mom with undiagnosed BPD

[forthwrite]

hi

this is my first post here, and i guess i just want to vent/rant a bit; it's incredibly hard for me to talk to my friends about all of this and i guess it's a little easier on the internet.

i'm 23, and my mom may or may not have BPD; she certainly has not been diagnosed with it or anything. i've been going to therapy for the past few months to deal with some stuff tho, and when i described my mom to my therapist, she says it sounds kinda like BPD. my aunt, who has been helping me out a bit too, recommended that i read randi kreger's book, and that's how i ended up here

i've started reading the book, and a bunch of things in that book ring true to me, especially the parts about anger - my mom's baseline is just to be angry about everything, even things that shouldn't really prompt anger. like if she's in a bad mood, and i forgot to buy milk, she'll start screaming at me. or if i bought the wrong kind of milk, she'll start screaming at me. or if forgot to do the dishes, she'll start screaming at me (sometimes, for variety, she'll be passive-aggressive angry at me for the next few days)

obviously, i don't do any of these things on purpose, or to upset her, but she takes these sort of things incredibly personally and uses them as 'proof' that nobody ever helps her with anything and that i'm spoiled and inconsiderate and purposefully trying to make things more difficult for her, and she'll often go on rants saying just this to me. like any of these things can trigger her being in an incredibly angry mood that just makes being around her extremely uncomfortable; if she's in one of these moods talking to her about like anything can set her off. i have to go out of my way to avoid doing (normal) things that might upset her, and to stay away from any sort of touchy/complicated topics of conversation to avoid tipping her off.

like minor things cause super intense reactions that can last for a few days - like if she goes to the supermarket and couldn't find something she wanted she might come home in an awful mood and stay like that for a couple of days, and she's been like this as long as i can remember.

and all of this makes me kinda upset, and i tend to personalize her anger even when i know i didn't really do anything wrong. and i usually just go very very quiet when i get upset; i guess i've kinda learned to squash all of my feelings and not really talk about them with anyone

but i've been going to therapy and like working on dealing with all of these emotions, and i've had a really stressful couple of weeks, and i've just felt like sad and upset and :/ and angry and just ajfioanfa;a for the past week or so and i've been having a lot of trouble like getting over it all i guess

yeah idk what else i want to say really; i guess i just want to vent a bit

[Harri]

Hi!  Glad you found us.

It is quite upsetting and difficult to be the target of a pwBPD's (person with BPD) emotions like you have been and it would wear on anyone. 

Do you live with your mom?  How long have you been in therapy?

Sometimes learning about the disorder and what drives the behaviors helps to depersonalize the behaviors so I am glad you have the book and that you are here.  We have lots of articles to read in addition to all of the posts and that can help quite a bit.  Just knowing you are not alone can be a huge relief.  You can also add us to your support system of your aunt and your counselor.

I hope you feel comfortable digging and and just jump into posting.  We are all pretty supportive here plus we get it.  We can help you figure out ways to protect yourself with boundaries and to use communication strategies that can be empowering for you.

Again, welcome.

[JNChell]

Hello, forthwrite. Welcome to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you had to find your way here, but glad that you did. This is a safe place. We’re all peers that support each other.

it's incredibly hard for me to talk to my friends about all of this and i guess it's a little easier on the internet.

Yes, it is. If the people that we know haven’t been through this, it’s extremely hard to get our feelings understood.

It sounds like you should trust your therapist, your aunt and yourself. You found this place for a reason. It’s not flashing all over the Internet. You found it. I believe that this speaks volumes.

Your mom’s baseline doesn’t sound like a healthy one. What would you like to do here?

