27 years to understand my relationship

[goatclimbing]

My first post. Sorry it's lengthy... .

Short Story... .

I've been with my wife since we were teenagers. She had much trauma in her childhood - born "not perfect" in her own eyes (but she is 100% perfect and beautiful), lost mother suddenly at a young age, father remarried months later after being very promiscuous with her in tow. I wanted to save her. I was stable, patient and kind. Now 27 years later I need to save myself having unleashed BPD hell on myself. I have no energy reserves and I can't help but see her as a cruel manipulative person.

Long Story... .

This is my first and only real realtionship. I knew she was a challenge but I thought I could fix her. She was fragile, creative, complicated, firey and beautiful. However at age 20 I found it too much to handle. I was fundamentally a happy person. She wasn't. I tried to break up. She threatened suicide. I stayed in the relationship and we got engaged and married soon after at 23. We now have teenage kids.

We've mostly had a really good relationship, but small corrosive and constant things have eroded my patience and empathy. The circular arguments where NO apology is good enough until she sees me lose my temper. I used to be driven to break something before she would stop "It's all about YOU isnt it." The constant playing victim at EVERY opportunity. The destruction of nice events - I slowly stopped bothering so much with b'days etc as I knew she would create a reason to explode. The driving away of ANY female friend or colleague by her being rude. The twisting of events to make me react in a bad way - sometimes I feel I needed a video replay or that I was going mad. The best way I can describe the relationship is like walking around an emotional forest that is boobie trapped. You don't know when or where the trap is set. But it's going to get you.

Over the years of raising kids I retreated. I was a workaholic. The intimacy and sex disappeared. We were still pretty good friends. But she was ALWAYS angry. She stopped wearing her rings years ago and the kids then noticed. One day on holiday she exploded at me in front of the kids for 20 minutes for not folllowing her into a shop to look at something. It felt abusive and on that day I called it that.

I have always wondered "Are all women like this? Maybe they are behind closed doors." Over time I fantised about simply dating some women like I would have done aged 20. I had a few failed attempts at dating sites over the years. Then about 18 months ago I made a concerted effort to get it out of my system. I thought it would validate that my relationship was hard, but normal. It didn't. I met 5 people. It was really fun just meeting and acting out a fantasy. Then I met a woman who I just really clicked with. She was happy, content and kind. Within 2 minutes I felt like I'd been let out of an emotional prison. "This is how a relationship can be!"

I felt completely guilt-ridden. I had never in 27 years had an affair. And now I felt this was something I needed to do. After not sleeping I confessed to my wife I'd dated other women and that monogamy was a farce. She exploded. It was cruel and stupid in hindsight. She hit me on a couple of occasions. And then she spent the next 8 months crying on and off ever day. I tried to open the subject up in a rational way but every time I got abuse.

I tried valliantly to win her back. Holidays, dates, presents etc. But she repelled. It was weird. It started to feel like something else was going on in her life. It didn't add up. Then she went away with a girlfriend and ended up in a foreign city with a married former collegue "by complete conicidence" who's been in and out of her life for 20 years - he lives around the corner and I know all about his wife but I've never met her. When she didn't normalise the coincidence even when in the same place with him (thanks social media) or on a phone call with me I knew what my heart told me that there was something going on. I called it. She denied it vigorously. She asserted I was projecting something in my life on her. I considered ending my own life. She was gaslighting me and it nearly worked. I nearly thought I was going mad! Then I said I'm divorcing you. It felt great for a moment. I was in charge of my own life.

From there it was complete hellfire. She weaponised the children telling them everything I was accusing her of. She woke me from my sleep to tell me I'd blocked her on social media when she'd blocked me. She told me I'd given her HIV and dragged me to an STD clinic. She threw cups at me and accused me of living a double life. She hit me when I asserted she'd had an affair. She hit me when I refused to give her full access to my messaging accounts. She rang me and told me she was actively taking sleeping pills to end her life. It was utter madness.

We went into couples and individual therapy. I learned some reallly good simple methods for not dragging myself into her pain. She dodged therapy altogether. The more I read and tried to self improve the more I scrapped on things that resonated. I found a blog that mentioned the book "I hate you, don't leave me". It was about BPD. I downloaded the book and consumed it. It felt like I understood my wife for the first time. A hand manual.

She finally agreed to commiting to therapy. She has made progress but she now still wakes up 3 times out of 4 crying. It's awful. I suffer depression myself and now feel unless I am avoiding her, sleeping or exercising that I am i crisis.

