She seems like she can turn off 11 years in an instant

[415]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333994.0

i'd also like to know if the fact that she can turn off emotion instantaneously is normal or perhaps a sign of NPD?  She's never once contacted me since she left our therapist meeting 25 days ago.  She's in a duo music group that seems to have not missed a beat and she continues to post on facebook what they are working on.  She has a lot of stuff still at my house and is content to leave it there while she looks for a job.  I'm literally trying not to throw up as i type this as i'm so upset/sick/hurt etc.  and she seems like she can turn off 11 years in an instant.  As someone that was her constant caretaker i don't see how she doesn't miss me, care about me, or want to talk to me?  She's not even involved in getting the separation/divorce papers started.  She just told me to do it and she'd look at them.  

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[Luan]

415,
I'm sorry to hear how this is effecting you. That is completely understandable. I experienced after a 4 month relationship, and that was devastating enough. It is clear that she has disregulated her emotions for now, and that it sounds like this may have started before 25 days ago, going by your earlier posts. As hard as it is, you have to not take this personally at the moment. Her reality and yours will not match up, no matter what you try to do. It is certainly a feature of BPD, as a protection mechanism that has been developed from a young age. From your previous posts too, sounds like you have struggled with getting regular therapy, and her accepting a diagnosis.

Do you have good friends or family that you can talk this through with. Someone who can just allow you to let everything out, and give you the support you need? It's going to take some time, but your first goal will be looking after yourself.

All strength to you, Luan.

[HarborBP]

i'd also like to know if the fact that she can turn off emotion instantaneously is normal or perhaps a sign of NPD?  She's never once contacted me since she left our therapist meeting 25 days ago.  She's in a duo music group that seems to have not missed a beat and she continues to post on facebook what they are working on.  She has a lot of stuff still at my house and is content to leave it there while she looks for a job.  I'm literally trying not to throw up as i type this as i'm so upset/sick/hurt etc.  and she seems like she can turn off 11 years in an instant.  As someone that was her constant caretaker i don't see how she doesn't miss me, care about me, or want to talk to me?  She's not even involved in getting the separation/divorce papers started.  She just told me to do it and she'd look at them.   

415,

What? Formed a bias toward you based on the opinions of a "psychic"? I feel for you man. You are being treated cruelly. You are being devalued. Kicked to the curb. You are living breakup with a borderline. You need the support and love of people who share your pain and similar (though not identical), experiences. Fortunately there are a lot of people participating in these boards who can provide that. Listen to them, take succor from them.

Being overly inquisitive by nature, reading your thoughts makes me want to ask questions. If I may, my take-away from your story is the dysfunctional behavior of your partner revealed itself only recently? Is this true? Eleven years is a long time and I can't imagine a borderline restraining herself over an extended period such as that. Looking back, do you see patterns, precursors, to the culminating behavior that had her abandon you with such finality? For example, were there mini-breakups? Periods where her devaluing behavior was especially cruel? Times when she pushed you away using one excuse or the other? Were you ever concerned about her fidelity? Did any of this happen with increasing frequency of late?

Sometimes the signals are subtle. For example, I understand now that my ex was sending messages all the time, messages I chose to ignore. As you read in my initial post, my ex could not stand being overly close. In reading back over the journals I kept I can now clearly see she was telegraphing a message of panic; that through her actions, withdrawals and tirades she was signaling a need to run away from my desire to fuse.

Do you journal 415? If not, PLEASE begin doing so immediately. All it takes is a pen and spiral bound notebook. Write down whatever comes to mind. I'll bet you'll see a lot of pain pour onto the paper initially. This is how it should begin, you grabbing control of your emotions. The price of journaling therapy is cheep, cheep, cheep.

If you have already journaled, and the entries describe interactions with your borderline partner, the stories described therein may reinforce the views of that little man in your head: the tiny man who's been telling you for a long time that something was never right with your relationship. It will remind you of bizarre accounts of crazily aberrant behavior displayed by your partner. It will help you see the relationship in the clear light of day, especially now that your partner has seemingly bolted.