[forthwrite]

Do you live with your mom?  How long have you been in therapy?

i've been going to therapy for the last four months or so, and i live with my mom (and family) presently. one of the things my therapist has been encouraging me to do is move out.

it's taken me a few months to sort of accept that this is not a good environment for me, and that it's really time for me to move out, but i think i'm there now.

i actually spoke with my aunt about this on friday, and she's very willing to have me move in with her. she lives across the country so the next steps i guess are getting a plane ticket and packing and finishing up a few things that i need to take care of here

i'm a little nervous to tell my mom that i'm planning on moving out; i'm pretty sure she's going to view this as me rejecting her and get very angry at me (this is the sort of thing that i imagine will trigger one of her very bad moods that can last for like days). i'm not sure how i'm going to tell her yet. even though she makes things very difficult for me i don't really want to hurt her/ her feelings when i tell her i want to move out.

Sometimes learning about the disorder and what drives the behaviors helps to depersonalize the behaviors so I am glad you have the book and that you are here.  We have lots of articles to read in addition to all of the posts and that can help quite a bit. 

yeah, one of the things i've been working on in therapy is depersonalizing her anger - i tend to take it very very very personally and it's hard for me to recognize that her anger is way out of proportion with whatever i did/didn't do. i tend to feel a lot of guilt for having triggered one of her rages and it's hard for me to let that go and get past it

i've started poking around the articles here, and thanks for welcoming me  

Your mom’s baseline doesn’t sound like a healthy one. What would you like to do here?

hi, thanks for the welcome

right now i think i want to read a few of the articles and kinda learn what BPD is and how it's affecting me - i've been introduced to this just recently

and i guess just kinda know that i have a place that i can write about what's been going on and know that i'll get some support

[Harri]

Hi    

You will definitely be supported here. 

I can relate to your concerns about telling your mom you want to move out.  It took me three times to do so and each was hard in it's own way.  I finally did it in my late 30's and it was hard but worth it.  We can help you as I am sure your aunt and therapist will.  You don't have to do this alone.

Keep posting and learning.  Don't burn yourself out though.   Ask questions, jump into threads and post... .it's all good here.

[forthwrite]

thank you

my mom's actually been in a pretty good mood for the past couple of days. it makes living around here a lot easier, but i also start wondering - maybe i'm overimagining things, or overeacting, or taking things too personally

i feel kinda guilty for thinking unkindly of her because i don't think she wants to hurt me, or my dad, or my siblings; i think she can't entirely control itlike i don't think she's a bad person inherently, but rather not well emotionally/mentally, but it still hurts

and she and my dad have provided everything i needed growing up, like food and clothing and shelter. so i kinda feel like ... .maybe i'm just too sensitive and overreacting. but when i describe the things she says to me to my aunt, she thinks that they're not ok and she understands why i'm hurt. so i guess objectively i know that my mom's rages aren't ok and are kinda out of control but sometimes i feel like i deserve them? or that i'm too sensitive?

idk i guess i'm just trying to just work through what i'm feeling rn

i've been poking around the website and a few of the articles really resonated with me - particularly the one about emotional incest and parentification; i very often feel like i'm kinda the mom to her, and that i have to listen to all of her problems and try to solve them, but she's never there for me when i need her; i've never really felt like i could ask her for help (even asking her for something minor - like a ride to a friend's house when i was in elementary school - could set off a rage for a couple of days); i almost never ask her for anything significant anymore or have any sort of meaningful conversation with her at this point.

i needed something from her a few weeks ago and when i asked she completely shut me down and refused. i guess that's why i never ask her for help, because i know i'm never going to get it from her.

i feel kinda guilty writing all of this out and i guess a little overwhelmed looking at all of the articles; there's so much information on here and  i guess i dont' really know where to start

[Harri]

Hi.

i feel kinda guilty writing all of this out and i guess a little overwhelmed looking at all of the articles; there's so much information on here and  i guess i dont' really know where to start

This happens.  It's okay.  Take it slow.  You are right there is a lot of information here and it can be overwhelming.

