473harman
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 38
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« on: February 26, 2019, 07:07:47 AM » |
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Sorry - this is long.
I first started learned of this site several years ago when my daughter, then 15, started exhibited very strong BPD traits. To summarize, she was admitted to a very known BPD inpatient for 8 weeks, then spent 14 months at a TBS in WV, where she finally admitted to being sexually assaulted and began to heal. She's 18 now, and while life will never be the same for her, our relationship is strong, and she is in a better place.
It was during that time of intense therapy and education about BPD that I realized that my husband has almost all of the BPD traits. I too can be emotionally reactive (which is why our daughter never told us what happened - our reactions were too strong all the time). I have since learned to validate more and react less.
The issue is - I can't validate him all the time anymore. We have been together for over 20 years and have 5 kids (now 18, 17, 15, 12, 9). he will comment that "You used to love me the way you love (fill in the blanks - my son, my pug, etc). And he'll do this in front of our kids and other people. He can't seem to get out of his own way either. I've been the major breadwinner for the past 20 years and whenever I say I need a break, he'll promise me it will change, etc, but it never does. Now when he says it and I don't make a huge deal he'll accuse me of being unsupportive.
He had huge issues with his mom, who has many BPD traits as well. He's been in therapy for most of marriage and still can't come to terms with their relationship (they are speaking now but didn't for six years). Our marriage is tepid at best. I can't carry the whole thing anymore and the marriage suffers.
So - my main issue today. There always seems to be one of the kids who is a victim to him. first it was our daughter pre treatment. Now after her extensive therapy she knows not to engage him and their relationship is ok. Lately it has been our 15 year old daughter. Sweet, but has bought into her ditzy act so much that is now reflected in her grades as well. She started acting out over the summer (not to the extent of our oldest who was self medicating to stop the pain), but going a little over the line of a typical teen. And I find that when he feels like he is losing control over them as they get older, they suffer. He can't say a nice word to her, always comments that she wears too much makeup, complains about her friends, yells at her, etc. Even our other kids comment how he doesn't like her.
It is breaking my heart to watch him treat her this way. Whenever I try and speak to him about it, he yells at me and says she's rude and disrespectful, and I think it makes it worse. Last night she cried to me how she was so sad that he didn't like her, and how she would never have a relationship with him and how the only way her sister now has a relationship with him was because she went away. Therapy won't work as he won't come clean in a session, even if i'm there. We've tried couples therapy and that wasn't successful either.
Any suggestions, or advice, is very much welcome, thanks.
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