Hurting after separation

[ToughLove18]

Hello,

I am very heartbroken about my separation from my BPD ex. We were together eight years and have two kids. I moved out 11 months ago, but was charmed and living back in our family home for another three months before it all ended again.

Just six months ago she was asking me to move back in permanently, saying her life was incomplete without me and she wanted to get married. There was infidelity (on her part) and a lot of issues with her lying about me and really lashing out and causing legal troubles.

In my mind I know I dealt with a lot of abuse I didn't deserve. But I also love her in my heart and the more I learn about BPD, the more I wish I would have understood the best practices for dealing with a BPD significant other during our relationship. I took everything personally and reacted on intuition. I am filled with regret about "what ifs" and how I could have better responded and shown my love. Some days I feel done with the whole thing and glad things didn't get worse (I have 50/50 custody). On the other hand I secretly hope to get another chance to make everything ok and be a family again and too apply what I'm learning about BPD and show my empathy and support. She has moved on and has a new man in her life. But something tells me this isn't the end for us, that she might come charming again. At that point I won't know what to do.

I worry about her and want her to be careful. I love her and just wish there was some way to "go back in time" and handle her outbursts better. But I would also need respect from her, and she never seemed willing to change or respect my boundaries.

What's a guy to do? Should I just give up on this person? The love of my life, mother of my kids. The pain doesn't seem to be going away.

Please help me work through my mixed feelings!

[Jillery]

Hi ToughLove,

You have been so very kind and supportive with my situation, I hope I can do the same for you.  

I can’t imagine going through this with children and so much history involved.  

The what-ifs are so hard.  But the reality is no matter how kind, knowledgeable you are or could’ve been if you had known what you know now, something would’ve triggered her.  Something you wouldn’t even understand would be triggering.  It was bound to happen no matter what you did or didn’t do.  

I can tell by your words here and to me, that you are an incredibly compassionate and caring individual.  I believe I am those things too and my T has been hitting home how much I deserve and how much it is possible for me to be loved in the way that I love.  That I deserve the kind of love that I give.  And that by tolerating this sort of “part time love” by the BPD, I wasn’t being kind or loyal.  I was not loving myself.  A person doesn’t love you more because you love yourself less.  

I hope I am making sense.  I see true happiness in your future.  I can tell that you have so much love to give.  The further you get from this separation period the more you will start to make sense of things.  Since everything is so raw still, be kind to yourself, let the feelings come.  I find that holding them in just makes them multiply.  

You will get through this TL.  And so will I.  We just have be patient and kind to ourselves.  

[ToughLove18]

Thank you for your kind words Jillery. That was my first post so it's possible you might be confusing me for another ToughLove on here? I just registered tonight.

The hardest part is my kids being over there. She has this thing where she "accidentally" gets pregnant. She did it with her first husband, then with me (mere months after he moved out and in the middle of their divorce).

She now has this man that spent 5 days with my kids over the Christmas holiday (they never met him prior). He lives 2,000 miles away. She claims he is moving in. I just worry she is going to do her pregnancy trap thing again, that it will just make her spiral out of control as a person and parent. This guy can't possibly know what he is getting into. He is being lovebombed, and I have this urge to warn him (I haven't).

I just know I'm going to get this call or email that she is pregnant and the new man is moving in, and I will know there is a ticking time bomb over at the house my kids spend half their time in. I'm not confident other men will deal with her issue the way I did. It could get very chaotic and damaging for the kids. I just wish she could slow down and not make any sudden, impulsive decisions. Like obsessing over a man and getting pregnant again. It's all very sad to watch. I've tried to share my concerns and she doesn't listen. It seems the people in her life, like her parents, are just enablers. She is young, not even 30 years old. Lots of potential, highly functioning and smart. BPD-lite most the time (but when it gets bad it gets bad).