We have a lot of people say they feel that maybe things were not that bad or they are being too sensitive.  That too is common and I think it is part of the process when dealing with abuse like emotional incest.  To find out what we grew up with and came to know as normal and have accepted for so many years is not healthy is a lot and it takes time to realize everything fully and accept it.  It's okay.  Just take it slow. 

So many of us say that our parents were good because they met our basic needs and it is true, I know mine did.  But I also know they failed miserably as parents.  Keeping us fed and clothed with a roof over our heads kept CPS away.  Basic needs.  It is hard to reconcile because we are conditioned to accept certain behaviors as being our fault or as a normal part of life.  I get it.

Just hang in there.  Maybe just post for now, here in your thread and post in others.  Reading what others deal with and seeing them work it through can help you a lot on your journey.  It is easy to burn out though so make sure you are taking care of you too. 

[JNChell]

Sounds like a good plan forthwrite.  There’s plenty of support and info here. Looking forward to interacting with you in the future.

[once removed]

any update regarding talking to your mom about moving out?

[forthwrite]

thanks for the welcome JNChell

i haven't talked to my mom yet. this conversation is going to be ... .not easy i'm pretty sure. i don't know how she's going to react; i'm pretty sure she's going to get angry at me and not take it well. my aunt that i mentioned previously is her sister, and my mom doesn't get along with her. she kinda gets jealous when i spend time with her, and that i have a good relationship with her. like a couple of weeks ago my aunt was in town, and she invited me to spend the weekend with her and my grandmother. when i told my mom i was visiting them, her mood got worse like immediately. she didn't shout or get angry there, but i could tell she wasn't happy about it. i think she'll take moving out worse than that :/

i kinda think sh'es going to view me moving out to move in with my aunt as me rejecting her. and, i guess i am in a way, but i don't really want her to take it like that i don't want to hurt her. and since when she gets upset she gets angry i think she's going to lash out at me.

like i know that i can't stay here forever because i'm scared of telling my mom i'm planning on moving out, but i also don't know how to have this conversation.

and making the situation a little more complicated is that i've been jobhunting since i graduated from college a few months ago. i applied to some jobs in my city about a month ago, when i wasn't really seriously thinking about moving yet.

i had a phone interview last week for a job i'd really like to have, and it actually went really, really well. the man who interviewed me kept saying things like 'when you start, we'll do xyz' - not 'if you get the job, we'll do xyz'. he said there would be a round of skype interviews after the phone interviews, and then they'd decide who gets the job, and i got contacted for a skype interview yesterday; the interview will be next week.

i feel like i shouldn't make a decision about moving until i find out if i have or haven't gotten the job. at the same time, i'm not sure if i want to stay in the city even if i do get it.

so yeah, i don't know know what i'm going to do.

[forthwrite]

and i guess something else happened last night.

i've been reading looking at some of the books mentioned on site.

one that i've found particularly helpful is the 'surviving a borderline parent' one; i brought it up when i went to therapy earlier in the week and we're going to continue talking about some of the things i read in it that i feel are applicable to me. (specfically the fact that i have *a lot* of trouble asking people for any kind of help because i'm scared of rejection or that they'd view me as an imposition, and the fact that i feel *a lot* of guilt about things that aren't really my fault and responsiblity, and the fact that i feel like a burden a lot of the time and i feel guilty about spending money on myself )

i got these books as kindle e-books from my library

my mom got an amazon fire tablet earlier in the week, and it came yesterday and she asked me to set it up for her since she isn't very good at technology. my family has one amazon prime accoutn that my parents pay for that's linked to my email; i set the tablet up with that account so that she can watch prime tv/movies.

once the tablet was set-up, i was looking at the various tabs/apps to give my mom a little tutorial as to how the the tablet works. when i swiped through the book tab, i realized that all the books associated with my kindle account - since it's associated with the same email as the prime account - show up on the tablet - including the ones about BPD. the ones with BPD were actually the very first thing i saw in the book tab since those were the books i had been reading most recently.

