unleash an earthquake. But I also know why she didnt, when she should have - she knew me to well that I wouldnt allow it. The reason she was dangerous is because she hated me but had to do everything to hurt as sly and indirect as possible. This wasnt the case with her exs who she bullied, assaulted and smashed up property. If I really was a doormat i would have been put through a mincer by her. What the point im trying to convey is; you are more than likely a lot stronger than you might think you are and did well in the circumstances. I realise this the more i got out of the fog and started to get an iota of knowledge as to the reality of what I had been going through. But even though I sleep walked through it, I was still too strong. Im interested to see as time goes on, and I see your doing all you can to heal and learn, how your perspective may change as a result. In the meantime, i hope you find some relaxation and rest as well, something ive had to actually learn to do but it is very much needed. there is a lot of adaptation going on to not having to live that way anymore. I use to flinch with anxiety also when the phone went, still did at times post r/s even without her having my number, I dont anymore - our mind will heal and adapt it takes time.

im very sorry for that pain you have had to go through but you seem made of strong stuff, it is a beat down and a half but I have full faith that you will bounce back up from this one.

[Jillery]

you are more than likely a lot stronger than you might think you are and did well in the circumstances

Thank you, Cromwell.  I appreciate it.

I use to flinch with anxiety also when the phone went,

I still find myself carrying my phone with me all over the house.  I used to be worried I'd miss a text or call from him, and then he would be grumpy, so I carried it around from room to room.  No reason to do that now, (or ever!) but it's such a habit that I have to remind myself not to do it anymore.