Introduction, I feel desperate at times

[emma1]

Hello,

I suspect my mother has borderline personality disorder. She has never been diagnosed, but I have started reading some books, like Stop Walking on Eggshells, I hate you, dont leave me, as well as many online articles, and that's how she normally behaves. Sometimes she's nice, caring, loving, and then suddenly she starts behaving irrationally.

I have been having a lot of drama this week at home and I do not know what to do anymore.

I think she's trying to make me feel guilty. She has told me how old and sick she is, and that I am picking fights with her for no reason, that she only wants to talk with me, but she is now asking about very personal stuff I don't want to talk about. If I say I don't want to talk about it she will keep trying. I usually make some of the JADE mistake ( I just read it online). I can manage to keep my cool for some time when she tries to provoke me, but she's very persistent. She's got a talent to see the negative side on everything. If I'm reading a book she will ask: why are you reading a book? what is the benefit of reading that fiction story? I only read when it is something really useful (not that she knows what the book is about). If I go climbing: Why are you doing that? what is the purpose of doing such a thing? If I go running: You'd better go walking, you are going to become older from doing so much effort, and put on some make up, you're looking ugly. If I'm studying Greek: you'd better go back to French. If I study French: why are you studying that language? I'm sure you don't need it for your job, what a waste of time. The weather might be a problem and she will start complaining about how awful the weather is. She will also find fault in my friends one day if I tell her I'm going out with them, and next time they will be wonderful people. She complains about my friends sending me messages on my mobile phone. She checks my phone when I leave it on the table, she will tell me who is messaging and how many times. If I take time to reply I will be a bad friend because I haven't replied to them, if I reply I'm addicted to my phone and I spend all day using it. Anything I say can be used against me. She doesn't remember the things she does or tells me but she has a great memory to remind me of the things I said, the mistakes I made, etc. If something doesn't go like I told her, she will let me know I lied to her. She has a big issue with lies. It feels like I can't change my mind or make a wrong judgement about something, she will take it like I lied to her, and that is not fair to her.

She complains about how lonely she feels, but I live with her and it still isn't enough.  I used to make the mistake of not going out so often or going out just for a short time with friends just to give her more time and company. I realized that doesn't help either because she's never satisfied despite my poor social life, so now I go out every time I want to and she complains telling she's always alone but she doesn't do anything to keep herself busy or make friends. She has no friends because she doesn't trust anyone and she cut contact with them. She also says she's afraid of people and their reactions.

Could you give me any tip on how to cope with this situation? I feel desperate at times because I lack knowledge on so many aspects and I don't know what to do.

Thank you

[Turkish]

Hi emma1,



I'm glad that you found us. 

The constant questioning and criticisms would drive me up a wall,  as I'm sure they are doing to you.  It sounds like you can do nothing right,  yes? The criticisms of you sound like her way of dealing with her own fears by projecting them upon you. 

The emotional message of The Waif is,  "life is too hard."

The emotional message of The Hermit is,  "life is to be feared."

Does this sound like your mother?

Check out this discussion and tell us what you think:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Have you lived with this your whole life? Any other family members in the mix?

T

[HappyChappy]

Hi Emma1,

So sorry you are having to deal with this, it must be very stressful. I would like to join Turk in welcoming you to the forum. The behavior you describe does sound quiet BPD. Do you think your mother is capable of understanding truly how you or others feel ? How many truly selfless acts (where there was no benefit to your mother) can you list for your mother ? I ask, because if your mother has no empathy, then her definition of love and caring will be different to ours.

The advice I've had on this forum has been excellent. If you describe some odd behavior in your mom, chances are lot of others will say "Me also". Validation helps. If you are looking for specific advice, then give us a scenario or example, and its easier to make suggestions. But my general advice is never forget all the nagging and criticism is not personal, and just part of how you mum tries to get what she wants. Without going into the science, nagging is extreamly effective, thats why annoying adverts repeat, we think they don't work, but they do, thats why millions are spent on annoying adverts. But the solution is counter this by repeating positive statement to yourself.

But the more you know about BPD, the easier it is to accept, for example your mum asking why are you reading that book - well she probably wanted you to pay attention to her. But we know knowledge is power, but not to a BPD, keeping us in the dark is power to them. But welcome and post as often as you want.

[naturalturn]

Hi Emma1! 

Welcome to the forum!

Yes I understand! My mom does a lot of the same things. One minute she'll be nice and overly-sugary sweet and the next she is livid, negative, and miserable. It is difficult to deal with somebody like this closely because the times they are sweet is what keeps us holding on that maybe if we do the right things, we can keep this in this nice mood. Additionally, the rapid and extreme mood swings are mentally and emotionally confusing and exhausting. I know the sweet mood is what kept me hanging on for so long, but the swings were sucking the life out of me. Eventually, even the nice times I viewed cynically and believed they were fake and forced.

I did the same thing when I lived with her! She was always making me feel guilty about EVERYTHING and I would say "no" countless times to friends and basically never did anything with friends because she would be so upset if I went out and didn't invite her (even though she had plenty of friends and went out without me often!) She wanted me to sit at home and be with her or wait for her to come home. It was draining. She always complained she was lonely too. Sometimes if I couldn't get around not telling her I was going somewhere, she would just show up where I went. She also found ways to make the few friends I had her friends too so that she would get invited if I got invited to something which drove me NUTS.

Now, I don't live with her. She lives on her own by her choice, but complains incessantly about living alone. It's impossible to please her. Even though we live separately, she still tries to control when I go out, who I go out with, getting herself invited etc. We haven't spoken in 2 months but she usually calls and texts non-stop everyday to know my every move. If I tell her I'm going out with friends, she asks if she can come, just shows up uninvited, or complains how I spend no time with her and only spend time with friends. If I tell her I'm just staying home, she then declares we will go out together tonight and rages if I actually just want to stay home... .without her. If I'm working tonight, she'll text and call while I'm at work then rage that I don't get back to her until a few hours later. There's no winning.