I know what I have done is my own doing. I've made a very bad situation. Perhaps subconsciously I knew I was destructing the marriage. I want to make things work for my kids. But I can't seem to reset the way I think about her as being cruel and manipulative. We always come back to the affair I'm accusing her of. She then becomes a weirdly obedient servile housewife. Things get a bit better. Then she slams me for my misdemeanors and then it all starts again.

Sometimes I don't see any way out. She wants stability and commitment. But I no longer have that in me... .I can only view her as cruel and manipluative.

Has anyone been able to reset the way they think about each other from such a broken base?

Thanks for your time in reading. x

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Q-DawgVFR]

As someone who has traveled a few common places (open relationship discussion, both having affairs), I can identify with the hurt and pain those things can cause in a marriage.   I never in a million years thought I could have an affair,  nor did I think that would ever be done to me.  Silly me.  Anything is possible.

Which brings me to the point I'll make: Anything is possible.

I'm still working that out in my situation too: Can it be saved?  I think there's a remote possibility.

But the question I'm now asking myself more is: SHOULD it be saved?  What can people in situations like this realistically expect at this point? 

And it reminds me of a certain saying:

You know what is the best thing about beating your head against a brick wall?

It feels really good when you stop!

I don't know the answers for any certainty,  but I feel like there's a point where the smart thing to do is admit it doesn't work anymore.   Only you two can decide what that point is.

Wishing you a peaceful and Merry Christmas, friend

[Red5]

Wow... .both of your posts... .‘Q-DawgVFR, & ‘goatclimbing’ sounds like my first marriage, which lasted twenty one years.

Uncanny similarity... .and my second experience in marriage as well... .it’s like we are writing the exact same “checklist”.

I finally divorced my first wife after she abandoned me and the our three children, for the second time in ten years time, by that time all they were teenagers.

Then after the divorce was final, and I was a single father... .I began to date, a huge mistake.

The second “date” I eventually married after almost four years of “dating”, we got married on New Years day... .about eleven years ago now.

So, fast forward to today... .

She (uBPDw #2) moved out on the first weekend of December, a little over three weeks ago now.

I am quite sure she is BPD, as was my first wife,

My story is long, so I won’t bore either of you with it.

Only to say, you my friends ar not alone on your journeys, or your experiences in regards to living in a marriage with a BPD; either diagnosed or not... .

All I can say, is to trust your gut instinct... .and to do your best to learn all you can about this behavior disorder, this will help you in your journeys... .to know and understand the “why” is like wearing armor!... .like having the enigma machine to read the “coded messages” in real time.

Sounds like we are all three caretakers, and all three of us have spent decades doing this.

This takes a certain toll on you both emotionally, and as well physically.

*depression
*comstant anxiety
*high blood pressure
*threat of stroke
*threat of heart attack

Anyways, it always intrigues me, in some weird and terrible way to read my exact same story, but it’s someone else whom is doing the storytelling.

*bad childhoods
*acting out
*I love you I hate you
*egg shells = land mines
*constant dysregulations, fighting, coming absolutely unglued

... .it’s all there in both your stories.

Right out of the DSM checklist for borderline personality disorder... .so sad... .it’s almost as if, we never stood a chance from the very beginning... .

You’ve come to a great place here, lots to learn, and take aboard... .so “lurk” at will!

Yes, so similar... .so familiar... .wow.

Keep posting... .and welcome to this site!

Kind regards, Red5

[goatclimbing]

Thanks for your responses Q-DawgVFR and @Red5 Nice to feel not alone in this situation... .

@Q-DawgVFR Yes these things do damage a marriage. Can you imagine a more treacherous thing to do than try negotiate an open relationship with a BPD! I've thought since probably survival and hapiness is easiest found outside the marriage... .But it's not something I enjoy the sneaking around etc Plus managing a BPD takes all your energy I could have never been bothered trying to juggle another relationship. Hope your situation gets better. I hope actually you have a choice. I don't feel I have any. Not when I was young or now. The risk of ending the marriage and leaving my kids to weather the storm doesn't even seem like an option. It's awful feeling that lack of control. Makes me want to run even faster away from it.

@Red5
*bad childhoods
*acting out
*I love you I hate you
*egg shells = land mines
*constant dysregulations, fighting, coming absolutely unglued

Yes I hear you on that. Bang on! Sorry you've found yourself in that again. How did you miss the signs in a second marriage? Did the personality traits differ and manifest themselves differently. I know for me when I went window shopping the key things that I hated were very simple - someone who could accept a compliment and an apology and who didn't play victim. When I saw the same traits in another woman I felt it was a challenge. Another difficult woman. Then I realised I was attracted to women who were just messed up.

Glad you have some respite from it now!