Please continue to reach out. I hope other bpdfamily members jump in here to lend advice to 415. Seems to me he's in a place now that would benefit from input.

HarborBP

[415]

thanks.  I have one sister that has been there for me.  My parents aren't really people I go to with this.  I don't actually have any friends which is hard.

[415]

from your story is the dysfunctional behavior of your partner revealed itself only recently? Is this true? Eleven years is a long time and I can't imagine a borderline restraining herself over an extended period such as that. Looking back, do you see patterns, precursors, to the culminating behavior that had her abandon you with such finality? For example, were there mini-breakups? Periods where her devaluing behavior was especially cruel? Times when she pushed you away using one excuse or the other? Were you ever concerned about her fidelity? Did any of this happen with increasing frequency of late?

I can see patterns from the first week we were dating.  It was mostly that she was worried that I am cheating or checking out other women.  She'd often say "Please don't ever leave, i'd be devastated, I wouldn't know what to do without you".  So the fact that she left doesn't fit that pattern.  Although many times over the years when she got mad about something she'd say that I should be with someone else or that she should just pack her bags and leave.   I'd always chase after her and try to make her understand that what ever she thought was happening or what I said wasn't the case and we'd be good.  In the last few months she threatened to leave multiple times and I stopped chasing.  She never left.  One time she even packed a bag in front of me but didn't leave.   We've never actually broken up.  We've both been cheated on in the past so the fact that she voiced constant fear that i'd leave her actually gave me comfort on some level that I was so important to her that she'd never leave me.  Because cheating was so against her ethics that also attracted me.  However the other half of her music duo is a guy, who also was bullied as a child, also thinks he's ugly, also has a mom that has passed away, and is also obviously a musician.  He and his girlfriend would hang out with us.  I've hoped that it is only ever been a working relationship.  She's denied cheating and our therapist believes her, however it's basically an emotional affair as far as i'm concerned.  She considers us roommmates so she's basically replaced me with him.  Her number one reason for leaving is that she says i'm not passionate enough for her.  My reasons for disagreement would be more than I can type here.  She says one thing then does another.   She says she has this hyper sex drive, and i'm not on the same page, yet she's been to see our doctor and tells him she has no sex drive and he gave her some tests and agreed that the results would indicate that she has no sex drive.  There are many examples like this.  Blaming me for something when she has the problem.  Up until the psychic incident we would literally hold hands driving to the store.  We were always close.  We even worked at the same company for 9 years (I still work there).  I do journal.  It's mostly just pouring out my thoughts or i can't sleep.  I think that on the day she left me she read some of that journal.  I do have some people close to both of us that are now coming out with the stories that start something like "we didn't want to say anything while you were with her, but we've always thought she was crazy, overlydramatic, hypochondriac, etc."

Her departure happened on Jan 17th.   She spent the Christmas holidays with my parents like nothing was wrong.  My parents actually travelled a day early from another province just to support her and watch her sing.   Apparently on Christmas day she told my sister that she was at the end of her rope, gave her the lacking passion story, told her that she was looking for a job which she didn't tell me (she works out of our home), so i could only imagine what she tells other people if she says that to my sister.   She had a love/hate relationship with her mom up until her death 1.5 yrs ago.   Her mom treated her badly a lot of the time.   My wife was raped at 14 yrs and her mom's reaction was to slap her in the face.   Anyway, again... .without telling me, a day or so before she left she went and go a tattoo in honour of her mom.  She's either hated or been afraid of her older sister all of her life but now she texts her all day and says how much she loves her.   It's just weird how she'll chase people who are awful to her and kick out the ones that love her, take care of her and lift her up.

