Still very minimal contact

[chronsweet]

So, it has been almost a month since I have talked to my mom.  I did reach out to her last weekend over the phone.  She answered the phone and I simply said, "Mom I just wanted to let you know I love you."  She said, "I love you too."  The conversation ended and I felt somewhat relieved.  I also realized that I do not want any dialogue with her at this moment in time.  The space and peace have given me time to get into my own head.  I have been listening to alot of YouTube talks by therapists on Borderline Personality Disorder.  So many of the things I hear and the consequences of being raised by a BPD mother resonate with me.  I have constant tears in my eyes when I think of her and the way she has treated me. 

It is very hard for me to understand how she cannot see that her reactions are not motherly and loving.  I have a very hard time with that.  I am also very angry that I have been left with some of her traits in dealing with my emotions.  I have more or less become codependent in my relationships.  I have very low self-esteem.  In my current relationship, it is the least codependent one I have had to date because I have done some inner work and have some recognition of how I was raised, how I respond and how I deal with pain associated with hurt emotions.  I can admit that I have low self-esteem when I really shouldn't.  I am a highly accomplished woman who really has worked hard and am a very caring and giving person.  I get angry that my mom cannot see how verbally abusing someone and demeaning their character and intruding and crossing boundaries isn't healthy.  I get angry that I did not get brought up by a nurturing person.  I don't really know where to direct the anger because the person who has caused it is never going to be able to see or admit there is a problem. 

I imagined that no contact would be a relief and to a degree it is a relief to escape the enmeshment.  But, it is also very painful and emotional.  I am still out of touch with my memories.  I want to recall my life and to be able to feel and let go of the memories I have buried.  I was listening to a youtube video and all these emotions surfaced and I could literally feel them escaping my spine into my neck.  I rubbed my neck and then turned and cracked my neck and it was one of those cracks where you feel all this pent up tension escape.  That side of my neck NEVER cracks like that and I thought WOW.  There really is something physical about all this emotional abuse.

I also feel like I have been overeating and consuming sweets and junk food my whole life to fill a whole in my soul.  I am trying to get a hold on that.  I do have a little extra weight to lose and I feel like I almost try to self sabotage myself with food.  If that makes sense.  I have a drug addicted brother and I thought to myself, really, i am an addict too.  It is just a different addiction.  I try to be successful and full of crap (sugar filled food) at the same time.

The most important thing for myself right now is to heal and to not necessarily forget but to forgive and move forward. To learn to accept and love myself and to change the course of 'upbringing' for my son.  I never want him to feel like I did.  Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I have had to work alot as a mother.  I have always been there for my son as soon as I can (after work) and every single weekend.  He is always present with me when I am home.  I just really want to be there for him.  I asked him if I make him feel loved and special and he confirms that he does feel loved.  That is a good step, I suppose.

Just wanted to get some things off my chest.  Thanks for reading.

[DharmaGate]

Chronsweet,
What a great post you wrote  .  It sounds like you are really working hard; learning about the disorder, reaching out to your mom, taking care of your son, dealing with your own emotions. Thats alot 

I like what you said about the no contact helping with enmeshment but the painful feelings are still there. 

Thanks for the update it really helps to see how other people are working this stuff through, as i am right in the thick of it.

With much respect DG 

[Harri]

Thanks for posting chronsweet.

You are at a sad place right now or so it seems to me.  It is I think okay.  Of course you find yourself with tears and want your mom to know the hurt and damage she caused and are angry that you have some of her behaviors.   I think realizing all that and grieving it is a part of the process and it may come and go.  I know I still get angry and even resent that I have problems because my mom did.  It is not fair is it?

 

[chronsweet]

Dharma and Harri, thank you both for your replies.  Harri-yes, I am at a sad place right now.

When I think back on all the times my mom has hurt me, it really is unbearable. 

It isn't fair to be raised by a mother with BPD, no.  I have learned that life isn't fair.  I can accept that.  What is hard to accept is being emotionally abused by someone who is supposed to love unconditionally.  If you go to You Tube, there is a recording of a daughter who was left a message by her BPD mother.  You can find the message by searching the following "Voicemail from a Borderline Personality Mother to Daughter."  When I heard that, I was just like Holy Cow.  That.is.my.mother.  But the woman on the youtube video is not even as hurtful or spiteful and does not use the same language that my mother does.  My mom is that voicemail on steroids.  And I am listening to it and just going WOW.  I lived with that, no wonder I am so messed up in regards to self-esteem and guilt and shame based thinking. 

[Libra]

Hi Chronsweet,


How much your post resonates with me.
The sadness. The anger. The relief mingled with pain. Tears. So many tears. I’ve felt them too. I still do sometimes. Well, a lot, to be honest.

It is hard to understand that your mother cannot see how much pain she inflicts because there is no logic to it. It is distorted by a mental illness. I used to go over and over scenes and words in my head, trying to understand. How could she? Why? Doesn’t she care? There is no way I can understand how her mind works though. I am still trying to accept that.

I am still out of touch with my memories.  I want to recall my life and to be able to feel and let go of the memories I have buried

Same here. I don’t know where those memories are. I’ve looked, but I haven’t found any doorway they might be hidden behind. Maybe try to focus on the here and now first? It’s just a suggestion, as that is what I am trying to do.

