Relationship with sister has completely broken down since death of our father

[Grace55]

Less than 3months ago, my father fell, broke his hip and died 3 weeks later.  Shortly after his accident my sister began to accuse me of a variety of “wrongs.”  She began speaking rudely to me in front of others and this quickly escalated to accusations of wrong doing.  Some accusations were simple misperceptions during a very stressful time for us all.  Other accusations were completely untrue. 

My sister is blind and has depended on me for many years for occasional transportation or errands.  We used to talk on the phone 3-4 times a week.  When she had a life threatening illness followed by a cancer diagnosis 11 years ago, I flew back east and helped her.  She moved in with me for 3 months during treatment and since she is blind I was responsible for her colostomy bag during her illness.  I am not her only support person but I have been an important one.  So this recent turn of events has thrown me. 

I’m doing my best not to take this too personally, but I’m at a loss for how to help resolve this.  My other two siblings met with us together to try and help, but the accusations only got worse.  I talked to her on the phone and apologized for several things where I had been misunderstood, spoke out of turn, or could have been more aware of her needs.  I did not apologize for things that simply did not happen but instead expressed regret she believed I was capable of those actions (like convincing Drs it was time for them to recommend Dad be taken off life support).  I wrote her a carefully worded email to apologize in writing while explaining the misunderstandings and assuring her of my love and support.

Recently she has insisted to all family members that until I agreed to go to coffee with her so she could define our “new relationship”, she didn’t want to talk with me.  I agreed to this but she cancelled at the last minute telling me she forgot she had promised to do something else.  Then she called family members and said I had once again attempted to control her by offering to pick her up and buy her lunch when she wanted coffee and wanted to take the bus.  This was news to me!  I thought the offer for lunch had been well received and I had been encouraged that she took my call and agreed to let me pick her up.

I’m hurt, disappointed, embarrassed about being caught in this drama, and frightened for my sister.

Here’s my biggest question:  She has a history of cutting and suicidal thoughts.  Is it better for me to leave her alone at this point or keep trying?  Is it better to let her continue to make demands within reason?  Or am I setting us up for future problems by not asking for more trust and cooperation?

Any ideas and thoughts will be appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father.  On top of that this situation with your sister is just making things harder I imagine.

Prior to her recent behavior had you ever thought she had BPD?  It sounds like you were quite close at one time.

You talked about what she wants and asked for but what do you want in the relationship right now?   Do you want to maintain contact at this point or do you need to take a break?  How would you like your relationship to look in the future?

She has a history of cutting and suicidal thoughts.  Is it better for me to leave her alone at this point or keep trying?  Is it better to let her continue to make demands within reason?  Or am I setting us up for future problems by not asking for more trust and cooperation?

I would say it is better to leave things as they are for now.  Give her a chance to self soothe and return to her baseline.  It sounds like a lot of this was triggered by your father's death and that is not uncommon.  People grieve differently and death can bring all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors to the fore front.   I am not making excuses, rather I am trying to look at the context.  Am I getting it right?