She does EXACTLY what you mentioned when we talk. Somehow she finds something negative or critical to say about everything and anything. Your examples sound just like conversations I have had with my mother! This is very difficult for me to deal with and has hurt my self-esteem tremendously. (Then she gets mad I have self-esteem issues) I understand your pain.

Lies, YES! She accuses me of lying to her all the time! Just like you said, if something doesn't go how I thought it would, she says I lied to her and made her look stupid and she can't trust me and it turns into a dramatic ordeal. I absolutely loathe that she does this.

I am so sorry you are going through so much Emma1. You are absolutely validated which was so helpful for me since my mother constantly invalidated my feelings. You are not the things your mother says you are and she is not your responsibility. She is her own person and responsible for her own feelings. I am working on trying to not let the things she says bother me and be confident in who I am even when she tries to bring me down. You are not alone Emma and please keep sharing on this forum 

[zachira]

I hear your frustration about living with a BPD mom who is constantly intruding on you in ways that are hurtful and just plain overwhelming. I am the daughter of a BPD mom, and lived at home for many years when I never know when mom was going to blame me for her unhappiness and go on some absurd tangent that accused me or someone else of doing or saying something that justified in her mind her terrible behaviors. Do you have any plans to move out? In the meantime, you would like some tips to deal with her behaviors. My first tip, would be for you to do your best to realize, that you have nothing to do with how badly she acts. Second, your best bet is probably to go low contact with her as much as possible, and it sounds like you are trying to do that though it is hard when you live in the same house. One of the things that has worked the best for me when dealing with my mom with BPD, is to notice how she likes to act normal with most people, and it has worked to be in the company of those she wants to impress when I have contact with her. This site has many materials on how to deal with BPD family members, and there are many people who post on here with stories similar to yours. We support and listen to each other. I have learned a great deal from the members and materials on this site, even though I am regularly bombarded with the horrible behaviors of my mom and two siblings who all have BPD. I find it helps to post here regularly. Do let us know how you are doing as often as you can, and there is no such thing as posting too much. We are here to listen to your challenges, and also to celebrate the small victories that will come as you find ways to be less overwhelmed by how your mom treats you. I admire your courage on how you have dealt with such a difficult mother, and you seem to have an inner wisdom that is going to get you where you need to go. Take care and let us know what you need.

[emma1]

Thank you so much for your encouraging messages.

I have been trying to do my best dealing with my mother. I think I am doing better now, after reading a lot about BPD, but it is still frustrating and exhausting to deal with her sudden rages. Today she told me she wanted me to drive her to the shopping centre. I replied I can't since I was going to meet a friend and suddenly she became angry and started calling my friend names and trying to make me feel guilty because I was not taking her to buy some things she didn't even need because we already had them at home.

I can't really move out because I have to look after her.


It's difficult for me not to engage in her provocations if she starts raging when I dont really expect it. I need to work on that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi emma1, 

Nice to hear from you again.

It really is quite difficult when the person in our life with BPD goes off like you mentioned into anger and manipulation. It sounds like you felt caught off guard. I often felt that way too when my uBPD got going. It can be scary and sets your body into fight or flight mode. Is that how you feel when she begins to show the behaviour you described?

One thing we encourage here is to do your best to descalate the situation and be sure to stay safe. For example, if you have a dog that needs to go out for a walk, escape the situation by taking the dog outside. Of excuse yourself to go to the restroom. What other ideas can you come up with? Since you cannot change her and who she is, we like to encourage you to stay healthy and safe.

 
Wools

[nenarox2]

Hey Emma,

I am glad you are reading these books and you should follow your suspicions. My suspicions were raised when I was describing my mother to my therapist. The white and black behaviors... .It can be a lot to cope with. Right now, I am really struggling with her as she has been diagnosed for 10 years and the behaviors are more manipulative and full of guilt driven judgement. I will be reading the article that posted to your first response as well! Keep reading. Keep sharing. You are not alone. These boards help. I do not find much interest in the SO boards, but the family ones help because my own family is so broken. I wonder why it is like this. Why my family is so messed up and I realize that we are a product of poverty and my mothers dBPD. It gets better when you realize that you are not alone. We are creatures that need family and affection.

Best,

NEN

[emma1]

Thank you so much for your messages. I really appreciate it.
Yes, I really feel like fight or flight, or I used to, now I know that fight is totally useless, I just feel like running away.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi emma1, 

How are you doing today? Do you still feel in fight or flight mode? Pete Walker (who we really like here) talks about the positive side of the four 'f's': fight, flight, freeze or fawn. For example when you feel like running (which happens to me all the time btw), allow yourself to notice that you don't always have to run. You can pause and ask what it is you feel like running from and begin to evaluate what feelings are happening inside of you.

Is that something you think you can do? Of course if you need to get safe emotionally or physically and need to exit the area, then by all means safety comes first!

What do you think about the 4 f's having a positive side?

 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hi emma1

Hope you're feeling a bit more chipper (in a good mood). You say you can't move out, but would you be able to get someone else to help with your Mom ? Even for an evening or two, so you could have something to look forward too, a break ?
A relative, paid for help or even a paging system for when you're with a neighbour ?

If you get a bit of a break, you might be able to focus on the tips Woolspiner gave you. When I went for Therapy, I was told I was initial too agitated for it to work. I  couldn't focus on it properly. Can you imagine going to a Therapist to be told, "No you're too ill." They were right though. You'll get there, I did.  Be good to yourself.

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