when i saw them i kinda had a panic attack - they're like on my mom's tablet and i have no fricking idea how she'll react to have seen me reading those books. (i don't think she's ever thought about herself having BPD and like for this to be her introduction to the topic ... .?)

i was able to delete from the 'home page' of the book app so they aren't obvious when she swipes through the book tab, but they're still in my kindle library and i can't seem to delete them from there. i don't think she'll particularly looking through my kindle library, but they're on there and she might just find them one day.

i feel almost like it's a ticking time bomb - one day she'll swipe through it (either by accident or because she wants to read kindle books idk) and find them.

i've been in low-key panic-mode like all day thinking about this whenever i didn't distract myself thinking about something else; like my mouth's all dry and i feel my heart beating fast and i have to concentrate on breathing steadily.

[Harri]

   Breathe.  I am not sure how to delete books off a kindle so I can't help there except to suggest you contact support?  Maybe there is a way to delete the whole book part off on your moms kindle?  Not sure.  I can see if a friend of mine know how <writes note to self to check>

About moving... .breathe.  This is going to be difficult but you can handle it.  You have support from your aunt, your therapist and everyone here.   Post and we'll have your back.  Moving is a healthy normal thing to do as an adult and you have a right to your own life. 

Your mother will get upset and will most likely take it as a rejection of her.  She gets to have her own feelings and thoughts about this but she is fully responsible for them.  It is not and never has been your job to soothe her.  You get to move and have your own feelings and thoughts about moving separate from your mom.  Feeling guilt and concern and whatever else about your mom will happen and that is okay.   Remember feelings do not equal facts.  Not your feelings and not your moms.

She has lashed out at you before and you survived.  The difference is, you now have a strong and solid support network and you have understanding and knowledge that you did not have before.  It is still going to be hard.  Don't let that stop you.

We've got you.

 

[Turkish]

I only use the kindle app on my android tablets and phone.  You should be able to set this up to only share certain books. 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=201733400

It sounds like it would be good for you to move out.  Unless there is a cultural issue in play, it's a normal part of growing.  Of course your mom won't see it that way, but you are an independent entity free to make your own choices.  Of course people with BPD traits have trouble seeing others as independent entities.  Even separated and co parenting for 5 years, my ex still tries to assert control over me. 

[Harri]

 

I had a feeling Turkish might be able to help!   

[JNChell]

Hi forthwrite. Were you able to get the e-book situation under wraps?

i haven't talked to my mom yet. this conversation is going to be ... .not easy i'm pretty sure. i don't know how she's going to react; i'm pretty sure she's going to get angry at me and not take it well.

Ok. You’re aware that outcome may not be pleasant. You have to get things off of your chest but are timid to do so because you know through experience how your mom will react. We’re going to help you through this. We’re going to provide you with communication tools that can keep things at a somewhat calm level and protect you at the same time.

Here’s the first one. It’s about setting personal boundaries.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

This one is about not letting our emotions get the best of us.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

If you’d like, study these and bring any thoughts or questions back to the board. There is much more material available, but start with these two. Glad to have you with us, forthwrite.

[forthwrite]

sorry for the necro, just wanted to give an update.

it's been a tough couple of months, but i moved out last week, and moved in with my aunt across the country

i'm incredibly fortunate to have found a job pretty quickly, and will be starting my new job next week. the transition was both more and less difficult than i thought it would be, but my mom took it surprisingly well and even encouraged the move!

being around my mom makes me super super anxious sometimes, but not living in the same space as her and being 3000 miles away from her moods and not having to interact with her every day makes things quite a lot easier. 

it's a new, different, and exciting experience, and i'm happy i did it. 

[Harri]

Hi and thanks so much for the update.

It is great that you moved and that your mom supported the move!  Was that a huge surprise or what?

You mentioned your anxiety is pretty high when you are around your mom.  How are you handling the change/reduction in anxiety?  I ask because I sometimes have a harder time after the stress or anxiety reduces especially when they were long standing states of being.