[HarborBP]

It was mostly that she was worried that I am cheating or checking out other women.  She'd often say "Please don't ever leave, i'd be devastated, I wouldn't know what to do without you".  So the fact that she left doesn't fit that pattern.

 

As I am sure you've read, borderlines have a core fear of rejection and abandonment. My ex gf also displayed terrible insecurities toward other women, including my ex-wife, who brought down the hounds of hell on me during our divorce. I shared those horror stories with my ex gf each time her insecurities flared up but it made no lasting difference. She was convinced I'd eventually return to my ex-wife. 

Although many times over the years when she got mad about something she'd say that I should be with someone else or that she should just pack her bags and leave.   I'd always chase after her and try to make her understand that what ever she thought was happening or what I said wasn't the case and we'd be good.  In the last few months she threatened to leave multiple times and I stopped chasing.  She never left.  One time she even packed a bag in front of me but didn't leave.   We've never actually broken up.  

Wish I could say the same about my relationship. We broke up often. I heard her say innumerable times she wished the relationship had ended x years before. I've read that borderlines are so insecure, and so filled with self-loathing, that they test their partner using devaluing behavior (rants, rages, put downs, threats of breakup) in the hope their partner will respond by reaffirming their love and devotion. When we stop playing the game it proves in their minds we don't care.

We've both been cheated on in the past so the fact that she voiced constant fear that i'd leave her actually gave me comfort on some level that I was so important to her that she'd never leave me.  Because cheating was so against her ethics that also attracted me.

 

I felt the same way about my ex gf and wrote about it in other posts. I must admit to being paranoid about fidelity after reading about borderline impulsivity. But fortunately I never felt my ex gf was interested in looking for Mr. Goodbar.

However the other half of her music duo is a guy, who also was bullied as a child, also thinks he's ugly, also has a mom that has passed away, and is also obviously a musician.  He and his girlfriend would hang out with us.  I've hoped that it is only ever been a working relationship.  She's denied cheating and our therapist believes her, however it's basically an emotional affair as far as i'm concerned.  She considers us roommmates so she's basically replaced me with him.  

It is common for borderlines to have very few, if any, people they feel close to. Often times it is one or two at most. My ex gf had a close non-romantic relationship with a man she had known for over 15 years. Like her, he had never married nor had children and lived the life of a semi-reclusive hermit. I think part of the draw, other than providing an opportunity to be emotionally close to someone in a non-threatening (i.e. engulfing) manner, was the comfort she drew from knowing she had at least one lifeline in the World; one person she could call when the TV broke, or the water pipes froze, or she needed a load of firewood.

She was very protective of that relationship. I remember, during my jealous phase, of questioning his motives in their relationship. In response she said "Not all men are horny like you. Even if he was horny, and got horny toward me, he would never try anything." 

One time, after she'd calmed down from a rant, I asked if she used the same tone on her friend as she just had with me? Her response was a wide eyed "Oh, you don't talk to him like that!" Obviously, her friend displayed ambivalence toward the relationship. Having gotten to know him during our romance I could see by his countenance it wasn't an act. He simply wouldn't put up with her drama and she knew it. Ironic how the less loving we are the more attractive we become. Masterson alludes to this when he describes a borderline's attraction to the least available partner because it alleviates the threat of engulfment.   

Her number one reason for leaving is that she says i'm not passionate enough for her.

 

My ex gf said on many occasions "You satisfy my physical needs but never my emotional needs". I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask if anyone, anywhere, had ever been able to accomplish this for her. I'm guessing the response would have been additional enragement.

She says she has this hyper sex drive, and i'm not on the same page, yet she's been to see our doctor and tells him she has no sex drive and he gave her some tests and agreed that the results would indicate that she has no sex drive.  

Actions speak louder than words. Did, at any stage of the relationship, she display "hyper sex drive"? It has been written that borderlines are passionate human beings, both in their loving and hateful behaviors. I witnessed both so can attest to its validity.