I also feel like I have been overeating and consuming sweets and junk food my whole life to fill a whole in my soul.

I’ve never truly admitted this to myself, but I’m right there beside you, munching away! It makes total sense to me. I think the best way to get a hold on that is to look at the underlying problem. Seeing the hole in your soul is a big step. Accepting that that hole will be yours to nurse to healing is painful. Working towards that healing is very hard work. But it is so rewarding. I’ve been told that here many a time, and I truly believe it!

It is good to see you focusing on the now, on you, on your relationship with your son, and on moving forward. That is a lot to take on already!

I honestly can’t say if I will ever manage to forgive or forget. I am in the process of accepting though. It is what it is, no use getting embittered about it.

As a mother myself, I understand you want to be there for your son. Juggling work and children is very hard. Trying to avoid repeating the pitfalls of our own childhood makes it even more challenging. It seems you are doing the utmost to be there for your son. That is something to be proud of! 
Don’t forget to take some time for yourself as well though. Self-care is really important! It may feel like you’re nibbling away at the time you can spend with your son, but you are setting a good example by teaching him that self-care is good, and his time with his mother may well turn out to get even better if his mum doesn’t feel as if she’s not run off her feet all the time! (I'm guessing here of course, but I certainly feel that way a lot of the time!)

Keep venting, keep sharing.
We are truly good at listening.



Libra

[chronsweet]

Hi Chronsweet,


The sadness. The anger. The relief mingled with pain. Tears. So many tears. I’ve felt them too. I still do sometimes. Well, a lot, to be honest.

Yes, the sadness, anger and relief, feeling them all at once is quite overwhelming and confusing.  I am learning by listening and reading some great stuff on being a shame-based person.  I am a shame-based person.  I am trying to recognize that in myself and heal from it.  I am an over-achiever but feel so empty inside sometimes.  Especially in relationships with significant others and my mother.  Man, I have shoved and numbed away alot of pain by her.  Alot.  I cried in the shower yesterday and it felt good because I could feel the emotions but not the tears.  It was soothing and felt like a release.  I have a lot of releasing to do and it is going to take some time.

I’ve never truly admitted this to myself, but I’m right there beside you, munching away! It makes total sense to me. I think the best way to get a hold on that is to look at the underlying problem.   
Yes, I cannot believe I spelled hole, whole, haha.  Maybe I can request an edit.  Or just let it go. The perfectionist in me tells me I need an edit.  But yes, I really have been looking at myself from all angles.  Being shamed does create addictions.  My addiction is food and striving to be successful so that I can feel whole.  I need to embrace my success and am trying hard to do that.  I am trying to find the sense of accomplishment I think I should be feeling.  Or just go with the flow and not worry about being knocked down.  I worry alot.  I worry about losing my job, my house, my boyfriend.  I realize I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Dr. Hyde to appear and bring me down a notch.  It couldn't have anything to do with waiting around for the queen or witch to appear, could it?

It is good to see you focusing on the now, on you, on your relationship with your son, and on moving forward. That is a lot to take on already!

Honestly, my son has always been my focus in my life.  I know how I was raised and I refused to raise him like I was.  I was yelled at for touching things that weren't mine.  I was not allowed to have my own thoughts.   I was not allowed to show anger or frustration, especially directed at my mom.  I was pinched before school, slapped, had my hair tugged on, thwapped with a brush, demeaned, devalued, and disowned.  Over and over and over.  I have never raised my son like that.  I let him be mad, let him own his own feelings, our home is ours (not mine).  I am fairly intelligent so I can see how doing this to a kid can completely ruin them and I have only wanted to elevate my son, not bring him down.  That part for me is easy.  I guess I need to let go of the guilt of being a working mom and realize I am enough for him.  Because I truly think I am doing the best I can and really thinking about my effect on my son as being his mom.  But guilt and self-doubt were bred into me.

Thank you so much for your response Libra.  Alot of what you said resonated with me too.  It is really nice to know that I was not the only one really messed up by having a mom with BPD.  My mom is undiagnosed, but I KNOW in my heart there is something really wrong with the way she communicates with almost everyone in her life.  Most people make comments about 'that other side' of her.  People are scared to state opinions that don't conform to her way of thinking.



Libra

[Harri]

It is really nice to know that I was not the only one really messed up by having a mom with BPD.

 

Hi     You have a whole board (and site) full of people who have been messed up by a parent with BPD or BPD-ish/behaviors!   I am going to tell you what a friend/mentor told me long ago:  Harri, it would not be normal if you came out of your childhood without issues. 

So grieve the losses as they are huge and they are a part of us now but we can change and heal and learn to do better just like you are with your son.

My mom is undiagnosed, but I KNOW in my heart there is something really wrong with the way she communicates with almost everyone in her life.  Most people make comments about 'that other side' of her.  People are scared to state opinions that don't conform to her way of thinking.

Yes, this is a consequence of her behavior.  Think about it.  People who are not as close, who do not trigger her fears in the same way a close family member like you would, are scared of her... .how do you think you as a kid did?  I think it is pretty remarkable we survived at all and with a sense of self even though it may be damaged.   Every time I pause and remember this I am amazed... .and sad too.  It was all so unnecessary. 

Hang in there.  I am glad you posted again so we can support you.  Keep reaching out when you can.