Important distinctions between NPD and BPD and their impact on paths to healing

[aslowrealization]

Although these boards primarily focus on situations where one is dealing with someone who is exhibiting traits of BPD, NPD is also discussed as, from what I understand, a lot of the behavior patterns are similar and the disorders often occur simultaneously in the same person. When it comes to the person in my life (my mother), although I have only just recently come to these boards and other BPD-focused spaces (such as books), I've been on this journey for several years and while I cannot (and will not) diagnose my mother with either disorder, the traits and behavior patterns that I observe are much more strongly aligned with NPD (which is why I use "uNPD" when I talk about her here and try as much to say "traits of NPD" or even just "PD-traited behavior").

Because of this, I thought I'd get a conversation started on how folks' experiences of people with NPD traits versus BPD traits may differ. This is not to overly focus on labelling anyone but I think it may help explain some things, such as why folks like me who are dealing more in the NPD arena can feel like their situations are less serious and severe, particularly in BPD spaces or why folks dealing with BPD may face different challenges in choosing to limit contact than folks dealing more on the NPD end. And, if you are dealing with someone who exhibits traits of both, this might help explain some of the complicated, mixed emotions you have when choosing a course of action and response.

Here are some things I've noticed/experienced (and, again, I have been working with the NPD descriptors for a while now, but not the BPD ones):

- Both behavior patterns deal with relationship attachment and communication styles that involve emotional manipulation and abuse.
- Both behavior patterns involve the PD-traited person seeing others (or a select few targeted others) as extensions of themselves.
- BPD seems like it's more of a white hot emotional connection (that can become explosive) while NPD seems like it's more of a subatomic particle freezing lack of an emotional connection.
- With BPD cases (on the severe end), there seems to be more behavior that aligns with the mental health designation of "disorder" (due to behavior such as suicide attempts, anger outbursts, etc.) while with NPD cases, depending what culture/community you live in, the behavior of the person can actually be considered admirable (and that person, held in high regard as not only "normal" but excellent and outstanding... .who we often need to be in the workplace to make a living and in family life to raise "successful" children plays into this).
- More BPDs seem to actually get diagnosed and work on their behavior patterns than NPDs (who are more likely not to have an awareness that there are problems with the behavior patterns at all).
- (huge projection here but thought I'd put it out there) NC (or any reduced contact) with a BPD may result in more grief/sadness while NC may result in more guilt (due to the existence of a mutual emotional connection with the BPD that may not exist at all with the NPD once you look deep down).

I know that these are generalizations and can never 100% encompass every situation... .but I hope by starting this off by speaking in generalizations we might be able to tease out some important distinctions that will help more people break through the barrier of disbelief (this is especially tough when emotional abuse does not include the, for lack of a better word, "outrageous" behavior that you might see with more severe cases of either disorder) and to understand where and why they may have experiences that differ from many of the BPD cases if they're more on the NPD side of things, or from the NPD cases if they're more on the BPD side of things.

This isn't meant to create divisions or start "who suffers more" kinds of conversations... .I'm hoping it will bring some clarity to our own experiences and possible frustrations and self-criticism even in this healing space so that we can continue working on understanding ourselves better and building more peaceful relationships (of lack thereof) with the PD-traited person(s) in our lives.

Please feel free to add your own observations... .and don't worry if they feel like generalizations or like you're oversimplifying for now... .once we have a solid list, maybe we can start to tease out how the ones we would like to discuss more might impact our experiences both with the PD-traited person and with ourselves as we seek out healing in BPD/NPD spaces (including therapy, books, and of course, forums like this one!).

[DharmaGate]

Hey nice idea! I hadn’t thought of it till I read your post but mom uBPD I couldn’t predict what was going to happen and felt more like a victim.  Dad unpd, was and is very predictable and I can become more of a persecutor or enabler to him. As sick as it is I can predict what he is up to! Thanks great idea

[itsmeSnap]

I've had a string of failed relationships, have a high sense of self (even though I often realize it doesnt translate to "actual success" when I write/talk about it) and am very detached most of the time.

So I might be on the NPD spectrum. Am I diagnosable? I don't think so, but maybe thats the PD talking.

Anyway, my dad has some major BPD/NPD traits, and this in particular strikes me as interesting in terms of differences.

Which differences do I see?

The NPD is easier to respond to, just keep "feeding it" and it subsides for a while. Sort of like the kid that keeps giving you drawings and you're like "oh look how well you did!" every time. Only when you stop feeding do you become the target.

The BPD actually doubts you for saying good things, they want you to know how they are feeling, up to and including reading their mind. they want you to help trash their demons even if the demon is some inconsequential grievance by someone else. When you don't, you become the demon.

From my own experience NPD's are not as devoid of emotions as portrayed, its an impenetrable metal armor more than a robot with the face of a person. BPD's break down, NPD's "toughen up".

mom uBPD I couldn’t predict what was going to happen [... .] Dad unpd, was and is very predictable and I can become more of a persecutor or enabler to him. As sick as it is I can predict what he is up to

Yep, because being "perfect" is being predictable, you can "outmaneuver" them. Being emotional is being impulsive, and since there's a delay/fail in communication, you can't possibly react fast enough to their current state of mind.

[DharmaGate]

Snap, you are so right on! I found it way easier to deal with my dad, enjoyable a lot of the time because he is brilliant and we like the same things so easy to ‘feed’ it was just when he threatened to destabilize the whole family recently that I had to look at this. I read on here I can validate the valid so we are ok again whew! Thanks!

[Harri]

Good thread and questions!   

One distinction I would make is here:

Both behavior patterns deal with relationship attachment and communication styles that involve emotional manipulation and abuse.

BPD behaviors in general are more reactive, emotionally driven and less deliberately manipulative than NPD behaviors.  I am not saying that intent changes the effect of the behavior on us though, nor do I think we should excuse abusive, seemingly manipulative behaviors.  I do believe that understanding what drives the behaviors can help us depersonalize them and concentrate more on responding rather than reacting.   I am going to handle someone who is coldly or deliberately manipulative (NPD) differently than someone who is emotionally dysregulated (BPD).

Snap said: 

From my own experience NPD's are not as devoid of emotions as portrayed, its an impenetrable metal armor more than a robot with the face of a person. BPD's break down, NPD's "toughen up".

Agreed and a good point to make.  From what I have learned, it seems pwBPD respond from a "I am hurt and can't handle my emotions" sort of place whereas pwNPD respond more from a "how dare you hurt/ignore/etc me".   

I think that all ties in with what you say here aslowrealization:

- BPD seems like it's more of a white hot emotional connection (that can become explosive) while NPD seems like it's more of a subatomic particle freezing lack of an emotional connection.

I like the way you describe the difference.