There are many examples like this.  Blaming me for something when she has the problem.  

Borderlines project onto others negative feelings they hold for themselves. Their self-loathing can be so terrible they must offload it onto people close to them. 

Up until the psychic incident we would literally hold hands driving to the store.  We were always close.  We even worked at the same company for 9 years (I still work there).

 

My ex gf loved to touch as well. When eating out she insisted we sit side by side in a booth, rather than facing each other. When driving she wanted my hand on her thigh. It was one of the wonderful aspects that I loved about her.

I do journal.  It's mostly just pouring out my thoughts or i can't sleep.  I think that on the day she left me she read some of that journal.  

This is hugely important. When you re-read what you've written weeks or months later does it surprise you? Perhaps it was that I tended to journal a lot following a blow-up but re-reading those stories often has me thinking "What the heck was I thinking hanging around like I did?" To this day I find rereading my journal to be helpful when turning nostalgic toward the relationship. It supports the decision I made to step away. That doesn't make it any less painful though.

I do have some people close to both of us that are now coming out with the stories that start something like "we didn't want to say anything while you were with her, but we've always thought she was crazy, overlydramatic, hypochondriac, etc."

It is nice to have third parties confirm the dysfunction they witnessed in your relationship. I never had that. Having relocated to this area five years ago I had yet to create a circle of friends when my ex gf entered my life. Other than the man described above I never met any of her friends nor did she ever talk of other firends. I found it very strange that after living in this area more than 35 years she had so few friends. My ex gf was a real hermit who, unlike the popular borderline image, had little problem being alone.

Her departure happened on Jan 17th.   She spent the Christmas holidays with my parents like nothing was wrong.  My parents actually travelled a day early from another province just to support her and watch her sing. 

Our rupture followed along similar lines. In late October we visited my two sons, who attend the same university. We had a wonderful three days hiking and dining with them and their friends. Less than a week later she went postal on me, finally ending it on November 9th after three and a half years. It was pretty apparent to me she was serious when she blocked my phone a month later. All in all it was so bizarre I have trouble dealing with it to this day. But I am determined to move on. It is the only thing we can do to maintain our sanity.

She had a love/hate relationship with her mom up until her death 1.5 yrs ago.   Her mom treated her badly a lot of the time.   My wife was raped at 14 yrs and her mom's reaction was to slap her in the face.   Anyway, again... .without telling me, a day or so before she left she went and go a tattoo in honour of her mom.  She's either hated or been afraid of her older sister all of her life but now she texts her all day and says how much she loves her. 

Classic borderline hell- earnest attempts to relive and remake the early devaluing behaviors of the mother. My ex gf, who grew up in Cleveland but left 38 years ago, made two pilgrimages a year to visit her mean mother. Even as an adult that lady would devalue my gf. For example, when meeting someone new in the retirement home her mother would introduce her as "my old maid daughter". Hard to believe.

It's just weird how she'll chase people who are awful to her and kick out the ones that love her, take care of her and lift her up.

I guess its only weird when viewed through the eyes of a rational, "normal" intellect. Again, as Masterson noted, they are attracted to those least capable of loving them. It's all part of borderline dysfunction. We nons find it so irrational and sad that we have trouble coming to grips with it. Our caretaking proclivities drive us to wrap ourselves around them and rescue them. Our eyes glaze over to the reality that without a commitment to help themselves through therapy such as DBT they will forever travel that path. And there is nothing we can do to stop it. The worn but truthful cliche applies here: the only person we have control over is ourselves. Sadly, this means there comes a time when we have to decide to succor and love ourselves by bidding adieu to a tortured and passionate romance.

HarborBP

[415]

Thanks HarborBP for taking the time to respond like that.  That's really helping, when nothing else seems to.

It is common for borderlines to have very few, if any, people they feel close to. Often times it is one or two at most.

