Mother; I haven’t been in contact with her for 6 weeks

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m almost 50 and have been dealing with my Mother’s hot and cold treatment for all of these 50 years. I’m an only child and although I have a good Dad, when I was young  he stayed away from home as much as he could to avoid her. I tried to make things ‘better’ with her so many times in my life but she always exploded again. Even as an adult, she still makes me feel like i’m bad, that I am the cause of her pain. It got worse when I moved closer to her with my husband and kids. She didn’t get the attention from me that she was used to and would medicate my elderly father to make him sick and then get the attention she wanted from me because I would and will always go when my Dad needs me. She tries to split me and my 10 year old daughter by telling her that I am the one that is breaking our family apart. She blames me for her attempting suicide his past spring. She has caused me years of pain. I have always felt alone, nobody else understood the trauma that she put me through. I am working to find peace within myself and realize that boundaries don’t work with her so haven’t been in contact with her for 6 weeks. I am working on the guilt that this decision brings but realize that estrangedment is necessary for my self-care and am coming to peace with my decision.

[Safe and calm]

I’m almost 50 and have been dealing with my Mother’s hot and cold treatment for all of these 50 years. I’m an only child and although I have a good Dad, when I was young  he stayed away from home as much as he could to avoid her. I tried to make things ‘better’ with her so many times in my life but she always exploded again. Even as an adult, she still makes me feel like i’m bad, that I am the cause of her pain. It got worse when I moved closer to her with my husband and kids. She didn’t get the attention from me that she was used to and would medicate my elderly father to make him sick and then get the attention she wanted from me because I would and will always go when my Dad needs me. She tries to split me and my 10 year old daughter by telling her that I am the one that is breaking our family apart. She blames me for her attempting suicide his past spring. She has caused me years of pain. I have always felt alone, nobody else understood the trauma that she put me through. I am working to find peace within myself and realize that boundaries don’t work with her so haven’t been in contact with her for 6 weeks. I am working on the guilt that this decision brings but realize that estrangedment is necessary for my self-care and am coming to peace with my decision.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear about the 50 years of pain that you have suffered by the actions of your mom with BPD. You are in the company of many people on this web site who also have a mother with BPD who are here to support you and understand your challenges with your mother. It is understandable that you feel that going no contact with your mom is the right decision for now. I too have been dealing with my mother with BPD my whole life and had a period with no real contact with her which was very healing and allowed me to resolve my painful feelings about having to set some healthy boundaries with my mom. I have read that it is impossible to heal from abuse if the abuser is still in your life.  Now you are wondering how to deal with all the years of pain. Do take advantage of all the tools on this site that are specifically geared to help people dealing with a close relative with BPD, and read the posts of other members who are dealing/have dealt with the overwhelming rages of a mother with BPD. We never know when absurd accusations will be made and/or our mom with BPD will do something self destructive like attempt suicide. My heart goes out to you. Keep us posted and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Safe and calm]

Thank you for your supportive and encouraging words. I will use the resources and support provided by this site and connections with others on my journey.

[zachira]

I am glad I was able to be helpful. Do keep us posted. There is no such thing as posting too much, and indeed in the better times, it can help to express the feelings, as these are often the moments when we are best able to prepare so that mom's next melt down will not be so overwhelming for us.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you reached out for help as so many of us can relate.

I am working on the guilt that this decision brings but realize that estrangedment is necessary for my self-care and am coming to peace with my decision.

Guilt can be so hard to deal with.  What helped me was realizing that the things I felt guilty about (not being there to fix things for her or take care of her needs) were not my job to begin with. 

Can you pinpoint where your guilt stems from?

[Safe and calm]

I think my guilt come from my belief that I am at fault. Even as a child I shouldered the blame for the many upsets that my uBPDm had and threw my was.

[Harri]

Feeling responsible for our parent is common around here, whether it is that we have to take care of them or fix them or give up parts of us for them or when we decide to go no contact.

We are raised to care take them.  It is a learned / conditioned and deeply ingrained behavior.  The good news is that we can break that conditioning.  It is hard and can start a huge battle within us with part of us wanting separation (differentiation) and part of us wanting to stay with what we know. 

So many of us struggle with this so you are not alone.  It takes time but it gets better as you learn to separate.

[zachira]

We are raised to care take our mother with BPD and are made to feel shame when we don't give the desired response. Shame is different than guilt. When we feel shame, we feel that we are defective, whereas guilt is about not feeling good about a particular action while still being able to recognize that we are worthy people even when we make mistakes. Young children often feel that something is wrong with them when a parent is upset. Our primary challenge as adult children of a mother with BPD is to realize that we are separate people from our mothers with BPD. As times goes on, you will become more skilled in separating your mother 's feelings from yours, and you will be able to feel your worth no matter how badly your mother is treating you.

[Sad4Her]

SafeandCalm,

Hang in there. Know that you are not alone in this struggle. We are all hear to support you.

[Safe and calm]

Thank you zachira and sad4her for your supportive words. I know that space and time to understand and process are part of my healing journey. This connection to support from others who have had similar journeys is amazing and welcomed. Thank you

[Turkish]

My belief is that you and your spouse are your primary family.  If you have kids,  so are they.  If divorced or seperated,  then you ave the kids. 

When a parent,  grandma or grandpa, hurts or interferes with one's ability to protect and provide for your children,  then there is nothing morally wrong with effecting barriers or boundaries.  If it goes to the level of hurting innocent children past a certain point,  then done, as some members have needed to do.  Protect your kids above all else.  They have no one else to fulfill that critical role.  They are your primary family, and you are their primary protector. 

[Safe and calm]

Thanks Turkish. My husband and 2 kids ( age 10 and 7) are my primary family and need to remain my prime focus. My uBPDm recently told my husband that when my father dies, she is all the family i’ll have left-such irony considering she was talking to her son-in-law ( he did remind her of his role as my husband and of our children). She brushed off that statement from him.

She (uBPDm) buys my kids things, that is how she shows her love to them. They want to see grandma to go shopping and then leave.

The NC with her is giving me the space to process, heal and focus on what I need to wellness and what my family needs.