Asked for a Trial In-House Separation

[stayingsane123]

This has been weighing on me for over a year now. It took me a lot of therapy to get to the place where I feel like I can communicate my needs in the relationship in a healthy way. A few details: we have been married for 5 years, no children, I am the sole income earner in the relationship.

This morning, before I left for work, I told my wife (diagnosed with BPD), that I am not happy in the relationship. Basically, I communicated that I feel like she is completely dependent on me for companionship, money, and basic self-care. I told her that I don't think this situation is healthy for either of us, and that I cannot be in a relationship like that anymore as it is putting severe strain on my mental health, relationships with family, and my ability to perform at work. I told her that I need to know that she is capable of being independent in order to consider staying in the relationship, and that even if that happens I may not be able to continue it. I am caring around a lot of guilt, frustration, and resentment from the physical and verbal abuse (mostly verbal) that I have been subjected to over the course of the marriage, and I don't know if I can move on from that (and have a healthy relationship with her).

She was very upset, and it was very painful to see how much this hurt her. I know she saw this coming, and was relieved that she did not threaten suicide (as she has done in the past, not attempts, just threats). During this conversation she basically said that I was giving up on her, that I have not given her enough time to get better, and that she is getting better. She said that I am essentially telling her that everything is her fault. And that she doesn't think I ever liked or respected her. I have strong co-dependent tendencies, so this is a lot for me to bear. I am inclined feel responsible for her feelings, and am afraid that I will not be able to stay true to what I know is best for me. Can someone who has been through a similar situation, or might have some helpful advice, please comment on this?

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[stayingsane123]

Just wanted to add. She wants to try marriage counseling. I used to be open to this idea, but I'm not sure it will work, or that I want to put the effort into it at this point. I think she really needs to be back in DBT if there is any hope of the relationship surviving, but she does not want to go back to DBT (she dropped out after a few months, says she still practices the skills). I have many reasons for being hesitant about marriage counseling: 1) She has accused me of having personality disorders, even though I have told her that my therapist does not agree with her assessment. 2) She thinks that I need to "fix" how I think about the relationship and how I was treated, I disagree, I think she needs to come to terms with how dependent she was/is on me, and how this had a very negative effect on me. 3) I am the sole income-earner. We are pretty well off, but I have spent around 30K on her/my therapy, medication, supplements, etc. I don't want to spend more money on something that probably won't work.

[sotiredofthis]

I absolutely get where you are coming from. See my post below almost identical to yours.

I too have been main breadwinner and emotional support for my wife.

What are you hoping to gain with your Trial in-home separation?

Maybe if you clarify your goals it will help start the conversation about how to accomplish them.

I'm in couples therapy with my wife and it has seemed somewhat counterproductive at times because it has been more triggering than helpful, at times. We currently go once every 3 weeks or so.

What are some things that you have noticed this has helped you with?