This is oddly true about her.  I say oddly because she used to work at the same company as me in a Human Resources role.  She has such a friendly personality to people that aren't the closest ones to her (same w her sister, her mom, her niece etc).   Up until she left she had a job that helped women with hair loss/hair extensions.  People would literally cry in her chair b/c she made them feel so good.  On her b'day she'd get well over 100 b'day wishes on facebook, some of her clients would refer to her as their "angel"... .but then she'd be angry often saying that she has no friends, not even someone to go for coffee with.   She has all of these people that say they love her and barely a true friend.

Did, at any stage of the relationship, she display "hyper sex drive"?

Not that i saw.  A common problem that i saw was that she never really worked with me as a partner in the marriage.   She would just shout out statements rather than have a conversation.   She'd say "our sex life needs help", but she would never make herself a part of the solution.  No talk of what we could do... .no collaboration.   She even told our Dr. that the problem for her is lack of intimacy.  He gave her a referral/business card to a sex therapist.   It sat on the counter for over a week, so i said "do you want me to call and make and appointment, i'm willing to go with you".   She says "no its too overwhelming".   She says that we never go anywhere, even told my sister that at Christmas, but she'll never as much as research or suggest a vacation idea.  I even suggested that we go on a vacation a couple months ago to which she replied with a similar "no, too overwhelming".   That goes from big things to small things.   7 months ago she says that her lightbulb on the lamp on her nightstand is burnt out.  She doesn't say "would you mind changing the bulb?"  She just makes statements.  For the last 11yrs i'd go and change it.  This time i made a deal with myself that i'd just leave it and see if she would ever change it.  After 7 months she's now gone and the lightbulb was never changed.

When you re-read what you've written weeks or months later does it surprise you?

This is what i struggle with.  I gave our therapist a 6 page, point form examples of the things she's done or said over the years that support BPD diagnosis.  I said that if a friend of mine told me that his wife treats him like this I'd tell him to get out.  So why can't i?  One of her very few responses to me in the last few week was referring to herself as "an amazing wife to you".   I question her definition of amazing.  I think its a combination of shock and ego.   Shock b/c in the therapy session that she pulled out a letter saying that she was leaving, i actually was going into the session to have our therapist suggest a plan to get us re-building.  I've always though of us as forever, i'm closer to her family than mine, all of our future plans gone etc.  that's hard to release.   I think there is some elements of just ego here too.  How someone can just leave you and not even apologize makes me feel insignificant and cheated since i did everything for her.   When she moved in with me (shortly after her last divorce), i had a mortgage free home, she's never had to pay rent/mortgage, i took over all monthly bills when she quit her job to start her own business so that she wouldn't have to worry about money, i plan the vacations, i book them, i drive, i sit in hospital emergency rooms all night while she's has some sort of body pain, etc (this list could go on and on).  To just be left like that and not even get an apology or see her upset is very devaluing.

I'm worried about this divorce as our current situation is so unbalanced.   Because she was really still in the startup phase of her business for the last 3 years she' had a really low income vs. 6 figures for me.  I owned the house before we met and it was paid off.  She has quit her job as it was based out of the home so she has no job.  When i contacted her today about going to get a separation agreement she responded with pictures of the car accident she just had (someone backed into her), she responds by saying she has no assets, just her car (12yrs old and now smashed up) and clothes.   She does have more but not much more.  She has a good retirement savings account by mine is more than double hers.   Everthing in the house (furniture, tv's, decor etc.) i've paid for.   When i contacted her her first question was "what is the address of the place", then she started in with the "i have nothing routine", then she threw out that she's been talking to one of her clients that is a divorce lawyer.  I switched my approach to kindness as i need her to be rational until this is signed.  I asked her about the car and if she was ok.   She started to agree to go see a mediator or whomever to get this agreement done.  She's always said that she knows the house is mine and wouldn't take it and we'd just leave with our assets as we've never co-mingled anything.  I think that i need to keep my mouth shut and be as kind as possible until this is done.