I feel like sometimes I'm in the twilight zone and I'm the only person who sees where this is headed (more kids out of wedlock and custody fighting). It's like I'm the only person who both knows she has a personality disorder and cares about her. Plenty of people know she has a problem, but I think I'm the only one who really worries about her as a true friend. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Thanks again for the supportive words. I really need it.

[Jillery]

Apologies! Yes, I did confuse you with another member.  I am one month into the breakup and my head is still so jumbled that I am very forgetful and unfocused lately.  I am usually not this way at all (Type A over here).

This board and a skilled therapist have truly been lifesavers for me.  Keep posting even if you feel like you’re repeating yourself.  Members get it and are very responsive.  Please consider a therapist if you haven’t already.  I began therapy due to this breakup and after only 3 sessions, I can see how much it helped me get over the hump.  Getting over the hump for me was finally alleviating most of the panicky, nauseous feeling.  I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  It still happens, but is not constant.

We are here for you and are all in this together.  

[once removed]

hi ToughLove18, i want to join Jillery and say

how did things end? who took the step of breaking up?

[Mutt]

Hi ToughLove18,

I feel like sometimes I'm in the twilight zone and I'm the only person who sees where this is headed (more kids out of wedlock and custody fighting). It's like I'm the only person who both knows she has a personality disorder and cares about her. Plenty of people know she has a problem, but I think I'm the only one who really worries about her as a true friend. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

I understand feeling like you're in the Twilight Zone it feels like everyone else doesn't understand what you're going through - perhaps you feel like you're going through something unique that has never happened to someone else. You're not alone a lot of people here get it, it's a huge relief to talk to others just like you, on that note are you talking to a T? (Therapist)

A pwBPD can usually keep things together when they are in public it's the people that they have relationships with that see the acting out. It's hard to watch someone make choices where you may think that they have blinders on they're not seeing all of the angles of a given situation usually due to lack of impulse control or thinking emotionally and not rationally. You have have more control over your emotions and impulses to step back and look at the bigger picture, sadly this is not always the case w/ a pwBPD it's not to say that they don't have the intelligence a pwBPD come from all walks of life but emotional dysregulation, interpreting feelings as fact and impulsitivity.

What is a huge help to healing is learning about the disorder, talking to people that share similar experiences and talking to a counsellor or a T.

[Lucky Jim]

I am filled with regret about "what ifs" and how I could have better responded and shown my love.

Hey TL18, Welcome!  Don't beat yourself up.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, sad to say, because most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is.  The stress, drama and turmoil become too great a burden over the long haul.

I have kids w/my BPDxW and understand how hard it is to leave the mother of one's children.  It's painful, I know, yet at the end of the day you are doing what is right for you, which demonstrates authenticity and self-awareness.

I'm here to confirm that, in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, it's possible to find greater happiness, which in my view is what it's all about.

LuckyJim

[Luan]

TL18,

I was in only a 4 month relationship with my undiagnosed exgf, but I can relate to your frustration of being the only one who sees the behaviours. It would be so much more emotionally intense considering your children's involvement too. Wanting another chance with the knowledge gained is a common thread here, understandable with your situation. I empathise with your current situation and I'm glad you have reached out on here for support.

For what it is worth, I agree with you that anything you can do to slow down her actions, and especially your reactions, at this point would be good. Any confrontations, as you no doubt know, can only serve to weaken connections. My ex, as would seem to be common for someone with BPD, is highly emotionally intuitive, so she knows whenever I am trying to swing things to my way of thinking. Letting go of any attachment to outcomes has been the only way I can move forward. That means having one outcome in each hand, the good and bad scenarios, and weighing them like a set of scales. I cannot control the outcome, only my reaction to it. If the worst outcome transpires, then so be it, I will be ready for it, and not live in fear of it. In this way, I become a better ally to myself, and the possibility of a more positive outcome grows. I hope this makes sense?

My exBPDgf didn't like it when I said I was unattached to outcomes, she sensed she did not have the emotional control over me that she needs/wants to feel empowered. But I felt as though I had begun to take back some self control after being left without any choices.

Luan