Dissociation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have my kiddo for a few extra days this week. I have one of those adjustable swifter duster handles. He playing with it last night. He figured out how to fully extend it. He repeatedly hit me across the back with it. It made wind.

 I just layed there on my stomach. With each hit,I payed less attention. I didn’t move or pay attention. I just layed. M

It hurt at first, then it was blocked. Like I didn’t care.

[JNChell]

I have my kiddo for a few extra days this week. I have one of those adjustable swifter duster handles. He playing with it last night. He figured out how to fully extend it. He repeatedly hit me across the back with it. It made wind.

 I just layed there on my stomach. With each hit,I payed less attention. I didn’t move or pay attention. I just layed. M

It hurt at first, then it was blocked. Like I didn’t care.

[Turkish]

Why do you think you let him do that?

Was he playing or angry?

[JNChell]

He was just playing. I think he was also testing me. I don’t know why I didn’t address it in the moment. I think it may have been an old habit of simply not paying attention to it while it was happening. A body response. I spoke with S4 about it today. I didn’t make it personal, I conveyed that it’s not ok to hit people like that. I tried to use it as an example.

It was weird, Turkish. I felt the pain, but I just set it aside, I guess. It physically hurt, but it didn’t phase me in the least. Hope that makes sense.

[Turkish]

You might be teaching him that it's ok,  implicitly. 

I got two bamboo Kendo training swords.  If the kids and I want to go at it,  we practice as peers. He's 4, and deserving of a lot of grace,  but he also needs to be taught.  He won't know any better.  You're the parent. 

But I sense your real question is why you let him do that? Is it similar to how you let his mom treat you? Just detach and bear out? Is this related to how you detached when your parents punished you? 

[JNChell]

You ask some really good questions that I don’t have solid answers for so I’ll think on the fly and state what my gut tells me.

If I’m implicitly teaching my son that that is ok, I need to wake up more. He’s a very sweet boy. I need to nurture that side of him and correct him when he acts out like that.

I didn’t really lay down to his mom’s treatment of me. I did for a bit, but I eventually pushed back pretty hard. Just not in the right ways. I had no knowledge on how to handle her.

I think it has more to do with my parents. I couldn’t really detach in the moment because it was too intense to be able to ignore. But I definitely was detached a lot of the time when things were somewhat calm. Maybe I tried to detach from the anxiety and worry of what I knew would eventually come.

I wish that I had solid answers for you. This is just speculation. What I do know now is that I need to set S4 straight in the moment. He needs to understand.

[Harri]

It is hard to stay connected and on when struggling with symptoms of PTSD.   Have you told your T about this yet?  I wonder if she can suggest some coping techniques that you can use specific to when you have your son.  I know you do grounding exercises but what else?

[JNChell]

Hey, Harri. I haven’t seen my T in two weeks. I’ll be addressing it with her next week. I’m still learning how to stay grounded so I’m pretty much relying on that for the time being. I should’ve immediately stopped S4 when he started in. There should’ve been consequences for him. Like I said. Looking back, the best way that I can describe it is weird. I didn’t react at all. Not a flinch. I’m pretty sure that I get it, but I didn’t address like I should have.