[415]

I said that this wasn't a joint decision.  You left!  What does she want.  I don't see how she wouldn't feel guilty and just want to take what is hers and leave.   She hurt me more than I could describe and she has the nerve to keep telling me about her sob story of which she is 100% responsible for?   She even brought up that she got screwed over when she went to sell her furniture when she was moving in with me (she did, but that had nothing to do with me and it was 11years ago).  Since this is none of my choosing I wanted her to pay half for the separation agreement.  At this point I don't want to upset her at all.  If it costs me $2K to save the rest i'll pick up the expense.

[HarborBP]

Thanks HarborBP for taking the time to respond like that.  That's really helping, when nothing else seems to.

Thanks 415,

Sometimes it can sure help to talk this stuff through with someone who has had similar experiences.

This is oddly true about her.  I say oddly because she used to work at the same company as me in a Human Resources role.  She has such a friendly personality to people that aren't the closest ones to her (same w her sister, her mom, her niece etc).   Up until she left she had a job that helped women with hair loss/hair extensions.  People would literally cry in her chair b/c she made them feel so good.  On her b'day she'd get well over 100 b'day wishes on facebook, some of her clients would refer to her as their "angel"... .but then she'd be angry often saying that she has no friends, not even someone to go for coffee with. 

 

Well, it is written that borderlines are often very intelligent and able to function well in non-intimate situations. I know in most cases, when forced to interact with strangers, (waitresses, librarians, store clerks) my ex gf was polite, cogent and oh so "normal".

I describe BPD as an illness that manifests itself behind closed doors, where it is reserved for loved ones. It's one of the things especially ugly about the affliction. It causes such pain and bafflement to the loved ones forced to deal with it.

She has all of these people that say they love her and barely a true friend.
Not that i saw. 

Unfortunately the nature of the illness prevents close relationships for the most part. Masterson writes the reason for this is the borderline projects unresolved emotions associated with the mother onto people who come too close. This is mighty psycho analytical but his own professional experience did uncover the terrible "abandonment depression" that afflicts borderlines.

According to his research it is the reason they created a false self while still in the toddler stage- to protect themselves against the terrible depression associated with a devaluing, withdrawing mother. If true it is a deep wound and a deep hole to crawl out of. Without a willingness to confront it through therapies such as DBT the situation seems pretty hopeless for them as well as those of us who love them.

A common problem that i saw was that she never really worked with me as a partner in the marriage.   She would just shout out statements rather than have a conversation.   She'd say "our sex life needs help", but she would never make herself a part of the solution.  No talk of what we could do... .no collaboration.   

Borderlines are extremely self-centered. Not unlike my boys when they were three years old. Like little kids they expect to be taken care. They take for granted the good deeds and sacrifices of partners. I've read that borderlines are particularly adept at finding potential partners who are willing to serve in the caretaker role. 

As adults we expect that one good deed deserves another; that our caring and giving will be reciprocated. I don't know if you have children but the parallels really helped me understand the dynamic. Parenting done well involves huge sacrifice that is easy to accept because of the parent/child bond. In a romantic relationship we anticipate a much greater degree of reciprocity. Unfortunately, the borderline's arrested emotional development places them in that 3 year old, self-centered, toddler World.   

That goes from big things to small things.   7 months ago she says that her lightbulb on the lamp on her nightstand is burnt out.  She doesn't say "would you mind changing the bulb?"  She just makes statements.  For the last 11yrs i'd go and change it.

 

That 3 year old shining through. Daddy make it all better.

This time i made a deal with myself that i'd just leave it and see if she would ever change it.  After 7 months she's now gone and the lightbulb was never changed.

Margalis Fjelstad, in her book Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist, writes about Narcissistic supply. Narcissists require constant validation from people around them. Borderlines do too. It may very well be that your decision to cease automatic rescue ultimately caused her to move away from your marriage. If true, what else were you supposed to do? You couldn't continue devoting yourself to her care while receiving so little in return.

