I am giving up, I'm done

[SonandSister]

Hi there,
I have a 37yr old son with BPD. I also have a sister with BPD whom I grew up with.
My son is withholding my granddaughter from my husband and I because of an altercation at a family vacation where my husband became triggered with my sons behavior and there was a physical altercation of pushing on both parties. My young son stepped in and divided them before it came to blows. My Son has banned my husband and me from seeing Baby G our granddaughter. B, my son has been holding on to this for 6 months. My husband went to a therapy session with B but it only lasted 5 mins because B has done no work in 6 months and he went from 1 to 10 in seconds and the therapist had to have my husband leave. B blames everything on us which is typical BPD behavior. I see no healing in sight and feel the best medicine for him is for me and my husband not to be in his life. This is has become so emotionally depressing and I don't feel he will ever get better. I feel he needs to come to a place of forgiveness but all I see is his desire to annihilate his father and myself. I have come to the place I thought I would never come to and that is the place of no hope. I cry all the time, I miss my granddaughter and son and everyday life feels worthless and I don't feel I have that much to look forward to. It feels if I truly let them go that I don't care any more. And the thought of not being able to interact with my granddaughter and see her grow up is so very painful. I had to let my sister go 8yrs ago. She is back in my life as of a few weeks ago due to a situation that brought her back to me. But of course she is also hard to deal with because of the blame game but we seem to be navigating our conversations pretty well. I've read many books and am going to a Nami support group this next week. As I've said I've lost all hope and I'm very depressed. Thinking about going to a therapist also to navigate my feelings.
I feel very alone and would love some support or any advise anyone has to give.
Thanks so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi SonandSister 

Welcome to BPD Family. While I'm so very sorry for what has brought you here, I'm really glad you found us.

I can relate to the pain of being cut off from a grandchild, though the "cut off" from my 4-year-old grandson (GS4) lasted only three months in my case. The grief is overwhelming, isn't it? I hadn't cried like that, wailed really, in my whole life.

Firstly, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many parents here who will relate to what you have written and we are all here learning, and supporting each other.

Secondly, there is hope for a better tomorrow. Most of us come here in crisis, like yourself, and many of us have learned ways to cope, and to work toward reconciling with our estranged loved ones. It will take a lot of work and learning, but the benefits are worth the time it will take.

Having just one person with BPD (pwBPD) in one's life is difficult, and you have two, a sister and a son. It's no wonder you feel depressed and hopeless 

It's great that you've found a NAMI support group to attend and I think finding a therapist for yourself is a great idea. It will be helpful to find a therapist with lots of experience with BPD as the dynamics in these relationships are more complex than the average relationship.

Allow me to point you to a good place to start on this site:

How to get the most out of this site

There are many lessons, tools, articles, and workshops here to help you navigate this difficult journey. Plus, the collective wisdom of fellow parents walking similar paths.

Look around, ask questions, keep posting your feelings and struggles. It really does help to talk about what we're going through - and you've got a lot on your plate. We can support you, you've made a brave first step by posting.

You've probably already noticed, but there is also a board for those who have a sibling in their lives wBPD. It's located just under this board, it's called Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD. It's great you and your sister are faring better than you had in the past and the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board can support continued growth in that relationship.

Here's a link:

Parent, Sibling, or In-Law Suffering from BPD

Do you have any contact at all with your son?

I look forward to getting to know you better and how we can best support you. Please feel free to ask any questions at all as you get comfortable here. We are here for you, we are listening.

Again, welcome. I'm glad you found us 

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi SonandSister     Let me join Only Human in saying welcome to the site!  We do have many parents who can relate to what you describe so you are definitely in the right place for support, encouragement and learning new coping tools.

Only Human gave you a link to a thread that lists all the best articles we have here though we have many many more too!

I am so sorry that you are not seeing your son and your grand daughter.   People have turned their situations around before so it can be done sometimes.  The thing is that it takes time and a lot of patience.

I hope you get comfortable and dive in and start posting and talking with the other parents here.  Posting here has so many benefits for us.  We can see solutions in other peoples situations that we might not be able to see in our own.  Also, just knowing we are not alone is helpful too.  It is okay to post in crisis but the most benefit is [posting when things settle down and you can work on learning the tools and applying them in calmer times so when/if a crisis does come up you are prepared.

anyway, again I want to say welcome!  I am glad you found us.