Feelings of worthiness.. "Love of my life" -Queen

[appen]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I honestly am feeling a lot of anxiety about posting.

I remember the first time I heard this song by Queen and I thought it was absolutely beautiful, and then it slowly dawned on me: this is how I feel about my mother. I will give you some context.

I believe my mother has BPD and my father npd. The combination for me growing up was very difficult, and I am still gripping with the feelings of worthiness. It is hard for me to feel worthy of love and happiness. I feel as if I should be able to be everyone's punching bag, and that is what it takes to be a "good person." This song greatly reminds me of this quality. I am begging for someone to stay who clearly hurt me like the song chimes.

Anyway, I am new to this website and already have felt some validation for all of my confusing feelings. I am grateful to have found this site.

[once removed]

hi appen, and

i remember having a lot of anxiety about posting too, id never really used a message board, or been a part of a support group. im glad you took that step, and i think that youll be glad you did as well.

so what is your relationship with your parents like today? what sort/frequency of contact do you have with them?

[appen]

  Thanks for the welcome!

Fairly recently I told my mother I needed distance from her to find who I am without her influence and since then we have spoken maybe a once every two or three weeks via text. It is still really hard for me not to message her about everything. I was emotionally dependent on her and still feel the want of her approval, which I will never get.

I made a point to tell her that I would not pretend that things were okay when I was younger, when most of the abuse occurred. She was really defensive at this point and withdrew and hasn't shown much interest in having a relationship with me except for the random, "I love you" messages here and there.

My father and I have not spoken in maybe 2 years. Once I moved to a different state I realized I had some confusing creepy feelings toward him, and really had no interest in talking to him but out of guilt.

If I am honest, I think I would like some type of relationship with my mother, but I have no interest with my father.

[Turkish]

Can you see the reverse,  that your mother trained you to be emotionally dependent on her but she was likely emotionally dependent upon you? What do you think?

How do you feel creepy from your dad? Did he day or do inappropriate things?