This is what i struggle with.  I gave our therapist a 6 page, point form examples of the things she's done or said over the years that support BPD diagnosis.  I said that if a friend of mine told me that his wife treats him like this I'd tell him to get out.  So why can't i? 

The million dollar question we all ask ourselves when the relationship ends. I have yet to get a logical answer to this seeming conundrum. Could it be a relationship with a borderline is part romantic and part selfless devotion? As with children we develop a completely altruistic approach to their well being. Taking the metaphor a step further, losing that relationship could be akin to losing a child. If true it means an outcome associated with devastating emotional trauma. I can't think of anything worse than losing one of my children, not dissimilar to how I feel about the loss of my ex gf, now that I come to think about it!

One of her very few responses to me in the last few week was referring to herself as "an amazing wife to you".   I question her definition of amazing.  I think its a combination of shock and ego.

   

Wow, how big of her.

I've always though of us as forever, i'm closer to her family than mine, all of our future plans gone etc.  that's hard to release.   I think there is some elements of just ego here too.  How someone can just leave you and not even apologize makes me feel insignificant and cheated since i did everything for her. 

 

It is absolutely devastating to be dumped. Especially coming off a drama-filled and often devaluing relationship with a borderline partner. It is so bizarre that they can turn away from a venerable relationship at the drop of a hat, seemingly without any remorse. But as we've read time and again on these boards it is standard operating procedure for someone afflicted with BPD. It's one of the features of the illness that makes it so evil.

When she moved in with me (shortly after her last divorce), i had a mortgage free home, she's never had to pay rent/mortgage, i took over all monthly bills when she quit her job to start her own business so that she wouldn't have to worry about money, i plan the vacations, i book them, i drive, i sit in hospital emergency rooms all night while she's has some sort of body pain, etc (this list could go on and on).  To just be left like that and not even get an apology or see her upset is very devaluing.

I'm worried about this divorce as our current situation is so unbalanced.   Because she was really still in the startup phase of her business for the last 3 years she' had a really low income vs. 6 figures for me.  I owned the house before we met and it was paid off.  She has quit her job as it was based out of the home so she has no job.  When i contacted her today about going to get a separation agreement she responded with pictures of the car accident she just had (someone backed into her), she responds by saying she has no assets, just her car (12yrs old and now smashed up) and clothes.   She does have more but not much more.  She has a good retirement savings account by mine is more than double hers.   Everthing in the house (furniture, tv's, decor etc.) i've paid for.   When i contacted her her first question was "what is the address of the place", then she started in with the "i have nothing routine", then she threw out that she's been talking to one of her clients that is a divorce lawyer.  I switched my approach to kindness as i need her to be rational until this is signed.  I asked her about the car and if she was ok.   She started to agree to go see a mediator or whomever to get this agreement done.  She's always said that she knows the house is mine and wouldn't take it and we'd just leave with our assets as we've never co-mingled anything.  I think that i need to keep my mouth shut and be as kind as possible until this is done.

I don't know where you live but I reside in what's known as a community property state, which means assets accumulated during the marriage are split 50-50. Assets owned prior to marriage belong to that person EXCEPT, asset appreciation is considered community property and subject to allocation.

Although it didn't involve a borderline, the dissolution of my marriage of twenty years included lots or community property. I resolved not to fight, or become angry, at the division of these assets and would recommend for your own sanity and healing that you not get too hung up on this process either.

Life is too short and it sounds like you have earning power so best to wrap up the divorce as quickly and harmoniously as possible. Assets can be replaced. I am in the seventh and final year of alimony payments. During this time I have handed over hundreds of thousands of dollars in wages and bonuses to my ex wife. While I sometimes curse her for this I have never let it consume me. I hope you can take the same approach. There are much bigger issues to deal with- most of all your happiness. 

HarborBP